Turning "best friend" into "girlfriend"?

[Raderick]

So I met a really awesome gal through a dating web site in March. On our second "date", I did attempt to make a move but she backed away. We talked about it the next day, she saying she's not looking for a relationship, and I was totally fine with it, and I was willing to be a good friend to her. She had just gotten out of a marriage, so the thought of diving into one (when especially all of her other friends tried to get her to party and get with other guys) seemed frightening to her.

 

Since then, pretty much our entire social lives have revolved each other, but it has been for the most part platonic. Hell, our mutual friends keep on thinking we're in a relationship. I laugh it off, while she thinks it's more serious and over time started to get a bit irked about it.

 

Recently she has given hints that she may have fully moved on from her ex-husband and wants to date once again. I notice this specifically because she was pretty flirtatious with another guy (she touching him very casually and chatted with him specifically for about 4-5 hours) at a recent party both of us attended and he want to make plans for coffee. This sends off many alarms in my head. I asked her about it and she said he was alright and that she has been thinking about relationships for a little while.

 

I still see potential in a full-blown relationship, but at the same time, being the jealous and quick-to-the-trigger type of guy, I feel like I need to make the move really soon, otherwise my window of opportunity is slowing closing. At the same time if she does go pursue someone else, I feel that our friendship will change dramatically and not for the better (she seeing him more than me, and she's the only true friend I have). I have at the same time not put all of my eggs in one basket, but still I get shot down after shotdown, and I still have some hopes that this one will blossom.

 

Thoughts?

Edited June 7, 2010 by Raderick

[somedude81]

So you met her on a dating site, made a move and she rejected you. Gave you the, "we can still be friends" line and you accepted. (Which was a very bad move, I might add)

 

So over time you got closer to each other and you became her BFF, one could even say like her brother.

 

Now she's thinking about dating again and flirting with other guys. Dude you are in the very definition of the friendzone. The window closed when she rejected you and you took the consolation prize of becoming her girlfriend....

 

You need to decide if you want to stay platonic friends with her or not. What is most important to you?

 

If you want to make a move, be prepared for your friendship to drastically change. It might also end.

 

BTW I've already gone though almost the same exact situation that your in now. Even though we don't speak anymore, it's better than lying to myself that I was fine with just being her girlfriend. The next girl that I started to like also rejected me and offered friendship and I'm proud to say that I declined.

[Raderick]

So you met her on a dating site, made a move and she rejected you. Gave you the, "we can still be friends" line and you accepted. (Which was a very bad move, I might add)

 

So over time you got closer to each other and you became her BFF, one could even say like her brother.

 

Now she's thinking about dating again and flirting with other guys. Dude you are in the very definition of the friendzone. The window closed when she rejected you and you took the consolation prize of becoming her girlfriend....

 

You need to decide if you want to stay platonic friends with her or not. What is most important to you?

 

If you want to make a move, be prepared for your friendship to drastically change. It might also end.

 

BTW I've already gone though almost the same exact situation that your in now. Even though we don't speak anymore, it's better than lying to myself that I was fine with just being her girlfriend. The next girl that I started to like also rejected me and offered friendship and I'm proud to say that I declined.

 

I probably should have mentioned this, but she was on the dating site specifically to meet new friends, nothing more.

 

I have been looking for a relationship for several months, at the same time I have also been looking for friends. We got along really well regardless, and I'm not one to turn down a friendship.

[WTRanger]

So I met a really awesome gal through a dating web site in March. On our second "date", I did attempt to make a move but she backed away. We talked about it the next day, she saying she's not looking for a relationship, and I was totally fine with it, and I was willing to be a good friend to her. She had just gotten out of a marriage, so the thought of diving into one (when especially all of her other friends tried to get her to party and get with other guys) seemed frightening to her.

 

Since then, pretty much our entire social lives have revolved each other, but it has been for the most part platonic. Hell, our mutual friends keep on thinking we're in a relationship. I laugh it off, while she thinks it's more serious and over time started to get a bit irked about it.

 

Recently she has given hints that she may have fully moved on from her ex-husband and wants to date once again. I notice this specifically because she was pretty flirtatious with another guy (she touching him very casually and chatted with him specifically for about 4-5 hours) at a recent party both of us attended and he want to make plans for coffee. This sends off many alarms in my head. I asked her about it and she said he was alright and that she has been thinking about relationships for a little while.

 

I still see potential in a full-blown relationship, but at the same time, being the jealous and quick-to-the-trigger type of guy, I feel like I need to make the move really soon, otherwise my window of opportunity is slowing closing. At the same time if she does go pursue someone else, I feel that our friendship will change dramatically and not for the better (she seeing him more than me, and she's the only true friend I have). I have at the same time not put all of my eggs in one basket, but still I get shot down after shotdown, and I still have some hopes that this one will blossom.

 

Thoughts?

 

Let's clarify the bold part. This should read ,"I'm not looking for a relationship with YOU." That's what that means. You can see it happening already. This other guy has got her thinking about relationships when she was all closed off with you. The fact that you are willing to settle hurts you as well. It makes you look like such a girlfriend with a penis to her. Not good.

 

If you are somewhat the jealous type and have feelings for her, settling for friends is a bad bad bad bad bad bad idea. Forget about this one, move on, and keep trying. You'll find someone. Just don't settle.

 

I doubt she was really on the dating website for friends only. That's just what she's telling you. You've got to put everything she tells you through the Brad Pitt rule. Would she say she's not ready if you looked like Brad Pitt? Hell no.

[ADF]

Your window of opportunity with this woman closed a long time ago. This "I'm not ready for a relationship right now" talk is just BS. She's just not into you for whatever reason. But she clearly is into this other guy.

