Wife has no time for my family

[Kenyth]

Well, here I am stuck in the middle of another stressful mess. I love my wife dearly, and she is a very dedicated mother, but I have to face it. She's a resource hog. In particular, the one that causes the most problems is time. Never have I seen someone schedule so much crap into their week. To make sure she gets all the time she needs for herself, she schedules things out months in advance. This makes it difficult for anyone else to get an "appointment" in edgewise. My parents in particular take the brunt of this. We invite them over for events, but never make it over to their house because we are too "busy". They live about 45 minutes to an hour away.

 

Forward to the current issue. My parents actually got a day in for us to come over, fathers day. My brothers and their kids will be coming as well. So, we've made a commitment. Almost within a day or two, she gets a conflicting offer for a Birthday party invite for my son, who is 4, from his cousin who is the same age. They play together often. Of course, the birthday party should trump the fathers day affair. She want's to do the activity that will be the most fun for him. Against my better judgement, I test the waters to see if I can go to the FD party by myself and bring over my son later in the week since I will be off work. Well, it went over even worse than I expected. It has been going on a year since we have visited their home together as a family, so they are taking grave insult to this situation.

 

They think my wife simply does not want to come over. To a point, they are correct. She is not particularly comfortable over there. There was a pretty big fight in the past. Though my father and I got recruited to the front lines, it's my wife and mother at the core of the problem. They simply don't see eye to eye and although they try to get along, it's obviously a very tenuous relationship. My wife simply doesn't want to make a big effort to make time for them. Combine that with her habit of scheduling all the free time months in advance and you can see what the outcome is. Mind you, we always have time for her family. They do live much closer, but it's a little more than that I think.

 

Now I've been given the envious position of being responsible for pissing off one or the other. Standing with my wife is the right thing to do of course, but I do feel my parents have a valid point, which makes it a bit hard to swallow. They won't talk to each other. If it comes to that, it will be a fight. I'll be having some whiskey and a cigar tonight, though I doubt it will do much for me. These type of spats on spending time with my family are ongoing. Whether it's the holidays, a weekend day here or there, or what have you. It's very tiresome, constantly going on these guilt trips...............

[quankanne]

she sounds selfish with her controlling ways ... maybe it *is* time to bite the bullet and tell her in no uncertain terms that while you appreciate the fact that she doesn't get along with your ma, you're not going to take part in her campaign to isolate you from your family. That if she doesn't want to go, fine, but there is room for compromise when it comes to the kids, because they're part of your family as well as they are part of hers.

 

sometimes, you've just got to stand your grounds and do what's ultimately right.

[sally4sara]

Not knowing what the conflict was over, I can't really comment on how wrong your wife is to limit her time with your mother.

[Angel1111]

Well, you may not like my comment much but here goes...

 

While I do think your wife is more than just a tad self-indulgent and self-centered, I've come to the conclusion that marriage is basically crap and the more you expect the other person to accomodate you, the more you'll be disappointed. It's a system that set up for failure, as long as you have expectations. It's not about whether you're being reasonable or not - it's about how most people don't comprehend the concept of compromise or reasonableness, and you're stuck with the situation.

 

If I were you, I'd tell her to have a nice time with the kids at the birthday party, and let her know that you'll be going to your parents', as it would be the highest of insults not to see your father on Father's Day, and that it's not up for discussion or negotiation. End of story.

Edited June 11, 2010 by Angel1111

[DaisyLeigh]

What is the conflict over? Is your mother rude to her? Overbearing? Getting in your business? Treat her badly?

 

Does your wife feel that she has to put up with stupid **** that she should not have to put up with?

 

Do you guys ALWAYS have to be the ones to "give" and travel? What is going on?

 

For her to go out of her way not go over there, is telling. There is more to it than just being selfish, IMHO.

 

So, what gives?

