Yet another sexless marriage rant

[xxoo]

If I were to follow your logic, I'd say she could give herself a neck rub/foot rub. But it's not the same is it?

 

Can you understand how a hj or bj is different from a backrub or footrub in terms of intimacy? If not, it might speak to the intimacy problem in the relationship.

 

I'm not trying to be nasty with that comment. I mean it completely seriously.

 

Honestly, if I can get the same relief from a friend, a doctor, or a tool, or my own hand--I'm just as happy with those options for my back or foot pain. Sexual release is very different for me. Doing it alone is often all I need, but doing it with my H adds something to my life. I can not say the same for backrubs and footrubs. I couldn't care less if he is involved in that process or not, as long as I get relief.

[Scrybe]

I think you might be missunderstanding his point. It's not that the foot/back rub are equivalent to sex and it's intimacy. We know they are two completely different things. It is more of a matter of giving her something she needs or wants that involves physical and even emotional pleasure/relief.

 

The point is to do something for your spouse that really only you can do in an intimate way. Sure she can go to a masseuse but it's different (hopefully better in someways) when your SO does it.

 

Having said that I think we men make the mistake of thinking that women can see it that was as well. I'm assuming you are a woman and that testifies to how wrong we are when we assume that.

 

It may sound worse to you than what we mean but trust me in that we don't mean it that way. It's not an even exchange or a trade. The best way to explain it is that in our mind it is a gesture of love. We want her gesture of love to be (in this case) sexual pleasure/relief.

 

 

Can you understand how a hj or bj is different from a backrub or footrub in terms of intimacy? If not, it might speak to the intimacy problem in the relationship.

 

I'm not trying to be nasty with that comment. I mean it completely seriously.

 

Honestly, if I can get the same relief from a friend, a doctor, or a tool, or my own hand--I'm just as happy with those options for my back or foot pain. Sexual release is very different for me. Doing it alone is often all I need, but doing it with my H adds something to my life. I can not say the same for backrubs and footrubs. I couldn't care less if he is involved in that process or not, as long as I get relief.

[xxoo]

I think you might be missunderstanding his point. It's not that the foot/back rub are equivalent to sex and it's intimacy. We know they are two completely different things. It is more of a matter of giving her something she needs or wants that involves physical and even emotional pleasure/relief.

 

The point is to do something for your spouse that really only you can do in an intimate way. Sure she can go to a masseuse but it's different (hopefully better in someways) when your SO does it.

 

Having said that I think we men make the mistake of thinking that women can see it that was as well. I'm assuming you are a woman and that testifies to how wrong we are when we assume that.

 

It may sound worse to you than what we mean but trust me in that we don't mean it that way. It's not an even exchange or a trade. The best way to explain it is that in our mind it is a gesture of love. We want her gesture of love to be (in this case) sexual pleasure/relief.

 

I understand that men want sexual release as a gesture of love.

Heck, I do, too!

 

But I think it can be a difficult thing for a woman to give strictly as a gesture of love in an emotionally distant relationship. If the intimacy is damaged, a woman can feel very uncomfortable with intimate sexual acts. I don't know the average man can relate to that feeling or not.

 

It is incomparable to his willingness to give backrubs and footrubs. I don't know her, but she may have a list of acts she does every day to show her love for him, and still feel emotionally distant enough to avoid intimate sexual acts.

[WalkingOnEggs]

I understand that men want sexual release as a gesture of love.

Heck, I do, too!

 

But I think it can be a difficult thing for a woman to give strictly as a gesture of love in an emotionally distant relationship. If the intimacy is damaged, a woman can feel very uncomfortable with intimate sexual acts. I don't know the average man can relate to that feeling or not.

 

It is incomparable to his willingness to give backrubs and footrubs. I don't know her, but she may have a list of acts she does every day to show her love for him, and still feel emotionally distant enough to avoid intimate sexual acts.

Ok, if you're suggesting that she can't bring herself to be intimate with me, then we have really HUGE problems. I mean this is bubonic plague bad. It's basically over if that's true.

