Am I kidding myself?

[califnan]

I couldn't do years of it, I'm not cut out for this sort of thing, it doesn't sit well with me.

I think there must be a reasonable amount of time for him to think about what he wants and then I will know where I stand once and for all. I think if I had a bit more backbone I would step away and tell him to come and see me if he decides he wants to do things properly, but I'm not convinced I'd stick to it.

I do believe that it hasn't happened before, for the simple reason that I think he knows I have a past is the past policy and it wouldn't have made any difference.

 

--------------------

 

Best to follow your instinct before anything starts .. and tell him to contact you if his marriage ends..

 

While an OW can think she is setting a record for being able to pry him loose .. brand new sex usually just means he will wish to keep both the OW and W happy and shut up ... until one or both of them cannot take it anymore..

[fooled once]

Thanks for all your comments. I've never been in this situation before and it isn't something I'm proud of or planned. If I didn't genuinely think there was potentially something really special there I wouldn't have got into it at all. I suppose I wondered if anyone had been through anything similar and how that turned out.

We've both said a couple of times that maybe we should go back to how things used to be and meant it at the time, but it hasn't lasted.

I do feel some empathy with his wife and I don't want to come across as cold hearted, but it can be hard because I've never met her.

As for the age thing I am 27 and he is 45. I know it sounds quite a lot, but we have an awful lot in common and were very close friends before any of this. He also is well aware that I can be somewhat emotional and there have already been quite a few upsets.

The work thing isn't too much of an issue because we see each other at work by choice and wouldn't have to have anything to do with each other if we didn't want to.

 

This is a very common theme with many OW.

 

You are very young compared to his 47. He has lived a lot more than you and really, you don't have 'that' much in common. For instance, you haven't been married for 25+ years. You have barely been alive 25 years. He and his wife have been through MUCH MORE than you and he in the few months you have been carrying on and having an affair.

 

But, because you are young, and most likely have stars in your eyes that this 'older' guy takes a shine to you. It is a huge ego boost to you. You are flattered that this guy - who has been married 25 years - has singled you out from the other pretty available women in the office. It makes your stomach flip flop, it gives you an extra spring in your step, it makes you feel good to be the "chosen" one.

 

I'm not sure I am 'full of myself'. I do know for a fact there are several other women at work who have made it pretty clear they are interested, some before I even worked there, so what I am questioning is if he is just after an affair, why not pick one of them? I'm not trying to suggest that I am better than them, just that perhaps it is a bit more meaningful. They are attractive and I know that at least one of them would be more than happy with a 'bit on the side' if you like. Uncomplicated, hassle free, isn't that ideal if that is the case.

 

He has no children and money is not an issue, both for reasons I won't go into.

 

In a relationship in 'normal' circumstances I wouldn't be asking someone to make huge life changes after a couple of months, without at least giving them ample time to consider it, so I suppose it is more a case of my expectations than his.

 

Could I ask jwi71, if you don't object, if you have been in this type of situation? I am interested in everyone's comments and I wondered where you were coming from. And no, I don't have any self esteem issues, but I think you have misunderstood me, I am not suggesting that I am superior to anyone else, I just think some people fit well together and we seem to.

 

he has no kids holding him to his wife. Yet, he has chosen to cheat vs divorce. Interesting. Shows a bit of his moral character, doesn't it? Shows he isn't that upstanding of a guy, at least to me. Shows me he has little respect for not only his marriage, but his wife.

 

And you are 'expecting' him to drop all of his past, the wife, the home they built, the life they built after ... a few weeks ... to start up with you? You barely know him! Sure, you are all excited about this older guy picking you -- and now throw in the excitement of sneaking around and having this love affair with this guy. Does it ever occur to you that if he was going to leave his wife, he already would have? Does it ever occur to you that he is playing with you? Does it ever occur to you that he HAS done this before (most men don't announce or brag about all the affairs they have -- it takes away from the 'poor guy' image they need to portray to ensnare his newest conquest).

 

Do you have any idea how long it can take to untangle 25 years of a marriage? It can take years. Are you ready for that?

