A sudden change in behavior

[lando]

Over a year ago, I moved to a different city (about 2.5 hours away) to be closer to my father who is dying (he has ALS). It has been a big sacrifice for me, moving away from a life that I loved, but I would not change my decision.

 

In recent months, i've been chatting/texting with a girl I know from my old city. I used to work with her, and over the years we have gone through times where we were in contact, and times where we hadn't talked in quite some time.

 

Every time i've been in contact with her, i've had a thing for her, and essentially she told me the same thing. We set things up to go on a date the next time I made a trip up there, and I finally did go up there this past weekend.

 

Our date was awesome, we had a lot of fun. By the end of it we were holding hands, and continued to hold hands the entire time I drove her to work. When we got to her work, I kissed her, and it was very clear that she was waiting for that, and kissed me back intensely until she pulled away and made a face that expressed *grr! i'm not supposed to like you, you live in another city!*

 

She left in a huff, which I thought was kinda funny. We texted a bit throughout that night.

 

The next night, she texted me, inviting me over to her place. I picked her up from where she was at and we went to her place. We went to bed, cuddled and kissed a lot, talked about the situation of me living in a different city. I told her that I liked her a lot, and she told me the same. We didnt fool around or have sex, but were very close all night.

 

The next day I had to drop her off at a transit-hub, and she kissed me this time. That was the last time I saw her, but we texted a bit after that.

 

Now, since i've been back in my city, things have taken a strange turn. She has not responded to any of my text messages and i'm pretty sure it's on purpose.

 

I have to mention that she has been very open about not being interested in an LDR. She mentioned it on our date, we talked about it more when I was at her place, she expressed a dislike that I lived in another city (because she likes me).

 

Whats up with this though? and where do I go from here? I'm not a fan of LDR's (was previously in one for 1.5 years, and she lived across the continent, not hours away like this girl), but I would break my rule for this girl, partly because I intend to move back to that city after..

[Aedra]

I personally believe she sees you more as a fling then anything else, especially since she's completely stopped texting you once you returned to that city to be with your father. If it was more then that I honestly think she'd text you about that; see how you are, how you're coping with things, etc. Show some concern. I don't think she see the point of putting so much time and effort into someone who will be so far away, since LDR require such huge commitment. She feels the connection with you sure, but probably has other guys. I don't think anyone would enter one unless they feel its 100% worth it and she does not feel that way about you. If you're planning to move back to the same city as her, for how long? I think she won't accept it if you're not going to be there permanently, and probably its best kept as a casual relationship otherwise. Maybe I'm utterly wrong but that's how I see it.

Edited June 11, 2010 by Aedra

[lando]

when I move back it will be permanently. The only reason I moved in the first place was because of my father.

 

i'm almost 100% positive there are no other guys. She has a lot of guy friends but she was very clear to me that they are just friends to her.

 

I think you hit the nail on the head by saying that she doesn't see the point of putting so much time and effort into someone who is so far away. She expressed to me that she needs the person she cares about to be close, and clearly that is not the case here, with me being three hours away.

 

I dunno, to me it just seems that she is avoiding/ignoring/creating distance between herself and me as a way of protecting herself from falling for a guy who lives far away. She completely fell for me when I was with her, even though she tried not to, and now, this is probably what she sees as the easiest way to keep herself from falling for me even more.

 

I could be right, I could be wrong, but i'd appreciate more outside opinion. Either way, I agree that the relationship between her & I should be kept as a casual one until I move back there, which will probably be in the next 8-10 months

[madjac74]

I think the fact you are only 3 hours away and you have a time frame of when you will be back and the reason you moved away should be a bonus. Try being 14 hours away with no idea how or when you will finally be together. You guys obviously hit it off and you know you will move back so you could just use this time to get to know each other better. And the time being apart will make you appreciate the time you actually get to spend together. A lot of local relationships they are constantly together and end up suffocating each other.

 

I understand the fears and frustrations of an LDR. When my GF and I first went LDR we constantly did everything to push each other away. People are very needy sometimes and an LDR is not possible for most. She may not be able to handle it. I'd say keep it casual and see if you can keep her interest. If she constantly wants to text you, call you, email you and throw in a few visits then maybe she will realise its worth the effort and hardship.

 

My GF and I rarely get a chance to be together because of distance, work and kids but I can almost remember every moment I've spent with her down to what she was wearing. I didnt have that with my marriage or my previous local relationship. I wouldn't give her up over any amount of miles. You shouldn't either

[lando]

This girl has admitted to being needy, and that was her main reason why she won't do an LDR, she likes to have her man close. Her being needy doesn't bother me one bit, but it does pose a bit of a problem here, hehe.

