Yet another sexless marriage rant

[WalkingOnEggs]

I'm extremely frustrated. And I mean very. I'm hitting last straw territory here since this morning.

 

The last time we had any "sex" is last Friday before we went off on a weekend trip. We had 20 minutes before having to get the cab to the train and she didn't want to mess up her hair so she gave me a handjob (I'm not complaining about that, she does those well).

 

But that was after a week of no sex and we had none on our weekend trip. Yesterday at work she called me and hinted at us having sex that night when I got home. But she seemed to have forgotten all about it. When I approached her, I got shot down.

 

This morning she looked absolutely stunning, which added hugely to my frustration. I know it's counter-productive to get angry, so I try not to. But right now, I can't seem to help it. I'm really pissed off. Steaming even.

 

:mad::mad:

[xxoo]

I may be reading wrong, but it looks like you had some sexual contact one week apart, and now it has not been a week since the last time. Do you generally have sex about once a week? That's low, but not nearly "sexless". Attitude can make a difference in satisfaction.

 

On another thread, you said that it is as if she resents you for some inexplicable reason (you only have 7 posts, so I read them for more info). Since this change happened after the kids (big relationship change requiring a lot of renegotiation), I'm inclined to believe you are right, and she does resent you. How is the communication between you two?

[EnigmasMuse]

Does she know how frustrated you are? have you talked to her about any of this? If so, what has her answer been about things?

[Windsurf66]

If she does not want to have sex, why would she dress in a sexy way which would just turn u on and result in u pestering her for sex?

 

I think either she is manipulating u using sex as a weapon, or she is keen on sex but just not with you and dressing sexy to attract others when she goes out in the day.

 

Whichever the reasons, have a good talk with her, go for therapy if possible, and work out something with her. Do not allow her to avoid the issue further.

 

If she really loves, she will definitely try her best to satisfy an impt need. Sex is a physiological need and it is categorised together with food, shelter, sleep etc.

[WalkingOnEggs]

I may be reading wrong, but it looks like you had some sexual contact one week apart, and now it has not been a week since the last time. Do you generally have sex about once a week? That's low, but not nearly "sexless". Attitude can make a difference in satisfaction.

 

On another thread, you said that it is as if she resents you for some inexplicable reason (you only have 7 posts, so I read them for more info). Since this change happened after the kids (big relationship change requiring a lot of renegotiation), I'm inclined to believe you are right, and she does resent you. How is the communication between you two?

No. It can go weeks without sex. If I hadn't gotten that handjob quickie last friday, we'd be on a 3 week streak.

[WalkingOnEggs]

Does she know how frustrated you are? have you talked to her about any of this? If so, what has her answer been about things?

Oh hell yes. She seems sympathetic and understanding, but then nothing happens. It's as though she must think I'm exaggerating or joking or something. I'm not even asking for blowjobs or anal sex. If all she can do is a handjob, I'm ok with that. I told her so. This is killing me right now. If screws up my entire day and night.

 

I'm trying not to seem angry because I bet that's not sexy and besides I don't want her to do this "awful chore" just to appease me.

 

I really don't know what my options are.

[RedRussian]

Ask her if she still finds you sexually attractive, something you did in HER mind is turning her off big time.

[secretlady76]

The more you harp on about it or moan about the lack of sex, the less she is likely to accomodate. If you ask me, I suggest you play hard to get. Don't even give her a kiss, nothing, zilch. I reckon, after a while, she may well get keen. Some women love a challenge, a quite frankly, you're hardly one at the moment.... hope it works.

[LucreziaBorgia]

In your shoes, seeing as she is seriously taking you for granted, I'd do a 180 - act completely uninterested in sex and turn her down if she offers, don't pay any attention to what she wears, if she fishes for compliments simply say "yes dear" absently and clearly not paying any attention, start expressing an interest in working out, losing weight, looking good (extra care with grooming), etc.

 

She'll wonder who you are doing all of this for, if clearly not for her and she may decide to ramp up things a bit.

