Wife's friend

[califnan]

Your wife's best friend is your wife's best friend. Not yours. She didn't owe you a report on her infidelity QUOTE]

 

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Yes, Back to square one.. The problem is - and always has been the wife - take her or leave her .. And you have decided to take her ..So unfortuneatly, all of the leftover fall-out from the affair.

[Maladjusted]

Your wife's best friend is your wife's best friend. Not yours. She didn't owe you a report on her infidelity and it sounds like now that you do know, she's offering some advice on how you're blind to some of your wife's real needs. Get over her friend. Tell her thanks for sharing but don't be an a-hole and confront her about loyalties to you. She had and has none and that's her prerogative.

 

I know that she doesn't owe me anything. I know that I owe her nothing (except to be as cordial as I can manage when she's around). I hadn't planned on confronting her about anything, because as you said, she doesn't owe me anything. She doesn't like it when I go out of town, as if she felt I might cheat on her.

 

When she referenced insecurities of my wife, they are ones I already know about and honestly, can do nothing to fix. They are mainly vanity issues concerning her appearance which she has had since I met her. One insecurity issue I will share:

 

I recently went to see some old friends and she was extremely jealous (even called some numbers on my cell phone log) to see who I was calling. This perplexes me, because I would never do anything to jeopardize my family.

[Maladjusted]

Your wife's best friend is your wife's best friend. Not yours. She didn't owe you a report on her infidelity QUOTE]

 

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Yes, Back to square one.. The problem is - and always has been the wife - take her or leave her .. And you have decided to take her ..So unfortuneatly, all of the leftover fall-out from the affair.

 

Too true I'm afraid.

[Bryanp]

It sounds to me that your wife has been in damage control and has not told you the whole truth. The boyfriend coming to the house is a good example. I would strongly suggest that you provide a polygraph test for your wife and get the answers you need to know. Not only do you need to know these answers but you have a right to know as well.

[Maladjusted]

OK, Mal, you know your situation, best. I really don't know what you could have said. Maybe just changing the subject is all you CAN do.

 

Thanks Joe. I appreciate your insight......and that is what I did do, but boy, what an awkward situation.

[califnan]

It sounds to me that your wife has been in damage control and has not told you the whole truth. The boyfriend coming to the house is a good example. I would strongly suggest that you provide a polygraph test for your wife and get the answers you need to know. Not only do you need to know these answers but you have a right to know as well.

 

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Are you for real ..

[Maladjusted]

Thanks Bryan, but I think a polygraph would be going a little too far. She's regained my trust, I just want to come to a place where she can be open and honest and talk about it freely instead of an interrogation.

[bentnotbroken]

You are right in the fact that I should have forgiven her friend for as well. What makes it hard is when she comes over to the house for a visit. I know I should forgive her. I am not very friendly with her at my wife knows it.

 

I hesitate in bringing this up to my wife simply because it's one of her only friends, and we never talk about what happened previously anymore.

 

You are also right in that she likes drama and gossip. God knows what jokes/remarks she and her husband made about it.

 

Not only would I have nothing to do with her friend, I would tell her to her face why. She isn't a friend of marriage or healthy relationships for that matter. You have a right to your feelings and you don't need to justify them to her or your wife.

[turnera]

Thanks Bryan, but I think a polygraph would be going a little too far. She's regained my trust, I just want to come to a place where she can be open and honest and talk about it freely instead of an interrogation.

Like I said, if you can't be honest, what kind of relationship do you have?

 

It sounds a little more like you were scared she'd leave you, so you took her back and kind of promised to drop the subject so she wouldn't leave. Now it's biting you in the butt.

 

Tell her the truth.

[Mimolicious]

First. What ever her BFF knew was NOT for the BFF to tell you. At the end of the day her loyalty is to your W and your W's loyalty is to you. That's that.

 

Her opinion about your W fair but out of place! If she has any critism towards your W, then why doesn't she discuss it with her? Why tell you?

 

Something that I sense as a red flag here is the fact that you say that your W has hardly any "good friends" left. Can it be that your W deteriorates her friendships?

 

You'd be surprised, BFF's get tired of toxic friendships too and lash out in the wrong way.

 

I'm just saying...

[Mimolicious]

If she were truly sorry that she didn't tell you, then she had the change to say just that. It seems she was fishing for YOUR reaction in hopes to maybe cause some problems, create drama. This woman is NOT a good friend, she's nosey too.

 

You have every right to not like her.

 

Interesting. If she would have thrown his W under the bus few years ago... she would also not be such a "good friend". Nosey? She minded her business before!

 

I'm not an avocate of the BFF but for her to say that your wife has "insecurities" and she doesn't handle them too well maybe she is trying to tell you this time around how your W fills the void of those "insecurities".

[Maladjusted]

Like I said, if you can't be honest, what kind of relationship do you have?

 

It sounds a little more like you were scared she'd leave you, so you took her back and kind of promised to drop the subject so she wouldn't leave. Now it's biting you in the butt.

