I never been so low & i hate myself.

[monkey]

Hello

i feel all alone & guilty & veryconfused & upset. My emotional problems with panic attaxks, my gf Knew about when we met & meeting her helped me & gave me confidence & i felt cured.

We travelled & did things i would never dreamed before. When we were in America, where we went to start a new life & i leaft all the bad memories behind me, they came back a little & i was a burden on her, i never want this.

 

I returned home to get treatment & we were to meet in a couple months & when i returned i found she told me everything that i wanted to hear, it was lies, all the little letters she gave me of support & that we would contact & about trying again & that she was there for me, all lies.

She is a strong person & helped me, as i would her, & i can't believe anyone would do this, especially as we were so close for 15 months. Ok she hurt & i was insecure & panicking, but this, i couldn't help.

I am just the kind of person who trusts people & i thought out of anyone i could trust, she was the one.

I feel i can't trust anyone again, i feel i will never love again as she is the girl of my dreams.

All this has made me emotionally fall apart & each day is so painfull. I think i will never be happy with anyone.

I am having some therapy but i feel so guilty that this is my fault, i hate myself & feel i will never get over this. I hope over time she will see me, as she says we are friends, but i feel i am being treated like i hit her or cheated, but i never would.

i can't get lower.

[meanon]

Ah ha a fellow Brit!

 

How sad it is that you have let this experience affect your view of yourself so much. You not only have to get over the loss of your gf but cope with your feelings of inadequacy. You need support as well as therapy so you don't feel so alone. Do talk to your friends/family - so many young men don't and it shows in their ability to cope with the lows in life.

 

For what it's worth heres a cyber [color=red]((((((((((HUG))))))))))))[/color]

 

Do not let the manner of the ending of the relationship affect how you view the good times. People don't emigrate with people they dislike and feel sorry for. Your gf loved you ergo you are a loveable person. Whenever you hear that voice telling you .......(insert whatever you say to reinforce the self hate) just STOP and remember you were loved by a fantastic woman.

 

Severe illness does lead to tremendous pressures on a relationship. In retrospect, maybe absence was not the best thing at that time. She probably feels more guilt than you do. She loved you but couldn't cope with the pressure - so much so that she pretended everything was OK when it wasn't. I can see this would test your ability to trust but you will overcome this with time and love again with maybe a corner of your heart that will be forever hers.

 

Do post again if you feel low. I hope things work out for you.

 

P.S. I worked in Sheffield for a while - loved Ponds Forge.

[midori]

Originally posted by monkey

 

She is a strong person & helped me, as i would her, & i can't believe anyone would do this, especially as we were so close for 15 months. Ok she hurt & i was insecure & panicking, but this, i couldn't help.

 

It sounds like once things reached a certain point she simply couldn't deal with your problems anymore. And that's OK. It doesn't mean either of you are to blame. You two were good together in many ways, but she wasn't able to handle that part of you. You can't rid yourself of that part of you (though obviously you can try to control it more and seek professional assistance). And she can't change the fact that she has a limited capacity for helping other people. She lives her life as she must, and if she couldn't shoulder your issues along with her own, it's hard to blame her for that.

 

That doesn't mean there isn't a person out there for you. Sounds like you need someone who's a bit more emotionally available, a bit more giving.

 

I am just the kind of person who trusts people & i thought out of anyone i could trust, she was the one.

I feel i can't trust anyone again, i feel i will never love again as she is the girl of my dreams.

All this has made me emotionally fall apart & each day is so painfull. I think i will never be happy with anyone.

 

I understand how you feel, but this doesn't have to mean that you give up hope: not for yourself, not for love in general, nor for finding someone new to fall in love with. The fact that she couldn't stay in the relationship with you means that she wasn't the one for you, no matter how much it might have seemed at one time that she was.

