My Married Fiance'

[OFFWIND]

HELLO ALL,

 

Well, my name is Dre, and I would just like your point of view on a particular subject and problem that I have with a woman. I would like your honest opinion and any suggestions that you may have.

 

Well, to begin, I have been with my fiance' for 4 years now. We met in an AOL chat room in 99 while I was in another relationship. Well, that year in December I went to Georgia to see her. Everything was great. She is 2 years older than me. She came to visit me a month later in Texas. Everything was still great. She went back to Georgia for a while and then she stayed with me for over 6 months. Everything was going fine, I received a ROTC scholarship to attend college. She came along with me, and we continued living together. Something came up, and then she had to go back to georgia. A month went by, and I received a phone call from her, and she had something to tell me, but didn't want to tell me. So i persisted that she tell me. She told me that she was raped when she was 16 years old and that she had a child as the byproduct of rape. I accepted that and our relationship continued. She told me that the reason that she had 2 last names was that her mother had remarried and that was what changed her name. One time, we were at my parents house in mississippi, and her mom called and said that she was married and persisted that my girlfriend was married. Of course, my girlfriend denied any such accusations. So, i'm still trusting her, and 3 years after that time period, we are engaged, she is my fiance', she decides to tell me that she is currently married and the divorce will be finalized in the next couple of months. After 3 years, she tells me this. As for me, I have been faithful to this woman. She has been the only woman in my life for the past 4 years. She also told me that she has a weak uterus and that she might not be able to carry a baby full term. That was the reason that she said her husband left her. She was 5 months pregnant, and she couldn't carry the baby anymore. Now, don't get me wrong, I really love this woman with all my heart. But to be honest, this is too much. How can I trust her? She has lied back and forth to me for 4 years.

 

I would like your honest opinion. Would you forgive her if you were me? Should I just leave her out on her own. The reason I'm saying this is because she doesn't have the house she used to live in, doesn't have a car, not a very reliable job, everything is depending on me. I should have told you this earlier, she is currently in Georgia, and I am in Texas. I will be going to officer basic course in Maryland in Feb. I had planned to have our wedding in july 04. You being a young woman may be able to give some insight on why would a woman hide something like this? She told me the reason she lied to me about her rape was because everytime she told a guy she was dating that she had been raped, that they wouldn't want to have anything to do with her and stopped seeing her. And that she didn't want to take a chance with losing me. She also said that her and her husband had been seperated for 6 years, and he just didn't want to have the divorce, you know wouldn't sign the papers. While she was seperated with her husband, I am the 3rd guy that she has had a relationship with.

 

Just give your views on what I have told you. I know it is a lot, but I needed to ask someone who is neutral, you not involved in this matter. Thanks, look forward to hearing from you.

 

Dre.

[dyermaker]

Dre, if that is your real name,

 

No one can make this decision for you. People can say what they'd likely do in your situation, but it would be idealized, contrived, unempathetic. You need to decide if this is someone you can spend the rest of your life with, if you are confident that there will be no more secrets or lies, if you don't want children, if you are patient enough, if you think you are a strong enough man to deal with her issues (RAPED, Miscarried, Abandoned--ISSUES! Expect frequent therapy if you want a healthy relationship)--And It's an honestly difficult situation.

 

Because if you can't deal with it, you're not being selfish, you're being honest. It's a lot. This girl has had a lot of pain, and you don't know (no one knows) how the damage she's taken will manifest itself in your relationship. But you do owe it to her to make your decision, and when you do, make it for YOU, not for her.

 

God Bless.

[flannelpajamas]

I think you might already know in your heart what the best choice is. I can see both sides. I know that there may be many people who will tell you not to marry this woman because of such a huge deception. But at the same time I can understand that she was/is in a lot of pain that led her to deceive you. But three years living a lie....that's an awfully long time.

Do you have to make a decision right away? Could you tell her that all this information has really blown your mind and you're not sure what's next? Then maybe you wouldn't be forced to make a choice, the choice would kind of naturally work itself over time. Just a thought.

Good luck. YOu sound like a really intelligent, sensitive person. I know you can work things out for the best no matter what you decide.

