Chronological Catch 22

[jennie-jennie]

Interesting article about the subject of the mistress attending the funeral:

 

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/widows-in-weeds-mourning-mistresses--plus-ca-change-to-the-french-1323906.html

[awkward]

Interesting article about the subject of the mistress attending the funeral:

 

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/widows-in-weeds-mourning-mistresses--plus-ca-change-to-the-french-1323906.html

 

At his widow's invitation.

[jennie-jennie]

At his widow's invitation.

 

Nice. One can always hope that my MM's wife will be as understanding.

[awkward]

Nice. One can always hope that my MM's wife will be as understanding.

 

Yes you can hope. However, since she is not aware of her husband's double life it seems it would be impossible for her to be as understanding.

 

He won't acknowledge his relationship with you while he is alive so he is going to do it in death with a book left at his office. Really Jennie I have always respected the way you felt about your MM but your flippant attitude towards his wife and children is just bizarre to me and quite unexpected.

[jennie-jennie]

Yes you can hope. However, since she is not aware of her husband's double life it seems it would be impossible for her to be as understanding.

 

He won't acknowledge his relationship with you while he is alive so he is going to do it in death with a book left at his office. Really Jennie I have always respected the way you felt about your MM but your flippant attitude towards his wife and children is just bizarre to me and quite unexpected.

 

The book is a diary he is keeping. It is meant for my eyes only. So if his wife respects that she will not find out.

 

I can't understand how people can feel it is okay to shut out a woman who has had a long term relationship with a man from his funeral, especially when he has approved of her going there.

 

To me our relationship is like any other relationship, and thus I have the same right as anyone else to grieve and take farewell of such an important person in my life as my intimate partner.

 

We will just have to agree to disagree, awkward, and realize that we look at these things differently.

[awkward]

We will just have to agree to disagree, awkward, and realize that we look at these things differently.

 

It is because he felt it was okay to hide her while he was still alive.

 

I agree to disagree on the rest.

[Ellin]

Hi, Jennie!

 

I haven't read the whole long thread, but in response to your opening post I would say that no, it won't be the same quality with the spouse, because the other person is the source of the change. Copies are not the same as the original.

[silktricks]

Nice. One can always hope that my MM's wife will be as understanding.

 

Is she french? If not, she won't be .

 

Hopefully he won't die before all is sorted out. That said, I've known people (two different situations) who have lived this.

 

1. I knew the OW. The MM died. She attended the funeral and sat in the back. Since she had a known ulterior reason to be there (she had been a student), and she didn't break down while there, no one had any idea.

 

2. I knew the man and wife AND OW (it was an odd situation, which I can't explain as it would be TMI). The man died. His OW (who had been in a relationship with him for almost 20 years!!!) did not attend the funeral. The wife died one year later.

 

I don't (personally) think it's OK to take a chance on destroying the family's memories of him at that point. I understand the desire on your part to share your loss and grief, but let's face it - who would you really be sharing it with? His family? - uhhh, no. His friends? No. If you actually permitted yourself to show the level of grief you were experiencing your relationship with him would become very obvious. To "out" him at that point would make no real difference to either him or you, but it would be an act of cruelty to his family and would (IMO) taint the relationship you had with him.

 

The fact that he told you he would want you at his funeral, indicates to me that he has a lot of anger towards his family. He could not help but know what the fallout would be for them, and the fallout would last for the rest of their lives. There would be no ability for them to resolve the situation, no ability to get any kinds of explanation from him. It could devastate his children and warp the rest of their lives.

 

So, like I said in the beginning - hopefully all will be sorted out before this happens.

[BB07]

We have discussed what happens in case my MM dies. He has said that he expects me to come to his funeral. He doesn't mind if the truth comes out then. He says he is who he is and if not before his wife and children need to accept that when he is dead.

 

At his office there is a book in which it states that I should have it in case of his death. In this book there is proof of our relationship and his love for me, along with many other things laying around at the office. It is not like his wife would not find out the truth if he died.

 

 

JJ......ya know I'm not bashing you, but geez.....that is cowardly and low. He hasn't got the guts to make a change now, but to slam the people who love him and are grieving him with a double life, which they don't have knowledge of, is one of the worst things I've ever heard of. They would never recover from that.

