a little ....

[rbm33]

sorry this is probably going to be a long read lol.......

 

i have been seeing this girl for a year now and its serious, we have talked about getting married and building a future together.

She has been divorced for a little over a year and has joint custody of her 6 yeard old son with her x husband.

 

the problem i am having is the control that her x still seems to have over her. when he picks their son up he comes in the house and sits down on the couch and starts telling her what to do. nothing to major just things that he needs her to pack for their son to take for his vist.

 

that in itself isnt to big of a deal, but he controls what she does on her weekends with her son also.

their 6 year old broke his arm in an accident and is forced to not play baseball this summer, but the dad is coaching the team and insists that she brings him to all the practices. and i guess that in itself isnt to big of a deal, but a couple of weeks ago we had a 3 day weekend planned to sea world for his first weekend of summer. we were trying to be creative and come up with something for a six old to do with a broken arm and this was all sounding pretty good until the dad called and told her that they were going to have a practice that weekend and that she was supposed to bring their son to watch him coach.

 

so basically her and her son had to sit around all weekend just so they could go watch him coach baseball for one hour. he had to give up going to medeival times and sea world just to watch a one hour baseball practice.

 

and to top it all off, he tries to force the mother to come also, telling her that she should come also and support their son and be a good example to him. (and its not like he is going to get to play or practice any this summer, with his injury he is out for the entire season)

 

the x still calls her constantly too. we went out for dinner this sunday and he calls and is wanting to know where she is and who she is with. to me its a little humiliating to have to sit and listen her argue with her x husband about where she is and who she is with when we are supposedly in a serious relationship and talking about marriage.

 

she would tell him its non of his business where she is or who she is with, but i guess my concern is why is he comfortable enough to even ask her those questions? why is he comfortable enough to come into the house and sit on the couch while he gives her orders? and why is he comfortable enough to insist on what she does with their son on her weekends??

 

i would love to hear some different perspectives on this, maybe im just being overly sensitive but i really dont think i am.

 

thanks in advance.

[Maxxx]

Funny that you posted this I have mentioned in other threads that I am getting married this summer. She has been married before, has been divorced for about 3 years, and has a son 9 with her x. (I am 40 and never been married) So not only is the whole "family thing" new to me the situation with her x is a position I would rather not be in. He is VERY controlling has not kept up with his end of the divorce settlement (as far as money the house and so on) I can't tell you how much he owes in back child support. And yet for some reason she will not haul his dumb !@#! back to court or get him put in jail to get these things taken care of. Every time we talk about it I have to bit my lip to keep from saying something I shouldn't. But I have pretty much resigned myself to the fact that this guy is going to be a thorn in her and my side even after we are married. So I am learning to let her deal with it with out my input unless she asked for it.

 

I know this story may not help you but just wanted you to know your not the only when dealing with an x that is a pain in the arse.

[make me believe]

i guess my concern is why is he comfortable enough to even ask her those questions? why is he comfortable enough to come into the house and sit on the couch while he gives her orders? and why is he comfortable enough to insist on what she does with their son on her weekends??

 

Because she is letting him do this! You are definitely not being too sensitive -- this situation is ridiculous! If your GF is serious about having a future with you she needs to set some boundaries with her ex-husband immediately. I can't believe you were talked into cancelling a trip to Sea World so that her & her son could go to baseball practice for an hour!

 

When her ex comes to pick the son up, he needs to get in & get out. Or maybe not even get in. Why does she let him come and make himself comfortable on her couch?? She could very easily have the kid ready to go & out the door as soon as the ex pulls into the driveway.

 

Does the son WANT to watch a baseball practice he's not participating in every weekend? I can't think of many six year olds who would consider that a good time & it seems really unnecessary. So unless he WANTS to do that, your GF should inform her ex that the kid is not interested in sitting around watching other kids play baseball, and she has now made alternate plans for his weekends because of his broken arm.

 

Granted, her ex sounds like a controlling jerk & he's definitely taking advantage here. But your GF is letting him. There's absolutely no way I'd sit around taking orders from my ex about ANYTHING, let alone report to him about who I'm with and what I'm doing. Come on... your girlfriend is the real problem here because she's allowing his behavior to continue. Why does she even engage him in conversation if it's not about their son? If my ex called me up demanding to know who I was with, I would tell him it was none of his business & hang up the phone.

[rbm33]

yes i agree. i guess i always knew that all along, but i want it to work out so bad that for th epast year i just turn a blind eye and ignore it. but, here lately its getting to the point to where i have about had it with the situation.

 

when i try to talk to her about it she just says that she cant help what he does, and that im just trying to make her change.

 

im about to give up!!