 

If she fails to even notice, and just drops the sex thing altogether you will want to go with another step: deciding if a sexless marriage is worth staying in.

[WalkingOnEggs]

The more you harp on about it or moan about the lack of sex, the less she is likely to accomodate. If you ask me, I suggest you play hard to get. Don't even give her a kiss, nothing, zilch. I reckon, after a while, she may well get keen. Some women love a challenge, a quite frankly, you're hardly one at the moment.... hope it works.

Yeah I have done that. But she takes that as me being angry and then she asks "What's the matter?" and then we get into the discussion and nothing happens and it's rinse and repeat.

 

That said maybe I can stop listening to her share with me her problems at her spa that she manages part-time. Maybe I can stop getting up early to make her breakfast before we lave for the morning. I mean, I may as well do things I want to do and not do those things I don't want to.

[WalkingOnEggs]

In your shoes, seeing as she is seriously taking you for granted, I'd do a 180 - act completely uninterested in sex and turn her down if she offers, don't pay any attention to what she wears, if she fishes for compliments simply say "yes dear" absently and clearly not paying any attention, start expressing an interest in working out, losing weight, looking good (extra care with grooming), etc.

 

She'll wonder who you are doing all of this for, if clearly not for her and she may decide to ramp up things a bit.

 

If she fails to even notice, and just drops the sex thing altogether you will want to go with another step: deciding if a sexless marriage is worth staying in.

 

I like that idea. I already work out alot. I realize this is the internet and people say this all the time, but I actualy am in outstanding shape. I'm noticeably muscular (which she likes, but never mentions it on me). But yes, the grooming thing is a great idea. Hey it's a game, if it works, great, if not, I'll be well groomed!

[secretlady76]

Yeah I have done that. But she takes that as me being angry and then she asks "What's the matter?" and then we get into the discussion and nothing happens and it's rinse and repeat.

 

That said maybe I can stop listening to her share with me her problems at her spa that she manages part-time. Maybe I can stop getting up early to make her breakfast before we lave for the morning. I mean, I may as well do things I want to do and not do those things I don't want to.

 

Don't get into the discussion. Say you're great, nothing is wrong...don't get embroiled in a discussion (which will achieve nothing). I would keep listening (or pretending to listen) to her because if you don't then that will simply irritate her, and as for breakfast, well, tell her it's her turn to make the breakfast from now on because you find the apron no longer fits!!!

[WalkingOnEggs]

Don't get into the discussion. Say you're great, nothing is wrong...don't get embroiled in a discussion (which will achieve nothing). I would keep listening (or pretending to listen) to her because if you don't then that will simply irritate her, and as for breakfast, well, tell her it's her turn to make the breakfast from now on because you find the apron no longer fits!!!

Ok tell me more. What if she tries to give me a hug? Do I shoo her away, or do I go with it? Or hug back but with no enthusiasm? Same for the kissing? And should I turn down sex for awhile?

[LucreziaBorgia]

You can give her the 'buddy hug' where your lower body is tilted away and you pat them on the back. Perfunctory kisses, and yes - just be 'tired' when she wants sex, or just do what she did: hint that you will do it later and then don't. Generally when you mirror someone's behavior back at them, and exaggerate it they start to realize that perhaps something is up.

[secretlady76]

Ok tell me more. What if she tries to give me a hug? Do I shoo her away, or do I go with it? Or hug back but with no enthusiasm? Same for the kissing? And should I turn down sex for awhile?

 

Hugging is fine BUT don't use it as an excuse to grope/shove your tongue down her throat, just go with the hug and leave it as that, unless she tries to make it more. Kissing is also fine, but again if she just wants a 'cats arse' kiss then just have one of them, don't try and shove your tongue in. I wouldn't turn down sex if she's offering, but don't offer it to her. Let her have the driver seat, so to speak.

 

I've been married a while, have kids and I'm female, so I know where she is coming from a bit.

[WalkingOnEggs]

.. so I know where she is coming from a bit.

