Yet another sexless marriage rant

[WalkingOnEggs]

Did she dress up for the wine tasting event?

 

I don't understand when men complain that their wives aren't all dressed up at home

Yes, she did. I really don't think she's having an affair. I really don't get that feeling nor do I see any of the signs.

 

The reason men complain (or at least I do) is that she looks super HOT when she does. Maybe it's a fetish of mine, but when her hair is up and she has her glam makeup on, I'm ready to pounce her right then and there.

[carhill]

The plan isn't an affair. That's just a side benefit. The plan is sending a psychological message to you. Never underestimate the abilities of a woman to do this. She can bring you to your knees faster than a kick in the nuts. My advice is to reflect upon your experience, any insight gained here, and think about what *you're* going to *do* next.

[WalkingOnEggs]

The plan isn't an affair. That's just a side benefit. The plan is sending a psychological message to you. Never underestimate the abilities of a woman to do this. She can bring you to your knees faster than a kick in the nuts. My advice is to reflect upon your experience, any insight gained here, and think about what *you're* going to *do* next.

I think you're on to something. Yes, I've often thought she knows the effect she can have on me. But what psychological message do you think she might be sending?

[xxoo]

The reason men complain (or at least I do) is that she looks super HOT when she does. Maybe it's a fetish of mine, but when her hair is up and she has her glam makeup on, I'm ready to pounce her right then and there.

 

Yes, I understand why you want to see her done up sometimes. So take her out! It isn't like she doesn't glam up for you when you take her somewhere.

 

I don't understand why men expect that at home, though. Doesn't a woman deserve to be comfortable in her bare skin at home? Does she need to be "on" at home?

[WalkingOnEggs]

Yes, I understand why you want to see her done up sometimes. So take her out! It isn't like she doesn't glam up for you when you take her somewhere.

 

I don't understand why men expect that at home, though. Doesn't a woman deserve to be comfortable in her bare skin at home? Does she need to be "on" at home?

We live in a major city and we go out alot. In fact usually she's the one who opts not to (she sleeps early).

 

No, I'm not saying she needs to be on all the time. That would be nuts. But occasionally would be nice.

[carhill]

But what psychological message do you think she might be sending?

 

Well, from perusing your thread, 'I'm in charge' comes to mind. Reflect upon that (you may not agree) and its potential impact on the healthy balance of your relationship and marriage.

 

BTW, your posts have added a few more pieces to my puzzle. Thank you. Perhaps the picture will be complete by the time the court seal is on the judgment. Closure

[WalkingOnEggs]

Well, from perusing your thread, 'I'm in charge' comes to mind. Reflect upon that (you may not agree) and its potential impact on the healthy balance of your relationship and marriage.

 

BTW, your posts have added a few more pieces to my puzzle. Thank you. Perhaps the picture will be complete by the time the court seal is on the judgment. Closure

Sounds about right. That's her.

[Scrybe]

Hi,

I've been going through a very similar situation with my wife. We'd got 10-15 days without sex. And when we did have sex it didn't have a lot of ….'spark' so to speak. I've tried all sorts of tactics including everything you described. After a lot of trial and error with my wife I figured out some things:

 

-Arguing, getting angry, pouting, complaining, sulking - doesn't work. If it does it'll only work temporarily

-"Talking it to death" doesn't help either

-Flirting, "seducing", buying her flowers, complimenting her, doing things to make her happy doesn't work

-Trying to make her jealous didn't work

-Withdrawing or refusing to have sex with her didn't work

-Massages, doing extra work with the kids, extra chores…didn't work.

 

After much effort through trial and error I discovered 2 major things.

 

#1 - There are things that turn my wife on that have nothing to do with physical touch. I had to figure those out and implement them.

 

#2 - I had to stop and think about when my wife really WANTED sex from me and figure out how what's missing now that was there then.

 

 

Discovery #1 - Turn Ons - This depends on the individual woman but I've discovered through paying attention over the last few months what turns my wife on.

 

- Working on and fixing things around the house - I'm a white collar worker. I can do basic repairs I suppose but never tried. I'd rather pay someone else to do it. We bought a house this year and I wanted to save money by learning to fix things myself. I was shocked to discover that not only COULD I actually work with my hands ---- coming into the house covered in dirt or dust from working in the yard, paint from painting the bathroom or sanding the living room window, etc., really got her hot and bothered! Who knew? Now when I see her interest wane a little I get started on one of the zillion little home improvement projects she wants completed. I figured that I need to do this about once a month with my girl.

