My Ex and His Rebound

[processing]

I know I should be moving on but tonight I'm just having a crappy time and feel like ranting.

 

My ex begin dating his new friend two months ago. He met her three months ago while we were dating and claimed they were just friends then gave me the old ILYBNILWY speech once I busted him on talking to her inappropriately.

 

In the last two months he's been checking my fb out (he's told me - we're not friends but he can see photos) and my blogs/websites and eventually made contact with me a couple of times. We had pretty decent conversations, a few lasting hours via internet just like old days but it's NOT like old days, he's dating someone new. I asked him what his intentions were and his evasive answer was all I needed to know that he was probably intending to keep me on a back burner AND have me help feed his ego.

 

Anyways... a friend asked me today what was going on with him and his new girl, I guess they begin playing fb flirty games. I told them we weren't dating any longer and what he does is... none of my business.

 

But between you and me it bothers the heck out of me. 2 years we were together. And in 2 months he is acting like this woman is the love of his life. They fast forwarded without him even taking a breath.

 

But what gets me is that fine if she's the love of your life, why try to keep in contact with me? Go. Be happy. Live in joy. Leave me out of it. Let me heal and move on. I told this to our mutual friend too btw, no more info sharing. I really don't want to know what he's up to.

 

Still... I just think wow, has he really fallen in love with this woman in this short of time? And maybe I WAS the rebound as he was in a failed relationship about 9 months after I met him, though he dated others, now that we're broken up and he's found "love" in another's arms so quickly maybe I really didn't mean that much to him.

 

Can you really just fall in love with someone that quickly? Is this a typical rebound? Why flaunt it all over fb? He's 34! I mean we just broke up 2 months ago. It cheapens our relationship I feel.

 

I'm mostly angry with him for continuing to try to contact me even with her in the picture. I am also angry that he felt the need to lie to me multiple times. And well, that he used the whole ILYBNILWY line, then said "Let's be friends!". Please. I guess he took me for granted in the old relationship and is still taking me for granted now. Why on EARTH would he think that I'd be okay with just being his friend?

 

Alas the last time I spoke with him, he never really thought he did anything wrong anyways. He thought that just because they were friends only and didn't begin a relationship until after we broke up that he wasn't cheating. So he feels no remorse. Only upset that he's made me upset. And as I constantly reminded him... not only lost a lover but a good friend.

 

I guess we go up and down. I was fine, until he contacted me, then crappy, then fine, then he contacted me again and now I feel crappy, stressed and pissed.

[Heatemyheart89]

Maybe he has fallen in love with her. But hey all good things come to an end right?

Dont worry about what he does cut the contact seriously its for your own good

[Ilovecake]

First of all I don't believe in rebounds, I truly think that it's just a way for the person who was left to make themselves feel meaningful to the dumper. Secondly who cares who the rebound was. I know it hurts to find out that your ex is dating someone new but that is why you need to stop all communication with this guy, which includes blocking him from seeing your facebook and you seeing his. Every time you look at his page it will halt your healing process.

[processing]

First of all I don't believe in rebounds, I truly think that it's just a way for the person who was left to make themselves feel meaningful to the dumper. Secondly who cares who the rebound was. I know it hurts to find out that your ex is dating someone new but that is why you need to stop all communication with this guy, which includes blocking him from seeing your facebook and you seeing his. Every time you look at his page it will halt your healing process.

 

Ilovecake - I never said I went to his fb page - Oh I see where you might have gotten confused. I said I was talking with a friend who mentioned to me what was going on as they didn't know we had broken up AND he had moved on. I didn't mention it to her. In fact, I deleted all of our his friends because I didn't want to know anything. Did that the first day we broke up. Had no problem deleting him/them.

 

I do care who the rebound was because that person entered our lives while I was still there. Not after. She was his "just a friend" but my intuition told me not to ignore things. So I didn't. And here we are. If she had come after, it wouldn't have bothered me much, I've been in relationships where that's happened - didn't care who came after me. But while I'm there? Yes it hurts because it's crap.

 

But besides that, I know I'm meaningful to the dumper - if I weren't he'd not be trying to contact me and befriend me. Doing/saying things that he knows will tug on my heart strings. We had a great two years together, just the last few months where uncertainty on his part were an issue. And then he found a shiny new toy and suddenly he's ready to settle down and marry her. It could be guilt, but knowing him and how he does like to remain friends with his exes... it might be something different. However, he never cheated on any other of his exes so of course their reactions will be much different than mine.

