Hurt.. ..And I really Need / (kinda long)

[susie33]

So I'm new on this site and I would like to ask for advice because I am extremely confused about my LDR.

 

Me and my girlfriend (we're lesbian and 19) have been talking/been best friends for about 5 years now. We didn't want to go into a relationship because we were scared that it would mess up our friendship, but last year it just got to a point where we just simply fell in love with each other and we just had to be with each other. For the past year (since last summer), we've been really good. I've seen her about 4 times within the last year, (she lives in cali and I live in indiana) and we've had amazing communication, trust, and love between both of us. The last time she visited me I was finishing up my last semester of college and I was very depressed when she left because I knew it would be a while, probably after summer, since I would see her again. When she left I met a group of lesbians who were really hard party animals. I would never cheat on my gf and never have, but I was drinking myself ****faced for about two weeks and going out everyday until 5am. My gf was very paranoid and worried about me, not only was I going out late at night with a group of lesbians, but I was also hurting myself by drinking so much everyday. When she tried to tell me to stop or chill out I would tell her that she was smothering me and being too controlling, which hurt her. When I got back from school, I went through major withdrawal symptoms of me not drinking. I started getting very irritable and bitchy. This was for a variety of reasons, since my family has a lot of problems too that are hard to face when I come back home.

 

I guess I kind of took my problems out on her and said a lot of mean things I didn't mean that also upset and hurt her. Such as feeling weird about her relationship and just feeling different. But at no time did I avoid her or talk about breaking up, because I knew that me and her would get over it. This lead to us fighting alot over stupid anger/jealousy issues. Me and my girlfriend's relationship is a very clingy type and we would get jealous over the stupidest things and that would cause a lot of problems and fights between us. So last week, my girlfriend told me that we should go on a break and told her how much I hurt her and upset her with everything that I've done with these past three weeks.

 

I cried and I told her how hurt I was (and I still am) about everything that I done and I was truely sorry and ready to change things about myself to be a more positive person, not just towards her but in life in general. I told her how much I love her and I would do anything to prove to her that I'm going to be the sad person I once before and I am changing myself in hopes to have her forgiveness. And since I've gotten back I've done really well. I haven't been drinking, I've been working out, keeping myself and my mind busy. When all of this happened I felt really lost and scared that I would loose her and I talked to her about our relationship and if she was willing to give me another chance. She told me that she really does truely love me and not to panic so much cause she does love me. She also told me not to worry about her talking to other girls because she's not looking for any of that, she just doesn't wanna feel numb and right now she has her guard up because she's scared that us fighting more will make her get more hurt.

 

At first I was really scared I'm going to loose her so I started suffocating her with needy texts, but then I realized that she needs her space so I calmed down and am acting very mature and positive and still showing her how much I care without being too needy. She's been drinking alot lately (she used to have a bad alcohol problem) and she's been partying too, which I think is weird because she got mad at me for the same reasons. She always tells me how she feels like a zombie and she feels weak and sick from drinking, but she continues to do it. And I'm not her mother so I can't really tell her to stop. She also met a new friend (lesbian) that she's been hanging out with ALOT. She told me her friend told her that whenever she doesnt hang out with her she feels "weird". Why would she tell me this? Is she emotionally cheating on me or is she trying to do make me jealous?

 

She's also been very sweet to me. Texts me everyday asking me how I'm doing and makes an effort to talk to me and keep conversation flowing between the two of us. She tells me she loves me and sometimes she also says a lot of cute things and calls me babe and talks about some good happy memories we had before that. She also told me yesterday she is very happy to know that I've been very positive and keeping myself busy and trying to change myself for the good and she's seeing progress.

 

I'm just very confused right now and don't know what's going on or what I should do. Should i confront her about her hanging out with her friend that she's been spending a lot of time with? Or should i trust her and ignore that she's been spending a lot of time with her. I'm just scared that I'm going to get emotionally cheated on. She's been hurt really bad in the past by one of her serious gf who had cheated on her so I know she wouldn't physically cheat on me.

 

Some of my friends tell me that she's doing this for extreme attention or she's doing it as revenge to me. But either way I don't know what to do. I'm only human I make mistakes and it's not like i beat her with a stick or cheated on her. I know I hurt her but with love comes pain and I don't know if she has a grudge against me or what is happening. She still talks to me and tells me sweet things and how she loves me, but at the same time she's acting distant and doing all these negative things and telling me things about her friend that are upsetting me.

[Danibelle]

I kinda know how you feel, it's a tricky one.

Like my bf of 4 months recently started talking a lot about these girls he knows. 3 of them infact, who he considers to be like 'sisters'. He'd just find any reason to talk about them from nowhere. One of them he always ends up talking to for hours on facebook, and i know he goes on cam to her on msn too, and he commented on one of the other girls' pictures saying how pretty she was, and he always boasts about how the other one just 'makes him laugh so much'.

Like, i expect him to have female friends like i have male friends, but i would never think of doing the same to him, like just bring up my male friends to him all the time or comment on their pictures saying how good they look like right under his nose.

Then he asks me specifically to write on his wall so i don't know whether he's trying to make us all jealous or something or what xD maybe he just wants me to get to know them because he really cares about them as friends, but it's really starting to pee me right off and i feel like i'm gona explode.

And i can't stand the thought of being emotionally cheated on either, and it drives me mad because there's absolutely nothing i can do about it xD

 

In your case, i'm guessing that maybe she just feels a little insecure too, and it's her way of making herself feel like you're not the only person she needs in her life. I love my bf so much, but sometimes i hate the fact that i do, and resent him because i think he doesnt feel the same way, and it just makes me feel alone. People mostly cheat because they're insecure or scared of getting hurt, and maybe you're both just scared to let eachother know that?