cypresa Posted June 10, 2010 Share Posted June 10, 2010 I'm not writing this to ask for advice. Just maybe, someone will read this and not make the mistakes I've made since i split up from my ex 1 year ago. We split up because he couldn't commit and did lots of bouts of NC and then contact. We saw each other lots, always after him asking. Everyone on LS always told me not to go. I was under the delusion that perhaps with each time i had contact with him, he would realise his 'mistake'. He hadn't met someone else and ovbiously still cared after all. Most ex's don't hang around as much as he has... hope is a horrible thing. it made me not move on. For 1 whole year. I cut off contact completely 2 months ago after strong advice here. After a bit of time He replied with an email begging to see me to have a proper conversation - saying he missed me lots and was uncertain and confused about why we broke up. I relented. Met him last night and it was the same old thing - i miss you but i can't commit to forever and he needs to figure out who he is and what he wants. (he is still single - as am I). He knows if he comes back to me it is for a commited relationship and could potentially be 'forever'. And he just doesn't know if he wants that. Lesson to be learnt. Never have contact with 'hope'. The only hope to be had is if they turn around and fight for you, to be back with you. Not wishy washy, hi how are you? texts and emails. If they are certain in their mind about you - they will let you know!!!! and now i am back to square 1. feeling like I've been dumped all over again. This all could have been avoided if i had stayed strong and done NC from the start. Please don't do what I did. Keep strong LS'ers xxx Link to post Share on other sites
This Hurts Posted June 10, 2010 Share Posted June 10, 2010 Thank you for the reassurance, cypresa! Contact is a very tricky thing. There's a user on here, I think it's northstar, that said he was in contact for 6 months and he moved on in only 8 months after going NC. I think very few people can move on while being in contact, and for most of us NC is the only way that we'll ever move on. I think you're one of those people, too. But I think the only way NC can work is if you go into it knowing 100% moving on is what you want to do, and you don't want to reconcile. Link to post Share on other sites
Ilovecake Posted June 10, 2010 Share Posted June 10, 2010 Yeah my ex and I broke up several times and it was always, him coming back with I love you I want to be with you but I'm not the marrying type. I always said the only way I'll take you back is if it's forever. he swore it was over and over. The third time he dumped me he became the marrying type, to the girl he dumped me for. Lesson learned don’t stay with someone who’s not willing to fully commit if that’s what you are looking for. The only reason they’re not committing to you is because they’re still looking for someone else. You’re just conveniently and comfortably there until they find that someone else. You're that old blanket they keep because they're used to it but really they want a new blanket and when they find it the old one is in the trash. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cypresa Posted June 10, 2010 Author Share Posted June 10, 2010 I do believe there's some truth in that, Ilovecake. Boys saying they're not ready to commit to a relationship. But in reality, they just don't want to commit to You. Although saying that, i have 2 very close friends boyfriends' dumped them saying they didn't love them and they didn't want to settle down - only to come back a year later and be ready. Needing the time apart to realise what they had couldn't be found anywhere else. I went to both of their weddings! and one of them is about to have a baby. I guess I had that in the back of my mind in my situation. Believing that he would realise that no one would compare! very delusional on my part! Link to post Share on other sites
kickintheaz Posted June 10, 2010 Share Posted June 10, 2010 I do believe there's some truth in that, Ilovecake. Boys saying they're not ready to commit to a relationship. But in reality, they just don't want to commit to You. Although saying that, i have 2 very close friends boyfriends' dumped them saying they didn't love them and they didn't want to settle down - only to come back a year later and be ready. Needing the time apart to realise what they had couldn't be found anywhere else. I went to both of their weddings! and one of them is about to have a baby. I guess I had that in the back of my mind in my situation. Believing that he would realise that no one would compare! very delusional on my part! not delusional Cypresa... you can just see how it would be great and would all work out.. went through similar except I went from being the commitment phobe and dumping her to her being the commitment phobe and rejecting me... you know what you want in life, that is fantastic.. now ya just gotta go find someone with similar outlook on life.... maybe this guy wasn't your soulmate, maybe he was just a signpost towards your soulmate.. and just cos it worked out for others, you can't be sure the same would happen for you.. you know where you stand now with him, its taken a year, but take the lessons you've learned in that year and move with them.. tough i know, but remember that someday somewhere someone will walk into your life and make you realise why it didn't work out with anyone else!!! (at least thats what I telling me!!!) mind yourself cypresa.. (((hugs))) Link to post Share on other sites
