calithin83 Posted January 29, 2004 Share Posted January 29, 2004 Hi Im 20 years old soon 21 on july, my parents have given me a curfew of 10pm and either way they stil get mad if i come at that time, like today i left at 9am and came til9pm, my mom was mad cos i didnt tell her where i was going, but Ihave a cell phone and she can call me but she just doesnt. It annoys me cos i feel like i cant go out and not worry about them being mad, also this weekedn i wanna go with my bf to fresno to visit his dad from Fri-Sun, but i dunno how to ask my parents to let me go because i feel that they wont let me go. They let me go once, but then the 2nd time i tried they didnt want me to go and its just cos they fear that i might have sex with my bf, which i dunno why theyre tripping cos thats my choice and ive been with my bf for three years and we've done it already they just DONT KNOW and cos theyd go crazy if they did..so basically what should i do to help them understand, they think im asking too much , am i really??? IM 20!!! cmon now, gimme a break, ive never even been to a club cos of my curfew problem, i really wanna go this weekend, do u guys think theres anyway i can make my parents to just LET ME GO!!! Thanxz for feedbback!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted January 29, 2004 Share Posted January 29, 2004 You're 20. It's time for you to get a job and move out of the house. You won't have that problem anymore once you do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author calithin83 Posted January 29, 2004 Author Share Posted January 29, 2004 i cant move out cos if i move out and have a job how am i going to go to college ??? im planning to transfer on fall 2004 and imma need my parents financial help....i think my education is important... cos to move out and get a job id probably have to work full time and that wouldnt leave any room for school. i dont wanna luive life working and not having got a degree, that be dumb Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted January 29, 2004 Share Posted January 29, 2004 I'm not telling you what to do, kid. You asked for advice, you got it. You've got a choice. Take your parents' money at the expense of your own freedom to live your own life, allowing them to manipulate you and impeding your own growth as a woman.... ...or, you can take steps to wrest control of your life from them. Get a part-time job, find out what you have to do to apply for financial aid, and then start paying for school yourself. I understand that option B is expensive. I was fortunate in that my parents paid for my basic tuition charges and they gave me a car for my own use - most people don't have that luxury. Still, I paid for a fair share of my own things in my university years, such as my rent and living expenses, and I paid for my own books too (which weren't cheap). Other people have to pay for it all. It's hard, but they do it. The choice is yours. Link to post Share on other sites
Author calithin83 Posted January 29, 2004 Author Share Posted January 29, 2004 i suppose, isnt there just a Way to convince them to gimme more freedom and trust? Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted January 29, 2004 Share Posted January 29, 2004 Neither freedom nor trust are given. Freedom is, to a great extent, something you have to give to yourself; trust is earned. You haven't yet given yourself the opportunity to be free; as for trust, don't take offense, but I don't know you well enough to know whether or not you've done enough to earn your parents' trust. If I were your father, I, too, would impose certain regulations on your comings and goings, simply because as long as you live in someone else's home, you're subject to their rules, not your own. I happen to think that 10pm is rather early for a curfew myself, but that's just me. Bear in mind that as parents, they probably feel compelled to worry about you and your wellbeing (as any good parent would, regardless of age). They probably would prefer to go to sleep after you have safely arrived home, so that's understandable. Some parents may act differently (mine were more lenient) But that's something that's completely at their discretion. On the issue of visiting your boyfriend, you say that visiting him and having sex with him is your choice. Well, look at it from their point of view. They have a 20 year-old daughter who still can't support herself financially. Do they want to risk having to pay for a grandchild, too? I know where you're coming from, but try to see things from their point of view too. I'm not necessarily saying I agree with them or that I'm taking their side- just that they may have their own reasons for doing what they do, and as long as you're living under their roof, they write the rules - not you. Link to post Share on other sites
spencer Posted February 7, 2004 Share Posted February 7, 2004 calithin83 Tell your folks you want to live on campus. You'll get freedom and college. or The other thing you can try, is tell them you are moving out, get some roomates, find a place. When they ask why, say simply I'm leaving because the rules of house aren't acceptable to me as an adult, and I understand that i'll have to forgo college for awhile, but your stifling my growth as an adult. A curfew at 20 -ridiculous. you have to stand up for yourself and be willing to have all support cut off. go for it. Their betting that college is important to you, I'll bet its more important to them that you go. But tell them that its not worth the price you have to pay to live with them. Bluff. Mabye they will still pay for college. Link to post Share on other sites
cecelia Posted February 7, 2004 Share Posted February 7, 2004 It is only human nature to resist structure. You have so much going for you and it sounds to me like your relationship with your parents is one of the best ones. Take advantage of your greatest resource, alot of young people dont have parents who can or will support them. You wont miss out on anything by learning some good habits now. Link to post Share on other sites
spencer Posted February 7, 2004 Share Posted February 7, 2004 the other thing you can do is start ignoring their curfew and demands. this will lead to several fights, but tell them their overprotective behavior has got to stop. in otherwords push their bondaries till they throw you out of the house. this is quite childish and i would only recommend it as a last resort. go see a therapist and do some family counseling he/she may be able to help you parents with their "letting go" issues. Ask them things like what their fears are about you staying out after 10. i mean your drug dealer doesn't like to be called after 9pm anyway, and the group orgy always starts at 7pm. What awful catastrophy will happen if you go to Fresno, I have heard that people actually have gone to Fresno and returned. Come on its not Roswell. Im just trying to be funny, sorry this wasn't any help at all. good luck Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted February 7, 2004 Share Posted February 7, 2004 I would agree that your parents are being overprotective, but that's just my opinion; the fact is...it's THEIR house you live in. They pay for the house note and the bills, not you. When you live in your own house, you can do what you wish, but if it gives them peace of mind for them to make sure you're home safe and secure, then that's the price you pay for mooching off of mom and dad. That doesn't mean you don't have a right to address your concerns about this. As an adult, you do have the right to do that. Just don't be surprised if they don't budge an inch. What I would try to do is to sit down and have a face-to-face with them and, to the extent you can, have a calm, cool, rational discussion on this. It's better if you just ask a lot of questions first and listen to what they're saying, rather than demanding rights. Once you've had a chance to let them say whatever it is they're going to say, then you can start asking the important questions like "Don't you think it's time that I start getting a good feel for setting my own boundaries as an adult?" I don't think it should ever be this way. I was fortunate in that my parents were both financially capable of giving me support for my studies while at the same time trusting enough to let me make my own decisions in life. It helped me become a smarter, more mature man. Link to post Share on other sites
carla Posted February 7, 2004 Share Posted February 7, 2004 Very good advise amerikajin! Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted February 7, 2004 Share Posted February 7, 2004 How about handling this more like an adult? It seems that your parents would give you more freedom if they could be sure of trusting you. So why not call them and let them know where you are once a day, say. Negotiate with them over this, and make it a rational discussion of the needs and desires of both parties. As far as clubs go...if you went with a group of friends including several nice girls that they know and trust, would they allow it? Ask them what would make it acceptable and how you can structure it. Maybe they could even check out the club ahead of time. As far as the weekend visits go...do they trust your boyfriend's father to act as chaperone? The fact is that under their roof, they make the rules. If you want a lot more freedom, you will need to be out on your own. What are you using for birth control, if I may ask? Link to post Share on other sites
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