 

Don't let him do that to his children.....OK.

[Ellin]

There would be no ability for them to resolve the situation, no ability to get any kinds of explanation from him.

 

That's a good point. If his family was to find out it would be much better for them to find out when he's alive. Do you agree, Jennie?

[jennie-jennie]

I'll go with Silk, hopefully all will be sorted out long before that happens. Now back on topic.

 

Hi, Jennie!

 

I haven't read the whole long thread, but in response to your opening post I would say that no, it won't be the same quality with the spouse, because the other person is the source of the change. Copies are not the same as the original.

 

That's what I think too.

 

I don't understand this going backwards. Once I have moved on emotionally to another man, I wouldn't even consider going back.

[jennie-jennie]

That's a good point. If his family was to find out it would be much better for them to find out when he's alive. Do you agree, Jennie?

Definitely.

[SidLyon]

What are you talking about?

 

Technically if he has a will leaving all his possessions to his family then that includes the book. For Jennie to be entitled to the book either he has to specify in the will that it is to go to her or alternatively he has to give to her while still alive, and there needs to be proof that it is her book not his.

 

So if he doesn't legally give the book to Jennie before his death it will be up to whoever inherits all his possessions as to whether she gets it. Is this his wife?

[NoIDidn't]

Technically if he has a will leaving all his possessions to his family then that includes the book. For Jennie to be entitled to the book either he has to specify in the will that it is to go to her or alternatively he has to give to her while still alive, and there needs to be proof that it is her book not his.

 

So if he doesn't legally give the book to Jennie before his death it will be up to whoever inherits all his possessions as to whether she gets it. Is this his wife?

 

I SMH when I saw that he is supposedly leaving her a "book" when he dies. Real generous considering the depth of this *relationship*.

 

Let's see. He dies and the office people tell his W that she can come and pack up his things. He's in another country so its not like Jennie will even get the chance to hurry there, or even be notified of his death (unless she watches obituaries in his country, or there is someone that knows about her). So his W packs his things and eventually, one day, finds the book. In this scenario, Jennie doesn't get the book.

 

I can't even see how she's going to go to the funeral considering how he pays for her to travel when she does. If he's dead, and being buried in another country, how exactly is she going to go to his funeral? What? She's going to find out last minute and hop a plane for bereavement but not be able to prove a R with the dead?

 

MM lives in another country. His W and family will be responsible for burying him - paying for it, logistical arrangements and the like. And like usual, he's going to have his OW just sashay in as if she'd done all the work in his real life and "pay her respects"? Just, wow. Nothing respectful about that.

 

My grandmother had six children with her MM AND is schizophrenic YET she had enough sense to stay away from his funeral. She started to go, but changed her mind at the last minute. She felt his family had enough to deal with.

 

Unbelievable. SMDH. All of this is just incredibly naive thinking. Talk about a "bubble".

[NoIDidn't]

Google "Charles Kuralt" for a story on the OW going to court over property promised her by him on his death bed.

 

To make matters worst, the court ordered his daughters to pay taxes on the land after the OW (Patricia Shannon) won in court.

 

It does happen, so I figured this story might interest some.

[BB07]

That stuff about JJ's MM leaving a book for her after his death and his callous attitude about not caring if his family would be hurt because of it, got to me and I've already said a bit about it in a prior post, but I have one more thing to say. My father died around 15 years ago, he was a serial cheater and had married his last OW. When he died I expected the OW who was long term one to come to the funeral, she did not and let me tell you I was glad she didn't. I would have found it highly disrespectful and to be quite frank......I would have been highly pissed. I get that she had to mourn, but I didn't want to see her doing it.

[NoIDidn't]

Oh, I should add (if it wasn't already assumed) that my grandmother's dead MM was my grandfather.

 

If anyone had a right to be there, I did - as did his children and grandchildren even though from that scandalous situation. His children went, and were ill-treated by his children from the current W (he had two and grandma was his OW for both marriages ).

 

I'm glad my grandmother didn't go. The abuse my mom took in nasty looks just for existing was a bit much for me. My grandmother is and was too old for that kind of nonsense. My grandfather had visited us one month before his death. He spent the most time with my grandmother. He knew he was dying and wanted to have the chance to give her a final goodbye. They looked like two teens but she was in her early 70s and he was in his mid-90s. So I totally get that the MM and OW have strong and intense feelings for each other (my grandma still calls him her soulmate and he died 15 years ago).