[Kenyth]

Eh, if you do search, you'll probably come up with the old conflict. It's a long story, with no easy answers and didn't exactly have a warm, fuzzy, "movie style" ending. It was long, nasty, threatening, and over-reactive on both sides. It wasn't resolved so much as just ended. The problem is, people don't want to end it, they want to be right. The details and rationizations are wound into a knot big enough to make your head spin. I set up counseling and mediation, but they helped little. Stones don't move much, no matter how hard you try. My parents didn't speak with us for quite a while, and vice-versa. Eventually it ended, just from the sheer force of time and the birth of a grandchild. Hell, I don't even know if I'm back in their will or not. I can't say it concerns me greatly either. The disowning was the bit of drama I found way over the top.

 

I'd like to take myself out of the middle entirely, but nobody will really allow that. I have to take a side or be treated as a traitor. Both sides spouted crap about loyalty and I had to choose. I choose my wife because there really is no other choice in that kind of situation, except divorce. To this day, all potentially explosive communication goes through me.

 

After it ended there were a couple "aftershocks", based on the fact that my wife didn't make a lot of effort to see them. I think that's pretty much where things are stuck. We talked. She's now told me to go ahead and take my son to go see them instead of going by myself. I can't say that will do much for their relationship (wife and parents), but I guess it's the best I can do.

[mem11363]

Your wife made a good compromise here. Hats off to her. Seriously.

 

If I were you I would thank her for doing the best she can in a difficult situation.

 

Is your mother "in general" a difficult person or was their conflict just a bad situation that escalated?

 

Eh, if you do search, you'll probably come up with the old conflict. It's a long story, with no easy answers and didn't exactly have a warm, fuzzy, "movie style" ending. It was long, nasty, threatening, and over-reactive on both sides. It wasn't resolved so much as just ended. The problem is, people don't want to end it, they want to be right. The details and rationizations are wound into a knot big enough to make your head spin. I set up counseling and mediation, but they helped little. Stones don't move much, no matter how hard you try. My parents didn't speak with us for quite a while, and vice-versa. Eventually it ended, just from the sheer force of time and the birth of a grandchild. Hell, I don't even know if I'm back in their will or not. I can't say it concerns me greatly either. The disowning was the bit of drama I found way over the top.

 

I'd like to take myself out of the middle entirely, but nobody will really allow that. I have to take a side or be treated as a traitor. Both sides spouted crap about loyalty and I had to choose. I choose my wife because there really is no other choice in that kind of situation, except divorce. To this day, all potentially explosive communication goes through me.

 

After it ended there were a couple "aftershocks", based on the fact that my wife didn't make a lot of effort to see them. I think that's pretty much where things are stuck. We talked. She's now told me to go ahead and take my son to go see them instead of going by myself. I can't say that will do much for their relationship (wife and parents), but I guess it's the best I can do.

[Kenyth]

What is the conflict over? Is your mother rude to her? Overbearing? Getting in your business? Treat her badly?

 

-Not really. My mother can have a temper, but is not rude or agressive. I've heard nothing about inappropriate behavior. The only thing my wife says is that she doesn't feel comfortable there. If there was something, she would let me know or confront it right then and there. She's not shy about stuff like that, at all.

 

Does your wife feel that she has to put up with stupid **** that she should not have to put up with?

 

-My wife can be a little "exacting" in her standards for behavior and safety. My nephews sometimes run a bit wild for her tastes, but that's about it. They live in the country, and the yard isn't fenced, and my son is the youngest. Last year, my nephew left him alone when he took him outside and was supposed to be watching him. My son wandered into the garage looking for someone before he was found. Not exactly playing in the street or something dangerous mind you, but we're used to having an eye on him constantly, so that kind of freaked her out. They also have a go-kart, which scares her around our son. She's afraid he'll want to ride in it (and be upset when we say no), or that he'll sneak a ride in it with his cousins, or that he'll be hit by it. He is only four.

 

Do you guys ALWAYS have to be the ones to "give" and travel? What is going on?

 

-No, as a matter of fact my parents have been the ones coming over for a while now.

 

For her to go out of her way not go over there, is telling. There is more to it than just being selfish, IMHO.