 

I'm sure that things will work out in the long run, but a definite relationship won't officially happen until i'm living there again. I will be making another trip up there before the end of this month, and i'll see about getting together with her again, because I am also certain that if given a little more time together, she'll begin to realize that the situation isn't so bad, especially given the fact that I intend to move back there. I also believe it would help to solidify her feelings for me.

 

It just sucks that she's (apparently) trying to push me away right now, and I don't think chasing her is the right thing to do.

[ADF]

Of course it is on purpose, and it can only mean one thing: she's hiding something from you. I won;t speculate about what that might be, but ask yourself a question. Is getting stonewalled this way acceptable to you?

 

This is yet another example fo why LDRs are so difficult. Unless you are around someone on a regular basis, unless you see them in their natural habitat, so to speak, you really have no idea who they really are. None at all. You have no idea what is going on in their lives. You only know what they show you, and of course they are going to show you what they think you want to see.

[lando]

Is getting stonewalled acceptable to me? No, not really. It's rather unfair and impolite if you ask me. Personally, i'd rather her communicate to me exactly what she's feeling, and her and I could go from there. That's what I would do.

 

But I am not everyone, and not everyone behaves like me. I am a man, and she is a woman, and we think and behave (very) differently. Even the most rational person in the world can also think and behave very irrationally at times.

 

And being the man that I am, if I think something is wrong, I instinctively want to try to fix it, but I firmly believe that any attempt right now to pursue this/her right now would only make things worse, as her defenses are up and she is trying to protect herself from something that would cause her a lot of heartache (that thing being an LDR)

 

It's not my intention to defend her here, i'm just trying to be objective.

[lando]

Okay so basically what i'm looking for now is some direction on what to do.. We could speculate for ever on what it was that caused her behavior change, but imo that does very little good.

 

So, Do I:

-Just walk away and hope for the best?

-Wait and see if she will finally get in touch with me?

-Give her some space for a while and then try to re-initiate communication?

-Confront her about avoiding/ignoring me?

-Something else entirely?

 

Haha, the possibilities I just listed are mainly just examples to show what i'm looking for in a response here. I'm open to suggestions, but i'll admit i'm more interested in hearing what the women have to say.

 

Keep in mind, as i've mentioned before, i'll be making another trip up there this month.

[ADF]

It's not my intention to defend her here, i'm just trying to be objective.

 

Well, you're failing. What she's probably up to is pretty obvious. I think you are bending over backwards doing all kinds of logical gymnastic to try and find an more complicated, less ominous explanation.

[madjac74]

Well Im a guy but my GF and lots of our friends say Im the girl in the relationship. haha. So I'll give you my opinion anyway. I think you should give her alittle space and maybe shoot her a text or email every now and then just to ask how she is doing (and remind her you are still there). I'd even throw in a call to see her response. Whether she answers or calls back and if she seems glad to hear from you. I'm sure you will get a sense of how she feels. As time draws closer to your visit remind her and see if she is interested in seeing you again.

[LittleTiger]

Hi lando, you wanted a reply from a woman so here it is - and you probaby won't like it.

 

I hate LDRs, HATE them, with a vengeance! I would NEVER, repeat NEVER, choose to be in an LDR if it could possibly be avoided. I was in an LDR with my ex husband (twice) and both times it nearly drove me into the nuthouse ! The thing I hate most about them is the lack of physical contact - it's unbearable! BUT, here I am in an LDR (for LDR read 12,000 miles!).

 

Now the relevance of my story to yours is my reason for being in this LDR. I met my SO online, we became great friends, met in RL two months later and hit it off big time, in every way possible. This man is so special to me and such a one off that there is no way I can not be in an LDR with him. I love him!

 

So my take, from a female point of view, (albeit just one female), is:

 

Forget her!

 

It's that simple. If she thought you were special, 2.5 hrs wouldn't put her off - no matter how needy she is, or how much she dislikes LDRs. It takes 30 hrs on a plane for my SO and I to reach other and, despite my feelings about LDRs, it is absolutely worth it. HE is absolutely worth it.

 

I'm sure this girl likes you. She enjoyed your company and the fun you had, but that's all. If she really cared she wouldn't cut all contact like she has. Even if she wanted to wait until you were together to have a relationship she would be doing everything she could to keep the lines of communication going, and she clearly isn't doing that.

 

So, in the absence of something having happened which means she really cannot get in touch, which although possible is very unlikely, I would say that she's not interested in a relationship with you.

 

Walk away and don't even bother to hope. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but I believe that's the reality.