Edited June 9, 2010 by rbm33

[Mary3]

sorry this is probably going to be a long read lol.......

 

i have been seeing this girl for a year now and its serious, we have talked about getting married and building a future together.

She has been divorced for a little over a year and has joint custody of her 6 yeard old son with her x husband.

 

the problem i am having is the control that her x still seems to have over her. when he picks their son up he comes in the house and sits down on the couch and starts telling her what to do. nothing to major just things that he needs her to pack for their son to take for his vist.

 

that in itself isnt to big of a deal, but he controls what she does on her weekends with her son also.

their 6 year old broke his arm in an accident and is forced to not play baseball this summer, but the dad is coaching the team and insists that she brings him to all the practices. and i guess that in itself isnt to big of a deal, but a couple of weeks ago we had a 3 day weekend planned to sea world for his first weekend of summer. we were trying to be creative and come up with something for a six old to do with a broken arm and this was all sounding pretty good until the dad called and told her that they were going to have a practice that weekend and that she was supposed to bring their son to watch him coach.

 

so basically her and her son had to sit around all weekend just so they could go watch him coach baseball for one hour. he had to give up going to medeival times and sea world just to watch a one hour baseball practice.

 

and to top it all off, he tries to force the mother to come also, telling her that she should come also and support their son and be a good example to him. (and its not like he is going to get to play or practice any this summer, with his injury he is out for the entire season)

 

the x still calls her constantly too. we went out for dinner this sunday and he calls and is wanting to know where she is and who she is with. to me its a little humiliating to have to sit and listen her argue with her x husband about where she is and who she is with when we are supposedly in a serious relationship and talking about marriage.

 

she would tell him its non of his business where she is or who she is with, but i guess my concern is why is he comfortable enough to even ask her those questions? why is he comfortable enough to come into the house and sit on the couch while he gives her orders? and why is he comfortable enough to insist on what she does with their son on her weekends??

 

i would love to hear some different perspectives on this, maybe im just being overly sensitive but i really dont think i am.

 

thanks in advance.

 

Besides him being a Pushy Obnoxious Controlling Ex ( which SHE by the way is allowing him to run her life )

 

From the Dads Perspective ( And then again he could be using the child to control her and keep her close ) Lets just say its going to be next to impossible to get rid of the Dad.

 

Because thats his child. He wants to be involved in his life. He wants Divorce City but still controls her like they are still Man and Wife. He wants to have a say in his sons uniforms , sports , activities , ect.

 

Is your girl strong or weak ? Does she let him walk all over her ( silly question because its- yes )

 

Are you strong enough to stand up to this clown and tell him to back off ( from your letter- No )

 

So if she is weak and you are weak ( meant in a passive term ) so lets say you are both Passive and he is Dominant , then you better get used to him being in your life and eventually being back in her bed.

 

Thats where he is headed. Back in her bed . And you are out.

 

Unless you stand up to him NOW and tell him " Listen Buddy , These are your visiting times , These are your holidays. These are your times to pick up Joey , But WAIT shouldnt his MOM be saying that to the father ?

 

Both of you need to SPEAK UP !

[linwood]

If an woman`s ex was ever able to directly influence my life as you`ve described I`d be gone.

 

The cancelled weekend is a deal breaker and you should have told her so.

 

Don`t let it happen again.

[Mary3]

If an woman`s ex was ever able to directly influence my life as you`ve described I`d be gone.

 

The cancelled weekend is a deal breaker and you should have told her so.

 

Don`t let it happen again.

 

I think it will take some growing of the testicles for this ______ to come to a complete stop .

[rbm33]

thanks for the replies.

 

i agree with you mary, i just wasnt sure when i should step in or even if i should.

 

i was afraid that it would cause more friction thethe child and i didnt want to make the situation worse for anybody. plus, i kinda figured if she didnt want him involved in her personal life anymore she would put a stop to it.

 

i guess all of this is a moot point anyway, cause im done with the situation. its been a year full of dissapointment after dissapointment in a one sided relationship and its time for me to move along.

[Mary3]

thanks for the replies.

 

i agree with you mary, i just wasnt sure when i should step in or even if i should.

 

i was afraid that it would cause more friction thethe child and i didnt want to make the situation worse for anybody. plus, i kinda figured if she didnt want him involved in her personal life anymore she would put a stop to it.

 

i guess all of this is a moot point anyway, cause im done with the situation. its been a year full of dissapointment after dissapointment in a one sided relationship and its time for me to move along.

 

I'm sorry to hear of your pain. I think they will always have a relationship with one another because she won't tell him to butt out of her life and keep with the visitation schedule...

[Enema]

Let us know how the breakup goes. Sounds like a juicy story.