 

I do however believe in rebounds. That's where you and I and many others differ. I'm not sure if I was one is what I'm saying not. I'm not sure if she is one but I suspect so using the definition of a rebound. If one isn't healed and then goes into another relationship right away... that's why I'm wondering if I actually was one. That he wasn't really ready to be in a serious relationship.

 

The only thing halting my healing process is him contacting me which is what I said before and it's angering me. I've blocked him from email, fb but I'll be damned if I'm going to change the phone number I've had for five years to run away from him. I have enough will power not to respond to him... but admittedly I have looked at what he's written which has been nothing more than a fishing expedition. And THATS what pisses me off.

[processing]

Yeah today is really really bad. I feel pretty much destroyed. I guess it's about time. I hadn't gone through this stage/emotion. But man today (and yesterday) I feel like the rug has been pulled out from underneath me and the weight of everything is heavy.

 

The thing is... I don't want him anymore. That's the funny thing of it all. The moment he began talking to another woman behind my back AND telling me eventually that he loved me but was not in love with me. All the feelings of wanting to be with him disappeared. I don't. I guess I'm just grieving the end of the relationship and grieving the what ifs. And... the loss. I lost someone I considered a friend and thought he'd be there for awhile. Because he cheated I can't even have him in my life as a friend. That's the sad thing about it. If he hadn't we could have been eventually. But not now.

[chapter44]

Processing let me say I am sorry for you are going through. I went through a very similar situation a little over 2 months ago. What I can tell you is this - time, no contact and taking care of yourself will make you feel much stronger. It might not seem that way now or during your moments of weakness but eventually those negative feelings will subside. I went through the exact same stages, how could someone I loved and was engaged to do that before I had even moved out of the house we shared? The simple truth is you will never know and would it change anything if you did? The facts are that they are not the people we thought they were, there is no respect, loyalty, or integrity within people like that. I am so grateful that I found this out before I actually got married - saved me alot of heartache down the road.

 

I was hard, but everyday I am getting stronger and you will to. I don't look at her FB, ask questions about her (her stepfather is my business partner), I go out of my to avoid driving by her house, anything I can do to avoid hearing or seeing what she is doing. Honestly I could care less about who or what she is doing. Once you get stronger you will realize that he doesn't deserve you or your love. One day you will find someone who is worthy of you and what you have to offer. Until then allow yourself your feelings and one day you will wake up and it wont matter what he does.

 

Best to you and stay strong!

[processing]

chapter44 - thanks I feel a heck of a lot better right now after talking with my best friend about nothing in particular mostly and a little about the ex. Brightened my day. Thankfully I've never been the type to think there's not other fish in the sea. I know I'll meet someone else when I'm ready I've absolutely no problems there. I'm just waiting. I don't want to rebound want to make sure it's right. And thankfully I've never had any desires to contact the ex... I can't pretend to be happy, I'm angry at him and it comes out. I answered HIS contact with me after a week of poking by him and asked what his intentions were. His wishy washy answer was all I needed to know and told him not to contact me anymore.

 

But he will. Eventually. There's nothing left for me to say to him right now however.

 

Ugh. Honestly... I thought this was it. I thought we were going down the road of marriage as we'd spoken about it and kids and the future and I was so happy to know I'd never have to be in the dating pool again.

[Ilovecake]

Ilovecake - I never said I went to his fb page - Oh I see where you might have gotten confused. I said I was talking with a friend who mentioned to me what was going on as they didn't know we had broken up AND he had moved on. I didn't mention it to her. In fact, I deleted all of our his friends because I didn't want to know anything. Did that the first day we broke up. Had no problem deleting him/them.

 

I do care who the rebound was because that person entered our lives while I was still there. Not after. She was his "just a friend" but my intuition told me not to ignore things. So I didn't. And here we are. If she had come after, it wouldn't have bothered me much, I've been in relationships where that's happened - didn't care who came after me. But while I'm there? Yes it hurts because it's crap.

 

But besides that, I know I'm meaningful to the dumper - if I weren't he'd not be trying to contact me and befriend me. Doing/saying things that he knows will tug on my heart strings. We had a great two years together, just the last few months where uncertainty on his part were an issue. And then he found a shiny new toy and suddenly he's ready to settle down and marry her. It could be guilt, but knowing him and how he does like to remain friends with his exes... it might be something different. However, he never cheated on any other of his exes so of course their reactions will be much different than mine.