mickleb Posted June 10, 2010 Share Posted June 10, 2010 I know you're hurting now, cypresa and I wish I could take that pain away from you but, you know what? You've actually taken the source of it away, yourself. And that is so empowering. Whatever pain you are experiencing now, you will heal from. So, despite the fact that it hurts like hell, you can look forward to when it is over. It will end now. And when you realise just how strong you have been and how well you have treated yourself, you will begin to feel happier than you ever have before. I am SO proud of you. I think you are awesome. And it is so kind of you to come here and help others to be strong, too. Good to see you back on the right road, cypresa. This one will take you where you really want to be. x Link to post Share on other sites
Ilovecake Posted June 10, 2010 Share Posted June 10, 2010 I do believe there's some truth in that, Ilovecake. Boys saying they're not ready to commit to a relationship. But in reality, they just don't want to commit to You. Although saying that, i have 2 very close friends boyfriends' dumped them saying they didn't love them and they didn't want to settle down - only to come back a year later and be ready. Needing the time apart to realise what they had couldn't be found anywhere else. I went to both of their weddings! and one of them is about to have a baby. I guess I had that in the back of my mind in my situation. Believing that he would realise that no one would compare! very delusional on my part! See this is why I completely think I'm destined to never get married. I could never in a million years take a guy back after he decided to leave me, try something new and then come back when he was all out of options. I was actually talking to my shrink about this a few months a go and how I'm coming to the conclusion that I'm just not submissive enough for a relationship. I could not live with myself knowing I was the last alternative. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cypresa Posted June 10, 2010 Author Share Posted June 10, 2010 it wasn't quite like that, Ilovecake. I know cause I interegated them! The boys in question just didn't find anyone that even came close to their ex's. That everyone else paled into insignificance. No last resort about it. They just realised that they had already found the person they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with. And i think part of it was that they awoke to the fact that no one is perfect and to be more accepting... they are in both much stronger relationships because of their break let me tell you! And to everyone else - thank you so much for your kind words. This wasn't the sad story I wanted to end up telling here. But, such is life. And there is much to be grateful for in mine. Link to post Share on other sites
paleblue Posted June 11, 2010 Share Posted June 11, 2010 Couldn’t agree with you more cypresa. Unfortunately for lots of people (including myself) its something you have to go thru to really find out. No one can tell you not too because you are not going to listen (including myself). Cant tell you how many times I went back and forth with my betrayer. Always holding out hope that her light bulb would go off. nope! NOw mine wants to be friends. Even worse as far as I am concerned. I feel like I am selling myself short if I did so. Its insulting to me. I changed my cell phone number. It was a pain but it helps removes temptation. Plus they can’t just send you random texts. You almost begin to feel “safer” that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Nikki Sahagin Posted June 11, 2010 Share Posted June 11, 2010 I have to agree that most people that say 'i'm scared, i'm confused, I don't want to settle down' will all settle down at some stage. It just means they aren't sure about you and potentially think they can do better. There are always exceptions to every rule, some people really do get scared and confused maybe because of prior damage or an abusive relationship, but if they aren't prepared to sort that out for you, or at least explain it to you, then they are just keeping you there as the secure one waiting at home for them whilst their out exploring the rest of their options. I went through that when my ex and me broke up, got back together and he spent his time out on the weekends without me and on msn flirting with girls. Link to post Share on other sites
lullaby Posted June 11, 2010 Share Posted June 11, 2010 Yes. I'm going through something similar and I'm afraid I may have the same outcome. It's quite a long story and won't bore you with this, but my ex always around but not fully committing to a reconciliation. It's been only for a month and I'm getting tired already unless he really sees his wrong and do something about it, otherwise, I will go full NC and go through the necessary hurtful process of the total break up. It's good to see so many positive advices and people providing so much strength to those in need. Thanks cypresa for sharing your story and warning others. You can read my post and see what I mean with the similarities. Be strong! Link to post Share on other sites
Author cypresa Posted June 12, 2010 Author Share Posted June 12, 2010 paleblue - that is it isn't it? no matter how many people tell you to do whats best, you really won't listen until you reach your end point. And everyone's end point is different. Mine came after a year, but at least i got there in the end! and Nikki, I think life and relationships are all about timing too. Some people are just at different stages in their life. For me the next one to come along i will definitely make sure we are on the same page before getting involved. No more commitment phobes for me! funny enough I am not as upset as i thought i would be. I guess i have already grieved this relationship and now it's almost a bit of relief! i no longer have to worry or stress about why he is texting me or not. or try and interpret his contact... I can finally and totally move on knowing there will be no more contact forever. Lullaby - I've written to you on your thread about your situation. I can see many parallels. Although i am strongly rooting that your's will turn out differently to mine. x Link to post Share on other sites
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