can't be 2nd best any longer

[Molly1977]

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I dated this guy for a year and just broke up with him on Monday morning. When I first met him, he told me that he and his ex were still really good friends, best friends in fact, and explained that it was difficult to for most people to fathom or accept, but that they were really just "friends". He presented this to me in such a way that I really thought, okay, I've got to put my trust issues in my past and take this guy's word. Mind you, I thought this was pretty mature of me, but it slapped me in the face.

 

Let me tell you about their 5 yr relationship first:

They got together in their teens, and into their early 20s they began to experiment alot sexually with other people. She wanted other men in bed and she at one point wanted him with one of her friends, but she conveniently couldn't go thru with it. After years of this sort of activity, he began to find out little by little that she was now sleeping with these men behind his back, including his friends, other women, you name it, she did it. Now he always accepted this, she would always leave in the midst of the confrontation but always manage to manipulate her way back into his life and he always welcomed her back with open arms. So her family hates him for their own reasons, and his family loathes her for the things that she did, although he DID allow them. Okay, so apparantly, at the end stages of their relationship (which she ended), they decided to be "friends", and remain this way to this day.

 

Okay, so now they've been apart for about 2 years, which she has moved on to several different men, commitments and casually. He had met one particular girl from another state who swept him off of his feet. He made plans to go back to her home state with her until she finished school and then move back closer to home with him. Well, the ex got wind of this girl and decided that she wasn't going to lose him for whatever sick and twisted reason she has, and came back into his life, pulled his strings and got him to think that they were back together. Well, the new girl left, telling him that he obviously made his decision, and a few weeks later, the ex washes her hands of him and he's screwed, again because he allowed it.

 

During our relationship, she would call whenever, and he was always open about talking to her in front of me, never hid a phone call, talked to her right in front of me always, which I found to be comforting, he had nothing to hide so to speak. They would hang out occasionally and that was okay because he would call me and inform me of every move, when he got there, during to let me know what they were going to do (usually just lunch or coffee), and would call me on his way back to his house. Now she is still very open about her personal life with him, tells him about the partners she currently has (which is usually atleast 3), and she is a very emotionally unstable girl...she is 23, (he's 25, I'm 26). As time went on though, it seemed that she called more and more, and he would usually talk to her if she was throwing a fit about anything (usually a guy), and she would sometimes keep him on the phone for about 45 minutes. At first I thought that it was because this girl literally has no girlfriends (she has slept with all of their boyfriends), so I figured he just felt bad for her and didn't want to leave her stranded.

 

Anyway, I am sorry this is so long. I had always made mention of the fact that going out for drinks was not acceptable with her, and he never did. He did respect my concerns and never crossed me. So this past Saturday we were doing our own thing, and he had told me that he was going to some function where she was going to be through mutual friends. I figured they'd be drinking together, so I asked him why he hadn't told me before hand of this plan and he said he was pretty sure that he had made me aware of it. I went to go see a good friend of mine who lives about an hour away and didn't want to wind myself up, so when asked if it bothered me, I said do what you want, but we need to talk later. So I presume he sensed that of course I wasn't, and that by him crossing that line would mean trouble, but he did anyway.....and didn't come home all weekend. Didn't call or anything. Now mind you this is a guy who was always on my back about where i was, and whether or not i was going to be in his bed at the end of the night with him. This guy made sure that I always knew who he was with at any given time and he was good on his word. And then this weekend everything changed.

 

I finally called him Monday morning because seeing as it was over in my mind Saturday morning, I needed closure, to move on, to concentrate on just daily activities. He didn't answer but called right back and said he had just gotten my voice mail. I had heard thru the grapevine that they had gone out for breakfast and that he would be home after. So when i asked him if he was with her right then, he answered yes. (WTF?!?!?!)

 

So he called me later on that morning to sort things out obviously and he basically admitted to not having a good enough excuse for what he did, he didn't know why he did it, and that he's the dumbest guy walking because he doesn't know why he lets her pull his strings. I asked him if he had ever detached himself from her to move on and he said no. Who doesn't detach when you break up??? Get a clue!