 

Tell her the truth.

 

I was honestly blindsided so hard by it I don't know what I was. Startled, scared, afraid, you name it. We had just had a son 11 months previous to this.

 

Scared, probably. Even though I know if someone would drop you that easily, they probably aren't worth. I guess it is an irrational fear.

 

I think I will do that. I am just not sure when/how to. What is I am trying to gain? I am still figuring that out.

[Maladjusted]

First. What ever her BFF knew was NOT for the BFF to tell you. At the end of the day her loyalty is to your W and your W's loyalty is to you. That's that.

 

Her opinion about your W fair but out of place! If she has any critism towards your W, then why doesn't she discuss it with her? Why tell you?

 

Something that I sense as a red flag here is the fact that you say that your W has hardly any "good friends" left. Can it be that your W deteriorates her friendships?

 

You'd be surprised, BFF's get tired of toxic friendships too and lash out in the wrong way.

 

I'm just saying...

 

I might have misspoke. She never really has had a lot of friends. She has a few friends, but compared to my they are mostly shallow, on the surface type relationships. Friendly acquaintances if you will.

 

This friend is really her only confidant.

[Maladjusted]

Interesting. If she would have thrown his W under the bus few years ago... she would also not be such a "good friend". Nosey? She minded her business before!

 

I'm not an avocate of the BFF but for her to say that your wife has "insecurities" and she doesn't handle them too well maybe she is trying to tell you this time around how your W fills the void of those "insecurities".

 

I think I see what you are saying. Like if her insecurities are her looks, then what boosts that security is looks from men, etc. Am I right or am I way off base?

[Snowflower]

 

I hesitate in bringing this up to my wife simply because it's one of her only friends, and we never talk about what happened previously anymore.

 

I don't really have any advice about the friend. Who knows why people do what they do...she could have brought it up as a way to apologize ("I didn't say anything before and I should have so I'm saying something now.") Pretty weak-azzed of her, but possible. She could be looking for drama/gossip, she could be warning you about something, who knows!

 

What concerns me is the fact that you never talk about what happened previously anymore. Even the way you word the sentence is concerning, IMO. (not bashing you...commiserating as another BS). Why not say, "we never talk about her AFFAIR anymore," because that is what happened.

 

To me, this sounds like you and your wife have swept the whole affair under the rug. It hasn't isn't being dealt with in a healthy way.

 

I'm about at the same time frame as you are with regards to my H's affair, nearly 2 years ago now and d-day was 18 months ago. My H and I are now struggling with how to talk about it and our feelings about it. Obviously, we don't need to/want to talk about it nearly as much but it still is there at times. It gets more difficult as time goes on. We are reconciling well (except for a bump that we are going through now) but the issue is difficult and the tendency is to avoid it.

 

You and your wife shouldn't avoid it either...and that is what it sounds like you and your wife are doing, at least to me. Otherwise, I don't think this friend's off-hand comments would have bothered you so much and if you were bothered, you would have been able to talk to your wife about it.

[Mimolicious]

I think I see what you are saying. Like if her insecurities are her looks, then what boosts that security is looks from men, etc. Am I right or am I way off base?

 

 

Well, I didn't want to give it to you THAT hard but...

 

You said that your W's insecurities relate to vanity. If she's vain, then she may seek outside approval and attention to strike her ego. Remember, at the end of the day her BFF knows her in a different light. Lord knows, you may be judging her BFF for being a witch and she's really just trying to spare you further heartbreak. BFF probably sees how your W acts outside of the home and recognizes what a wonderful, full of grace H you are and is calling it like she sees it. (this time around)

[Maladjusted]

I don't really have any advice about the friend. Who knows why people do what they do...she could have brought it up as a way to apologize ("I didn't say anything before and I should have so I'm saying something now.") Pretty weak-azzed of her, but possible. She could be looking for drama/gossip, she could be warning you about something, who knows!

 

What concerns me is the fact that you never talk about what happened previously anymore. Even the way you word the sentence is concerning, IMO. (not bashing you...commiserating as another BS). Why not say, "we never talk about her AFFAIR anymore," because that is what happened.

 

To me, this sounds like you and your wife have swept the whole affair under the rug. It hasn't isn't being dealt with in a healthy way.

 

I'm about at the same time frame as you are with regards to my H's affair, nearly 2 years ago now and d-day was 18 months ago. My H and I are now struggling with how to talk about it and our feelings about it. Obviously, we don't need to/want to talk about it nearly as much but it still is there at times. It gets more difficult as time goes on. We are reconciling well (except for a bump that we are going through now) but the issue is difficult and the tendency is to avoid it.

 

You and your wife shouldn't avoid it either...and that is what it sounds like you and your wife are doing, at least to me. Otherwise, I don't think this friend's off-hand comments would have bothered you so much and if you were bothered, you would have been able to talk to your wife about it.