 

- TV Shows or Movies with steamy love scenes - I totally stumbled across this. My wife doesn't dig porn at all. Does nothing for her. But watch an cable TV series or movie with a particularly steamy love scene (NOT CINEMAX STUFF) then she literally gets a twinkle in her eye!

 

- Having a clean house - I discovered that if I have the house clean (or at least our bedroom) before we retire for the night she is more likely to be in the mood. Why? I figured out that if she goes to bed with the house a mess (particularly mid week) then she's stressing out about all she has to deal with the next day. She works from home so whatever mess is left the night before affects her directly. If the bedroom is a mess she's preoccupied not only with the mess but it reminds her of other things she needs to get to with work, etc. She's tense and distracted and lovemaking just gets pushed down on her priority list. I'm of the opinion that most men can get in the mood whenever or wherever. I don't give a damn about clothes on the floor or the bed being made. Apparently this makes a big difference for women? Now when I want to make love I make it a point to have the bedroom looking spotless and smelling nice when she comes in. So far it's worked like a charm

I'm sure there are other things that I haven't discovered but this has become pretty fun trying to figure this stuff out. I've been doing this for a few months now.

 

Discovery #2 Getting Her To Want Sex

 

This was trickier. There was a time earlier in our relationship when she'd literally attack me! We'd make love like there was no tomorrow. I felt she was sooo attracted to me and it was great. Getting laid well and often wasn't a problem at all. So what has changed?

 

Well she's had a child, we're married, we own a home and have struggled with the usual stresses of family life. Life happened. Her job exhausts her and the kids wear her down sometimes. Don't get me wrong. I help out a lot with the kids and the housework. We pretty much evenly split most duties but some things are inherently more on the other person. Because she works from home the kids are always there so it just drains her.

 

I started thinking about our many conversations over the past year which mostly involved me complaining about not getting enough sex or enough good sex. Her only constant complaint was about my complaining! LOL!

 

So I decided to try an experiment. I thought about sex with her ALL THE TIME and just figured she should be flattered that I always wanted her. I realized that when our relationship was young we didn't live together and she had time and space from me to miss and appreciate me. I started to think….maybe she isn't flattered by the constant attention and desire for sex. As foreign as that was to me I did my best to see it from her point of view.

 

I also started to think that maybe it's okay to not want sex all the time. Again….foreign to me. And maybe her lack of desire to have sex has less to do with me than I thought. So….I decided to STOP chasing her. I stopped being overly affectionate. I stopped patting or smacking her ass every time I got. I stopped touching her so much or leering at her when she changed clothes. I stopped chasing her around our room when she stepped out of the shower. I started to realize that I was smothering her with my needs and drowning her with my whining complaints about sex.

 

 

Now….I said I tried this before but the difference was that I was doing it out of resentment. I was cold and distant. I decided to be pleasant and loving but to just give her space.

 

THE RESULTS:

 

The first few days I think subconsciously she was relieved. She started to relax more and more. By the end of the first week I could tell she seemed to wonder what was going on but neither of us talked about it. She started imitation affection and I would accept it but wouldn't initiate.

 

Finally a little over a week of doing this (along with #1 Turn Ons) she came to bed one evening….stripped down and made love to me…..like she hasn't done since our honeymoon! I'm not kidding. Here's the kicker….all of the "little" things I wanted her to do in bed….the things she seemed too exhausted or resistant to do. She totally went for it! I asked for something she normally says "no" to. She said "no". I said…"okay…fine…but maybe another time okay?" and smiled. She gave me a funny look…..made a decision and decided to give me what I wanted…with enthusiasm. I was blown away. Literally. Hehe…

 

So…in a nutshell giving her space works. But it's a lot of work. I have to try really hard to not think about sex all the time. Let her know through my actions that there is no pressure. And she feels good about it and herself.

 

After about 2 months of this we've progressed to the point where I can initiate sex again and she responds in a positive way. We now have sex at least once a week and lately about twice a week. Best of all….once in awhile if she's really not in the mood….and I really am…she'll still make love to me…and with enthusiasm just to make me happy!

 

Again…it's tough and it will take a lot of patience. There were times when I was getting frustrated with this process and was ready to throw in the towel but I'm glad I stuck with it.

