Pressure

[You Go Girl]

Keep in mind that my ex wouldn't do MC because she was afraid it would save the M, and shes read the manual, so there has to be something to that.

 

Mine wouldn't go because he knew he'd be called out on lying, bullying, narcissism, manipulation, intimidation, alcoholism, porn-addiction, etc.

Interesting to analyze who won't go, and why.

 

Tojaz, did a fleeting thought cross your mind of starting over with her again after this recent conversation with her?

I am thinking that's why these new posts exist.

[trippi1432]

Mine wouldn't go because he knew he'd be called out on lying, bullying, narcissism, manipulation, intimidation, alcoholism, porn-addiction, etc.

Interesting to analyze who won't go, and why.

 

Tojaz, did a fleeting thought cross your mind of starting over with her again after this recent conversation with her?

I am thinking that's why these new posts exist.

 

Mine went to one session after coming back home for 3 weeks...on the way to the session, our wedding song came on the radio and he turned it off. He looked over at me with a sarcastic grin on his face and said he always hated that song. Basically, his fear was that the counseling would have to make him face up to who he really is and how his behavior affected the family....same reason why he won't let our son go to counseling anymore and refused to go to session with him as well.

[What_Next]

I have informed my STBX that I am fine with her leaving for her "girls weekend", or whatever the hell she has planned. Honrstly, I don't care anymore.

 

While I'd like to say this will not impact upon our upcoming MC on Monday, I have a feeling it will. I am not 100% sure as it stands right now that I won't be informing her upon her return to pack up and get out.

 

I've hit my breaking point.

[nobmagnet]

I have informed my STBX that I am fine with her leaving for her "girls weekend", or whatever the hell she has planned. Honrstly, I don't care anymore.

 

While I'd like to say this will not impact upon our upcoming MC on Monday, I have a feeling it will. I am not 100% sure as it stands right now that I won't be informing her upon her return to pack up and get out.

 

I've hit my breaking point.

 

hello,

 

im sorry you are in this situation. I remember it oh to well. One minute acceptance, next panic, next anger ect ect.

 

I will say something to you if you dont mind ( I rarely post) i feel you have made the correct choice for the very reasons you stated. She will make your life hell if you dont give her your blessing. If she is going to do anything she will anyway weather it is home or away.

 

Take the oppertunity you have been given in MC to be frank and honest. Say how you feel about it and that you agree for her to go because you understand if you say no then she will be resentful and its effecting the "whole" family. Make it vague, to make a pointed remark about her being a bad mum will just push her away and make her vicious ( we mums do that if our skills as a parent are questioned) Admit you dont want to feel the way you do, but due to the whole position you two are in you are finding it very hard to trust at the present time.

 

Marriage guidance it just that. Be honest. Without honesty with the councellor helping you two it is a pointless excersice. I say this from my own experience. I went to 10 sessions and only told my part of it on the second to last. He blamed me for everything and I agreed to most of what he said but right at the end I asked him what part he played and if he could have done things better. On his reflection.................nope he hadnt. The councellour asked him to go away and re think. next session he was to say what he might have done better. Next session..........he still didnt. Lost cause but i still too him back.

 

Any hoo in hindsight i found saying how i felt cathartic and helpful. I said stuff i wouldnt have without a proffecional there to guide. if your marriage survives not I would advice you use the councelling for its help. it cannot help unless you are completely honest.

 

 

I wish you the very best my sweet. As Tojas said he wished he had had the oppurtunity as many dont.

 

 

Nobby xx

[What_Next]

nobmagnet, I thank you for your post. After letting my STBX know that she can feel free to have her weekend her behavior took a drastic twist. Up to this point I've been getting the cold hearted b__h treatment from her. Nothing, no reaction, no nothing.

 

My email to her was devoid of emotion and to the point. It was almost sterile. That was intentional.

 

She immeadiately returned my email and it was obvious she took notice. She even asked when I would be home tonight. Gut reaction, not sure and right now I don't much care.

 

She then went one step further and called me and asked me what specific MC I had chosen (which I had already sent her last Friday) because someone she has been getting advice from suggested another. I was polite, cordial and encouraging, suggesting that a backup plan was not a bad idea, just in case the first MC did not work out. I told her that I would let her investigate that as I have up to this point done about as I much as I can do. She agreed.

 

I ended the conversation and felt very good about it. Then my child's favorite song comes on the radio and I lose it while driving back to work. It hit me like a punch to the nads .