[Scrybe]

Though XXOO raises a good point in general I think it presumptous to assume that there are intimacy issues AND that you are the source of it. I don't agree with that conclusion....at least not right now.

 

The only people who would know that (based on what you revealed so far) would be you and your wife. If you suspect there are intimacy issues then you need to ask your wife about it.

 

As man I will say this. Sometimes we men understand intimacy differently then women. The trick is to figure out what THEY mean by intimacy and work on giving them what they want. The other side of that coin is that your woman needs to know what YOU mean by intimacy and hopefully be willing to give you what you need.

 

You can't get there without simply sitting down and talking about it. If that doesn't work then MC would be a good place to start if for nothing else just to have a neutral party to referee the dialogue.

 

 

 

 

Ok, if you're suggesting that she can't bring herself to be intimate with me, then we have really HUGE problems. I mean this is bubonic plague bad. It's basically over if that's true.

[xxoo]

Ok, if you're suggesting that she can't bring herself to be intimate with me, then we have really HUGE problems. I mean this is bubonic plague bad. It's basically over if that's true.

 

I'm sorry, WOE It seems fairly obvious to me that she is avoiding sex.

 

You said on another thread that it is like she is inexplicably resentful. I suspect you are correct about the resentful, but there is an explanation. That DOES NOT mean this is all your fault! She has a responsibility to be honest and confront in a timely matter, so that resentments don't build. Unfortunately, it frequently doesn't work out that way.

 

The bad news is: if this is the case, you've had HUGE problems since long before it hit you where it hurts (lack of sex). It means there were issues, unbeknownst to you, that eventually damaged her desire for you.

 

The good news is: it isn't necessarily an irreversible change. Have you been to MC together yet? If not, why not? Dig deep into the issues, and see if the intimacy and connection is salvagable.

[mem11363]

WOE,

I would test a basic level of commitment on HER part by asking HER to give you a back massage. If she resists doing that - you have a basic respect/commitment issue. And THAT is as big as a sexual issue.

 

PS: If you get 5 minutes of a half assed massage followed by - "ok I'm done" - your issue is one of her not having the desire to please you. And the reason THAT matters so much is this. Over time most women go through a transition where they get to the point where they rarely feel aroused just by being with you. They are mostly feeling sexually "neutral". The women who are really "into" their partners are ok with this because they are fine with the idea of starting foreplay from "neutral" and they let their partners "get them in the mood". Women who are not very "into" their partners tend to have a much different view of sex which is "if I don't start out in the mood - we aren't having sex". THAT attitude will make most LTRs sexless.

 

My wife goes through phases that can last months where she is almost entirely sexually "neutral". But she is almost always up for "playing" because she sees letting me get her in the mood as part of being a good partner, keeping me happy.

 

 

 

 

 

Ok, if you're suggesting that she can't bring herself to be intimate with me, then we have really HUGE problems. I mean this is bubonic plague bad. It's basically over if that's true.

Edited June 11, 2010 by mem11363

[giotto]

all the men in this thread, apart from James, seem to be struggling to understand why for a woman "giving" sex freely, without the connection, is such a difficult thing to do. xxoo has explained it perfectly... I don't know... all of you seem so hell-bent in "demanding" sex from your wives... I can get angry about it, but I do respect my wife's wish not to have sex with me if she doesn't feel like it. It's not like rubbing feet or shoulders... it's sticking something inside your body and it's... erm... very personal... Maybe it's part of my problem (but James seems to be on the same wavelength as me), but for me respecting other people's wishes is the most important thing... then, we can work on it...

[Scrivdog]

You people are slipping - you disappoint me. Why haven't you eunichs yet suggested a warm bath, you know with the rose petals on the water?

 

It boggles the mind to think that a decent married guy has to become a master psychologist to figure out why his dear wife won't go near his dick anymore. This threads on sexless marriage on this board alone are enough to fill a 10 volume hardbound collectors set. And yet the responses are so predictable: it's the husband's fault.

