7 years

[Joe]

Hi, my name is Joe and I need some advice or something. I am 24 and when I was 17 I fell in love with my high school crush and we started dating in senior year. Things were great in the beginning and then we went away to college. we were both faithful and then she transferred to my school. Senior year my father died and she withdrew to come home to help me through things and later finished. Then I got into medical school in New York and later that fall went to NY. We have been together for seven years now but for the last couple of years all we do is argue. She holds it against me that she transferred to my school, withdrew, and that I left her to go to New York. Along the way she has been very controlling by making me call her every night when I get home especially if I go out with my friends. She doesn't like my mother and always wants me to choose her over my mother. She is very critical of the way that I am and is constantly trying to tell me that I do not handle my emotions right, or that I am inconsiderate. That is not the case as I always spend time with her and actually feel bad going to watch a 3 hour long football game on the weeekends. But all in all I still care about her but I do not love her anymore.

 

So here is the problem. There have been several arguments that we have had that have ended in her saying that she wants to break up with me and that things are over because she doesn't like the way that things are. I count 5 times that she has said this. Well the last time was over a month ago and as usual to try and end the fight I said I was sorry even though I was not but this one really hurt. Two days later for the first time in our relationship I siad that I had enough and I was tired of trying to please her. I have a very stressful siutuation in medical school as far as finding a residency program and she expects me to return home which may be impossible. I told her that I wanted to break up and since that time I have started to fall in love with another woman in school with me who was in a similar situation that ended in December. She understands my career goals, likes the person that I am now, and says that she is willing to wait until I resolve things with my high school crush. The problem is that I am afraid to hurt girl A by telling her that things are over. I have tried to tell her that I want to breeak up but she is telling our friends that I am just mad and under a lot of stress. What should I do? How do I end it? Do I tell her about the new love in my life? Please help me!

[Taressa]

Good morning, Joe,

 

Unfortunately, your highschool sweetheart fell into a terrible habit of blame. It happens quite often to people who give a little too much, sacrifice a little too much and later find themselves in a situation a little less than what they hoped for.

 

I'm afraid she couldn't find the strength to build herself into what she hoped to be so perhaps found it easier to lay blame on you in hopes that guilt would cause you to dedicate your life to her happiness.

 

Before moving into the rebound relationship make sure that you want to end the first relationship because I suspect there is still hope if you're willing to set some limits in the relationship. If you're willing to talk honestly and calmly with her about how her blame makes you feel and if she responds in a way that makes you realize she wants to change, then put some distance between you to allow her to grow up a little. She'll have to be the one to make the changes. Give it distance so that she is the one who feels the hurt of what she has been doing.

 

As to the new relationship, please hold the reins on that one. Keep the friendship going but make sure you are healed from the past relationship before jumping into a relationship based on need. You want to be ready to offer this new girl your best and strongest. If it's love, it will wait.

[Joe]

Thanks Taressa,

 

The thing is that I have felt many times that I would like to end the current relationship. I am tired of working at things at do not have the energy to keep trying. I told her that I will try to work things out and things just get worse because I do not really want to try anymore. I really do not think of her any more than a friend and that is the worst part because I dont want to hurt her yet i do not want o continue. Should I tell her the truth that I think that I may care more about someone else???

[magicklady]

No don't tell her you have found a new love unless it is absloutley necessary. That would just hurt her for now reason. Not saying this to be mean or anything, but GET SOME BACKBONE and tell her that while it was great for awhile you guys have grown apart and it is time for you to go your seperate ways to obtain your life's dreams. If she doesn't listen.. you don't live close to her right now so just quit talking to her and she will get the message. Be firm, but tactful when dealing with her, she does have some feelings for you (even though she is abusive) and you might want to set her down as gently as possible..

 

Good luck

 

and congradulations on your new love!

[Joe]

See part of the problem is tha tshe lives in the same town currently because I had always planned on eturning home after school. She calls my house 5-6 times a day, used to check my answering machine until I changed the password, used to check my email until I changed the password, drives by my house at night. When I tell her it is over she thinks that I am just amd and that I am playing the same game that she was playing with me. That is why I think I have to tell her about the new woman or else she wont leave me alone.

[Taressa]

I think it would be fine to end the relationship. I understand how worn out you could be from the treadmill she has made of your feelings. It is fine to step away from a bad thing.

 

I think it might be a better help to her and to you if you could state the truth re. the reason you want to breakup. (I believe its her hateful blame and not the other woman that have driven you away). Let her know it is her actions that have made you decide to end the relationship. Blaming it on another woman will just rouse a woman's natural jealousy. She won't want to let you go. Lay the blame where it belongs; this will teach you to speak the truth gently to people you love and will teach her there are consequences in mistreating people she loves.

 

I'm happy for your friendship with the new woman but still urge you to take it slowly. I've seen lots of rebound relationship posts here that just didn't work out. I don't doubt your feelings for the new woman; I'm just concerned that right now your heart feels a little desperate for comfort. Let love build from strength, not desperation.

 

Most of all, now that you're pretty well decided on the breakup, do it right away. There's no need to put yourself through this and no need to keep the old sweetheart hanging in false hope. Be gentle, truthful, and firm.

 

Best wishes for a healthy new relationship and good luck in finding the residency.

[Med]

Women suck. She's only dragging you down.

 

Only tell her about the other woman if you are truely positive that it is over & you are done w/ HighSchool-Girl, cause once its outta your mouth it's over between you & girl-A.

 

Otherwise get your swerve on & have fun w/ Girl-B. It'll be difficult for the 1st few weeks/months but you'll get over it.