 

-All the little things add up to taking her out of her comfort zone. She doesn't trust people easily at all. IMO She's simply not comfortable and secure there.

 

So, what gives?

 

-Good reasons? None......... Except that she's been at odds with my family before.

 

 

 

Replies are in the message body.

[Kenyth]

Your wife made a good compromise here. Hats off to her. Seriously.

 

If I were you I would thank her for doing the best she can in a difficult situation.

 

Is your mother "in general" a difficult person or was their conflict just a bad situation that escalated?

 

Definately escalation. If I were more skilled at it, I probably could have defused it. I'm good with logic and compromise, but wayyyyy over my head when dealing with emotional and unreasonable people.

[Kenyth]

Your wife made a good compromise here. Hats off to her. Seriously.

 

If I were you I would thank her for doing the best she can in a difficult situation.

 

Is your mother "in general" a difficult person or was their conflict just a bad situation that escalated?

 

 

You know, you make a good point. My parents are no angels here either. I don't want to make it sound as if my wife is the "bad guy", which I probably am. My mother goes off fairly easily and is pretty good at fanning the flames with passive agressive behavior when she feels slighted.

[DaisyLeigh]

I think that disowning you would have been a dealbreaker for me.

 

When you marry, your spouse is the priority. Sounds like your wife may be a difficult person at times, but your mother and dad should be the examples, being the older and presumably wiser ones.

 

Of course, I don't think that blood is ALWAYS thicker than water either.

[florence of suburbia]

If your wife finds it highly stressful to spend time with your family, it seems wise for her to send you and your son to visit without her. There's no law that she's required to have a relationship with them.

[DaisyLeigh]

You know, you make a good point. My parents are no angels here either. I don't want to make it sound as if my wife is the "bad guy", which I probably am. My mother goes off fairly easily and is pretty good at fanning the flames with passive agressive behavior when she feels slighted.

 

 

I absolutely hate P/A behavior. Your mother needs to be told to grow the hell up. Seriously, even if it were my own mother, I would tell her to GROW UP, and be an ADULT, and tell me what is bothering her.

[turnera]

I think that disowning you would have been a dealbreaker for me.

 

When you marry, your spouse is the priority. Sounds like your wife may be a difficult person at times, but your mother and dad should be the examples, being the older and presumably wiser ones.

 

Of course, I don't think that blood is ALWAYS thicker than water either.

I so agree.

 

She's afraid he'll want to ride in it (and be upset when we say no)

Not really on topic, and I apologize in advance for saying what may offend you, but I just have to jump in here and say that, this combined with your other talk about being overprotective, I see some issues coming, regarding the way you guys are raising him. It'll probably come up more than once in the future because, frankly, I think you two ARE being overprotective (given the location you're talking about), and it's for what I see as a potentially bad reason - not wanting to say no to your child, nor have him not like you for saying no.

 

It's not your job to be your kid's friend. It's your job to say NO when you need to. It's your job to ignore him when he whines about wanting more candy or a new toy. It's your job to decide what's safe and what isn't, even if his cousin is using the gokart, and tell him no, and then stop thinking about it - because you said NO. Kids EXPECT you to say no; it's your job to do so, and it's their job to push the limits; when you say no, they should shrug and go on about doing something else.

 

I would suggest that you look into parenting classes, or magazines, or maybe even just watch SuperNanny together, to learn how to say no...before he starts running y'all's house because she's afraid to say no to him.

[sally4sara]

Eh, if you do search, you'll probably come up with the old conflict. It's a long story, with no easy answers and didn't exactly have a warm, fuzzy, "movie style" ending. It was long, nasty, threatening, and over-reactive on both sides. It wasn't resolved so much as just ended. The problem is, people don't want to end it, they want to be right. The details and rationizations are wound into a knot big enough to make your head spin. I set up counseling and mediation, but they helped little. Stones don't move much, no matter how hard you try. My parents didn't speak with us for quite a while, and vice-versa. Eventually it ended, just from the sheer force of time and the birth of a grandchild. Hell, I don't even know if I'm back in their will or not. I can't say it concerns me greatly either. The disowning was the bit of drama I found way over the top.