 

I couldn't do years of it, I'm not cut out for this sort of thing, it doesn't sit well with me.

I think there must be a reasonable amount of time for him to think about what he wants and then I will know where I stand once and for all. I think if I had a bit more backbone I would step away and tell him to come and see me if he decides he wants to do things properly, but I'm not convinced I'd stick to it.

I do believe that it hasn't happened before, for the simple reason that I think he knows I have a past is the past policy and it wouldn't have made any difference.

 

I see you 'say' you couldn't do it years, but if the carrot of "one day we will be together" is dangled in front of you, I bet you could and would. I bet before you got involved with him (and I thank you for NOT saying "it just happened" because affairs don't just happen) you never would have guessed you would be involved with someone who cheats on their spouse, betrays their wedding vows and sneaks around with someone 15+ years younger than them.

 

Hmmm....... wait. You said he is 47 and he has been with his wife (married 25 years) since they were teenagers ... so let's say they were 19 -- that means they have been together for 28 years!!! WOW .... real nice guy here

 

If you REALLY think you have something with this guy, and you are okay with being a co-conspirator in someone hurting their wife of 25 years and throwing away more than 25 years of his past, then TELL HIM to contact you when/if he is DIVORCED. Not separated, not 'going to tell his wife' - but signed, sealed and court filed/stamped papers. Don't become involved in his 'divorce'. Don't allow yourself to be known as the homewrecker. Don't allow him to drag you through it all and don't allow him to ever be able to say "I did this for YOU". Because if he does, he will come to regret you for it! Especially if he DOES get a divorce and then you two don't work out - he would have thrown away a 28 year relationship and he will blame you for pushing him, etc.

 

And it will get around work - you will be known as "that girl". It always comes out. Do you want your boss to know? Do you want your co-workers to know? He could file harassment against you IF his wife finds out (prior to him being honest with her about what he is doing behind her back) and she calls the HR department, and he freaks and says it was YOU all along pursing him, calling him, etc....

 

And make no bones - the wife will find out. Considering she has been around the family for longer than you have been alive, I would bet they aren't keen on having you join the family. If he has money, they will want a pre-nup (as would he) -- that is, depending on what is left after his wife gets her share.

 

All in all - IMHO - this is a stupid idea. There has to be single men you could date.

 

This isn't fun and games. This is people's lives. This is people's futures. Are you really willing to gamble on something that has gone on for a few weeks to ruin so many people's lives? If he was such an upstanding guy, he would NOT be involved with you while married. Sorry, many won't agree, but that is my view. If you really rock his world, he would want to court you properly. He would want to date you. But he can't date you - cause he is MARRIED. Is it fair what he is doing to his wife? Sneaking around behind her back? Exposing her to STD's? Deciding HER life for her by NOT being honest with her that he has decided to cheat. Or is he just testing the waters with you? Is he just playing with your emotions and feelings?

 

Only way to find out? Tell him to call you after he is divorced.

 

Lastly - please don't pretend to care about his wife and her feelings. If you cared about her (as a fellow human) you wouldn't be playing around with her husband behind her back.

[Fieldsofgold]

Thanks for all your comments. I've never been in this situation before and it isn't something I'm proud of or planned. If I didn't genuinely think there was potentially something really special there I wouldn't have got into it at all. I suppose I wondered if anyone had been through anything similar and how that turned out.

We've both said a couple of times that maybe we should go back to how things used to be and meant it at the time, but it hasn't lasted.

I do feel some empathy with his wife and I don't want to come across as cold hearted, but it can be hard because I've never met her.

As for the age thing I am 27 and he is 45. I know it sounds quite a lot, but we have an awful lot in common and were very close friends before any of this. He also is well aware that I can be somewhat emotional and there have already been quite a few upsets.

The work thing isn't too much of an issue because we see each other at work by choice and wouldn't have to have anything to do with each other if we didn't want to.