 

So .. why are you holding out? Tell me!

 

BTW: Both our kids are teens. No diapers or reading bedtime stories.

[secretlady76]

So .. why are you holding out? Tell me!

 

BTW: Both our kids are teens. No diapers or reading bedtime stories.

 

Ha, like I would tell you on here. I'm sure each woman's reason is different, but it is by no means uncommon. Normally it's simply that your husband becomes part of the furniture, you take them for granted, you lose your desire for them and basically everything they do becomes annoying, especially when they pester you for sex. Sometimes you have to go back to the beginning and try and remember what it was that attracted you to them in the first place, that is if you can remember what it was!!! Do you spend much time together as a couple doing stuff as a couple?

[carhill]

I wonder out loud how much of her time and energy she put into resolving this issue or even considering how you feel. A really likely answer is zero. You're the one here looking for answers; you're thinking of ways to 'ramp it up'. You care more. She cares less.

 

I remember once commenting to stbx that 'you dress up for everyone but me; I feel like I get the leftovers' as an example of our intimacy dynamic. Blank response. Enough of that and I got my intimacy elsewhere and divorced her. F*ck that. I'm done playing guess who's on first with women. Someone else can have that job.

 

OP, I hope you find your path. All I can tell you is having firm boundaries and putting time and energy into *yourself* is far healthier than playing the guessing game with an elusive spouse. Freedom. Good luck.

[WalkingOnEggs]

Ha, like I would tell you on here. I'm sure each woman's reason is different, but it is by no means uncommon. Normally it's simply that your husband becomes part of the furniture, you take them for granted, you lose your desire for them and basically everything they do becomes annoying, especially when they pester you for sex. Sometimes you have to go back to the beginning and try and remember what it was that attracted you to them in the first place, that is if you can remember what it was!!! Do you spend much time together as a couple doing stuff as a couple?

I think your assessment is probably correct. And yes, we do many things as a couple. Like last weekend we took off without the kids to go to the country on a wine tasting event. I'm not saying we do everything as a couple all the time, but I'd say we're above average.

[WalkingOnEggs]

..'you dress up for everyone but me; I feel like I get the leftovers'

Wow that's EXACTLY how I feel. She'll put all sorts of effort to look great even when she goes to the grocery store. I get the flannel PJ's.

[carhill]

Go to the grocery store with her next time. It might be an interesting experience.

 

That's cryptic for 'a woman does nothing without a plan'.

[WalkingOnEggs]

Go to the grocery store with her next time. It might be an interesting experience.

 

That's cryptic for 'a woman does nothing without a plan'.

Well, actually she's done that from day 1. Only before I used to get to ravish her a few times before she left the house:D

[Windsurf66]

Go to the grocery store with her next time. It might be an interesting experience.

 

That's cryptic for 'a woman does nothing without a plan'.

 

Read this post:

 

So, if your significant other exhibits any of the following in combination, be wary:

 

1. works late

2. secret phone calls

3. doesn't answer phone, or texts

4. loss of intimacy

5. sudden need to buy sexy lingerie that you never see

6. bikini waxes and laser treatments

7. new workout regiment (usually late at night)

8. secrecy around the computer

9. sudden need for "space" and "time to think"

10. Trips to the grocery store now require suggestive clothing

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t231643/

[xxoo]

I think your assessment is probably correct. And yes, we do many things as a couple. Like last weekend we took off without the kids to go to the country on a wine tasting event. I'm not saying we do everything as a couple all the time, but I'd say we're above average.

 

Wow that's EXACTLY how I feel. She'll put all sorts of effort to look great even when she goes to the grocery store. I get the flannel PJ's.

 

Did she dress up for the wine tasting event?

 

I don't understand when men complain that their wives aren't all dressed up at home

[carhill]

Well, actually she's done that from day 1. Only before I used to get to ravish her a few times before she left the house:D

Yes, that makes perfect sense.

 

Amazing how hindsight can put puzzles together.....