mixed signals

[esdn84]

so ive been talking to this guy for a couple months online. just friendly conversation he's asked to hang out a couple times but i blew it off. he just got a cell and we've been texting since then, he called me a couple days ago and we talked for a couple hours off and on that day.

 

theres been a bit of flirting and alot of random conversation. we finally hung out the day before yesterday. he knew from the first time we talked that i'm not looking for a random fling or a fwb. im very picky about who im intimate with.

 

so before i went over to his house he mentioned something about us spending the night together. as in do u wanna stay here or do u want me to stay at your house. i just kinda ignored it at the time.

 

after i got there he wanted to go hang out with his friends. so we did. im kinda shy at first, another thing i warned him about. i didn't talk much, but towards the end i was at least occasionally joining the conversation. we left and went back to his place to watch a movie. by the time it was over i was half asleep, i said something about goin home and goin to bed and he got this weird look and was like...........oh so thats what u wanna do? we talked about it a bit and i asked if he wanted me to stay. he said it was up to me but to come lay down if i was gonna stay. so i did and we talked a bit and then went to sleep.

 

woke up a lil bit later cuz my phone was going off. went to check it and mentioned something about going home again and he was like well what do u wanna do. i said sleep and laid back down. he'd moved over when i got up so like the only place for me to lay was curled around his back. he didn't say anything or move away when i put my arm around his waist either. we were joking around and he asked something about if i "wanted some?" i laughed it off and was like I don't do the random thing kiddo. went back to sleep, woke up again a lil bit later and kicked my jeans off. i mentioned when i did it that i just couldn't sleep like that anymore and it wasn't a friendly move. went back to sleep, woke up in the morning, talked for a bit and then went home.

 

thing is..........i dunno if he just wasn't feelin me at all since he didn't make a move, or if he's not sure, or if he's not into me but hey if i'da been like lets hump it woulda been on, or if he didn't make a move outta respect to the whole not a random fling kinda girl thing. i do dig the guy, but i'd be happy being just friends with him too. i think its mostly the asking me to stay but not making any move whatsoever (not even a kiss).

 

when i left i told him i had fun and it was nice meeting him and that he had my numbers and to get ahold of me sometime. he sent me a couple generic im's yesterday (whats up and that he was watchin tv)

[WTRanger]

This may sound harsh, but it's coming for a guy's perspective. He's not the one giving mixed signals. You are. You are what drives a guy absolutely nuts. Yes he asked you to say, then you make it clear he wasn't going to get any. The playing hard to get thing dies out after the seventh grade. If you really wanted to show him, an arm around the waist isn't going to do it. Try going about 1 foot south of the waist and you'll find what you are looking for. If you weren't ready, that's fine. You can sleep over and not have sex. But you were bouncing back and forth in what you wanted and sending every mixed signal in the book to this guy.

 

How many times have you "just kinda ignored him" or "blew it off" or "laughed if off"? Those aren't exactly encouraging signs to a man. Every time you woke up, you wanted to go home. Again, not exactly making a move territory here. He asked if you "wanted some" and you laughed at him. If he would have tried anything after that he was probably moving in rape territory. By the time you even started to show a sign, you had beaten any courage he had into submission. Here's a tip, guys generally are forced to walk a fine line between "going for it" and rape. The way that night was going, I'm sensing he figure he'd get charged with the latter.

 

Then inexplicably, you take your pants off and then hope he makes a move after the entire evening you spent reassuring him that you had impenetrable iron panties on. Leading up to that, you've been a flake. You blow off his dates, you ignore him from time to time and you told him you aren't looking for a random fling. Then you get all confused when he doesn't make a move? The entire time he's known you, you seemed to have reassured him he wasn't going to go anywhere with you.

 

Sounds to me like you've got a bruised Ego about him not making a move. When in reality, I'm sure he wanted to but all of the signs you showed him pointed to if he tried something he'd get a face-full of mace. You make no sense to him. You aren't looking for the fling, you tell him that over and over again, then you say if he would have wanted to the two of you would have hooked up.

 

So what do you want? A fling? A friend? A friendly-fling? A relationship? What is it? I'm guessing you ignored his recent texts? Him asking you to stay was step one. When you agreed but reassured him that your legs were frozen shut, he moved onto plan B which is to play smooth and just sleep next to you. Hoping that the next time, you'd be a bit more comfortable. Then you proceed to waffle more than a DC politician. No doesn't mean Yes.

Edited June 6, 2010 by WTRanger

[esdn84]

when i said i laughed off his asking if i wanted any, i did it in a joking way. and then we talked.