 

If I read the thread correctly, the OP had plenty of discussions with her about it. She had ample opportunities to tell him what the problem is - and apparently she hasn't. That is on her, not him.

 

There were a few posters in the beginning of this thread that were offering some decent advice. I had hope for a minute there until we got into how much a poor victim the wife is - you know having to touch that icky thing between his legs and all.

 

The problem is that the OP has put is wife on a pdestal and for that she devalues him. Better he should be a womanizing unemployed ex-con than be an adoring husband.

 

OP, here's my advice. Don't just stop the frequent massages for your wife - instead, make yourself less available to give them. Get a hobby that gets you out of the house a couple of days a week. Get with some friends for a guy's night out once a week or so. Be busy with stuff when you're home - like take a course in something that has homework to do.

 

This way, you've taken her away from the center of your life. You'll gain more confidence because you're learning and doing new things. And she'll now have to find ways to get your attention. And I agree with some other posters here 110% - do not approach her for sex. Act like you can take it or leave it.

 

Also here's some other advice: don't listen to anyone here that hasn't been able to get laid from his wife in years and who proudly proclaims that he can go through 3 week dry spells without noticing.

 

By the way, folks - I have a question: If the OP were to be giving one of those back massages or foot rubs to another woman - would you all be ok with that? After all, it's not intimate or anything, right?

[mem11363]

Scriv,

This is literally perfect.

 

You people are slipping - you disappoint me. Why haven't you eunichs yet suggested a warm bath, you know with the rose petals on the water?

 

It boggles the mind to think that a decent married guy has to become a master psychologist to figure out why his dear wife won't go near his dick anymore. This threads on sexless marriage on this board alone are enough to fill a 10 volume hardbound collectors set. And yet the responses are so predictable: it's the husband's fault.

 

If I read the thread correctly, the OP had plenty of discussions with her about it. She had ample opportunities to tell him what the problem is - and apparently she hasn't. That is on her, not him.

 

There were a few posters in the beginning of this thread that were offering some decent advice. I had hope for a minute there until we got into how much a poor victim the wife is - you know having to touch that icky thing between his legs and all.

 

The problem is that the OP has put is wife on a pdestal and for that she devalues him. Better he should be a womanizing unemployed ex-con than be an adoring husband.

 

OP, here's my advice. Don't just stop the frequent massages for your wife - instead, make yourself less available to give them. Get a hobby that gets you out of the house a couple of days a week. Get with some friends for a guy's night out once a week or so. Be busy with stuff when you're home - like take a course in something that has homework to do.

 

This way, you've taken her away from the center of your life. You'll gain more confidence because you're learning and doing new things. And she'll now have to find ways to get your attention. And I agree with some other posters here 110% - do not approach her for sex. Act like you can take it or leave it.

 

Also here's some other advice: don't listen to anyone here that hasn't been able to get laid from his wife in years and who proudly proclaims that he can go through 3 week dry spells without noticing.

 

By the way, folks - I have a question: If the OP were to be giving one of those back massages or foot rubs to another woman - would you all be ok with that? After all, it's not intimate or anything, right?

[JamesM]

You people are slipping - you disappoint me. Why haven't you eunichs yet suggested a warm bath, you know with the rose petals on the water?

 

The sarcasm spilling from your words would fill the tub and ruin the moment.

 

It boggles the mind to think that a decent married guy has to become a master psychologist to figure out why his dear wife won't go near his dick anymore.

 

Actually, every married man needs to become a master psychologist when it regards his wife...as does a wife regarding her husband. If anyone expects sex and love to simply happen, then they are doomed to a short marriage.

 

And yet the responses are so predictable: it's the husband's fault.

 

Personally, I think it is the "fault" of both. And to simply tell the person who complains about the situation because we have heard one side of the story...it is her fault....may mislead him into a separation and divorce when he could have made some changes or asked some questions that would have solved his problem.

 

If I read the thread correctly, the OP had plenty of discussions with her about it. She had ample opportunities to tell him what the problem is - and apparently she hasn't. That is on her, not him.

