Reading his email?

[niko1999]

Am I crazy becuase sometimes I would just LOVE to get into his email and read it? Does anyone else feel like this sometimes with thier SO? Sometimes I just feel like he is not telling me anything that is going on in his life and in his head, and maybe by reading his email, I could find out. I dont want to check up on him, per se, Im just curious. And given the chance, I probably would read his email. Probably why he has a password on his computer that I have yet to figure out I probably could, but since I havent, I guess I dont have that much of a concern. But does anyone else ever want to do so? Just out of morbid curiousity? I guess its becuase he has a password on his computer that makes me so intrigued to get into his stuff Its like the need to push the button that youre told not to push

[DerangedAngel]

Am I crazy becuase sometimes I would just LOVE to get into his email and read it?

 

No.

 

Does anyone else feel like this sometimes with thier SO?

 

No... last time I felt I needed to check up on my boyfriend (not by email), I found out he was cheating on me. I'd rather just not look and hope for the best.

 

Just out of morbid curiousity?

 

Morbid curiousity is dangerous, but I hear ya. Even if you could, I don't think you should read his email... unless he says you can.

 

-Deranged

[jenny]

if he has a password, it means he values his privacy. please respect that if you respect him.

 

i'll tell you straight up, as a privacy buff myself, if someone broke into my email, it would be easy ground to get rid of that person quickly and without any remorse.

 

the one boy who did this to me had no inner life, no outer life, and evidently no manners. i feel sorry for him, but i would never tolerate this kind of behaviour again. ironically, he found nothing but letters from my parents wondering what gandhi would make of contemporary rap.

 

i'm sure you are not like this guy, but please don't do this if your bf has communicated to you, via the gesture of a password, that he would like a private area to himself. most of us have adequate enough rearing to never open snail-mail; i have no idea why email would be fair game.

 

i am very strong and opinionated on this issue, but read around. different people have quite different takes. my sense is that you know it is wrong for you, specifically, to be doing this; it's a guilty pleasure; but you might need to be told by your SO that he has clear and present boundaries.

 

he's another human being as well as your boyfriend, please respect him as much as you would any colleague or friend.

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by niko1999

Does anyone else feel like this sometimes with thier SO?

Never, if she needs to tell me something, she will.

Sometimes I just feel like he is not telling me anything that is going on in his life and in his head, and maybe by reading his email, I could find out.

You could also acheive this through healthy communication.

 

I don't think you're crazy, but it's an issue that needs to be addressed, I tend to agree with jenny on the issue of privacy.

[peakey]

Wow, that's a tough one. I have to admit I spied on my H, and did whatever I could to figure out passwords to his email accounts etc. But then, I had strong reasons to suspect he was cheating. And he was. But I always felt awful about prying.

 

Some people are very possessive of their privacy, and that's understandable. On the other hand, I find it disturbing if partners keep secrets from each other (unless one of them is a spy or something ; )

Actually, it's more worrying if partners have been very open with each other and then suddendly they start keeping secrets. That's more of a sign that something's up.

 

Be careful to respect his privacy, unless you have any other (strong) reasons to suspect that he's being unfaithful. Either way, why not talk to him about it? Ask him if there's a reason he keeps things secret. Tell him if it bugs you.

[Girlie]

The only times I've had urges to get into any of my SO's private stuff, it was because I thought I was being cheated on. Unfortunately, turns out I was right although I didn't find out that way. Now I just figure if I'm suspicious, that's my que to get out. I understand the curiousity, but don't. And if you think there's a reason you should be, that's a big flashing red light.

[dyermaker]

The fact that he desires privacy doesn't mean that he neccessarily has something to hide.

[jenny]

yes! thank you! they are seperate concepts!

[dyermaker]

I believe that privacy is an innate human desire. My cousin is two, she asks that the door be shut when she goes to the bathroom.

[TheFaithfulWife]

I never felt the need to invade my husbands privacy and I respected that for 17 years until I found out he was having an affair.

 

When I walked into our bedroom, after having been out for the day, and heard my husband on the phone telling another woman how much he loved her and that he would be over after her kids were asleep that changed everything!