 

I do however believe in rebounds. That's where you and I and many others differ. I'm not sure if I was one is what I'm saying not. I'm not sure if she is one but I suspect so using the definition of a rebound. If one isn't healed and then goes into another relationship right away... that's why I'm wondering if I actually was one. That he wasn't really ready to be in a serious relationship.

 

The only thing halting my healing process is him contacting me which is what I said before and it's angering me. I've blocked him from email, fb but I'll be damned if I'm going to change the phone number I've had for five years to run away from him. I have enough will power not to respond to him... but admittedly I have looked at what he's written which has been nothing more than a fishing expedition. And THATS what pisses me off.

 

If he was seeing her before breaking up with you I don't understand how that's a rebound? I though a rebound was someone a person hooks up with to forget the previous relationship. I might be wrong but that's what I understood the definition to be. Either way that doesn't matter. Why he's contacting you after breaking up? Well for his ego. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. He doesn't want to be with you but wants to either keep you on the back burner in case things don't work out or he still want to keep the power over you. It's not fair that they do that because it keeps our hopes up and makes us think they still care even though they really don't. A person that cared about you would not pull at your heart strings, as you say. We've all dealt with the post breakup "friend" period. They all contact the dumpee. Mine much like yours dumped me to be with someone else yet contacted me and tried to be friends for almost a year. It's not a good idea, it will only make it harder to get over the person. I would suggest you ask your friends to not give you updates or talk about him if it hurts you to hear it. I'm sure if your friends are supportive they will understand. Changing your number is not that big of a deal, I did it. I guess that's up to you and how much it really bothers you that he's contacting you.

Edited June 12, 2010 by Ilovecake

[processing]

He wasn't actually seeing her while we dated they were "just friends". Met online. Their interaction was a little bit more flirtatious and more than I was comfortable with. I pointed it out. He swore up and down the block that it was nothing. When he lied to me about their contact for the final time, we broke up. A few people on here liked it to a mixture of grass is greener / rebound situation. Kind of fell into his lap. But regardless... it is what it is.

 

I can't change my number though I'd like to. I've too many contacts that could possibly be lost if I did so.

 

But funny enough he contacted me on the 12th! I really didn't think he'd call me. Maybe a text but not a call. It was a unlisted phone number so I picked up and it was his voice. A drunk call at 3am (he's in another country) it was the morning for me. We spoke for about thirty minutes, well he spoke. Was telling me how much he missed me, how I was in his thoughts at every moment, he was even thinking about past times with one another. He noticed that I'd blocked him from fb and email so called.

 

Last conversation we had... I told him not to as long as he was with her. I wasn't nice about it. He's still with her.

 

Two days later I decided I needed to be more clear so I called him and told him very firmly not to contact me anymore, he made his choice and I'm okay with it, that it was delaying me from healing from this crap. And you know the sob got arrogant and tried to turn it around on me.

 

The call lasted about ten minutes before my cell lost the signal and clicked off while I was in mid sentence. I was so pissed at his new attitude I called my best friend instead of calling him back to complete the conversation.

 

Oddly enough it was the best thing that could have happened. His new attitude made something click within me and I just stopped caring.

 

I mean true enough I've been up and down with this. First few weeks didn't care, then when he contacted me it threw me into a emotional haze, then when he contacted me again it broke me out of it and then I slipped back into it my own self one day and basically in and out. I'm not devastated, I haven't cried, I'm angry and pissed.

 

I don't want him back. And I got to say what I wanted to say to him in regards to this situation. Many don't get that chance. I guess a part of me wishes it could go back to before but as I think about it before wasn't a complete bed of roses either. He was always so wishy washy and indecisive. I could point out many of the cons of being with him. It floors me that he wants to try to be friends or friendly with me even still. We had a good time with one another there's nothing I did wrong, he just found someone... different that excited him a little more at the moment.

 

The thing is as I told him all that glitters isn't gold and running away from problems jumping into a new relationship isn't going to make those (his personal) problems go away... they'll just get transported into a new relationship. Just stupid.

 

But his stupidity is my luck. Lucky for me that I'm free to find someone better.

 

Anyways... it's been five days since we spoke last. Usually he last 2 weeks. I'm hoping that he doens't try again. It's so easy for me to do NC but sometimes, as much as I can ignore him eventually I fall for it. I think I'll be okay this time around given his arrogant response - and well the fact that I can come here and complain about it helps.

 

Thanks for listening.