And he also had the gall to ask me to still be friends......are people really this dumb?

 

Of course my heart hurts because I developed so many feelings for this guy who i thought was so great, so honest..... and now i don't know how much of any of that was true.

 

I don't know...I know this was partially my fault because in this situation especially with how vindictive she is, i should have known better. But do these people EVER move on or what? I told him he's going to grow up to be a lonely old guy, and he agreed, and even admitted that he had probably lost one of the best things in his life. If someone knows this, then WTF??

 

Is it the chase, the rejection factor he gets from her, the challenge, WHAT?

I really don't expect that many of you read this novel, and I certainly hope I don't get the how stupid i am replies, because i already feel dumb enough. I just hope that someone reading this had goine thru something similar and may have some feedback as to why someone like him accepts someone so dirty like her???

 

Thanks sooooooooooooooo much, my hands are exhausted

[DerangedAngel]

Molly,

 

I am so very sorry to hear about this happening to you. From your post, it doesn't sound like he is willing to keep her out of his life completely, and I don't think you'd ever truly be able to trust him again because of that (if you were thinking about getting back together).

 

Many men and women are manipulated by spouses, boyfriends/girlfriends, and EX's. I just wanted to let you know that you're not "stupid". You gave the guy an honest chance, he blew it. It isn't your fault at all that the relationship didn't work.

 

I hope there's a wonderful man in your future. Best wishes.

 

-Deranged

[pinkroses]

don't beat yourself up, you are not stupid. Guys like your ex bf have a way of convincing women of things as it suits their needs. I read your whole message because I just went through something real similar. My ex bf is the real honest type, who called me every day, and we saw each other regularly. He was great all during the holidays. And when he took me out for my birthday the early part of this month he was all involved and generous and caring, and things were just fine. Then suddenly the next day I got stood up (something I never dreamed he'd do). He had rushed out of town for a funeral, supposedly (I found out by calling him on Sunday). Then he went out of town the next two weekends in a row, and had very minimal phone contact with me. I have no idea what could have happened so suddenly, that he changed so completely overnight like that. I'm just baffled. The last time I was on the phone with him he was nasty and mean and putting me off so I was forced to end the relationship. Either that or keep dealing with his elusiveness and snottiness. There had been other mood problems and less than desirable treatment during our relationship too, and this was kind of the final straw. I just couldn't do it anymore.

 

I don't see how men can be so cowardly not to just tell a woman they want out or something has changed. Even if she screams and freaks out, at least they would have done the right thing being honest. Instead they have to be obnoxious asses and drive her to ending it, or just disappear. Yellowbellies like this don't deserve to be in a relationship with any decent woman, they do not have the integrity or maturity to be taken seriously. My relationship lasted 7 months, and I feel like I've lost touch with a big chunk of my life, you probably feel even more so.

 

Just know that you'll be better off when you get past this. Life is too short to spend it fretting and being worried and anxious and upset over someone's selfish and inconsiderate behavior. Find someone who will not be tied to anyone from his past, and who will want you and be there for you. But give yourself enough time to heal from this broken relationship. I made the mistake of getting involved with my last bf only 6 months after ending a former relationship. I was still angry and vulnerable, and now I'm in double the pain I was a year ago.

 

Take care

[Molly1977]

Thank you, you two for taking the time to read my book and for lending your advice. It just sucks that the first few weeks of breakup are twists and knots in your stomach and the sleepless hours are worse. I don't think that i have ever tossed and turned this much in my life. And i can't believe that 11 months can hurt this bad.

 

And Deranged, is that a picture of you?

 

Thanks again...

[Girlie]

You are not alone, Molly. Believe me. I had a boyfriend who also had an ex in his life and we ended up breaking up over her. They eventually married, were extremely unhappy, and divorced and he's now headed in the direction of being loney and old. Unfortunately, they just don't get it. But you did and now you can move onto a happier life. I think learning from this is key. I hate to be awful, but I ALWAYS stay away from guys who insist on being really, really, really close to their ex now. Perhaps I'm missing out on someone somewhere because of this, but I am not going through that experience again. Forget it. I'll take my chances and go with the guys who don't have exes pulling on their strings.