 

Plenty of discussions does not equal productive discussions.

 

The problem is that the OP has put is wife on a pdestal and for that she devalues him. Better he should be a womanizing unemployed ex-con than be an adoring husband.

 

I read differently. He is turned on by his wife yet he is happy with a hj. I do not say he does not love her nor do I say he is not trying to fix the problem, but nothing indicates to me that he puts her on a pdestal....er...pedestal.

 

OP, here's my advice. Don't just stop the frequent massages for your wife - instead, make yourself less available to give them.

 

This way, you've taken her away from the center of your life.

 

This advice only avoids the problem and does not eliminate the resentment building inside. If the OP truly does feel inside that he is "getting a hobby" to take away some of the importance he puts on his sex life, then okay. If he does it and takes away the feeling that his wife controls his sex life, then okay. But otherwise, he is simply avoiding the problem and possibly making it worse.

 

Also here's some other advice: don't listen to anyone here that hasn't been able to get laid from his wife in years and who proudly proclaims that he can go through 3 week dry spells without noticing.

 

Since I am the one who said I can go three weeks BECAUSE I am working sixty to seventy hours a week currently, then I will respond to this apparent misunderstanding that you have.

 

I did not say I did not notice. I simply said that due to....whatever, I said it more than once previously.

 

As for not having "been laid in years"....incorrect. I think we may have gone three or four months in our "driest" time, but never "years.

 

While I don't feel I need to record every time we have sex...or rather quality intimacy and not simply a mechanical pleasure release...and I won't....I will correct this once again and say that it has been on average about once a week for the past few months (most of this year). Per her own words, it is the result of her feeling so much better after doing a day job schedule. Do I say it is all her fault? No. Does she take much of the blame? Yes. And oddly since you made the statement this week, this week (thus far) we had sex twice.

 

Any advice I give comes from experience due to trial and error.

 

 

By the way, folks - I have a question: If the OP were to be giving one of those back massages or foot rubs to another woman - would you all be ok with that? After all, it's not intimate or anything, right?

 

Actually, I have given back massages to a number of women. My wife has had shoulder massages from male coworkers. I have been given massages by other women than my wife.

 

A massage does not mean sex is to follow. The purpose of a massage is to relax muscles and relieve tension. It is not intended for sexual pleasure in most cases. In fact, having had a couple of professional massages, I can say that a true massage is not a turn-on to me. So to expect a wife to automatically be aroused by a massage is faulty IMO.

[JamesM]

Scriv,

This is literally perfect.

 

We profoundly disagree....unless our definitions of perfect are different.

[mem11363]

James,

You and others seem to have the view that marriage does not create a sexual obligation. I disagree with that. As for all the psychology I do think it is simple:

- The LD spouse is obligated to help solve the problem. The LD spouse saying "I don't know WHY I lack desire" seems to be sufficient for you to let them entirely off the hook. I think that viewpoint is ludicrous.

- Putting wives up on pedastels DOES kill desire. WOE has done that, and most of the guys who are sexually frustrated have done that.

- MANY of the sexually broken marriages seem to be that way because the LD spouse simply does not care about the HD spouse's feelings enough to let the HD spouse get them from "neutral" into first gear.

 

Pedastel placement is ALL about:

- over loving* AND

- over prioritizing

- creating TOO much relationship comfort

- avoiding conflict

- not being assertive about YOUR needs

 

* radiating too much love AND/OR radiating too much unwanted sexual desire

 

The sarcasm spilling from your words would fill the tub and ruin the moment.

 

 

 

Actually, every married man needs to become a master psychologist when it regards his wife...as does a wife regarding her husband. If anyone expects sex and love to simply happen, then they are doomed to a short marriage.

 

 

 

Personally, I think it is the "fault" of both. And to simply tell the person who complains about the situation because we have heard one side of the story...it is her fault....may mislead him into a separation and divorce when he could have made some changes or asked some questions that would have solved his problem.

 

 

 

Plenty of discussions does not equal productive discussions.