 

I think it is safe to say that EVERYONE who gets into a love affair with a MP (not just a bit on the side) feels that it is very special. It is not uncommon for the AP to feel that the MP is their soulmate, that they have somethig so special they don't think they could find it with anyone else. I think that us pretty COMMON in an affair. That's what makes the AP go through he'll and back for the MP, and that's what leaves them feeling so devastated and betrayed and confused when it is over.

 

Once again, to go forward with the affair is just looking for heartache. Even one here who married her MM said that it was not an easy path -- and I believe her MP's marriage circumstances were far different than your MM's.

[StoptheDrama]

Hi to all members,

I have been reading this forum for a a while now and need some advice. My situation seems quite different to a lot of what I read and I am struggling a little.

 

I have been involved with a MM for a couple of months. We have been friends and worked together for 3 years. We hit it off immediately, but it is only recently I thought I might have feelings for him. To be honest I never imagined we would ever be more than good friends, if you had asked anyone who knows him they would say he was just not that sort of person. He has been with his wife since they were teenagers (together for over 25 years) and has not had affairs before, despite countless offers (I can think of a lot of women at work who are pretty smitten with him for starters).

He doesn't tell me that he has a bad home life or makes lots of promises about the future. He says (and seems) pretty scared and unsure about what is going to happen. He has hinted that he loves me, but feels unready to say it and that he doesn't know what to do.

I am finding this tough, but at the same time I don't think it is fair to ask someone to just pack up and leave after a few weeks. There is a fair age gap between us and I get the impression that he has a worry he couldn't hang on to me if we were together.

Any thoughts?

 

lilbunny - as several others have indicated, there appears to be little to nothing unique about your situation. Many if not most OW never imagine they'd be more than 'friends' with their MM. With regard to the bolded part above, anyone at work or in our community would say the exact same thing about my xMM. Read some of my posts and you'll quickly discover he is not the good guy, the family man he presents to the world.

 

That being said, what in particular are you seeking advice on?

[norajane]

We have been friends and worked together for 3 years. We hit it off immediately, but it is only recently I thought I might have feelings for him. To be honest I never imagined we would ever be more than good friends,

Ask yourself why, suddenly, now, after all this time, you've developed feelings for him.

 

Why are you so vulnerable to this now?

 

Did you have a recent break-up? Are you feeling lonely for some reason?

 

What's going on with you now that makes an affair seem like your best option when you wouldn't go near it before? Why is it so hard for you to walk away now, when you wouldn't even consider a short 2 months ago? What has changed that has made you so vulnerable and willing to accept less than a full relationship? Why are you suddenly ok with sharing a man who is having sex with his wife, whom he goes home to every night? Why do you suddenly need him so much?

Edited June 9, 2010 by norajane

[whichwayisup]

You are a breath of fresh air for him. Not to minimize what he feels for you, but ...

 

He has been with his wife since they were teenagers (together for over 25 years)

 

A less than 4 month affair isn't enough to woo him away from what he has with his wife and all that history.

 

If you chose to stay, be prepared for alot of pain and heartache. Be prepared to change who you are, settle for seeing him on HIS terms, his time frame. You won't be able to introduce him proudly in your life to friends and family. Do you want children of your own one day? Chances of him dumping 25 years + of history with his wife, to be with you and start over are really slim.

 

Good luck and I hope you gain the strength to tell him goodbye.

[Brokenlady]

Thanks brokenlady and everyone else. I didn't think anyone would reply at all!

I suppose I got the impression that quite a lot of OW were given all of the 'my wife doesn't understand me, my marriage is dead etc' speeches and given ever shifting dates when they would leave their wives and were under the impression this was definitely going to happen at some point.

I am just in a place where I have no idea. I know that is better than a load of false promises to keep me quiet, something he could be doing because it isn't like we don't talk about things, but uncertainty isn't really a strong point.

 

LB, it started like that for me too. Early on, I thought tomyself, how can I ask someone to leave a 20 year relationship when we have been together only 8 months. So I waited. 6 months later I asked him if he would ever leave. He said at first he didn't want to but he was by then questioning it, so he said: "I don't know". That seemed like a maybe, so I waited some more. Then I got tired and went on a date with someone else. Suddenly then he was sure he would leave. He'd leave after Christmas. The Christmas came and went, and so did New Years, Valentines day, etc.