 

I felt the need to know who was the man I was living with, and where did the husband go that I thought I had.

 

I also wanted to know what he was telling her about us. I found out everything and am very glad I snooped, but, unless you have reason to believe that your spouse is lying to you, I think that you need to respect his privacy.

 

I have vowed now that we are back together and the affair is over, that I will not get into his email or cell phone unless he gives me a reason to believe he is cheating again.

 

I am a very open person and I have no problems with him reading anything I have to say in e mails.

 

The FaithfulWife

[dyermaker]

I've found that this thought is not unique, and I'd like to comment on it. I'd start a new thread, but I don't find it tangential at all to the discussion at hand.

 

Since when is invading privacy okay if you suspect dishonesty?

 

Some women are saying, "I respect privacy, but I thought my husband was cheating, so..."

 

Honestly, I don't see how this is okay. I tried to think in my mind, of some articulate explanation of my position, but there was none. As far as "investigational snooping", I don''t see any pragmatism at all, I still find it wrong. The fact that you've claimed your husband IS cheating, to me doesn't make what you did okay. In short, I don't think the ends justify the means. I'll think about this some more, so I can have something actually to say about it, something substantial, but until then, just wanted to get my thoughts out there.

 

jenny?

[TheFaithfulWife]

I must say that I never thought I would have to stoop to reading my husbands mail but If I had not read it we would not be back together today.

I was able to view myself from his perspective and see where I could make changes.

 

Also if we had continued on and had gotten a divorce, I would have not known what happened to all the money he had pulled from our accounts ( He opened a joint account with the OW) We are talking over 300.000 dollars that I would have been told was used to cover expenses.

 

I would also have not found out that he and the OW had planned to prove that I was an incompetent mother by setting me up to look bad. They had planned to have me sent up on a 72 hour mental health hold. It was the OW's idea and she had told him that if he would'nt do it that she would.

 

What I found out helped me

#1 from losing my children

#2 save my marriage

#3 realize that he was being manipulated by the OW and his best friend into this whole scenario. ( the OW and his best friend had been friends for 10 years)

 

If I had it to do all over again would I do it?

Yes, I was able to confront him with what I found and I was able to see how he was being manipulated

 

Think of it this way

If you had a friend who was hoarding guns suddenly, had a map of a local high school and was acting odd. Would you even think about reading his email to see if he had something terrible planned?

Or would you just turn him into the police and hope you were wrong?

 

The Faithful WIFE

[UCFKevin]

I'll be honest, there was a point where I really wanted to get into my ex's account to see what she was saying about us or if she was talking to another guy, and it was then that I realized I was losing my friggin' mind and needed to find myself and not let myself become what I was eventually becoming.

[jenny]

first, i think your situation is unusual. second, i don't see it as entirely positive that a man this weak-willed got to remain your husband. what happened to you sucks, and you have my empathy, but i don't think it's a representative sample of this phenomena.

 

i am very nervous about using this train of thought (i am suspicious; i seek to prove my theory deductively but not responsibly) to justify invasions of privacy. i think suspicions should be founded on more than circumstantial evidence, and even then, i am equally nervous about acting as 'the law' in a relationship that is, in my view, ideally equal and without a parental figure. the law, at least, has a number of safeguards to ensure that civil liberties are protected; i think it behooves us to respect our SOs even more than the law does.

 

what can you hope to accomplish by snooping and is it worth the risk? let's boil it down:

 

potential evidence of SOs misdeeds < concern about being a respectful girlfriend and protecting my own privacy by not creating a surveillance culture.

 

the math is easy for me. one side of the equation is always negative, and possibly non-existent, while the other is positive.

 

for example, my SO might have weapons of mass pornography stashed in his desk - i have a certain amount of circumstantial evidence to suggest that he does, but it's a huge leap from that to assuming i have the right and authority to pry - and i don't know why i even would want to. i want to be on the right side of the equation as often as possible.

 

finally, the thinking process is flawed because it is monologic. i would be undertaking a premise, a theory, and reaching conclusions without ever communicating with the human subject of the study.

 

 

*p.s. a friend of mine has a funny and stupid bumper sticker slogan on this: giving a man your booty does not presume your right to search his.