 

I'd like to take myself out of the middle entirely, but nobody will really allow that. I have to take a side or be treated as a traitor. Both sides spouted crap about loyalty and I had to choose. I choose my wife because there really is no other choice in that kind of situation, except divorce. To this day, all potentially explosive communication goes through me.

 

After it ended there were a couple "aftershocks", based on the fact that my wife didn't make a lot of effort to see them. I think that's pretty much where things are stuck. We talked. She's now told me to go ahead and take my son to go see them instead of going by myself. I can't say that will do much for their relationship (wife and parents), but I guess it's the best I can do.

 

I did go read your other threads. There was something very telling in them.

 

This is not the first time your parents have drawn a line between you and someone you've chosen to have a relationship with. Your words about them imply they are of judgmental characters and willing to emotionally manipulate you. This being your upbringing, can you say you are not drawn to choosing partners that are also willing to play that game?

Your current wife has reason to be wary. And she gets sucked into playing the game too. It sounds to me like she avoids them because it limits their ability to gather more material for manipulating further.

You spoke of how things the two of you have decided as a unit have brought wrath from your family. You two do something you should have every right to do and your family looks to her as the cause and takes it out on you. Your ex wife finds something your current wife has said and she too, capitalizes on it to your detriment.

 

If I were her, I too would want to go in hiding from these people. I'd fear being around them because I'd know ANYTHING I said or did would be twisted and used. Not going around them would be the only thing available to me to limit this from happening. And of course THEY will be willing to come to your place - it affords them greater ability to encroach on your wife's comfort levels, make her feel vulnerable, and afford them a way to further point the finger at her.

 

Why do YOU want these people in your life? I know they are your family but, they seem to not care one whit if you're happy or if your relationships blow up under their pressure. And this can make your spouse wonder just how willing you are to protect her, yourself, your kid and your relationship form these people. Not really a great way to build a strong marriage. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. It is very sad.

[candymoon]

I haven't read your backstory, but the PP's comments about emotional manipulation are intruiging.

 

I was also wondering about your wife's intense scheduling. People have to book far in advance, basically, to see her. Insane!

 

This this latest Father's Day incident is just like icing on the cake. Her schedule and lifestyle is BUILT to avoid EVERYTHING. WTH is she running away from so fast? There are some crazy avoidance issues here. People who stay that busy constantly are usually hiding from something either within, without, or both. That's damn near being driven. And driven people have major psychological issues.

 

You think there is something to that?

[Kenyth]

Thanks everyone, for your input. I can't expect to get "on the money" advice. The story is simply too long and complex for that. Family relationships and "normal" behavior are also very subjective, as seen by the broad scope of postings. You guys have given me very interesting ideas.

 

My mother, although loving and giving most of the time, is very sensitive, has a temper, and is emotionally manipulative when upset. Her mother was this way as well, so it has a lot to do with upbringing. As I go on, I realize I don't give my wife enough credit. She has dealt with emotionally manipulative people in the past, and does not cater to them at all. Although she can take it a bit too far sometimes in response, I could probably do to learn from her rather than criticize.

 

My own problem, is that I have an emotional "detachment" coping defense when confronted with emotional tirades. This makes folks even more angry when they deal with my stone blank face response. It helped during my military career though.

[Kenyth]

I haven't read your backstory, but the PP's comments about emotional manipulation are intruiging.

 

I was also wondering about your wife's intense scheduling. People have to book far in advance, basically, to see her. Insane!

 

This this latest Father's Day incident is just like icing on the cake. Her schedule and lifestyle is BUILT to avoid EVERYTHING. WTH is she running away from so fast? There are some crazy avoidance issues here. People who stay that busy constantly are usually hiding from something either within, without, or both. That's damn near being driven. And driven people have major psychological issues.

 

You think there is something to that?