 

True, which poses my next question: At what point do you stop talking about it? A friend of mine told me to let it go, or else risk the marriage failing.

[turnera]

What is I am trying to gain? I am still figuring that out.

Your best friend?

[turnera]

True, which poses my next question: At what point do you stop talking about it? A friend of mine told me to let it go, or else risk the marriage failing.

Say WHAT?!

 

Right, so you just become a doormat, and stuff your feelings, so that you don't 'upset' your former wayward spouse and spook them and cause them to leave.

 

Right......

[Maladjusted]

Well, I didn't want to give it to you THAT hard but...

 

You said that your W's insecurities relate to vanity. If she's vain, then she may seek outside approval and attention to strike her ego. Remember, at the end of the day her BFF knows her in a different light. Lord knows, you may be judging her BFF for being a witch and she's really just trying to spare you further heartbreak. BFF probably sees how your W acts outside of the home and recognizes what a wonderful, full of grace H you are and is calling it like she sees it. (this time around)

 

Eh, I tend to think its drama more than anything else. I'll give you an example. This friend caught me smoking a cigarette (I had recently confessed to quitting but still snuck one here and there) and immediately called my wife to tell her, setting off an argument.

[Snowflower]

True, which poses my next question: At what point do you stop talking about it? A friend of mine told me to let it go, or else risk the marriage failing.

 

Okay, did your friend who told you to let it go also experience infidelity? If not, then his suggestion is not valid.

 

You will be able 'to let it go' when you are ready--not before. Sometimes the marriage does fail as a result of the BS "inability" to let it go.

 

It's exactly why recovering a marriage after infidelity is so difficult.

 

I think your question above is as individual as you are so it's really difficult to answer.

 

But my answer is this...you need to talk about it however you need to.

 

I still want to talk to my H about MY FEELINGS about what happened. How I feel in terms of my own healing, my thoughts about his affair, sometimes it's questions (although not the repeated who, what, when, where, why of the early times when I was getting all the facts), how I feel now, etc.

 

My H has a hard time with this because he doesn't like to remember what he did wrong. He was always extremely remorseful and did confess his A to me as a result.

 

I also think men and women tend to be different about remembering and rehashing things. Women tend to remember longer and in more detail about emotional matters than men so it was surprising to me when you said in your OP that your wife's A was almost 2 years ago (like my H's) and you had forgiven and moved on. I'm not at that place yet because I still think about it a lot.

 

Does this make sense? Not sure if I'm helping you or not but I recognize your confusion as being somewhat similar to my own.

[turnera]

What have you done in the last two years to improve your marriage?

[Maladjusted]

Okay, did your friend who told you to let it go also experience infidelity? If not, then his suggestion is not valid.

 

 

My H has a hard time with this because he doesn't like to remember what he did wrong. He was always extremely remorseful and did confess his A to me as a result.

 

I also think men and women tend to be different about remembering and rehashing things. Women tend to remember longer and in more detail about emotional matters than men so it was surprising to me when you said in your OP that your wife's A was almost 2 years ago (like my H's) and you had forgiven and moved on. I'm not at that place yet because I still think about it a lot.

 

Does this make sense? Not sure if I'm helping you or not but I recognize your confusion as being somewhat similar to my own.

 

Yes, he did go through the same thing. The exception was that his marriage didn't make it and his wife left him for the other man.

 

I love her, and of course forgave her. Forgetting has been a bit harder and not sure that will ever happen. Other than some of the issues I mentioned here and one other I haven't mentioned, things are fine.

 

My wife, like your husband, doesn't like recalling what happened, AT ALL.

 

Yes, you make perfect sense, right there in the same boat with you.

[Maladjusted]

What have you done in the last two years to improve your marriage?

 

I had my faults. I was in an extremely negative position in my life at that time and made no bones about being unhappy, professionally, scholastically, and geographically. I was an extremely opinionated person who had no qualms about letting my thoughts known about anything and everything regardless of who's feelings I hurt or who I offended. That in turn had an effect on my marriage.

 

What I did was start listening more, and stopped speaking less. I stopped making callous or cold remarks and started making true time for my wife, my children, and I. I stopped thinking about myself less and my wife and my family more. My entire behavioral profile shifted.

 

I wasn't a bad or even neglectful husband/father, there was just room for improvement.

[Church Bells]

Eh, I tend to think its drama more than anything else. I'll give you an example. This friend caught me smoking a cigarette (I had recently confessed to quitting but still snuck one here and there) and immediately called my wife to tell her, setting off an argument.

 

Soooo ... your W has no problem at all with conflict directed at YOU, but you won't screw up your courage enough to even be honest with her about what it is about the car that bothers you.

 

She can screw other men and make you accept it without explanation, but you aren't allowed the comfort of a cigarette to calm your nerves.

 

The more you post, the clearer the picture is ... you are WHIPPED ... you have admitted as much ... and you have also made it clear that you intend to do NOTHING about it.

 

You are simply where you are ... because you CHOOSE TO BE!!!