 

The empty promises and date shifting comes later LB. It will happen if you stick around. Dont do that to yourself.

[Mimolicious]

This is a very common theme with many OW.

 

You are very young compared to his 47. He has lived a lot more than you and really, you don't have 'that' much in common. For instance, you haven't been married for 25+ years. You have barely been alive 25 years. He and his wife have been through MUCH MORE than you and he in the few months you have been carrying on and having an affair.

 

But, because you are young, and most likely have stars in your eyes that this 'older' guy takes a shine to you. It is a huge ego boost to you. You are flattered that this guy - who has been married 25 years - has singled you out from the other pretty available women in the office. It makes your stomach flip flop, it gives you an extra spring in your step, it makes you feel good to be the "chosen" one.

 

 

 

he has no kids holding him to his wife. Yet, he has chosen to cheat vs divorce. Interesting. Shows a bit of his moral character, doesn't it? Shows he isn't that upstanding of a guy, at least to me. Shows me he has little respect for not only his marriage, but his wife.

 

And you are 'expecting' him to drop all of his past, the wife, the home they built, the life they built after ... a few weeks ... to start up with you? You barely know him! Sure, you are all excited about this older guy picking you -- and now throw in the excitement of sneaking around and having this love affair with this guy. Does it ever occur to you that if he was going to leave his wife, he already would have? Does it ever occur to you that he is playing with you? Does it ever occur to you that he HAS done this before (most men don't announce or brag about all the affairs they have -- it takes away from the 'poor guy' image they need to portray to ensnare his newest conquest).

 

Do you have any idea how long it can take to untangle 25 years of a marriage? It can take years. Are you ready for that?

 

 

 

I see you 'say' you couldn't do it years, but if the carrot of "one day we will be together" is dangled in front of you, I bet you could and would. I bet before you got involved with him (and I thank you for NOT saying "it just happened" because affairs don't just happen) you never would have guessed you would be involved with someone who cheats on their spouse, betrays their wedding vows and sneaks around with someone 15+ years younger than them.

 

Hmmm....... wait. You said he is 47 and he has been with his wife (married 25 years) since they were teenagers ... so let's say they were 19 -- that means they have been together for 28 years!!! WOW .... real nice guy here

 

If you REALLY think you have something with this guy, and you are okay with being a co-conspirator in someone hurting their wife of 25 years and throwing away more than 25 years of his past, then TELL HIM to contact you when/if he is DIVORCED. Not separated, not 'going to tell his wife' - but signed, sealed and court filed/stamped papers. Don't become involved in his 'divorce'. Don't allow yourself to be known as the homewrecker. Don't allow him to drag you through it all and don't allow him to ever be able to say "I did this for YOU". Because if he does, he will come to regret you for it! Especially if he DOES get a divorce and then you two don't work out - he would have thrown away a 28 year relationship and he will blame you for pushing him, etc.

 

And it will get around work - you will be known as "that girl". It always comes out. Do you want your boss to know? Do you want your co-workers to know? He could file harassment against you IF his wife finds out (prior to him being honest with her about what he is doing behind her back) and she calls the HR department, and he freaks and says it was YOU all along pursing him, calling him, etc....

 

And make no bones - the wife will find out. Considering she has been around the family for longer than you have been alive, I would bet they aren't keen on having you join the family. If he has money, they will want a pre-nup (as would he) -- that is, depending on what is left after his wife gets her share.

 

All in all - IMHO - this is a stupid idea. There has to be single men you could date.

 

This isn't fun and games. This is people's lives. This is people's futures. Are you really willing to gamble on something that has gone on for a few weeks to ruin so many people's lives? If he was such an upstanding guy, he would NOT be involved with you while married. Sorry, many won't agree, but that is my view. If you really rock his world, he would want to court you properly. He would want to date you. But he can't date you - cause he is MARRIED. Is it fair what he is doing to his wife? Sneaking around behind her back? Exposing her to STD's? Deciding HER life for her by NOT being honest with her that he has decided to cheat. Or is he just testing the waters with you? Is he just playing with your emotions and feelings?