Edited June 9, 2010 by Scrybe

[Windsurf66]

Well, actually she's done that from day 1. Only before I used to get to ravish her a few times before she left the house:D

 

Yup, agree probably no affair since she has been dressing up since day 1. She is probably dressing sexy and denying sex as part of manipulation. Read some websites before on erotic power control. She seems to be teasing you by dressing sexy and denying u sex. Makes the guy more compliant and well behaved (lol)

[xxoo]

I suspect the men are reading way too much into the clothes. Women often put on nice clothes and make up to go out because we feel insecure and judged without it. It seems like she's done this from the start, and it is just her comfort zone. At home, we want to be comfortable!

 

As for the sex issue, see Scrybe above. Key words: smothering, space. Something turns her on--find out what it is, and do your best not to drown her with your needs in the meantime.

[carhill]

We're entitled to read anything we want into anything we observe, sense, or feel, just as you (women) are. Women might not like this. If so, deal with it or go away. Thanks.

 

OP, you're a man. She married a man. Clarify your issues and deal with them like a man. If she's not on-board with the man you are, then she's not. Accept that. Do not twist yourself into a pretzel at the altar of a woman. The only death will be that of your soul. Life is far preferable.

[xxoo]

We're entitled to read anything we want into anything we observe, sense, or feel, just as you (women) are. Women might not like this. If so, deal with it or go away. Thanks.

 

I never suggested you not read or comment???

 

From a woman's pov, I think you men are reading too much into the female behavior of dressing up before going out. You are free to take or leave the insight, as I am free to offer it. Thanks.

 

Women know that our harshest critics are other women. A huge portion of the "dressing up" we do is to avoid judgment from other women. It has little to do with men at the grocery store.

[JamesM]

First of all, you do NOT have a sexless marriage. Having sex even if it is three weeks apart is much more than those whose sex life consists of sex MONTHS apart. Believing that you have a sexless marriage makes it seem more desperate of a situation than it is. What you have is simply an incompatibility at the moment.

 

If this is different than normal, then my guess is that it is a result of either a busy schedule or a conflict in the marriage.

 

Second, if she thinks that you are happy with simply a handjob, then in her mind, you view sex as simply a release for you and not an expression of love between the two of you. At that point she may simply feel that any female body will do and she is simply the candidate because she is married to you. Viewing sex as a necessary means of expressing love is different than you "needing" it as a release of your sperm.

 

You must convince her that what you miss is the intimate connection between the two of you and not simply a sexual release. If it is only the sexual release that you miss, then you two have a bit of marriage work to do IMO.

 

This is not about her not wanting sex IMO but about her not feeling that sex is anything more than a means to YOUR satisfaction. Perhaps if she felt that it was an expression of your love to her, then maybe she would view it differently again. That is not saying that you have been a lousy lover. It simply says that maybe HER view of how YOU view sex is different than what you think it is.

 

An honest and open discussion is probably the only way that you will learn what she is thinking.

[carhill]

OP, have you had MC? If not, it can be an eye-opener. I suggest it heartily

[carhill]

I never suggested you not read or comment???

 

From a woman's pov, I think you men are reading too much into the female behavior of dressing up before going out. You are free to take or leave the insight, as I am free to offer it. Thanks.

 

Women know that our harshest critics are other women. A huge portion of the "dressing up" we do is to avoid judgment from other women. It has little to do with men at the grocery store.

An 'explanation' in an attempt to invalidate an honest feeling is manipulation. I will not be manipulated. Stbx was expert at 'explanations' and twisting things. The OP has said clearly, in his agreement with the 'she's in charge' message, that he feels manipulated. That's a valid feeling. I'm just tired of women putting things back onto men and won't tolerate it, not for one second. I hope the OP finds his strength

[xxoo]

An 'explanation' in an attempt to invalidate an honest feeling is manipulation.

 

Ok. Not relevant, since I am not attempting to invalidate anyone's feelings.

 

I will not be manipulated.

 

Good for you Honestly!

 

Op, sorry for the highjack. My comments were an earnest attempt to give reassuring insight.

[Windsurf66]

First of all, you do NOT have a sexless marriage. Having sex even if it is three weeks apart is much more than those whose sex life consists of sex MONTHS apart. Believing that you have a sexless marriage makes it seem more desperate of a situation than it is. What you have is simply an incompatibility at the moment.

 

If this is different than normal, then my guess is that it is a result of either a busy schedule or a conflict in the marriage.

 

Second, if she thinks that you are happy with simply a handjob, then in her mind, you view sex as simply a release for you and not an expression of love between the two of you. At that point she may simply feel that any female body will do and she is simply the candidate because she is married to you. Viewing sex as a necessary means of expressing love is different than you "needing" it as a release of your sperm.