 

 

 

I read differently. He is turned on by his wife yet he is happy with a hj. I do not say he does not love her nor do I say he is not trying to fix the problem, but nothing indicates to me that he puts her on a pdestal....er...pedestal.

 

 

 

 

 

This advice only avoids the problem and does not eliminate the resentment building inside. If the OP truly does feel inside that he is "getting a hobby" to take away some of the importance he puts on his sex life, then okay. If he does it and takes away the feeling that his wife controls his sex life, then okay. But otherwise, he is simply avoiding the problem and possibly making it worse.

 

 

 

Since I am the one who said I can go three weeks BECAUSE I am working sixty to seventy hours a week currently, then I will respond to this apparent misunderstanding that you have.

 

I did not say I did not notice. I simply said that due to....whatever, I said it more than once previously.

 

As for not having "been laid in years"....incorrect. I think we may have gone three or four months in our "driest" time, but never "years.

 

While I don't feel I need to record every time we have sex...or rather quality intimacy and not simply a mechanical pleasure release...and I won't....I will correct this once again and say that it has been on average about once a week for the past few months (most of this year). Per her own words, it is the result of her feeling so much better after doing a day job schedule. Do I say it is all her fault? No. Does she take much of the blame? Yes. And oddly since you made the statement this week, this week (thus far) we had sex twice.

 

Any advice I give comes from experience due to trial and error.

 

 

 

 

Actually, I have given back massages to a number of women. My wife has had shoulder massages from male coworkers. I have been given massages by other women than my wife.

 

A massage does not mean sex is to follow. The purpose of a massage is to relax muscles and relieve tension. It is not intended for sexual pleasure in most cases. In fact, having had a couple of professional massages, I can say that a true massage is not a turn-on to me. So to expect a wife to automatically be aroused by a massage is faulty IMO.

[xxoo]

I strongly disagree with the sexual obligation. Divorce is a much better option, imo. No one should ever have sex out of obligation. Yuck. I believe obligatory sex kills desire.

 

I strongly agree that the LD spouse shares a reponsibility in addressing the problem. Absolutely.

 

I don't know if the "pedestal" definition works for me (I kinda think H puts me on a pedestal, but it is a mutual thing maybe? I think I put him on one, too), but I agree with all of these issues:

 

Pedastel placement is ALL about:

- over loving* AND

- over prioritizing

- creating TOO much relationship comfort

- avoiding conflict

- not being assertive about YOUR needs

 

* radiating too much love AND/OR radiating too much unwanted sexual desire

[xxoo]

By the way, folks - I have a question: If the OP were to be giving one of those back massages or foot rubs to another woman - would you all be ok with that? After all, it's not intimate or anything, right?

 

As long as H is having sexual contact exclusively and regularly with me, I really don't care whose back or feet he touches non-sexually. We have lots of intimate contact with friends and family that falls short of sexual intimacy.

[mem11363]

xxoo,

I laughed when I read about your mutual pedestal placement. Ditto for us.

 

But the reason I laughed is that the true definition of putting someone on a pedestal is that you are placing them "above" you. If you elevate each other equally - then you remain equals and don't have the "problems" a pedestal creates.

 

As for obligatory sex. Perhaps this is about how we define that. There are times when my W definitely feels obligated to have sex - simply because we haven't connected for a while. I am EXTREMELY conflicted about this. When I can tell that she is feeling obligated and but is really tired, or out of sorts emotionally - I always say no. When I can tell she is feeling obligated - and is physically/emotionally sort of neutral I gently suggest we can wait. She says it genuinely makes her happy to make me happy. I believe that since it is totally true in reverse. Still. Conflicted about this.

 

But my drive is now medium - when it was high - my behavior was not so considerate. :(

 

I can tell you one thing I am dead certain of. A few years ago when I totally stopped pressuring her - she fell back in love with me. Our frequency didn't change. Meaning the pressure went down, her desire went up and we kept doing things about the same frequency. But the quality of our overall relationship - well no comparison.