 

Only way to find out? Tell him to call you after he is divorced.

 

Lastly - please don't pretend to care about his wife and her feelings. If you cared about her (as a fellow human) you wouldn't be playing around with her husband behind her back.

 

 

Fooledonce- This should be added to the "Warning" section on the "Homewrecking Kit". BRAVO!

 

Jeez! My head is spinning Littlebunny, why would you want to complicate your life like this? Seriously. Besides, let's say he does end up with you... Would you really want to be living in a retirement home when you're 43? (no pun intended to those 65 and older on LS)

[WalkInThePark]

What worries me most of all is that this guy is in his forties and you only in your twenties. I know there are exceptions but in general I find age differences in a couple which are more than 10 years unhealthy, especially if one of the partners is younger than 30.

A guy in his forties who goes after a girl in his twenties normally has issues. He needs the younger woman to stroke his ego, to feel flattered, to be in control.

This combined with the fact that he is married makes it even more worrying.

 

It seems to me that this guy is only looking for some candy on the side and it would really surprise me if you are his first affairs. Some people make this a life style. On the one hand they have their spouse with whom they have a pleasant comfortable relationship, on the other hand they need the excitement of an affair. Before you get involved with him, inform yourself as well as possible about the kind of life he lives. His wife and him have no children so there most be something which has created a bond between them, otherwise they would not have stayed together for so long.

 

My take is that he goes for a younger girl because a woman of his own age might ask him what he wants and why he is cheating.

 

You are very young, there is absolutely no need for you to have a relationship with a married guy 20 years your senior.

[naturegirl]

Here are my thoughts:

 

1. Nearly everyone who is posting here has been in your shoes. Consider them your elders because we've all been there and seen the heartache that goes along with an affair.

 

2. Every person in your shoes wants to feel like the "exception" to the rule. But the "rule" is that married men don't leave their wife for the other woman. That is a well proven statistic and as much as you want to be the exception to that rule, statistics are against you. This means that the odds are really stacked against you.

 

3. Love yourself more than this. You can't do this if you are willing to be the other worman and here's the deal...he won't either. Respect yourself and end it and tell him that you will be there if/when he is single and make this right by you but until then, you deserve to be numero uno in a man's life, not number two.

 

4. Having an affair is an emotional rollercoaster. You will find that it will turn you into someone you do not recognize. But here's the deal...You can get off anytime. Why not sooner rather than later. Before you are hurt, angry, feeling sad and depressed....

 

Get out now. Love yourself enough to say "no more," "Not like this," "I deserve better (and you really do).

 

Best wishes

[Mimolicious]

A guy in his forties who goes after a girl in his twenties normally has issues. He needs the younger woman to stroke his ego, to feel flattered, to be in control.

This combined with the fact that he is married makes it even more worrying.

 

 

Can we say Mid-life crisis... Living up to the stereotype that men in their 40's want the 20 year old spring chickens.

[ednadean]

oh sweetheart. your situation is not different at all.

I had/have exactly the same experience.

my advice is -- stop it now before you really fall in love with him. It's HORRIBLE to love someone that you can never have -- especially if he has children.

I know it's hard because he probably makes you feel good and he's probably very nice and not a sleazebag, and very honest etc etc -- but for your own heart and happiness -- try to stop it sooner rather than later

 

I got involved in a similar situation -- an EA really -- and my heart is still with him -- after almost 2 years. He will never leave his wife -- and even if he did, it probably still wouldn't work out. It's a lose lose.

[jj33]

I can only echo what JW71 has said. Different? Have you even read most of the stories on here. This is as generic as it gets. Man married for a long time, takes up with attractive younger woman. She feels special.Nothing new here.

 

Hi to all members,

I have been reading this forum for a a while now and need some advice. My situation seems quite different to a lot of what I read and I am struggling a little.