 

You must convince her that what you miss is the intimate connection between the two of you and not simply a sexual release. If it is only the sexual release that you miss, then you two have a bit of marriage work to do IMO.

 

This is not about her not wanting sex IMO but about her not feeling that sex is anything more than a means to YOUR satisfaction. Perhaps if she felt that it was an expression of your love to her, then maybe she would view it differently again. That is not saying that you have been a lousy lover. It simply says that maybe HER view of how YOU view sex is different than what you think it is.

 

An honest and open discussion is probably the only way that you will learn what she is thinking.

 

The second point is excellent! The OP will be quite pitiful in this case. After not having sex for some time, the wife offers a HJ because did not want to mess up clothing/hair/makeup, and the OP will be in a dilemma whether to take it or suck it up.

[Scrybe]

Also - Regarding the "dressing up for everyone else". Just a theory but it may be that she likes feeling attractive and the attention she gets from men (and women) but doesn't notice your attraction to her because she takes it for granted. It's always there. So again...giving her space and focusing on other things other than her...well...it might make her feel challenged to get your attention. In my case when I started doing what I mentioned in my earlier post...she was a little more obvious about prancing around me in her best underwear or I'd come home from work and she was dressed a little nicer than usual. I used to have to remind her to go to the salon to get her hair cut but the last time she did it without me even mentioning it and got a really cute/sexy hair cut. It's subtle but I noticed it. I tried really hard not to without being cold and distant and it seems to work. Like I said....if she comes out and asks me what I think I tell her the truth but I don't volunteer it nearly as much. She seems to get more pleasure from my compliments now that they are more sparingly dished out. Again...I'm not being mean...just more reserved and she seems to like it. Sometimes I can't help but gawk at her when she's looking smokin' hot. Since I don't do it so often she blushes with pleasure that she was able to get my attention. I know..weird huh? Oh well...it's been working for me!

[carhill]

OP, does your W have any hot girlfriends? Let them flirt with you. Don't keep them at arm's distance, like I know you do, being a good, faithful and respectful husband. It's even better if they're married. You'll learn a lot. I know I did. Learned and then left it all behind to find a healthier place. Make that MC appointment today. A marriage where you feel subservient and where your sexual desires go unfulfilled is good enough reason to ask for outside help. I know your wife will go and dress appropriately. Hope it works out

[blair08]

Wow that's EXACTLY how I feel. She'll put all sorts of effort to look great even when she goes to the grocery store. I get the flannel PJ's.

 

 

I think this possibly says alot.

 

Its for others but not for you. I would pay attention to that.

[JamesM]

I don't think this is simply the fault of the wife. As one who usually sees it that way, I think that maybe this is a breakdown in the communication of what is wanted here.

 

Does she think the OP simply wants more sexual releases. or does she truly think that he wants a more intimate connection with her?

 

I think the dressing up tangent is a red herring.

 

If I read what you have said regarding what you want, WOE, then I wonder if your wife sees it as I have read it. If so, then the answer IMO is some redefining to her as to what you "want" from her in the sexual intimacy area.

[mem11363]

Some beautiful observations:

- Making someone happy is completely different than turning someone on

- Removing the stress of a messy/dirty house is good - it removes a road block to passion but it does not create passion

- Restoring the power balance to your marriage is critical - your WIFE - needs to feel as much desire to please YOU, as you do to please her. When you are constantly over loving her (defined as expressing more love to her than she is to you), her reaction is to do LESS for you. For many men this begins a vicious cycle where they try harder, chase faster after a wife who honestly really wants more space and less clingy behavior.

 

 

 

Hi,

I've been going through a very similar situation with my wife. We'd got 10-15 days without sex. And when we did have sex it didn't have a lot of ….'spark' so to speak. I've tried all sorts of tactics including everything you described. After a lot of trial and error with my wife I figured out some things:

 

-Arguing, getting angry, pouting, complaining, sulking - doesn't work. If it does it'll only work temporarily

-"Talking it to death" doesn't help either

-Flirting, "seducing", buying her flowers, complimenting her, doing things to make her happy doesn't work

-Trying to make her jealous didn't work

-Withdrawing or refusing to have sex with her didn't work

-Massages, doing extra work with the kids, extra chores…didn't work.

 

After much effort through trial and error I discovered 2 major things.

 

#1 - There are things that turn my wife on that have nothing to do with physical touch. I had to figure those out and implement them.

 

#2 - I had to stop and think about when my wife really WANTED sex from me and figure out how what's missing now that was there then.