[DerangedAngel]

Yes, my avatar is me! A shrunken-and-distorted-must-fit-in-100x100-pixels-me.

 

-Deranged

[Girlie]

I love that picture, Deranged. I would love to have pretty, dark hair, but alas, I'm stuck being the blonde bimbo (the bimbo part being in other people's minds, not the truth. that whole blonde stereotype thing). Anyhow, just wanted you to know it looks awesome!!

[calithin83]

Yes you aint stupid you just were just being a nice cool girlfriend by trusting him and giving him a chance, he should be lucky he had u and one day hes gonna realize that he did lose a good thing, right now u need to focus on u, obivously hes still has something for her.....thats his problem that he needs to figure out ALONE, he might come back to u but u gotta be strong, if hes not willing to stop hanging out with her then dont go abck with him, i knwo it sux but he has to choose, the girl sounds like a stupid girl but she sure has him in his hands....

 

 

You deserve soemone who gives you 100% of there time not 50 or 60 or 70....its rude of him to be picking up calls from her and tlaking to her for like 45min when hes with u, he should of said like "im sorry but right now im with my gf". I guess hes not over her, and therefore u need to just move onw ith ureself...u sound relaly smart and likea good gf, so HIS loss, REALLY his loss, if he wants a bitch like her whom likes to sleep around and play games then let him have that, he'll see that it aint so fun sooner or later.....

 

being friends is hard after a break up, i rather just cut the communication until u feel ready to be a friend, take ure time, dont think about him and what he wants think or feels, obvioulsy he didnt think of u that wekend when he didnt call u cos he was too busy with her....

 

i think u deserve respect and much better, and he obivously just is unsure of his feelings, and also has even lost respect for himself.

[calithin83]

also i know its hard the weeks after a breakup but this is what has helped me, i set a deadline in my calender, usually liek 4 weeks later, when i hit that point i say that i will be strong at that point, the firsst two weeks are HARD and its tempting to call or pick up the phone if they call, or go over there house and try something...but DONT!!

 

exercise

read a book - "why men love bitches" by agrov - this is the best BOOk ever!!! get it in the library or look it up online!!!!

 

do yoga

 

pray

take hot baths

drink hot tea

CRY CRY CRY but then realize HIS LOSS....

stretch, and breath slowly inhale-exhale

write poetry

write hate letter but dontsend them to him

and just do anything that takes out ure emotions!!!

 

then be productive

clean ure room

do soemthing nice for YOURSELF

remind ureslef ure special and that u deserve a special guy!!!

 

anyways Goodluck!! READ THAT BOOK!!!!!!!

[calithin83]

book is by sherry argov

[Molly1977]

Thank you so much for all the feedback all of you. I definately AM moving on, my pride is one quality that surpasses all of my others, which can also be a bad thing...but not in this case!!

 

Thanks for all of the encouragement, and good for you those younger than I that have such a strong frame of mind!! Keep it and you'll get out before you are hurt! Just remember, your instincts are usually always right...I feel foolish that I betrayed mine. I actually was able to take a nap today, the first decent sleep that i've gotten since everything went down.

 

Be good...

 

Molly

[Arabess]

There is NO rhyme or reason as to WHY someone is drawn to someone else. From the outside looking in..you can't see why in the WORLD they would be interested in someone who treats them badly or has never made them happy. HOWEVER, and this is a big however, they seem to do so.

 

Maybe it's because we can't control our hearts.

 

When someone chooses someone over us....it's HARD to accept.....but it doesn't mean anything is wrong with us. It just means.....that HEART thing happened to someone we care about.....and they have no choice but to explore it.

 

YEAH....YOU BET....it hurts like hell. The deal is....this TOO shall pass.....and you'll live right thru it.

 

Asking him for any explanation or 'closure' is a waste of time. Let it go...until he MAY change his mind...then make a decision. I, though, would never just sit and wait for someone to return. Most don't. Whether your guy does or doesn't should NOT change the direction and dreams you have for your life as an idividual.

 

Arabess