 

I have been involved with a MM for a couple of months. We have been friends and worked together for 3 years. We hit it off immediately, but it is only recently I thought I might have feelings for him. To be honest I never imagined we would ever be more than good friends, if you had asked anyone who knows him they would say he was just not that sort of person.

 

Think about the adultery statistics there is no such thing as "that sort of person". Are YOU "that sort of person" who has affairs with someone else's husband? There is no particular type. Think of the neighbors of the serial killers who say but he was such a nice polite boy.

 

He has been with his wife since they were teenagers (together for over 25 years) and has not had affairs before, despite countless offers (I can think of a lot of women at work who are pretty smitten with him for starters).

 

 

He doesn't tell me that he has a bad home life or makes lots of promises about the future. He says (and seems) pretty scared and unsure about what is going to happen. He has hinted that he loves me, but feels unready to say it and that he doesn't know what to do.

 

That is your reading of the situation. You dont know why he hasnt told you unless he has told you that.

 

I am finding this tough, but at the same time I don't think it is fair to ask someone to just pack up and leave after a few weeks. There is a fair age gap between us and I get the impression that he has a worry he couldn't hang on to me if we were together.

Any thoughts?

 

Are you kidding? You think he should leave a 25 year marriage after a couple of months? You are young and you are naive.

 

Get out now. This has heartache written all over it. And if you are struggling after a few weeks thats enough to tell you that this is not a relationship that works for you.

 

If he wants to divorce he will. If he doesnt he wont. You dont want to be the catalyst hoping someone else's marriage of 25 years fails.

Edited June 12, 2010 by jj33

[BB07]

Welcome to LS lilbunny. Your thread title is "Am I kidding myself?" To be blunt YES you are. You've got lots of wonderful wise responses, I just hope that you will heed the advice given. Some of what I'm going to say is the same, but some is a little bit different.

 

First you are 27 years old.....you are still quite naive. Something in you needed this attention from this older, presumed more powerful man, so you've opened the door. You really need to examine as to why that is, if you don't address it now, it will keep rearing it's ugly head and biting you in the butt for the rest of your life. I know what I'm talking about from my own personal experience....OK. Don't kid yourself...he is getting his ego stroked by having the cute little young thing down the hall pay him attention, ask yourself why does he need his ego stroked.

 

25 years.....that's a lifetime. It's highly unlikely he will walk away easily if at all. Don't fool yourself and tell yourself that you won't settle, you will if you get any more involved.

 

Let's just suppose/pretend he does leave his marriage 6 months down the road. You have no idea of the ****e storm there would be ahead of you and all the pressures that both of you would face. I'm in my late 40's, had an affair with a man several years ago. I walked.....fast forward a few years later. He and I have very limited contact, nothing funny going on. He leaves the marriage, he and I start seeing each other 8 months into his separation. He was only married to her for 4 years, no children, you'd think it would be easy and not complicated.....NOT. I can't even begin to tell you how difficult it's been. What I'm trying to tell you is........even if you somehow end up with this man, (highly unlikely) you don't have a clue as to how it will forever follow you around and present difficulties to you and him. It's like this....I love this man, he loves me, but had I known what I know now.....I would have made different choices.

 

Please heed the warnings.....walk away NOW.

[lilbunny]

It has been a while since I last posted. Thank to everyone for their comments.

I met his wife, we happened to be in the same place at the same time. I didn't want to, but I'm glad I did because it made her into a real person rather than someone who's name was mentioned occasionally. I imagine this sounds strange to anyone who has never been in this situation, or indeed been cheated on, but it is really hard to feel bad for someone who you have never seen, know nothing about, almost like they don't exist in your world. I said I wasn't going to do it anymore and if he wanted me he knew where I was, but wasn't prepared to be second best. I got a whole load of excuses about how he 'wouldn't be pushed into anything' and 'didn't know how this was going to turn out' which probably sounds familiar to a few of you. I thought that would be the end of it.