 

 

Discovery #1 - Turn Ons - This depends on the individual woman but I've discovered through paying attention over the last few months what turns my wife on.

 

- Working on and fixing things around the house - I'm a white collar worker. I can do basic repairs I suppose but never tried. I'd rather pay someone else to do it. We bought a house this year and I wanted to save money by learning to fix things myself. I was shocked to discover that not only COULD I actually work with my hands ---- coming into the house covered in dirt or dust from working in the yard, paint from painting the bathroom or sanding the living room window, etc., really got her hot and bothered! Who knew? Now when I see her interest wane a little I get started on one of the zillion little home improvement projects she wants completed. I figured that I need to do this about once a month with my girl.

 

- TV Shows or Movies with steamy love scenes - I totally stumbled across this. My wife doesn't dig porn at all. Does nothing for her. But watch an cable TV series or movie with a particularly steamy love scene (NOT CINEMAX STUFF) then she literally gets a twinkle in her eye!

 

- Having a clean house - I discovered that if I have the house clean (or at least our bedroom) before we retire for the night she is more likely to be in the mood. Why? I figured out that if she goes to bed with the house a mess (particularly mid week) then she's stressing out about all she has to deal with the next day. She works from home so whatever mess is left the night before affects her directly. If the bedroom is a mess she's preoccupied not only with the mess but it reminds her of other things she needs to get to with work, etc. She's tense and distracted and lovemaking just gets pushed down on her priority list. I'm of the opinion that most men can get in the mood whenever or wherever. I don't give a damn about clothes on the floor or the bed being made. Apparently this makes a big difference for women? Now when I want to make love I make it a point to have the bedroom looking spotless and smelling nice when she comes in. So far it's worked like a charm

I'm sure there are other things that I haven't discovered but this has become pretty fun trying to figure this stuff out. I've been doing this for a few months now.

 

Discovery #2 Getting Her To Want Sex

 

This was trickier. There was a time earlier in our relationship when she'd literally attack me! We'd make love like there was no tomorrow. I felt she was sooo attracted to me and it was great. Getting laid well and often wasn't a problem at all. So what has changed?

 

Well she's had a child, we're married, we own a home and have struggled with the usual stresses of family life. Life happened. Her job exhausts her and the kids wear her down sometimes. Don't get me wrong. I help out a lot with the kids and the housework. We pretty much evenly split most duties but some things are inherently more on the other person. Because she works from home the kids are always there so it just drains her.

 

I started thinking about our many conversations over the past year which mostly involved me complaining about not getting enough sex or enough good sex. Her only constant complaint was about my complaining! LOL!

 

So I decided to try an experiment. I thought about sex with her ALL THE TIME and just figured she should be flattered that I always wanted her. I realized that when our relationship was young we didn't live together and she had time and space from me to miss and appreciate me. I started to think….maybe she isn't flattered by the constant attention and desire for sex. As foreign as that was to me I did my best to see it from her point of view.

 

I also started to think that maybe it's okay to not want sex all the time. Again….foreign to me. And maybe her lack of desire to have sex has less to do with me than I thought. So….I decided to STOP chasing her. I stopped being overly affectionate. I stopped patting or smacking her ass every time I got. I stopped touching her so much or leering at her when she changed clothes. I stopped chasing her around our room when she stepped out of the shower. I started to realize that I was smothering her with my needs and drowning her with my whining complaints about sex.

 

 

Now….I said I tried this before but the difference was that I was doing it out of resentment. I was cold and distant. I decided to be pleasant and loving but to just give her space.

 

THE RESULTS:

 

The first few days I think subconsciously she was relieved. She started to relax more and more. By the end of the first week I could tell she seemed to wonder what was going on but neither of us talked about it. She started imitation affection and I would accept it but wouldn't initiate.

 

Finally a little over a week of doing this (along with #1 Turn Ons) she came to bed one evening….stripped down and made love to me…..like she hasn't done since our honeymoon! I'm not kidding. Here's the kicker….all of the "little" things I wanted her to do in bed….the things she seemed too exhausted or resistant to do. She totally went for it! I asked for something she normally says "no" to. She said "no". I said…"okay…fine…but maybe another time okay?" and smiled. She gave me a funny look…..made a decision and decided to give me what I wanted…with enthusiasm. I was blown away. Literally. Hehe…

 

So…in a nutshell giving her space works. But it's a lot of work. I have to try really hard to not think about sex all the time. Let her know through my actions that there is no pressure. And she feels good about it and herself.