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by TheFaithfulWife

Think of it this way

If you had a friend who was hoarding guns suddenly, had a map of a local high school and was acting odd. Would you even think about reading his email to see if he had something terrible planned?

Or would you just turn him into the police and hope you were wrong?

 

At first I thought you were agreeing with me, but now I realize that there are people who actually think as you do. OF COURSE I'd turn him into the police! Why would I read his e-mail, to get some juicy details for the National Enquirer? If someone was hoarding guns and displayed desires to shoot up my high school, I'd contact the authorities, not read his e-mail.

 

Reading his e-mail would be breaking the law, and anything I uncovered would likely be thrown out of court, depending on the skill of his attorney. If I turned him into the police, they could get a warrant, and they could uncover anything that I might not have even extrapolated from the context of his e-mail. The ends still don't justify the means, and YES, I see the analogy to the relationship issue, and YES, I still maintain my feelings.

 

I find communication better than substantiation, especially if I'm in love with the person. In terms of privacy, I'd rather be right than correct.

[moimeme]

It's a different story when the stories you're being told don't add up, and you've got a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach that your partner is not being quite honest. Yes, sometimes these feelings can be unreasonable and caused by one's own insecurity or jealousy, but other times it is your gut telling you something.

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by moimeme

Yes, sometimes these feelings can be unreasonable and caused by one's own insecurity or jealousy, but other times it is your gut telling you something.

 

If my gut is telling me to invade privacy, I think I need some Moral Pepto Bismol. I think that even if I was being cheated on, it wouldn't justify equally unscrupulous acts on my behalf. If there was a lack of trust that led to me OBSESSING over a CRAPLOAD of evidence that leads me to believe I'm a doormat, I think I'd kiss the relationship goodbye. With cheating, at least to me, it's not the issue of whether it happened, rather how it affects you. If I'm getting the same detrimental effect as if I'd been cheated on, without any evidence to prove it, I'd still be equally distressed than if I had proof. Therefore, no invasion of privacy is neccessary, and I wouldn't do it.

[jenny]

what do you do when that happens? if you talk to him, and he continues to lie, i agree that would be frustrating. and, if money is being wasted, i agree the situation is more exigent still.

 

it's a challenging question; it's easy for me to say it's never justified, but what would i do instead?

 

i guess at that point i would go to a counsellor first, and consult a lawyer. i might leave him, because i can't tolerate myself when i feel distrutful and insecure. it's not a good relationship for me if i need to snoop.

 

*it's straight ethics for me. i don't think snooping is wrong per se, i think it's wrong for me, and something i never want to happen to me again, ergo i must consistenly fulfill my side of that social contract. i feel compelled to speak about it because it seems to me that many people don't even consider it as a possible ethical issue in a relationship, and also to reinforce it as a value in myself.

[DerangedAngel]

So if you have found out (not by snooping, by being confronted by someone, possibly your SO) that your SO had cheated, do you feel it is an invasion of privacy to make sure the contact with the OW/OM has ended? That is of course assuming they still wanted to have a go at making your relationship work.

 

After I found out my boyfriend had cheated, he *let* me call him at random times to "check" on him and have access to his phone records, if I wanted. In the case that you have been cheated on, and feel the need to make sure they are making an effort to move forward with things - I feel that if they won't let you "check" on them, they surely have something to hide.

 

-Deranged

[niko1999]

I do value his privacy, and dont feel like he is actually HIDING anything from me, like cheating on me or something. I think its just becuase of the fact taht I CANT, that makes me want to? Not to invade his privacy, like I said, just morbid curiousity. Becuase e-mails are personal, ya know? And SOMETIMES I feel like he isnt telling me everything, like how he feels, we have pretty good communication for the most part. I luckily have not been cheated on, and luckily have no reason to honestly suspect I have, I just have a bit of a jealousy bone in me:) But there is no reason for me to feel like I have to check his email and check up on him. It just comes down to morbid curiousity, and seeing what I am unable. Like I said, its like having to push the button that says 'dont push' Now if actually GIVEN the chance, like I said, I would, i.e, he says I can. Aw well.