 

The person who is right for you will be someone who is able to be with you without requiring that you're on your "best" behavior, always healthy and not needing too much from her. She might still be very independent and interesting, she won't be someone who's just with you out of pity or concern, but she will be able to deal with the fact that sometimes you'll get upset, sometimes you'll be a bit weak, and it won't freak her out or leave her feeling drained and resentful.

 

The person who's right for you will be able to accept all of who you are. The great parts and the not-so-great parts. That's true for everyone. You just can't picture it happening because you haven't met such a person yet. And you're convinced that your happiness lies in being with someone, in having love.

 

Love is great, don't get me wrong. It took me a long time to get over my own heartache after my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years broke up with me, nearly 3 years ago now. I was lonely for a long time. I believed that he was the one for me for a long time. I slowly found that I could be happy despite not having him in my life, despite not having love in my life. And then, quite unexpectedly, I met someone wonderful. My ex is a distant memory, firmly in the past. But if I hadn't allowed myself to let go of the idea of my ex I might not have met my current boyfriend, who is far more right for me than my ex could ever be.

 

In short: find things to do that will engage your intellect, your interest, or at the very least keep you physically busy. Learn to live without a romantic attachment in your life. Don't worry about getting over her. Just get on with life. That's how you'll recover.

[monkey]

Thank you both ,

i just now feel we would be still together if it wasn't for this.

On my return home at the beginning of November there was so many questions & things on my mind & there still is, that i not know. Like she tells me everything she wants & feels but she tells me not to say how i feel. She needs to forget this, how she felt & when i mail her, all i say is i look forward to seeing her when i'm well, things that help me get wellhow i miss her. She tells me not to say this but this is what she told me.

 

I should just forget her & move on, she says. I can't ,i love her & need this chance, just as a friend. I need to rectify it.

[meanon]

Don't worry about trying to move on - it will happen when you are ready. Just concentrate on getting through this time. Maybe it would be best to avoid contact with her if it helps you get better. Or be her friend if that helps - you need to look after yourself and do what's best for you.

 

What are you trying to rectify as a friend? The fact that you got ill? Would you say that if you had a physical illness? It was not your fault. She couldn't cope. It was not her fault. It is a sad situation but there is no fault to rectify.

 

Whatever happens in the future - you need to get well. Make that your first priority and let the future take care of itself. Take care of yourself.

[monkey]

I'm so upset here, it all seems over. I look from an independent point of view & know it is not my fault, i couldn't help my illness, but i hear all she wants in here mails, but when i ask her things, quote things she said & promised we would do, she tells me not to.

OK i sometimes over email & many people on here including a fine paragraph from inloko say this is bad, but i'm leaft with so many questions i deserve answering but don't get & this leads to me sending.

I'm so hurt & i trusted her & never felt she would do this to me, as over 15 months she never showed signs of being like this.

My confidence is shot & i know my problem had it's affect on her & i feel guilty for this, would she be the same if i had cancer.

Now i will just send 1 a week of what i'm doung, but i feel i'm being bribed.

I just hope time again can help, i just still love her so much & miss her.

[meanon]

It sounds like the contact is doing you harm. You can ill afford it. Give yourself a break - at least for a while. A break may do her good too - then you can take it from there (wherever it ends up) with more resilience.

[mandrews1119]

Hey Monkey,

Mandrews here, how are you, my friend? Sounds like you're having a rough time, i know how that can be.! I too have had to break the contact habit, so I know it is hard. If you can't cut it off, at least focus on cutting it down, then off. You don't want to run the risk of being called a nut, or not respecting her space. Once you've done that, you'll find it a bit easier to maintain your cool. Remember some days are good, some are REAL, REAL tough to get through. Vent on this site all day long if it will help you to gain some perspective and control. I know you just want to pour it all out, but you have to take your time, and pick your time and opportunities to do that or you will run her away for longer than you want, if not forever - and I know you don't want that!! Believe me, she knows how you feel and your letters are being read. feel free to PM me if you want. Keep the faith, and stay strong.!

[monkey]

Thanks all,

i just can't understand why were like this, i hear & see things all the time that remind me of her & happy close times & it upsets me so much.