Hi, my name is Joe and I need some advice or something. I am 24 and when I was 17 I fell in love with my high school crush and we started dating in senior year. Things were great in the beginning and then we went away to college. we were both faithful and then she transferred to my school. Senior year my father died and she withdrew to come home to help me through things and later finished. Then I got into medical school in New York and later that fall went to NY. We have been together for seven years now but for the last couple of years all we do is argue. She holds it against me that she transferred to my school, withdrew, and that I left her to go to New York. Along the way she has been very controlling by making me call her every night when I get home especially if I go out with my friends. She doesn't like my mother and always wants me to choose her over my mother. She is very critical of the way that I am and is constantly trying to tell me that I do not handle my emotions right, or that I am inconsiderate. That is not the case as I always spend time with her and actually feel bad going to watch a 3 hour long football game on the weeekends. But all in all I still care about her but I do not love her anymore. So here is the problem. There have been several arguments that we have had that have ended in her saying that she wants to break up with me and that things are over because she doesn't like the way that things are. I count 5 times that she has said this. Well the last time was over a month ago and as usual to try and end the fight I said I was sorry even though I was not but this one really hurt. Two days later for the first time in our relationship I siad that I had enough and I was tired of trying to please her. I have a very stressful siutuation in medical school as far as finding a residency program and she expects me to return home which may be impossible. I told her that I wanted to break up and since that time I have started to fall in love with another woman in school with me who was in a similar situation that ended in December. She understands my career goals, likes the person that I am now, and says that she is willing to wait until I resolve things with my high school crush. The problem is that I am afraid to hurt girl A by telling her that things are over. I have tried to tell her that I want to breeak up but she is telling our friends that I am just mad and under a lot of stress. What should I do? How do I end it? Do I tell her about the new love in my life? Please help me!

[jessi]

I agree with magiclady on this one. Keep it quiet about the new love in your life...she will just be hurt. You seriously need to tell her that this is it....be honest now about how you feel and it will be better for both of you in the long run. Be firm, and dont sugar coat it....let her know you love her and care about her, but you are not in love with her anymore.

 

Also, you said she calls a lot and drives by your house....get a caller id, dont answer when her # comes up. Park your car in the garage or on a side street, etc. Sounds like she has no trust for you anyways, and trust is the backbone of any relationship. Good luck with everything.

No don't tell her you have found a new love unless it is absloutley necessary. That would just hurt her for now reason. Not saying this to be mean or anything, but GET SOME BACKBONE and tell her that while it was great for awhile you guys have grown apart and it is time for you to go your seperate ways to obtain your life's dreams. If she doesn't listen.. you don't live close to her right now so just quit talking to her and she will get the message. Be firm, but tactful when dealing with her, she does have some feelings for you (even though she is abusive) and you might want to set her down as gently as possible.. Good luck and congradulations on your new love!

[lisa]

Joe, I WAS this girl in a past relationship (very young and insecure). I can tell you that she is feeling that she is not a big part of your life anymore and is trying to hang on to you by trying to 'fight' you into being who she thinks she needs you to be. BREAK IT OFF! Let her know it is for her sake as well as yours. I needed to be my own person, and I needed out of my high school sweethearts life so I could become self reliant. She is trying to rely on you to provide her with things she needs to find for herself, on her own. While it was very painful to break up, I learned so much about myself from that relationship (during and after). And I think your saying that she will not accept your breaking up with her is somewhat of a cop out on your part, maybe your subconcious resistance to letting go someone who was such a huge and helpful part of your life for so long. Try telling her how much you have enjoyed your time together, but it's not enjoyable anymore and that this relationship has run it's course. Be firm, calm, and caring in your delivery. Do not give her something to cling to (ie.- I will always love you). Hard as it may be for you to let go, you want to and need to and so does she.

 

As for the rebound girl, I know people constantly talk about how bad rebound relationships can be, but they have there place in life and love. Just don't run off and marry this new girl right away. Enjoy the thrill of the new- but don't forget that while 'girl A' needs to find her own strength and independence, so do you. 7 years is a long time to rely on someone. So rebound away, enjoy, keep it easy, and get on with your life.

I agree with magiclady on this one. Keep it quiet about the new love in your life...she will just be hurt. You seriously need to tell her that this is it....be honest now about how you feel and it will be better for both of you in the long run. Be firm, and dont sugar coat it....let her know you love her and care about her, but you are not in love with her anymore.

 

Also, you said she calls a lot and drives by your house....get a caller id, dont answer when her # comes up. Park your car in the garage or on a side street, etc. Sounds like she has no trust for you anyways, and trust is the backbone of any relationship. Good luck with everything.

 

[betv]

quit being a wienie and end it. you're too nice for your own good!

I think it would be fine to end the relationship. I understand how worn out you could be from the treadmill she has made of your feelings. It is fine to step away from a bad thing. I think it might be a better help to her and to you if you could state the truth re. the reason you want to breakup. (I believe its her hateful blame and not the other woman that have driven you away). Let her know it is her actions that have made you decide to end the relationship. Blaming it on another woman will just rouse a woman's natural jealousy. She won't want to let you go. Lay the blame where it belongs; this will teach you to speak the truth gently to people you love and will teach her there are consequences in mistreating people she loves. I'm happy for your friendship with the new woman but still urge you to take it slowly. I've seen lots of rebound relationship posts here that just didn't work out. I don't doubt your feelings for the new woman; I'm just concerned that right now your heart feels a little desperate for comfort. Let love build from strength, not desperation.

 

Most of all, now that you're pretty well decided on the breakup, do it right away. There's no need to put yourself through this and no need to keep the old sweetheart hanging in false hope. Be gentle, truthful, and firm. Best wishes for a healthy new relationship and good luck in finding the residency.