 

I will take your advice and give MC an honest try and be as up front and straightforward as I can be. I'll hold nothing back, but be careful of what I say and how I say it. I believe that is the only way the process will work and in the end I want to come out on the other end a better person.

 

I still am confused as ever about the female mind though. Without sounding like a complete a__ole I think I need to get laid

[nobmagnet]

bless you button:love:

 

as you said yourself, finding a councellor that you both feel good about is the way to go. Lowly Worm found one and liked her and i found one and thought he wouldnt. we went with his.

 

I kinda guess its a massive learning cuvre right now for you all and I send my love.

 

if you can Pm me but if not i will be around in the sidelines

 

 

Nobby x

[tojaz]

It's funny how sometimes all the advice you need is sitting right in front of you and you are too pig headed to follow it.... I could not bring myself to utilize the 180 all at once. It would have been too big of a personality shift and I would have likely failed.

 

However, I can put into practice bits and pieces of it and slowly learn to adhere to it. I'm already noticing small impacts of this plan. I wish I could go complete NC; but that's just not possible and with a child in the mix is not the correct route anyway.

 

Each day I feel a little stronger, a little more empowered and a little more willing to face what comes next. Maybe the handle I chose for this forum is very appropriate after all.

 

NC, LC, the 180, and any of the other advice here is not meant to be followed to the letter. You have to tailor them to fit your own situation. Take what you need and what you can use and leave the rest. Thats the hard part. I came across it too late, but you may want to take a look at the book "Getting back together" There is a lot of good advice in there for someone who is still early on.

 

TOJAZ

[tojaz]

Tojaz, did a fleeting thought cross your mind of starting over with her again after this recent conversation with her?

I am thinking that's why these new posts exist.

 

Well, that thought has always been in the back of my mind somewhere. Just knowing the person she was v/s what she is makes it hard not to. She has literally become the type of woman she had always hated. The thought that she would return was hard to shake. The recent contact actually showed glimpses of that person (at least in my mind).

 

TOJAZ

[What_Next]

Tojaz, I will take your advice and have a look for that specific book. Tonight was a success in my opinion. I was blessed with spending some real quality time with my the REAL love of my life. My daughter.

 

My STBX is preparing for her "girls weekend" and I don't care. Well of course I care, but I don't care. Now that makes a lot of sense doesn't it? I stayed quiet, cordial and pleasent.

 

I get the weekend to spend as much quality time as I can with my child. This means more to me than anything else and in fact nothing else matters to me right now. I left MY HOME, I gave her, "space", fine enough. The next time space is required, she LEAVES. NOT ME.

 

The rollercoaster continues.

[trippi1432]

Well, that thought has always been in the back of my mind somewhere. Just knowing the person she was v/s what she is makes it hard not to. She has literally become the type of woman she had always hated. The thought that she would return was hard to shake. The recent contact actually showed glimpses of that person (at least in my mind).

 

TOJAZ

 

Honestly Tojaz, that is what happens to a lot of marriages and people....happens to us all in some way, shape or form....becoming the type of person we didn't intend or want to be. Problem is, when the two people should be holding onto each other they push each other away, let things come between them.

 

I recall my mother and step-father's vows...they had them specifically altered that family would leave these two individuals at peace so they could live happy within their marriage. Family has never come between them even at the most stressful times when my grandmother was dying....my step-father stood by my mother and vice-versa.

 

I can relate to your ex becoming someone she always hated.....one day she will see it, but (in my opinion, she is still too young to understand it yet). Until she suffers a tremendous loss....this may be all the hope you have. Sorry if that sounds depressing, but we all know that it takes some time for people to "wake up".

[tojaz]

Tojaz, I will take your advice and have a look for that specific book. Tonight was a success in my opinion. I was blessed with spending some real quality time with my the REAL love of my life. My daughter.

 

My STBX is preparing for her "girls weekend" and I don't care. Well of course I care, but I don't care. Now that makes a lot of sense doesn't it? I stayed quiet, cordial and pleasent.

 

I get the weekend to spend as much quality time as I can with my child. This means more to me than anything else and in fact nothing else matters to me right now. I left MY HOME, I gave her, "space", fine enough. The next time space is required, she LEAVES. NOT ME.

 

The rollercoaster continues.