[Girlie]

Honestly, like dyermaker said, no one can tell you what to do, obviously. Perhaps, like flannel suggested, you could take some extra time to think this over. This is an awful lot for you to digest. I mean, if I were you, everytime this woman told me she had something to tell me, I'd be thinking "Oh dear God, no!" Trust is so important, and she's kind of trashed yours at this point. She may have very well felt justified doing so, but it doesn't change the fact that this damaged your relationship with her. I don't know that it means the relationship has to end, but the trust would definitely have to be rebuilt. The only suggestion I can offer is time and communication. Take a step back and make sure this is the right decision for you. There's no need to rush into marriage after receiving information like this after having it hid from you for 3 years. I don't know what to tell you other than that--that's what I'd do. I'd give myself some time to digest the information and have some nice long talks with my fiance and then make a decision about the future from there. As for why she did it, I honestly don't know why she would hide something like this. The only thing I can come up with is that perhaps she thought you wouldn't want anything to do with her if you knew and she wasn't willing to take that chance. That's just a guess though, obviously.

[jmargel]

Offwind that would be a huge shock to me. However if he didnt want the divorce, and she was faithful to you for the whole time, then that is what really matters. I was with a girl, who was seperated, waiting for the divorce to finalize. He kept dragging it out & it was four years they were seperated. Granted she shouldnt have lied to you, but I would imagine her punishment was living with these lies for all these years. Perhaps the best thing for both of you is to see a couple's councilor. The most important thing in a relationship is communication. When that lapses, then trust will fall. She needs to be open with you about everything.

 

You seem to have a good head on your shoulders & a big heart. I would believe her reasons on why she didn't tell you earlier.

 

As for having kids, I'm in the same kinda scenario. My gf had a baby that died during birth about 5 years ago. Very traumic experience for her. Even though one day I would like to have child, she is very hestitant about going through that again. Just the way it happened, etc.. I told her I love her for her, and whether we have children or not is not the point. I can't see my life without her. If you feel the same way then you know what to do.

 

All I can say is to talk to her alot about this. If she's willing to listen & understand your feelings and not get defensive then I would say she really cares about you. Let us know how it goes..

[cdn]

To be honest, I can understand being reluctant to tell you about the rape but I have no understanding of why she would lie about being married, especially after her own mother told you she was and you confronted her. At best, it would appear that she has not figured out a healthy way to deal with issues in her life and at worse I would question what other things she may be keeping from you.

 

As the other posters have said, no one can tell you whether to marry this girl or not. This is a decision you will have to come to. I do recommend, however, that you postpone the wedding and spend some time having long, heart-to-heart talks with your gf. Being able to forgive her isn't the isse. It's whether you can and should place your trust in her.

[saintfrancis]

How can I trust her? She has lied back and forth to me for 4 years.

 

I think you've answered your own question here.

 

I think I am about to go against the grain of the other replies, but my *opinion* is that you should not have anything more to do with this girl. I am not saying she is a bad person, obviously she is in a lot of pain and that led her to lie to you. However, YOU asked the question, and so my response is based on what I (as a complete and total stranger! hahaha!) think would be best for YOU. And that is, leave this situation. She may have had no ill intentions whatsoever, but I guarantee you, this is just Act I of what the rest of your life would likely be like with her, unless she gets some serious help. And even if she does, it will be a long, looooong time before she gets better.

 

I don't know you, and maybe you're a jerk, but I am assuming you are NOT, and going on that assumption, you deserve better than this. I know you love her and her situation is tragic, having been raped. There is no arguing that. But she has to work her stuff out on her own. You can't trust her, she has already proven that. (as someone else said, why lie about being married??) You deserve a better relationship with more respect in it than she can give you. It is not your responsibility to make her better.

[animo]

Well, the way i see it, in any long term relationship that works your going to have to set aside your pride and your going to have to take a chance here and there.

 

The real question is. Why do you now feel doubtfull about wether or not you want to be with this women?

 

Is it because you are upset/angry and hurt or is it simply because you are having a change of heart?

 

Just ask yourself 'does this relationship make me happy?' 'Do i make her happy, does she make me happy?'. Do you love eachother? If your happy in your relationship and you both feel the same way then imho you should not lets this come between it. There is always going to be bumps in the road but at the end of the day what really matters is that you make eachother happy and that your both willing to work on any bumps there might be.

 

Personally i have an allround hard time believing that there are any long term relationships tht dont have their 'bumps'. The search for the one true 'soulmate' is just a bedtime storie imho and in most cases your lucky if you can find someone with whom you can have a good relationship with a little work.

 

So my advice would be to talk about this. Try and find out her motives, why she did it and then try to understand. Try to make her comfortable and make her feel that her insecurities are uncalled for (if thats the truth). Work the problem