I'm just very sensitive.

I have been stupid with sending mails to her, but i only said things that she told me, which now she asks me to not talk of.

I've not given her the chance to miss or think of me. I guess the best thing is to just give it a rest. She doesn't seem to understand my feelings.

 

Does anyone agree that people say things when they are angry, that mabe they wouldn't say if they weren't.

She says she never wants to be with me & i know she's angry, she said this when we first met & changed. She also told me to be positive & never say never.

 

Is it good to 'prove your love' by never giving up or is it true that reconciliation can only happen , when all seems dead.

Thanks again

[monkey]

Hi meonon

She seems to blame me for putting my probs on her, i understand her, but i feel so gulty for it & want to even up the situation by showing her that i will be well & i need her to know i'm sorry.

She hurts me when she says that ' this was enough ' , like i wanted it.!!

I must not contact her, only as she said to me.

she said she wants to see the 'well me' & i need to show her, as a friend that this problem i can come through & that we'll see what happens then.

She says she doesn't want me in the future, but how does she know what i'll be like. She always told me to never say never & the future is open.

I see it as she thinks this problem with anxiety will be with me all my life & that she's talking of the future using her current feelings. I thought she was too intelligent to do this. I know she doesn't want me now. I don't want her now, to be with me when i feel low.

 

It wasn't there when we met & i will be rid of it, i working so hard on it. I just need to show her. As a friend & see, thats all.

[midori]

Originally posted by monkey

i just now feel we would be still together if it wasn't for this.

 

That's basically saying "I feel we would be together if I wasn't the person that I am." Which, when you put it that way, is ridiculous, I'm sure you'll agree.

 

Like she tells me everything she wants & feels but she tells me not to say how i feel. She needs to forget this, how she felt & when i mail her, all i say is i look forward to seeing her when i'm well, things that help me get wellhow i miss her. She tells me not to say this but this is what she told me.

 

It's so clear that she simply lacks the capacity to deal with you. The failing between you is as much about her shortcomings as it is about yours.

 

I should just forget her & move on, she says. I can't ,i love her & need this chance, just as a friend. I need to rectify it.

 

As meanon has observed, what's to rectify? You have nothing to apologize for. Neither does she. It really does sound like the two of you simply aren't compatible.

 

Am I remembering your story correctly in thinking that this is an Eastern European woman who first came to the UK to work as a nanny, and is now in the US doing the same? If so, it sounds like she's on a mission to improve her lot in life. She's got to be focused on that. You just don't fit into that scheme. And she doesn't fit into what you need -- you need someone who doesn't view you as a burden. Why should you be in a relationship based on the premise that you are fundamentally flawed and burdensome?

 

I know you've got mental health problems that you're working on. And I hope that you'll succeed in getting them better in hand. I understand that people with mental/emotional problems can be draining to those around them sometimes, and that we shouldn't underestimate how much energy and patience it can require from others. But you are what you are, you're doing everything you can to deal with the situation. You owe no one, not even her, any apologies.

 

You can twist yourself into a pretzel and make all kinds of promises to her and to yourself that you will permanently improve, that you will become a person who doesn't require things she doesn't have to give. Even if that's possible (and I rather doubt it), at what cost to you would that be achieved?

 

Get well for your sake. Live life for yourself, not in order to prove anything to anyone. She knows you wish you hadn't been ill. She knows that this is beyond your control at the moment. To be honest I think she's left things open-ended in terms of what might happen down the road because she's reluctant to be so "harsh" as to cut off all your hope. She might think she's doing you a kindness in that, but it's not helping you to wonder what she means by that or what the chances are... as you're doing.

 

This is as much her shortcoming as it is yours. Some people put career or other agendas before love. Some people lack the capacity to be wholly available to another person. That's how they are. It really doesn't sound like such a person is right for you, however much you've latched on to the idea of her.