 

i never once said i had iron panties on. i simply made it clear i wasn't looking for a fling.

 

the jeans thing, before i even laid down i told him i hated sleeping in jeans. i kicked them off because i was moving around so much tryin to get comfortable that neither of us could sleep.

 

and for the record, I've never once ignored him. nor did i blow him off. I have a child. I don't take my daughter around people I don't know. So it was simply a matter of tryin to get someone to sit her for me when we were both free to hang out.

[WTRanger]

so ive been talking to this guy for a couple months online. just friendly conversation he's asked to hang out a couple times but i blew it off. he just got a cell and we've been texting since then, he called me a couple days ago and we talked for a couple hours off and on that day.

 

theres been a bit of flirting and alot of random conversation. we finally hung out the day before yesterday. he knew from the first time we talked that i'm not looking for a random fling or a fwb. im very picky about who im intimate with.

 

so before i went over to his house he mentioned something about us spending the night together. as in do u wanna stay here or do u want me to stay at your house. i just kinda ignored it at the time.

 

after i got there he wanted to go hang out with his friends. so we did. im kinda shy at first, another thing i warned him about. i didn't talk much, but towards the end i was at least occasionally joining the conversation. we left and went back to his place to watch a movie. by the time it was over i was half asleep, i said something about goin home and goin to bed and he got this weird look and was like...........oh so thats what u wanna do? we talked about it a bit and i asked if he wanted me to stay. he said it was up to me but to come lay down if i was gonna stay. so i did and we talked a bit and then went to sleep.

 

woke up a lil bit later cuz my phone was going off. went to check it and mentioned something about going home again and he was like well what do u wanna do. i said sleep and laid back down. he'd moved over when i got up so like the only place for me to lay was curled around his back. he didn't say anything or move away when i put my arm around his waist either. we were joking around and he asked something about if i "wanted some?" i laughed it off and was like I don't do the random thing kiddo. went back to sleep, woke up again a lil bit later and kicked my jeans off. i mentioned when i did it that i just couldn't sleep like that anymore and it wasn't a friendly move. went back to sleep, woke up in the morning, talked for a bit and then went home.

 

thing is..........i dunno if he just wasn't feelin me at all since he didn't make a move, or if he's not sure, or if he's not into me but hey if i'da been like lets hump it woulda been on, or if he didn't make a move outta respect to the whole not a random fling kinda girl thing. i do dig the guy, but i'd be happy being just friends with him too. i think its mostly the asking me to stay but not making any move whatsoever (not even a kiss).

 

when i left i told him i had fun and it was nice meeting him and that he had my numbers and to get ahold of me sometime. he sent me a couple generic im's yesterday (whats up and that he was watchin tv)

 

I bolded the parts that you said where you clearly indicate you blew him off or ignored things he said.

 

So you make it 100% clear to him that you weren't looking for a fling. Then you are all confused when he doesn't try something on the very first night and time you've spent with him? That's like going to McDonald's, telling them that you absolutely don't want a Big Mac, then bitching when you don't get a Big Mac.

 

There's no such thing as a joking way to laugh something off. So, if he said you had a fat ass and needed to loose 25 pounds, but did it in a joking way, it'd be okay?

 

If you wanted to push things forward, in this case, you needed to do it. You had established that you weren't looking for a fling, but as the night wore on apparently you changed your mind. Which is fine, but you needed to show him that your mind had changed. He's not a mind reader. So instead of just talking to him, why not just grab him and kiss him? How about some flirty touching instead of just falling asleep time and time again?

 

Making it clear that you aren't looking for a fling that particular night is the same as telling him you have a chastity belt on.

[ADF]

Oh. My God.

 

What is wrong with you? I have never heard of anyone giving a man such mixed signals. Are you torturing this poor man on purpose, or did you do it accidently?

 

You made it clear that you didn't want to sleep with him--then you crawl in bed with him? You made it clear you weren't looking for a fling--and now complain that he didn't make a move?

 

STOP THIS NONSENSE.

 

Call him up an apologize for screwing aorund with his head. Decide what you want and make it clear to him. And MEAN it. No more game playing.

[Morals]

Oh. My God.

 

What is wrong with you? I have never heard of anyone giving a man such mixed signals. Are you torturing this poor man on purpose, or did you do it accidently?

 

You made it clear that you didn't want to sleep with him--then you crawl in bed with him? You made it clear you weren't looking for a fling--and now complain that he didn't make a move?