 

After about 2 months of this we've progressed to the point where I can initiate sex again and she responds in a positive way. We now have sex at least once a week and lately about twice a week. Best of all….once in awhile if she's really not in the mood….and I really am…she'll still make love to me…and with enthusiasm just to make me happy!

 

Again…it's tough and it will take a lot of patience. There were times when I was getting frustrated with this process and was ready to throw in the towel but I'm glad I stuck with it.

[Married_and_Lonely]

This and other threads are frustrating for me - I wish my problem was good, but infrequent sex. Instead mine is bad AND infrequent sex.

[Scrybe]

Mem11363 -

 

You have a pretty good way of summing my looong story up with your observations and I think they were well said. I never thought about that: "making someone happy is completely different than turning someone on". It's true! I didn't stop doing the things that make her happy. I still make her coffee every morning, do some of her chores when she's tired, give her a massage when I can, bring her flowers. I just don't tie those things to me getting sex. She thinks it's "sweet" and feels loved and cuddly. I'm discovering that OTHER things get her engine running and general happiness just lays the foundation.

 

"Overloving" Another good summation. That's an accurate description of the cycle I got into. It's true you know. We men get bored if it's too easy getting sex with no challenge and so we take our gf/wife for granted. Why wouldn't our wives feel the same way? It's kind of exciting knowing that she actually wants to seduce me and curl my toes now. It's even more exciting that she's likes me chasing her down and "catching" her now that it's not every freaking minute.

 

Also I feel sooo much better not thinking about it (sex) so much. I feel more secure and more....oh..I suppose the best way to describe it is "Manly Man" instead of "Whiny Boy"

 

Good point on the messy house being a roadblock more than a turn on. I agree that is more accurate. It's like setting the table before eating the meal. I just know now that when her environment is clean, warm, pleasant and private she then totally relaxes and get's into it. I become her sole focus and I love it.

 

 

 

Some beautiful observations:

- Making someone happy is completely different than turning someone on

- Removing the stress of a messy/dirty house is good - it removes a road block to passion but it does not create passion

- Restoring the power balance to your marriage is critical - your WIFE - needs to feel as much desire to please YOU, as you do to please her. When you are constantly over loving her (defined as expressing more love to her than she is to you), her reaction is to do LESS for you. For many men this begins a vicious cycle where they try harder, chase faster after a wife who honestly really wants more space and less clingy behavior.

[Scrybe]

This and other threads are frustrating for me - I wish my problem was good, but infrequent sex. Instead mine is bad AND infrequent sex.

 

Well my problem was bad, mediocre and good infrequent sex. I think the same tactics can work in general but I believe every couple has a deeper underlying issue that manifests itself this way. I didn't get into our issue but let's just say that my wife and I both have a little emotional baggage that has never been dealt with or faced until we were married. The hardest part was identifying it...understanding how it's affecting my life and the life of my loved ones...particularly my wife and then figuring out the best way to deal with it. In our case we ended up discussing it after years of fighting. Tired of fighting we just got real honest with each other. After a few more talks like that (1 didn't do it of course) we both started to understand each other's fear, pain and insecurity and where it came from, why it's there, how we see it in each other, etc.

 

It was eye opening. The key is that we didn't judge each other and decided that in our marriage there was confidentiality and safety to share the deep dark secrets and pain. It was NOT easy. Trust was built. It took a little over a year before we got to a good place and from THERE the change in our sex life got better overall.

 

The frequency and enthusiasm still wasn't quite there until I started making some changes and using the tactics I described earlier.

 

I know that when it comes to intimacy (and I don't just mean sex) she needs to feel safe, secure, loved, cared for and respected. In that order. She learned that I needed to be respected, feel safe, loved, and cared for in that order.

 

It sounds so simple but it's so hard. It went a long way to repairing our relationship and set a good foundation for dealing with the other issues. I credit that way of thinking for helping me to puzzle out what's been missing from our sex life. She's used this way of thinking to figure out what's missing in our intimacy and how to improve it. We both love sex and intimacy but in the past prioritized them differently. I thought she no longer enjoyed sex at all and she thought that I was incapable of real intimacy with her.

 

In a nutshell - MC is a good place to start. Not to solve the sex issue first but to find out if there are any underlying issues there to rebuild your foundation. From there you have a good chance of improving your sex life. Like I said....before the recent improvements my sex life was unsatisfactory but it wasn't "bad". I just wanted more of it. I think the counseling we did helped us to get to that basic place and gave us the tools to grow further.