Financial issues re: moving to bf's place

[Els]

Background: After 2 years of LDR, I'll be going to the bf's country on a working holiday for 6 months soon. Working holiday only enables me to take temp jobs (most often menial labour), and my degree isn't recognizable there til I take my postgrad anyway.

 

I'd like some input on some financial issues if possible. See, we would save about 700+ dollars a month on rent alone if I were to stay with him (as in, share a room with him in a flatshare that has 2 other people living there). The problem is that doing so would involve stepping on quite a few people's toes, including landlord, other tenants, and his relatives - I can't explain the whole situation in detail for privacy reasons. If I were in his shoes, I would have done it without question. However, he really does not want to, and would rather completely finance my rent in the event that I do not get a suitable job or do not make enough for my expenses + rent.

 

Now, 700+ a month takes a HUGE toll on his student budget. To that end, he has been incredibly frugal with his personal expenses in order to ensure that he will have enough to support my rent, to the extent of cooking everyday (sometimes after 16 hours of work), refusing to get himself a bike to cut down on his travel time to work, etc. (This 'work' is unpaid work btw, non-citizen medical interns don't get paid there. He still pays them college fees as he is still officially a 'student').

 

Of course, if I manage to get a great job that I love and is sufficient to pay for my rent + other expenses, then this will be all peachy. We both know this may not be the case however. It will most likely come to the point where I will have to work longer hours than I would like, or take a job that I dislike, to finance the rent. I will definitely be able to finance my other expenses as they will be minimal, as I plan to cook for both of us and just plain NOT buy anything expensive. But the rent is a huge thing.

 

I initially felt guilty about deciding not to take a job that I would dislike or push myself to work more hours than I'd like, and instead let him fork out the $$ in that case. But if I DO, I would most likely be unhappy about having to do so when if I was in his place I would totally have taken him in to stay with me, save the 700+ bucks a month, and to hell with people and their darned toes. When I told him this, he said, "Don't. If we live frugally I can handle it even if you don't work." But then I feel guilty all over again...

 

Thoughts?

[carhill]

Example which might be meaningful. When I was employed and decided to start my own business, my capitalization plan included personal expenses at then current rates projected out one year. IOW, I put enough money aside to live one year without a penny of income, in addition to having the money to start the business. I started the business when I was in my mid 20's.

 

IMO, if you're going to go live there for six months, you have the wherewithall to support yourself for six months. BF's help is a bonus. Job income is a bonus.

 

One solution is to get your own flat and share non-rent expenses with BF and have him live with you. You'd take care of the rent, as he would continue his share of his old flat's rent while 'away', as appropriate. This would give you more time together and you could both be frugal together as well as have more privacy. I call this the 'team' concept.

 

I would make the same suggestion if the locations and roles were reversed. Equality

[Els]

He can't move out. He signed a year-long contract when he moved into that house last Dec.

 

Edit: Uh wait, you mean he should continue renting his? What would the difference be then?

 

Also, I suppose I should mention that our R, especially with both of us being Asian, is slightly more 'traditional' than the typical American one. He takes great pride in his role as the man and 'provider', always insisted on paying for dates, taking care of me, etc. In the same dynamic, I always allow him to lead, understand and defer to his male ego, plan to cook and clean for him when I am there, will follow in traditions such as taking his name should we get married in the future, etc. Also, I am moving for his career, and not he for mine.

Edited June 8, 2010 by Elswyth

[carhill]

Edit: Uh wait, you mean he should continue renting his? What would the difference be then?

 

The difference would be freedom, on both ends. Freedom to be together, privately, and freedom to be apart, separately. To me it's well worth the expense.

[Els]

I mean, I don't understand how it is a different solution from the first option I mentioned in my OP.

[carhill]

The difference would be that you would be in-country autonomously, with no outside means of support. No actual or implied impact on his student budget. Kind of like when I went to the FSU, where I had to show means (money) and a return plane ticket to get into the country, besides all the government paperwork. My sponsors were not actually or implicitly impacted financially, but were generous beyond the pale, much like I'd expect your BF to be.

 

IIUC, your BF might be 'insulted' if you made such a suggestion because, culturally, it's his job to take care of you when you're in-country. Is that right? Any compromise available?

 

My focus would be on setting up living arrangements which maximised your 'getting to know him better'. I assume that's the purpose of your visit, amongst other, lesser reasons. Opinion?

[Spiritofnow]

Hey, Elswyth,

 

Okay, I am going to ask you a question and reflect back to you what I am hearing: are you actually looking for practical advise here or is there more? I dunno, but when I read your words I sense that you are holding back on a feeling you have? Perhaps, I am just picking up that you are rightly feeling a little nervous about your impending move? There are a few things that you have said that make me think that you are not 100% happy with some of your bf choices? And, maybe there is more than that?

 

I could be way off, and please do not worry about telling me to sod off if I am : ) As I said it's just a feeling.