 

STOP THIS NONSENSE.

 

Call him up an apologize for screwing aorund with his head. Decide what you want and make it clear to him. And MEAN it. No more game playing.

 

 

I bet she won't. I don't mean this in a disrespectful way, but after a situation like that, to admit that you were wrong is hard for most people to swallow.

 

A bruised ego is the hardest wound to mend, because the only person who can mend it is yourself. It's very hard for people to admit that even though something might have only been minorly your fault, that it was still inherently their fault.

 

Sometimes, someone just has to nut up and say "I'm sorry" for something that really shouldn't need apologizing for. The reasoning behind this is miscommunication is not fixed by declaring who was right. It's fixed by admitting who was wrong. People are more apt to say "I'm sorry about this when other people are apologetic of their own shortcomings". When you say, "Well YOU did <insert arbitrary act here>, and that's not my fault" it tends to put people on the defensive.

 

Like AA, admitting you have a problem is the first step.

[esdn84]

ok so we've talked a couple times online since then. nothing big just random conversation. he's kinda been letting the conversation drop but at least once it was because he was dealing with school crap.

 

think I'd be able to slide past I'm sorry I sent mixed signals and just suggest hanging out?

 

you guys might have a horrible opinion of me, but I'm really not tryin to play hard to get or anything. and when I said he didn't make a move I wasn't wantin him to try n get some, I've just honestly never spent time with a guy that didn't either have foreign hands or point blank tell me they were interested. I am shy so making a first move is really hard for me, either verbally or physically. I'm also comfortable with myself and my body so kicking off the jeans with someone thats obviously not tryin to molest me didn't bother me. we had a blanket on.

 

ok so I'll take ur guys advice and try to be more open about stuff. question is, do u think i still have a chance? cuz I really wasn't sure if he was into me or not. like i said I've never had a guy not just be up front about stuff. and I really do like him.

[ADF]

ok so we've talked a couple times online since then. nothing big just random conversation. he's kinda been letting the conversation drop but at least once it was because he was dealing with school crap.

 

think I'd be able to slide past I'm sorry I sent mixed signals and just suggest hanging out?

 

you guys might have a horrible opinion of me, but I'm really not tryin to play hard to get or anything. and when I said he didn't make a move I wasn't wantin him to try n get some, I've just honestly never spent time with a guy that didn't either have foreign hands or point blank tell me they were interested. I am shy so making a first move is really hard for me, either verbally or physically. I'm also comfortable with myself and my body so kicking off the jeans with someone thats obviously not tryin to molest me didn't bother me. we had a blanket on.

 

ok so I'll take ur guys advice and try to be more open about stuff. question is, do u think i still have a chance? cuz I really wasn't sure if he was into me or not. like i said I've never had a guy not just be up front about stuff. and I really do like him.

 

I don't have a terrible opinion of you. I don't think you sent such horribly mixed signals on purpose or anything. I just think you need to be a little more clear and direct. Don't play games.

 

Look, men don't refuse to have sex with women because they aren't "into" them. Men can have perfectly enjoyable sex with women they don't even like. Being "into" her has nothing to do with it. If she's willing, chances are he'll go for it.

 

What you need to make sure is that he wants the same thing that you want, whatever that is. Many guys--especially younger guys--are all about quick hook up and FWB. If you want moe than that, you're going to have to make that clear. And if he doesn't want what you want, don't sleep with him.

[thegoodlife]

From a woman's perspective, I think you still need to apologize for sending mixed signals as well as have a full discussion about what you both want and expect to come from this. Then ask him to hang out again

 

In my experience, most men will respect your boundaries, but if they feel like they are being toyed with they will lost interest fast.

[esdn84]

ehhh i dunno

 

he messaged me later that day and said hey. but other then that its been me messaging him when i see him online or whatever. i sent him a text saying i had fun with him the other day and that we should hang out again sometime soon and all he said was ya it was cool and then i told him i was nervous when we hung out cuz thats just kinda how i am and that i didnt want him to think i didnt have a good time with him. and he never responded. so im gonna guess hes just not into me.

*sigh* go figure.

[phineas]

ehhh i dunno

 

he messaged me later that day and said hey. but other then that its been me messaging him when i see him online or whatever. i sent him a text saying i had fun with him the other day and that we should hang out again sometime soon and all he said was ya it was cool and then i told him i was nervous when we hung out cuz thats just kinda how i am and that i didnt want him to think i didnt have a good time with him. and he never responded. so im gonna guess hes just not into me.

