Why am I still confused??

[peakey]

Hi again. If you've read my first post "My story - I want to separate", then you know that my H cheated on me several times, and I'd reached the end of my patience.

 

This last time, he cheated while I was pregnant, and his affair escalated in emotinal intensity not long after our daughter was born (dau. now 3 months old). I found out lots of details just around Christmas time, and told him I thought we should separate. He ummed-and-aahhed about it for a while, then agreed. But now he's changed his mind again.

 

He has broken it off with the OW, and I do actually believe that. He was honest with me and told me details he'd refused to tell me before. Eg., they did sleep together (even though he'd denied that before). And he got a credit card he kept secret from me, and made her an additional card holder. Ie, he gave her a credit card, and he was paying for it. That really stunned me.

 

But now he says he doesn't think we tried hard enough to work things out before (which is why he strayed again). He's being really sweet, and I guess I'm feeling nostalgic for the life we used to have.

He seems so sincere about trying again.

 

But I really don't think it will work. Each time he finished an affair (and in fact during his affairs) he would tell me he wanted to work things out. I pointed that out to him and he said that maybe last time he didn't really mean it (!!??) - so why should I believe he means it now? I think he means it right now, but when things get rocky again, he'll do it all over again. We've been through it now several times, and I don't see why this time should be any different.

 

And I know that I will never trust him, and if I stayed with him, I would spend my life spying on him, and worrying all the time about him cheating again. That's no way to live. Plus I just don't believe in him anymore. I don't like that he's the kind of guy who would cheat on his pregnant wife!

 

But I just can't seem to bring myself to tell him. He's so excited to think that we should try again. I know that we should separate, I just need a place here to vent my feelings. When I see it all written down, I know what needs to be done. But he's very charming! And it's so tempting to stay. So I'm confused.

[moimeme]

The reason that you believe him is that he believes himself - unfortunately, he doesn't make decisions and stick to them. Yes, right now he's remorseful and filled with desire to reform. However, that attitude doesn't stay with him. It gets replaced by the desire to try out somebody new for whatever reason - and then that's the impulse he follows. What you need to do is remember that, no matter how sincere he is at this moment, his sincerity will change and be directed elswhere another time. And that's why you need to exit the relationship.

[DENTALASSISTANT]

I don't want to sound mean...but he is very charming and it is tempting...sounds like some other women thought is as well...get out!!!!! find someone who will love and respect you all of the time..not just when his last flame has burnt out.

[Guest]

Hi Peakey:

 

Take it from one with a sad, similar experience. Husband had several affairs admitted to them all after I caught him with #6 (!!!!!) I contacted lawyers (solicitors) to start divorce proceedings three times and three times he asked me to stop. For a year he promised me no contact with the other women (lie), no sex outside of marriage (lie) and that he wanted marriage to work (lie). Oh yeah, I was four months pregnant when I found out about his affairs. I told myself to give the marriage a go for the baby's sake.

 

Well, for 16 months after the first, unpleasant discovery, I tried to rebuild. I dragged him to counseling, I went to individual counseling, I did what he wanted to do, etc.,etc. IN OTHER WORDS became a doormat because I thought I wanted this marriage so d**n badly. He did, to use an American colloquialism, jack sh*t to reinvest in the marriage.

 

He wasn't really interested in rebuilding, just in-between sluts. I guess even a worm as low as he figured out that no woman would want a man with a newborn child (well, maybe...). So he waited a few months - then I caught him and one of the supposed-x OW having a "moment" at a party. Sorry, bub, no more second chances. I walked once and for all (that's the sound of the Who's "Won't Get Fooled Again" playing in the background).

 

Now, I wish I had walked the first time. The finances would have been easier and I would not have put his name on the birth certificate and would not have to deal with custody. I can survive financially without his blood money, but that may not be an option for you. Both families, mine and his have been supportive of my actions and actually wondered what took me so long! (A bit of a surprise, actually.)

 

I now am dealing with self-esteem issues that I was SOOOO stupid to try so hard with someone who SOOOO obviously didn't care. Luckily, baby will be too young to remember when his Mom did the welcome mat act and I won't have set a bad example. However, I am stuck with nighmarish memories that could have been prevented.

 

Sorry for the lecture (and maybe too much info!), but think looooong and hard about this.