[Els]

The difference would be that you would be in-country autonomously, with no outside means of support. No actual or implied impact on his student budget. Kind of like when I went to the FSU, where I had to show means (money) and a return plane ticket to get into the country, besides all the government paperwork. My sponsors were not actually or implicitly impacted financially, but were generous beyond the pale, much like I'd expect your BF to be.

 

Oh, carhill, you boggle me. Maybe my OP wasn't clear enough.

 

1) Option 1, work sufficient hours to pay off my rent + expenses even if I dislike the work - possibly resent him because I would not have needed to had it been me instead of him with the ability to house me in his room.

 

2) Option 2, work only to pay off my other expenses as a minimum, unless I enjoy the work. Will not resent him, will stop bugging him about possible alternatives to save rent money, but that might be rather unfair to him and he may feel burdened even though he says he doesn't mind.

 

Your suggestion was equivalent to Option 1, correct?

 

IIUC, your BF might be 'insulted' if you made such a suggestion because, culturally, it's his job to take care of you when you're in-country. Is that right? Any compromise available?

He does feel it is his duty to take care of me, but I don't think he would be insulted by suggestions. He WILL be annoyed if I keep bugging him about possible alternatives that I would have done in his place to save rent though. To him it's more of, "I've already said I'll pay for it, which solves the problem, why are you still going on at it?"

 

As for the compromise, I'm not sure about that. Might be able to come up with one if I get more thoughts about the pros and cons of each option as well as what is usually expected of each partner in such circumstances.

 

My focus would be on setting up living arrangements which maximised your 'getting to know him better'. I assume that's the purpose of your visit, amongst other, lesser reasons. Opinion?

Correct, but not to the exclusion of all other considerations. The perfect solution for this purpose would be for both of us to rent a 2-room apartment or studio apartments in the same neighbourhood - that way both of us would be able to spend maximal time together while maintaining privacy and personal space. Due to his bonded contract and the price of such apartments though, that is NOT financially possible.

[Els]

Hey, Elswyth,

 

Okay, I am going to ask you a question and reflect back to you what I am hearing: are you actually looking for practical advise here or is there more? I dunno, but when I read your words I sense that you are holding back on a feeling you have? Perhaps, I am just picking up that you are rightly feeling a little nervous about your impending move? There are a few things that you have said that make me think that you are not 100% happy with some of your bf choices? And, maybe there is more than that?

 

I could be way off, and please do not worry about telling me to sod off if I am : ) As I said it's just a feeling.

 

Hey, kindred spirit!

 

Hmm, half right and half wrong. To reiterate, I'm trying to come up the pros and cons of each option as well as what is usually expected of each partner in such circumstances. Trying to find out which option I should take and why.

 

You are however correct in that I would have made different choices if I were him. However, if he is willing to take full responsibility for his choices and not have them impact me negatively, do I really have the right to complain? That's also what I've been wondering.

 

I am a little nervous, but certainly not as much as I would have been if I had been going there for the sole purpose of being with him. It helps that his country is one that I've always wanted to visit on vacation - so no matter how arrangements get screwed up, I'm pretty sure I'll enjoy my time there.

[StarrySkyBlue]

Do try to get office work! It's a lot less physically taxing and it pays a lot more. Filing stuff or doing data-entry all day might be tedious, but I'm sure it's better than mopping floors or waiting tables. (And if I'm not mistaken, if you work full-time, doing the most basic office work, you'll get around 1,200 USD a month)

 

Sorry I can't help much, but good luck!

[Spiritofnow]

Hey, kindred.

 

Did you find a solutuion?

 

I guess the reason I sensed there was more in your posts to this thread is because you seemed reluctant to settle on an idea - sometimes when we are unsure of things we can create bigger problems than actually exist in reality as a manifestation of the subconscious feelings we have. I am not dismissing or minimising how you feel I was just reading between the lines a little.

 

So where are you up to?

[Els]

I have simply decided to go there and see how things are instead of creating unnecessary worry trying to plan things which I don't even know much about yet, not having been there and in the work culture. Perhaps I really will get that job that I like so much that I don't even mind paying all the extra rent. And if I don't, well, it is then that I'll decide.

[Spiritofnow]

Exactly!!!!! I am so glad you have decided on that - one of my favourite philosopher's - Epictetus says that we should not concentrate on the things that we cannot control and only on those which we can - seems like that is where you are. Yay!!! You can't control all the variables, because there is always going to be an element of risk. When you get there you will be able to make more informed choices.

 

Good for you ; )

 

Enjoy the journey it will be exciting!!!!!

[Els]

Yeah!! :) I just spent the last hour looking through photos of lots of attractions there and have a whole list of places I wanna see now! Plus I'd love to try skiing/snowboarding, never had a chance before! Heard it's difficult though, especially for scaredy cats like me who scream like a little girl while taking slides at a water amusement park.