*sigh* go figure.

 

*WOW*

 

From my point of view, you just told him you enjoyed teasing his c**k.

And asked "When can I leave you sexually frustrated again?"

 

You need to do what everyone else said.

Figure out what you want & tell him.

Then follow through.

 

he most likely is not going to pursue you based on how you acted.

[LuckyCharm]

wow...I don't know why people here are being so harsh to you....But I don't think it's a friendship you should continue...Yes you have been talking for a while ONLINE but you meet with him once and he already makes faces at you when you say your not staying over at his house.

From what it sounds he's looking for a fling and your not. just end it, he doesn't sound worth keeping.

[WTRanger]

wow...I don't know why people here are being so harsh to you....But I don't think it's a friendship you should continue...Yes you have been talking for a while ONLINE but you meet with him once and he already makes faces at you when you say your not staying over at his house.

From what it sounds he's looking for a fling and your not. just end it, he doesn't sound worth keeping.

 

Maybe she wasn't looking for a fling, but her sex drive increased as the night went on and she was looking for sex. Again, maybe sex leading to something more withstanding, but the sexual tension seems like it was there. If it wasn't there, she probably wouldn't have crawled into bed with him and spent the entire night with him. It all comes down to she was steadfast about not wanting a hook-up, but then seems frustrated that it didn't happen. That's the problem. It's absolute opposite ends of the spectrum.

 

I doubt she acted like she did to be a tease. Sometimes you go in thinking one thing, but your hormones kick in when you have face to face interaction. Despite what happened, there's something good to say about not sleeping with him the first time you met him. That could set a bad precedent in itself.

 

Why do you feel the need to dance around your emotions? You are willing to give him your body, but not what's on your mind? That's a little strange, it's all too common today but think about it. Maybe you don't need to apologize, but I think it's an elephant in the room between the two of you. He could be thinking that if he hangs out with you again, he'll end up confused again with strange signals and big ole blue balls. Most of the time the man is in tune with your signals, but times like these it doesn't hurt to just help us out a little. Maybe, and this could be shocking, but he was actually listening to you? When you were very verbal about not wanting to go too far the first time you meet, he backed off a bit. It doesn't mean he's not interested, but he's listening to you.

 

Of course, the easy solution to all of this is just use our good friend alcohol. Get a little tipsy, lose some inhibition and just let things go where they go. Do some flirty touching, talking, and don't think about it. Just let your body take control of your mind.

[esdn84]

i never said i wanted to sleep with him! would I have minded him trying for a kiss? no. but i never said i wanted to sleep with him.

 

I think im just having issues translating from my head to here or something.

[LuckyCharm]

Maybe you never wanted to sleep with him but he clearly wanted to that's why this friendship just doesn't sound good for both of you.

[WTRanger]

So what did you expect from him that night? Write it out, plain and clear. I'm getting that despite the fact that you were adamant that it's not going anywhere sexual, you are still disappointed he didn't make a move and not even try for a kiss. So, what would you have wanted him to do? What is your expectations for when a man makes a move?

 

It almost sounds as if your expereince in the past has been with hyper-aggressive guys, who will stop only short of getting a stun gun to the ribcage. This current fellow sounds like he's aggressive (he wouldn't have asked you to stay if he wasn't), yet knows when to back off and perhaps that's what is causing confusion in your mind as to what he wants?

 

This will help us give better feedback. Because, as it is in real life, everyone's expectations are different. What do you want from this guy? It's not that complicated. Either you want to pursue something with him, or you don't. I think something is there. He wouldn't still be in contact with you. He's just ultra confused, as we all are at this point.

[phineas]

I think the fact she told him he wasn't getting any then took her pants off has got his brain doing cartwheels.

[angelj]

So you met the dude online and then stayed at his house after one meeting and he was hinting for sex? Have you gone to eat..gotten to know each other on a physical, non-sexual medium (other than the Internet?)

 

it sounds like he wants to just get in your pants. He might be trolling the dating sites to get laid.

 

Also, in the future, do not take your pants off unless you're going to engage in some sort of sexual activity. The guy was laying next to you thinking off you laying in your underware. Men are pretty visual creatures. That was a pretty bold move for a gal not looking for action. And yes, misleading.

 

Don't sweat this guy. The more time you analyze the less time he's thinking of you. He should be the one trying to figure out how to get your attention/doing backflips. Not just asking if you want sex..

[LuckyCharm]

I think the fact she told him he wasn't getting any then took her pants off has got his brain doing cartwheels.

 

Good point.