 

 

 

I strongly disagree with the sexual obligation. Divorce is a much better option, imo. No one should ever have sex out of obligation. Yuck. I believe obligatory sex kills desire.

 

I strongly agree that the LD spouse shares a reponsibility in addressing the problem. Absolutely.

 

I don't know if the "pedestal" definition works for me (I kinda think H puts me on a pedestal, but it is a mutual thing maybe? I think I put him on one, too), but I agree with all of these issues:

[xxoo]

xxoo,

I laughed when I read about your mutual pedestal placement. Ditto for us.

 

But the reason I laughed is that the true definition of putting someone on a pedestal is that you are placing them "above" you. If you elevate each other equally - then you remain equals and don't have the "problems" a pedestal creates. .

 

I guess I think of the pedestal as elevating him "above" all other men, and he elevates me "above" all other women.

 

I agree that it is a big problem to value your partner, or their needs, above your own. They should be equally valued.

[Mr White]

You people are slipping - you disappoint me. Why haven't you eunichs yet suggested a warm bath, you know with the rose petals on the water?

 

It boggles the mind to think that a decent married guy has to become a master psychologist to figure out why his dear wife won't go near his dick anymore. This threads on sexless marriage on this board alone are enough to fill a 10 volume hardbound collectors set. And yet the responses are so predictable: it's the husband's fault.

 

If I read the thread correctly, the OP had plenty of discussions with her about it. She had ample opportunities to tell him what the problem is - and apparently she hasn't. That is on her, not him.

 

There were a few posters in the beginning of this thread that were offering some decent advice. I had hope for a minute there until we got into how much a poor victim the wife is - you know having to touch that icky thing between his legs and all.

 

The problem is that the OP has put is wife on a pdestal and for that she devalues him. Better he should be a womanizing unemployed ex-con than be an adoring husband.

 

OP, here's my advice. Don't just stop the frequent massages for your wife - instead, make yourself less available to give them. Get a hobby that gets you out of the house a couple of days a week. Get with some friends for a guy's night out once a week or so. Be busy with stuff when you're home - like take a course in something that has homework to do.

 

This way, you've taken her away from the center of your life. You'll gain more confidence because you're learning and doing new things. And she'll now have to find ways to get your attention. And I agree with some other posters here 110% - do not approach her for sex. Act like you can take it or leave it.

 

Also here's some other advice: don't listen to anyone here that hasn't been able to get laid from his wife in years and who proudly proclaims that he can go through 3 week dry spells without noticing.

 

By the way, folks - I have a question: If the OP were to be giving one of those back massages or foot rubs to another woman - would you all be ok with that? After all, it's not intimate or anything, right?

 

 

Word .

 

While it is true that there is some relationship division of labor - i.e. women put up with many things that annoy the hell out of them yet are no big deal for guys, the pendullum has swung way, way, WAAAY too far towards the "wifey the poor victim mode" . If a husband is a basically decent guy, if he is making an honest effort to make his wife happy, if he is providing an appropriate mix of macho and caring qualities, the woman in question has nothing to complain about and should either shape up or ship out. Or, alternatively, be left behind. As hard as this may be for a loving husband, sometimes this becomes the viable option.

[Mr White]

xxoo,

I laughed when I read about your mutual pedestal placement. Ditto for us.

 

But the reason I laughed is that the true definition of putting someone on a pedestal is that you are placing them "above" you. If you elevate each other equally - then you remain equals and don't have the "problems" a pedestal creates.

.

 

Dwight from "The Office", commenting on Pam's and and Jim's relationship:

 

"I don't get it. They both can do better."

[Darth Vader]

I'm extremely frustrated. And I mean very. I'm hitting last straw territory here since this morning.

 

The last time we had any "sex" is last Friday before we went off on a weekend trip. We had 20 minutes before having to get the cab to the train and she didn't want to mess up her hair so she gave me a handjob (I'm not complaining about that, she does those well).

 

But that was after a week of no sex and we had none on our weekend trip. Yesterday at work she called me and hinted at us having sex that night when I got home. But she seemed to have forgotten all about it. When I approached her, I got shot down.