A couple of days later he turned up at my home with his suitcases. I was shocked to say the least.

Now this is the bit where it all gets crazy. I love this man more than I imagined possible. It broke my heart but I sent him home. It seemed like a rash decision, that I had bullied him into it and that ultimately one day he would wake up and resent me for 'pushing' him. I told him to think about it for a few months and if it was still what he wanted then he should move out into a place of his own first, rather than diving in feet first.

 

Am I mad and have I totally blown it?

[MorningCoffee]

It has been a while since I last posted. Thank to everyone for their comments.

I met his wife, we happened to be in the same place at the same time. I didn't want to, but I'm glad I did because it made her into a real person rather than someone who's name was mentioned occasionally. I imagine this sounds strange to anyone who has never been in this situation, or indeed been cheated on, but it is really hard to feel bad for someone who you have never seen, know nothing about, almost like they don't exist in your world. I said I wasn't going to do it anymore and if he wanted me he knew where I was, but wasn't prepared to be second best. I got a whole load of excuses about how he 'wouldn't be pushed into anything' and 'didn't know how this was going to turn out' which probably sounds familiar to a few of you. I thought that would be the end of it.

A couple of days later he turned up at my home with his suitcases. I was shocked to say the least.

Now this is the bit where it all gets crazy. I love this man more than I imagined possible. It broke my heart but I sent him home. It seemed like a rash decision, that I had bullied him into it and that ultimately one day he would wake up and resent me for 'pushing' him. I told him to think about it for a few months and if it was still what he wanted then he should move out into a place of his own first, rather than diving in feet first.

 

Am I mad and have I totally blown it?

 

I think you did the right thing, and hope you stick to it.

 

If he really and truly left home, he was just looking for a soft landing. But can you be sure? Maybe he just told her he had to go on a business trip . . . ??

 

Your advice that he have his own place and be settled there on his own is spot on, for both of you, but especially for you. Hang in there for you.

[BB07]

It has been a while since I last posted. Thank to everyone for their comments.

I met his wife, we happened to be in the same place at the same time. I didn't want to, but I'm glad I did because it made her into a real person rather than someone who's name was mentioned occasionally. I imagine this sounds strange to anyone who has never been in this situation, or indeed been cheated on, but it is really hard to feel bad for someone who you have never seen, know nothing about, almost like they don't exist in your world. I said I wasn't going to do it anymore and if he wanted me he knew where I was, but wasn't prepared to be second best. I got a whole load of excuses about how he 'wouldn't be pushed into anything' and 'didn't know how this was going to turn out' which probably sounds familiar to a few of you. I thought that would be the end of it.

A couple of days later he turned up at my home with his suitcases. I was shocked to say the least.

Now this is the bit where it all gets crazy. I love this man more than I imagined possible. It broke my heart but I sent him home. It seemed like a rash decision, that I had bullied him into it and that ultimately one day he would wake up and resent me for 'pushing' him. I told him to think about it for a few months and if it was still what he wanted then he should move out into a place of his own first, rather than diving in feet first.

 

Am I mad and have I totally blown it?

 

I'm so proud of you, you did the absolute best thing for yourself and him too. Now don't wait on him to come back, get busy living. If he contacts you, tell him you don't want to hear from him until he gets a divorce, if you accept less than that you will be setting yourself up for always taking the crumbs. Don't do that to yourself or him or his family.

 

Again........you did the RIGHT thing.

[Snowflower]

A couple of days later he turned up at my home with his suitcases. I was shocked to say the least.

Now this is the bit where it all gets crazy. I love this man more than I imagined possible. It broke my heart but I sent him home. It seemed like a rash decision, that I had bullied him into it and that ultimately one day he would wake up and resent me for 'pushing' him. I told him to think about it for a few months and if it was still what he wanted then he should move out into a place of his own first, rather than diving in feet first.

 

Am I mad and have I totally blown it?