 

Well I hope the book helps, in spending time on LS helping others and going through my own issues, I'm a little embarassed to admit that i have developed quite the library of relationship books and have a few that i suggest quite often. That is one of them and the others are "Crazy Time" and "Reconcilable Differences" but I think "Getting back together will be the one that speaks to you the most right now.

 

Enjoy the weekend break from your ordeal. Take a little seperation from the drama. Most of my deepest thoughts and favorite threads (and by extension realizations) where written out of the blue when I was thinking clearly and not in the thick of it. Use it to your advantage.

 

TOJAZ

[What_Next]

Another day, another set of emotions. Par for the course I suppose. There was some anger in my post, but there is a grain of truth to it.

 

Last night was very hard. My STBX did at least try, she BBQ'd steak (one of my favs) and kept the mood as light as possible. I did appreciate that and told her so. However, there was little contact between us, and right now that is a good thing.

 

I took to spending as much time as I could with my daughter. That helped so much and in the end I realize that that is one of the only positive side effects of living under the same roof right now so I must maximize that.

 

I am still using the 180 as a guideline, but honestly more for me than anything else. It's not necessarily to improve things between my STBX and I. I realize that I need to improve some of my own behavorial traits for me, for my child and ultimately for my next partner, be it my STBX or another woman. For that I am thankful.

 

If this set of events had not occured I would have continued down the life path that I was on and eventually that would have ended bad, in fact worse than the situation I am in now.

 

I'll be glad when she leaves tonight and I don't have to think about her until Sunday. I am learning so much about myself everyday. Who knew I didn't even know myself

[tojaz]

Another day, another set of emotions. Par for the course I suppose. There was some anger in my post, but there is a grain of truth to it.

 

Last night was very hard. My STBX did at least try, she BBQ'd steak (one of my favs) and kept the mood as light as possible. I did appreciate that and told her so. However, there was little contact between us, and right now that is a good thing.

 

I took to spending as much time as I could with my daughter. That helped so much and in the end I realize that that is one of the only positive side effects of living under the same roof right now so I must maximize that.

 

I am still using the 180 as a guideline, but honestly more for me than anything else. It's not necessarily to improve things between my STBX and I. I realize that I need to improve some of my own behavorial traits for me, for my child and ultimately for my next partner, be it my STBX or another woman. For that I am thankful.

 

If this set of events had not occured I would have continued down the life path that I was on and eventually that would have ended bad, in fact worse than the situation I am in now.

 

I'll be glad when she leaves tonight and I don't have to think about her until Sunday. I am learning so much about myself everyday. Who knew I didn't even know myself

 

People seldom know themselves but your moving right along. You said yourself that she at least tried, don't overlook little signs of light, slow is best, avoids the "pressure" a cordial BBQ while seemingly small is a big thing for her I would imagine. She is struggling too.

 

TOJAZ

[redpoppy]

I've been reading some of your advice to others and you seem to be one wise and balanced guy. Why is it we can see everything so clearly when it's another's problem and then when it comes to our own, we are often clueless! Take care from Pops

[tojaz]

Everything is always clearer when emotions are not part of the equation. From the outside looking in, at pretty much every story here, people can wonder why we fight for people who are so obviously bad for us, or hurting us, but we do. Its the parts that can't be seen on an online forum or in a selfhelp book that keep us in a relationship. Keep us in the fight.

 

Love and emotion and logic and reason do not play well together, never have never will.

 

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

Everything is always clearer when emotions are not part of the equation. From the outside looking in, at pretty much every story here, people can wonder why we fight for people who are so obviously bad for us, or hurting us, but we do. Its the parts that can't be seen on an online forum or in a selfhelp book that keep us in a relationship. Keep us in the fight.

 

Love and emotion and logic and reason do not play well together, never have never will.

 

TOJAZ

 

Very true!!! :o:o

[What_Next]

Tojaz has helped me immensely and I am eternally grateful for that.

 

If you think about it, thats why the counseling route is often wise. A third party, independent, non-judgemental, someone that doesn't know you, doesn't bring along any baggage can look at the situation from a fresh perspective and offer advice on it.

 

From the LS perspective though, the advice if often coming from someone that has been EXACTLY where you are right now. They have felt the same emotions, screamed at the moon and cried uncontrollably, just like you are at the time.

 

The resources that we have available to us today are amazing, the trick is knowing when and how to use them to achieve the best possible outcome. I have learned and am learning from a personal point of view that this is safest bet to getting where you want to go.