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by niko1999

It just comes down to morbid curiousity, and seeing what I am unable.

 

mor·bid ( P ) Pronunciation Key (môrbd)

adj.

 

Of, relating to, or caused by disease; pathological or diseased.

Psychologically unhealthy or unwholesome: “He suffered much from a morbid acuteness of the senses” (Edgar Allan Poe).

Characterized by preoccupation with unwholesome thoughts or feelings: read the account of the murder with a morbid interest.

Gruesome; grisly.

 

Relate the definition of the word you constantly use to the effects your curiosity would have on your relationship. Let the dictionary be your guide...

 

 

Originally posted by DerangedAngel

So if you have found out (not by snooping, by being confronted by someone, possible your SO) that your SO had cheated, do you feel it is an invasion of privacy to make sure the contact with the OW/OM has ended?

 

No, I think that if I found out my SO had cheated, I'd make a choice to work on the relationship or not. If they couldn't assure me that they were not cheating, or wouldn't back out of an obvious lie, I would leave the relationship. Whether or not it actually happened is inconsequential to me, because the EFFECT that *proven* cheating would have between us is the same EFFECT that *damn-near-sure* cheating would have on us. I'm a lover, not a cop.

 

I feel that if they won't let you "check" on them, they surely have something to hide.

 

As pretty and nice as you are, I don't think we could be in a relationship with that attitude. It's the attitude that the Nazi's instilled on Germany, if you have nothing to hide, you won't mind _____. I think it's a nice gesture of your boyfriend to make you feel secure, but to say that you SURELY have something to hide if you don't want to be "checked" on is unsettling, to say the very least.

 

A while back my school tried to get me to take a drug test, randomly. I asked them if they had any suspicion. They said no, it was random, and mandatory. I've never taken drugs in my life, but whether I had or hadn't was private. They threatened to call my parents, I dared them, and they dropped it. My arm is still needle-free, my hair remains attached to my head, and my urine is flushed after expulsion.

 

I find privacy a healthy element of relationships, not an obstacle. I would hate to think I was treating my SO like a parent, or a Nazi, and I mean no disrespect, but if my girl offered me the oppurtunity to read her e-mail and field her phonecalls, I wouldn't take it, for fear of lowering our relationship to such a status.

[meanon]

I just don't think there are these mythical absolutes that are "magic bullet" rules as to what to do in relationships at all times. Invading privacy is wrong, it should be avoided in relationships, it can be caused by insecurity. However, if you are not an insecure person, your gut tells you he is cheating, you think he is lying to you so you invade privacy once to check it seems ridiculous to me to equate this as "equally unscrupulous" as cheating. No it's not a good relationship if you need to snoop but sometimes because your partner is being dishonest it is the only way to find out the truth.

 

In both cases where I have close friends who snooped it was a one off - they were not being insecure, their partners were cheating and they ended the relationships immediately. They were devastated - the small breach of privacy was as nothing compared to the damage done to them. No one did judge them badly but if they had I think it would have been very unfair in the circumstances.

[DerangedAngel]

I feel that if they won't let you "check" on them, they surely have something to hide.

 

Just to be clear, I meant this only if they had admitted to/or been caught cheating. I think once you make the decision to cheat, you must give up some 'privacy' in order to make sure your SO can get some kind of footing in your relationship. If you're caught screwing your wife's best friend's cousin for example, get random phone calls late at night after she finds out, and frequently go out without her, and you *refuse* to let her check your phone and get angry when she asks where you're going... well, why else would you if you had nothing to hide? We might have to agree to disagree, though.

 

I mean no disrespect, but if my girl offered me the oppurtunity to read her e-mail and field her phonecalls, I wouldn't take it, for fear of lowering our relationship to such a status.

 

This I agree with and respect. Once you begin to do such things, it is like they no longer have a choice* to be loyal/faithful to you if they want to keep you, and it means nothing.

 

*technically they always have a choice... but you get what I'm saying, yeah? Hope so.

 

-Deranged

[dyermaker]

Yeah, I do get what you're saying, I just disagree.

 

You're my buddy, so I won't continue to push my opinions on ya

[DerangedAngel]

Thanks D, heh.