 

I've been charged to handle my father's funeral should he die unmarried (he's divorced thrice now). I can only imagine who's going to show up as his funeral - or what they are going to do considering his womanizing past.

 

Jennie, I know this is OT, so I apologize. It just seems relevant to the turn the thread was taking.

[bittersweet memories]

Of course I do. But he is my SO. I have a right to attend his funeral as being among those closest grieving. Are you saying they would be so heartless as to deny me that right?

 

I hope they do...they have every right. And then what jennie-jennie?

[jennie-jennie]

So from reading this thread I have now understood that my MM is mean, cruel, callous and I am heartless, naive, flippant, just to mention a few of all the negative adjectives used about us.

 

And this is a support forum?

[pureinheart]

Not meaning any disrespect to his wife, but I highly doubt guys are going to lining up at the door to date a divorcee with a litter of 6 children. Not appealing.

 

I agree with Mimo however, in that MM should sh*t or get off the pot. He's making a complete mockery of this woman's life, marriage, and family.

 

He's definitely making sure HIS needs are being met. Of that, we can be sure.

 

I know this won't make sense, it's just my experience: I know of 2 exbf's that both M women with 5 children.

 

In my area ready-made families are quite sought after and a plus, we live in an "instant" society. I never had a bf or H that didn't think of my kids as a plus, I am not sure if it was because of my kids and their behavior and respect or if they liked the idea of kids...

[pureinheart]

So from reading this thread I have now understood that my MM is mean, cruel, callous and I am heartless, naive, flippant, just to mention a few of all the negative adjectives used about us.

 

And this is a support forum?

 

My first thought was "dog pile", as in a group of people throwing themselves on one or two people trying to crush them with all weight combined.

 

ExDM and I discussed this this very same thing at one point, he also felt that I should be at his service, he also had the closest thing hidden for me (his money) and told me where it was...I told him that no way in hell was I going to his house to get it (he has a big giant dog that bites).

 

Back when we were close, I might have gone as he was my friend also, in fact me not going would have been weird to everyone. I mostlikely would have slipped in and out unless I was with all of our friends/co-workers...the family is usually at the front so I would not have been noticed.

 

Now I would not go because it would be too traumatizing and I don't need that...I would find out from his sister or brother where he is and pay my respects and receive closure in that way.

[anne1707]

So from reading this thread I have now understood that my MM is mean, cruel, callous and I am heartless, naive, flippant, just to mention a few of all the negative adjectives used about us.

 

And this is a support forum?

 

 

True support is not always about what you WANT to hear. It's more about what you NEED to hear. You can see that your suggestion that his family should accept you at his funeral has resulted in a very strong reaction of "No way". Does that not tell you something about how wrong it would be for you to go if this situation was to ever arise?

[TinaniT]

To the direction things have turned, not the original...

 

I would not have gone to MM's funeral. I had a bad dream before his divorce was really going fast that he died and I couldn't go grieve, and told him about it. As he doesn't particularly want a funeral, he didn't quite get how hard that would be. I've had enough important people die in my life to know what the funeral is for me.

 

That being said, however, were I the BS (I certainly have been before) and there was a long term extramarital relationship my husband had been having, I certainly would not have stopped OW from coming, and would have invited her if I found out. I would not want to talk him over with her or anything, but I know myself and it would seem to me to be the *right* thing to do in regards to my husband and sending him off. *shrug* but that's just me.

So there's no certain way Jennie-jennie's bs would react in that situation. And regardless, this seemed more insulting than supportive at points (not all points). If you think that is going to change a person's bebavior, you are insane.

[jennie-jennie]

And regardless, this seemed more insulting than supportive at points (not all points). If you think that is going to change a person's bebavior, you are insane.

 

I couldn't have stated it better. (Well, I wouldn't have used the word "insane", but you get the gist of it.)

[Tony]

Since this thread has moved so far off topic, we will close it. PLEASE, if you can't get to the moon and back today....STAY ON TOPIC IN OUR FORUMS. It's really not that hard. It's NOT rocket science. It takes little effort and it's such a courtesy to those who start threads.