 

She is a bit driven, but generally in a good way. She is successful and wants to give our son the best life experience she can. He is generally involved in two, sometimes three, weekly activities, as is she. I was pursuing a degree and just finshed with that. I do a great deal of the home improvement, home repair, and car maintenance. We also have a sizable yard to care for. We have friends and her extended family is fairly large, so there is always something going on like a birthday party, graduation, wedding, baby shower, etc. Coming from a smaller, more stay at home family, it really is amazing to me how quickly things add up, and how far out the schedule can get.

 

After actually looking at the schedule, I realize I accidentally exagerrated. Seven weeks is the longest weekends have ever been scheduled out solidly, but it's usually an average of four weekends. You have to understand, since my parents live an hour away and still work, the weekends are the only opportunity.

[Kenyth]

I did go read your other threads. There was something very telling in them.

 

This is not the first time your parents have drawn a line between you and someone you've chosen to have a relationship with. Your words about them imply they are of judgmental characters and willing to emotionally manipulate you. This being your upbringing, can you say you are not drawn to choosing partners that are also willing to play that game?

 

-Yes, quite possibly. I know that my skill at detachment and my eagerness to please people probably has roots in this.

 

Your current wife has reason to be wary. And she gets sucked into playing the game too. It sounds to me like she avoids them because it limits their ability to gather more material for manipulating further.

 

-Yes, at first. Although now, I think she simply finds it more tiresome than threatening.

 

You spoke of how things the two of you have decided as a unit have brought wrath from your family. You two do something you should have every right to do and your family looks to her as the cause and takes it out on you. Your ex wife finds something your current wife has said and she too, capitalizes on it to your detriment.

 

-Yes, I really felt badly for her, particularly with my ex. At least the lawsuit came out to our advantage in the end

 

If I were her, I too would want to go in hiding from these people. I'd fear being around them because I'd know ANYTHING I said or did would be twisted and used. Not going around them would be the only thing available to me to limit this from happening. And of course THEY will be willing to come to your place - it affords them greater ability to encroach on your wife's comfort levels, make her feel vulnerable, and afford them a way to further point the finger at her.

 

-This would probably have been the case in the past, but now not so much. We are treated as a single family unit now. They generally don't try to divide us anymore after it backfired so severely.

 

Why do YOU want these people in your life? I know they are your family but, they seem to not care one whit if you're happy or if your relationships blow up under their pressure.

 

THIS is a sad truth.

 

And this can make your spouse wonder just how willing you are to protect her, yourself, your kid and your relationship form these people. Not really a great way to build a strong marriage.

 

-Luckily, the first time I was willing to listen to sage advice from counselors, so although it's certainly a stressor in our marriage, I don't think she sees me as taking a side against her.

 

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. It is very sad.

 

Yes, yes it is.........

 

 

Replies are in the quote body.

[turnera]

It's also a possible indicator of a workaholic. We took our daughter to a therapist many years ago because of her shyness and inability to participate as we 'wanted' her to. The doctor basically told us that WE were driving her to be this way by scheduling out every single day with activities and classes and expectations. We scared her. She felt she could never meet our expectations.

 

In addition, we never gave her down time. He said that kids NEED to be kids - free, inquisitive, and full of down time to just explore and think and create. By scheduling out her life for her, we were telling her that only through professional or organized activities could she be 'good' enough.

 

He was right.

[Kenyth]

It's also a possible indicator of a workaholic. We took our daughter to a therapist many years ago because of her shyness and inability to participate as we 'wanted' her to. The doctor basically told us that WE were driving her to be this way by scheduling out every single day with activities and classes and expectations. We scared her. She felt she could never meet our expectations.

 

In addition, we never gave her down time. He said that kids NEED to be kids - free, inquisitive, and full of down time to just explore and think and create. By scheduling out her life for her, we were telling her that only through professional or organized activities could she be 'good' enough.

 

He was right.

 

Good advice. We'll have to watch for this as he gets older. At this point, he is happy and thriving. He gets a lot of time for free play during the week. If my parents lived closer, we could take advantage of weekdays to visit them. A lot of his weekend activities are "playdates", so he gets time with his close friends to free play as well.