[meanon]

Hi Monkey,

 

She seems to blame me for putting my probs on her

Maybe that is easier than admitting that she can't cope. But as I said in earlier post - you are not to "blame" for being ill. Illness happens. You did not cause it or it's effect on her. To blame you is deeply unfair. It protects her self image at the cost of yours. She may not be doing this on purpose but it shows she is putting her needs ahead of yours and this is doing you further damage. This must stop.

 

i feel so gulty for it & want to even up the situation by showing her that i will be well & i need her to know i'm sorry

You said in a related thread that you know you were not to blame for your illness but your emotional response here shows you feel otherwise. You have accepted the blame for being ill and are trying to make amends. Again, it's all about making things up to her, even when you are ill the focus is on her needs.

 

she said she wants to see the 'well me' & i need to show her, as a friend that this problem i can come through & that we'll see what happens then.

Further evidence that she blames you for being ill - she thinks you have it within your power to cure yourself for her if you really wanted to and then she may choose to reward you by loving you again. Think about how absurd this statement would be if you had a physical illness and see it for what it is.

she said .... that we'll see what happens then; She says she doesn't want me in the future

These mixed messages are not helping and I suspect that they are either a misguided attempt to avoid hurting you or use of a carrot and stick approach to motivate you to get well, based on a flawed assupmtion that it is somehow your fault.

 

Monkey, a break up with someone you love tests your ability to cope, recovering from mental ilness test your ability to cope, on top of that you are having to cope with a loved one's fundamentally flawed and damaging view of you which has now become your view. Please give your treatment and yourself a fighting chance and cease all contact with her until you are well. Look after yourself.

[monkey]

Hi

she did put up with a lot from me, she could have ceased to see me when i was ill & i would have to have been alone for a month until i returned home.

This shows me she cares, but it was more of a caring for my health, like a nurse.

 

I understand in a way that a mental illness has more affect on a relationship than a broken leg for e.g.

 

I need to sort myself out, but my way in life is always to think of others before myself, my mum is the same, mabe it's in my genes.

I do make myself worse by ruminating on it.

 

She told me that she never experienced anyone with anxiety before & even read a book on it & helped me a lot in all kinds of ways.

 

I just am upset by her always being positive for me & saying no-one knows the future, but seems to think she'l not feel anything for me in the future. It's not like i want to jump in bed with her when i see her, just be friends & see.

 

I am just sensitive & am unable to spend as much time with someone as we did & all the closeness, then just to stop. I hurt so much.. Time can change, can't it?

[meanon]

Time will change, Monkey. You will get through this and love again. You have problems yes but much to offer in the way of sensitivity, loyalty and consideration for others needs. You will meet someone who values these qualities so much that they will take on the whole package willingly and be happy with you.

 

It is OK to care for her - I'm sure a bit of you always will, but not at the cost of your own health. Please think about this.

[maxmuscle]

Monkey,

 

Hang in there. People sometimes say things they don't mean. It could be based off their emotions at the time. She still cares for you, but not in the way you want right now. You must give it time to develop again. Please do not talk about the realtionship with her because that is not what she wants to hear at this time. Talk about positive things. Focus on getting yourself better. I know you love her, miss her, and want her, but she is not on the same page. You have to start all over again from scratch! Be her friend, make her smile, be positive, focus on yourself and let her live her life, and relax. She will see and smell your confidence, your pose, your composure, and then she will start to be more attractive to you.....................

[monkey]

Max, your words are like a warm wind. Thankyou.

So many people can't be wrong, your right, people get vibrations from emails & the ones she's getting now probably give her the vibes of me not improving myself & i know i was a nightmare for her. I'm surprised she's still mailing me, this shows something, she just knows that this is a chemical thing & i have to overcome my paranoia & jealousy i have.

 

Her parents, who treated me like their own & who were wonderful when i visited her home, they know it was an illness & were concerned for their daughter, i mean i was also, but i couldn't control my emotions. This upsets me & i feel guilty for what i put on her, i never want to make her unwell, i owe her big time!