 

Lilbunny, this might so strange to you coming from someone who was once in the same position as your MM's wife, but I want to say a big KUDOS to you for handling this situation as you did. :bunny: (here's a bunny for ya')

 

I think you were exactly right in sending him away. He needs time to figure out how to unravel his 25 year marriage. No one can make that big of a life change just that quickly, IMO. He may truly want to be with you but moving from the marital home directly into your house will bring a lot of turmoil into YOUR life which you don't need.

 

Like I said, I think you handled the situation perfectly and it appears that you are watching out for yourself first. All good.

 

Now, what type of future relationship do you want to have with him?

[lilbunny]

Thanks for the reassurance. It seemed like the right thing to do. That was a few weeks ago and we are on summer break from work so we haven't seen each other since and I said we should try not to contact each other and have some proper time apart so he had a chance to think. I faltered once (sent a text) and it was to do with a health scare he had and I couldn't rest until I knew it was all ok. He sent some messages on facebook and I replied but kept it light-hearted and brief.

 

We had said in the past that however it turned out we wanted to stay friends and I hope for the moment we can do that when we go back to work. It isn't an easy thing to do I know.

I'm not sure if it might be wise to continue to keep a bit of distance, again much easier said than done!

[OM1]

Wow! That's all I can say. WOW! I read this thread start to finish and I have to be honest with you, I never would have thought you had the strength to do what you did. You seemed so naive to everything, but I give you all the credit in the world - you figured it out QUICK. I will say what everyone else has said so far - you did EXACTLY THE RIGHT THING. I'm proud of you. You've inspired me to keep steadfast with NC.

 

Just wow. GOOD for you.

[lilbunny]

Thanks! I suppose reading some of that back I can see where you are coming from with that. Some of it was caught up in the moment, but it is quite hard getting across your gut feeling about someone in a post without sounding a bit up in the clouds.

I have accidently stumbled into a relationship which was a war zone (he had a child with someone else and they had been apart for about six years and she was unreasonable and a touch crazy, screaming at him on a daily basis, threatening to kill herself, calling me all the names, you get the picture). It was awful enough and doomed. I wouldn't care to repeat it. but potentially much worse and equally doomed.

[HappyAtLast]

So he is living in his own apartment now?

[lilbunny]

I told him to go back home and think about whether that was really what he wanted and we would discuss it again at half term and if it was then he should move out then into a place of his own.

If not he should stay at home and work out whatever it is that isn't right either in his marriage or his own head. If he can't decide then I will take that as being the same as a no and move on.

If he moves out I will start seeing him again discreetly, but I think 6 months is a reasonable length of time to keep it quiet and for him to get his house in order before it would go public.

I don't know what is going to happen, but I hope this will give us both enough time and space to make choices and minimise the damage if it doesn't work out.

[Ellin]

It has been a while since I last posted. Thank to everyone for their comments.

I met his wife, we happened to be in the same place at the same time. I didn't want to, but I'm glad I did because it made her into a real person rather than someone who's name was mentioned occasionally. I imagine this sounds strange to anyone who has never been in this situation, or indeed been cheated on, but it is really hard to feel bad for someone who you have never seen, know nothing about, almost like they don't exist in your world. I said I wasn't going to do it anymore and if he wanted me he knew where I was, but wasn't prepared to be second best. I got a whole load of excuses about how he 'wouldn't be pushed into anything' and 'didn't know how this was going to turn out' which probably sounds familiar to a few of you. I thought that would be the end of it.

A couple of days later he turned up at my home with his suitcases. I was shocked to say the least.

Now this is the bit where it all gets crazy. I love this man more than I imagined possible. It broke my heart but I sent him home. It seemed like a rash decision, that I had bullied him into it and that ultimately one day he would wake up and resent me for 'pushing' him. I told him to think about it for a few months and if it was still what he wanted then he should move out into a place of his own first, rather than diving in feet first.

 

Am I mad and have I totally blown it?

I like that.

 

I think it's very reasonable and it might perhaps save you the heartbreak that sometimes happens to OW in similar situation, when MM left marital home with all good intentions but a little prematurely and ends up going back..

 

Hope it will work out best for everyone.

 

Hugs, Bunny!!