 

She's behaved pretty badly. Any woman with any real-world experience ought to know that men almost NEVER go out of their way to befriend women they're not attracted to. She should have recognized that by being her "friend," you were hoping for something more someday. Unfortunately, she's just not interested. You've been Friend-Zoned.

Edited June 7, 2010 by ADF

[Morals]

I'm the optimistic type, so I'll give the OP benefit of the doubt.

 

That doesn't mean that I don't agree with the other posters, but I too see the value in a friendship.

 

However, I would be slow to claim "true friendship" with someone you've known for this short of a time. Has she ever done ANYTHING for you. Better yet, have you ever gotten in a fight with her? I know this seems silly, but it's not really a true friendship in my book until you've had a dispute about something and managed to mend it. I'm not talking about which flavor of ice cream is best either...

 

I would like to add that some of the best relationships are sometimes born of great friendships. That doesn't mean you go into them as a friend looking for more. You go into them as a friend looking to be a friend, and if it evolves into that then go from there.

 

There is a difference so I'll make sure I clarify that again.

 

"Friends" Type A:

You meet a girl, decide you want to be friends and go about life. You date other people and regardless of your feelings to her you keep your life going on. Eventually something changes (for the better) between you and your friend and you feel a connection. You might mention being more then friends, but say it lightly and never mention any sort of long-standing deep seeded feelings in it. You want to emphasize that the time you have shared was fun, and that by being with them you intend to continue that on a deeper level.

 

"Friends" Type B:

You meet a girl that you like, decide to date her but she says she only wants to be friends <for now>, or she isn't dating anyone right now, etc etc, <insert generic blowoff here>. You accept the act of friend in hopes that by becoming her friend you will somehow make her more in tune with your feelings. Unfortunately the chances of this happening are statistically lower then winning the lottery. You attempt to make her your "BFF" and vice versa until you realize she is seeing someone else. In that unfortunate moment, you resent being with her and instead of being happy for her (like a true friend) you are angry that she doesn't see you as dating material.

 

Type B is bad. Type A is good.

 

There's nothing wrong with being a friend, but as long as it's on YOUR terms. Not theirs. Remember, you can't spell girlfriend without friend. Relationships are friends that have a deep connection with each other that surpasses most friendships.

[somedude81]

I probably should have mentioned this, but she was on the dating site specifically to meet new friends, nothing more.

 

I have been looking for a relationship for several months, at the same time I have also been looking for friends. We got along really well regardless, and I'm not one to turn down a friendship.

Hmm, then it seems like you were screwed from the start.

 

Personally I find it difficult to have female friends if I'm not having my other needs met. It usually means I end up falling for the female friend.

[Yamaha]

Ask her if she knows any women she can introduce you to. If she agrees then you know you are just a friend. Sadly you were her friend from the beginning and she just didn't have the nerve to tell you the truth. If you don't want to be a friend then walk away and find romance.

[sonia99]

So I met a really awesome gal through a dating web site in March. On our second "date", I did attempt to make a move but she backed away. We talked about it the next day, she saying she's not looking for a relationship, and I was totally fine with it, and I was willing to be a good friend to her. She had just gotten out of a marriage, so the thought of diving into one (when especially all of her other friends tried to get her to party and get with other guys) seemed frightening to her.

 

Since then, pretty much our entire social lives have revolved each other, but it has been for the most part platonic. Hell, our mutual friends keep on thinking we're in a relationship. I laugh it off, while she thinks it's more serious and over time started to get a bit irked about it.

 

Recently she has given hints that she may have fully moved on from her ex-husband and wants to date once again. I notice this specifically because she was pretty flirtatious with another guy (she touching him very casually and chatted with him specifically for about 4-5 hours) at a recent party both of us attended and he want to make plans for coffee. This sends off many alarms in my head. I asked her about it and she said he was alright and that she has been thinking about relationships for a little while.

 

I still see potential in a full-blown relationship, but at the same time, being the jealous and quick-to-the-trigger type of guy, I feel like I need to make the move really soon, otherwise my window of opportunity is slowing closing. At the same time if she does go pursue someone else, I feel that our friendship will change dramatically and not for the better (she seeing him more than me, and she's the only true friend I have). I have at the same time not put all of my eggs in one basket, but still I get shot down after shotdown, and I still have some hopes that this one will blossom.

 

Thoughts?

 

First of all, we have to see the difference between your current status and what you want to have. In fact, you are ALMOST like a real boyfriend, only without sex. The majority of girls treat their masculine friends as if they were boyfriends – they can ask you to lend some money, to fix her PC, to give her a ride somewhere. You see, girls don't really see the HUGE difference between a friend and a boyfriend, but this difference is really hard to get rid of! Women usually see two types of men: boyfriends and those, who aren't. Simple, don't you think so? Yes, it actually is, but you will face different problems while trying to change your own status from #2 to #1.

 

Even in case she is having serious troubles with her boyfriend, you will have to work VERY hard to take his place. First of all, you will have to get over your friendship. This is, in fact, the most difficult part. This will require a lot from you: you have to remember that in case you fail, things will never be the same again!

[ParkRain]

Considering that you're clearly interested in her, you're about to enter into a world of trouble. My advice: Put it on the line, because this might be a now or never moment.

 

If she's looking for a relationship, why not with you? She knows you, you like each other, etc. If she shoots you down, and gets together with the new guy, you need to take a step back in your friendship relation - because she will no matter if you tell her you want to be together or not.

 

Being permanently friend-zoned while still being interested AND she has a new boyfriend WILL be a total nightmare.

 

Go for it, you have nothing to lose except what is already lost.

[fallinlove]

Raderick,

 

When you accepted to be "just friends" with her, did you still made it clear to her that you'll be waiting when she feels she's ready for a new relationship?