 

This morning she looked absolutely stunning, which added hugely to my frustration. I know it's counter-productive to get angry, so I try not to. But right now, I can't seem to help it. I'm really pissed off. Steaming even.

 

:mad::mad:

 

 

If she's not having sex with you, yet she's dressing up nicely, I wonder who she's dressing up nicely for? If you're no having sex with your wife, I wonder who is? Someone's banging your wife, that's for sure!

[Darth Vader]

All women are like that. Women hate sex and think it's disgusting, thats just how it is.

 

 

Nah, women love sex when it's filled with orgasms, and with the right person.

[Darth Vader]

Read this post:

 

So, if your significant other exhibits any of the following in combination, be wary:

 

1. works late

2. secret phone calls

3. doesn't answer phone, or texts

4. loss of intimacy

5. sudden need to buy sexy lingerie that you never see

6. bikini waxes and laser treatments

7. new workout regiment (usually late at night)

8. secrecy around the computer

9. sudden need for "space" and "time to think"

10. Trips to the grocery store now require suggestive clothing

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t231643/

 

 

I'd pay attention to this posting! It deserves a bump up!

 

If she's wearing thongs all of a sudden for example, when she never wore them for you, and if she's been trimming down there, well, you may want to check that one out! Then she's probably doing it for someone else! Affairs can go on for years and the BS has no idea what's going on!

[Darth Vader]

I'd pay attention to this posting! It deserves a bump up!

 

If she's wearing thongs all of a sudden for example, when she never wore them for you, and if she's been trimming down there, well, you may want to check that one out! Then she's probably doing it for someone else! Affairs can go on for years and the BS has no idea what's going on!

 

 

If she's not having an affair, it can be that she has low labido, low hormones. How old is she?

[mem11363]

Yes - we BOTH do that. She knows how special I feel she is. When we are together I simply don't really "notice" other women very much.

 

I guess I think of the pedestal as elevating him "above" all other men, and he elevates me "above" all other women.

 

I agree that it is a big problem to value your partner, or their needs, above your own. They should be equally valued.

[mem11363]

My W is overall truly wonderful. It is also true she has a list of items that "bother her" which would fill a "section" of the Encyclopedia Britannica. I am the worlds expert on that list. I consistently make a good faith effort to be in compliance with the "section". Still - some days there are hiccups. She typically reacts to them - and makes a comment but NEVER uses those hiccups as a basis for avoiding sex. One reason that does NOT happen is I lightly tease her about the "section" so she is aware of how long it is and that my mistakes represent a 95% percent success rate, as opposed to a 5% failure rate. The OTHER reason is I once asked her "do you want ME to hold YOU to a 100% compliance standard?" She thought for a bit, laughed and said "have I told you lately how much I just LOVE you?"

 

As for sex - if she didn't love me deeply enough - true love - the kind that causes you to look at a distressed partner and ask "what can I do to help the most important person in my life?" If she didn't love me enough to WANT to please me on a regular basis - in and out of bed - that would be the basis for a very honest and unfiltered conversation.

 

As for creating voltage across her arousal circuitry. My wife gets a 10 on a 10 scale for being honest about what "does it" for her even when that stuff makes our day to day life a bit more complicated.

 

It is a very rare woman who will tell her husband that he needs to boost his T levels, increase his edge, be more assertive and put her in her place when she pushes boundaries. It is very uncomfortable for many women to tell their H they want him to be more dominant / aggressive and maybe rough in bed.

 

 

Word .

 

While it is true that there is some relationship division of labor - i.e. women put up with many things that annoy the hell out of them yet are no big deal for guys, the pendullum has swung way, way, WAAAY too far towards the "wifey the poor victim mode" . If a husband is a basically decent guy, if he is making an honest effort to make his wife happy, if he is providing an appropriate mix of macho and caring qualities, the woman in question has nothing to complain about and should either shape up or ship out. Or, alternatively, be left behind. As hard as this may be for a loving husband, sometimes this becomes the viable option.