I don't trust her anymore

[jesse22]

I've been lurking here for a while and have decided that I could use some advice as some of you have probably been where I am right now. I'll try to keep it short, since none of you are here to read a book.

 

I have been with my wife for 14 years. We got married 9 years ago. We have two children, 5 and 2. About a year ago, we had a few issuse that have come up that landed us in MC, mostly her lies. I always took her word as gold, until I inadvertantly caught her hiding a few things and telling some flat out lies.

 

It started with a speeding ticket that she got. She didn't tell me about it. She planned on just paying it without telling me, which makes zero sense since I handle all of the finances and would see the money missing. Anyway, what tipped me off was that lawyers now send you 5 letters a day after you get a ticket, wondering if you want them to represent you. I opened one and that's how I found out. I was upset, but I forgave her and just told her to be honest with me. No big deal. I'm not a violent or abusive guy.

 

Fast forward to about a month later. I noticed her acting a bit strange. She was guarding her phone with her life, always had it on her. Then I came home for lunch early one day and she was on the computer. She closed out a window just as I walked in the door. I saw that she had Facebook open. She was acting weird. I asked her if everything was OK and she said everything was "fine". My gut told me otherwise and I began to check things out for myself. Sure enough, she was talking to an ex. I found that they'd been talking for about a week maybe 10 days. I checked phone records and there were a few calls, maybe 5 and about 60 texts. I checked her phone one night and all of the texts were deleted, except one. It was from him saying "nice to see you again". So I knew she met up with him. I confronted her and she admitted it. We had an agreement before we signed up for FB, mind you, that neither of us were to contact former lovers. Period.

 

She claims that she went to see him for something work related. I have really no way of knowing if this was the case, but I don't believe her. He lives about 60 miles away. She dropped the kids at my mother's on a weekday that I was working and went to see him. She claims the whole thing was innocent, nothing physical or emotional. I have a pretty accurate BS meter, and this tilted it like never before. We have talked about this ad nauseam and she is sticking to her story.

 

This was what basically landed us in counseling. We went for about 2 months together, and have been in individual counseling since. She is seeing our original counselor, who I didn't care for, and I'm seeing someone else.

 

I would probably believe her story if not for some of the things I learned about her in counseling. She's not who I thought she was.

 

When we were dating, actually living together for 2 years, she said she needed space. I asked her if there was someone else, and she said no. More BS. Anyway, a few days passed without me communicating with her at all when she finally called me. She was crying and begging me to take her back. I told her to come over. We talked and she said she was confused and scared and had met someone else. I asked her what she had done and she said that she went out with this guy twice and kissed him a few times. I was hurt by this but I loved her and we worked things out. We got married about 2 years later.

 

This situation of course came up in counseling and she admitted that they did more than just kiss and this thing went on for weeks, not a few days. She claims she didn't have intercourse with him, and claims he never touched her. She said she gave him oral sex twice during this affair. We really haven't talked too much about this since. It hurts like hell and I don't think I can handle any more details.

 

The main reason I'm here is trust. I don't trust her as far as I could throw her right now obviously, and it's really becoming a detriment to everything. Our marriage, my life with my kids, my job, hobbies, you name it. I just can't seem to focus on anything when she's not around. I try my best to not act like it's bothering me when she is around, but it's becoming impossible. She's done the things I've asked her to do to reassure me, but I still don't trust her anymore than I did when all of this came about.

 

I know I will probably never trust her fully again. I just want to know if I can get my life back somewhat to where it used to be. I'm usually a pretty down to earth, confident guy, but all of this has taken it's toll on my ego and self-confidence. Thanks for reading.

[Hop_prophet]

I really feel terrible for you. Of course you should not trust her. She is up to no good and you know it. That is about the lamest excuse I've heard. Why the hell would she go see an ex for work-related stuff? It is clear as day to an outsider that she has cheated on you yet again. Who knows the extent of what else she has done behind your back.

 

She has done something truly horrible and your entire marriage is basically a sham built on a foundation of lies. I doubt you ever would have married her if you knew the truth back then. People like that sicken me. I hope you move on and find someone truly deserving in your life.

[ADF]

Once one partner in a relationship feels they have to resort to snooping and spying, the relationship is dead. Frankly, I don't believe for one moment your wife is telling you the whole truth. I bet you don't know half the stuff she's really been up to. Call a lawyer.

[redmelon]

sadly, it sounds like you are being played the fool. Cut and run on this one.

[threebyfate]

When we were dating, actually living together for 2 years, she said she needed space. I asked her if there was someone else, and she said no. More BS. Anyway, a few days passed without me communicating with her at all when she finally called me. She was crying and begging me to take her back. I told her to come over. We talked and she said she was confused and scared and had met someone else. I asked her what she had done and she said that she went out with this guy twice and kissed him a few times. I was hurt by this but I loved her and we worked things out. We got married about 2 years later.

 

Historical relationship coping behaviour is usually a good indicator for how someone will react in times of current relationship stress.

 

I also think you need to get yourself a good divorce lawyer. If you can afford it, consider a PI. The good ones are worth every penny.

[jesse22]

Thanks for the replies so far. They are pretty much what I expected, which is probably why I've taken so long to post. I have considered divorce, but every time I get up the courage to walk, I think about my kids. They are so young. My parents divorced when I was 7, basically the same age as my oldest. I don't want them growing up like I did. I don't want to see my kids as little as my father saw us, which was on weekends only. I can't handle that. I can't fathom having someone come in and live in my house and raise my children.

 

I have been on my wife for the past year. I've done things that I'm not proud of, but felt I had to do. I'm convinced she isn't cheating on me now. She is going to counseling every week. She is showing improvement. I should probably mention that my wife is a sexual abuse victim. I know this doesn't excuse her behavior, but it explains it a bit, at least. She had a terrible childhood, and this, along with our marital issues, are what she has been working on in therapy.

 

I want our marriage to work. I want our children to grow up happy with both of us here for them. I want to trust her again. Is there anyone here who has gotten past this kind of betrayal, or am I pipe dreaming? Is there no hope for us?

[Darth Vader]

Thanks for the replies so far. They are pretty much what I expected, which is probably why I've taken so long to post. I have considered divorce, but every time I get up the courage to walk, I think about my kids. They are so young. My parents divorced when I was 7, basically the same age as my oldest. I don't want them growing up like I did. I don't want to see my kids as little as my father saw us, which was on weekends only. I can't handle that. I can't fathom having someone come in and live in my house and raise my children.

 

I have been on my wife for the past year. I've done things that I'm not proud of, but felt I had to do. I'm convinced she isn't cheating on me now. She is going to counseling every week. She is showing improvement. I should probably mention that my wife is a sexual abuse victim. I know this doesn't excuse her behavior, but it explains it a bit, at least. She had a terrible childhood, and this, along with our marital issues, are what she has been working on in therapy.

 

I want our marriage to work. I want our children to grow up happy with both of us here for them. I want to trust her again. Is there anyone here who has gotten past this kind of betrayal, or am I pipe dreaming? Is there no hope for us?

 

 

You can't trust this woman! She's been trickle truthing your whole marriage and then some, time to Divorce her! BTW, who says that YOU have to be the one who leaves? She cheated, she leaves!

[jesse22]

You can't trust this woman! She's been trickle truthing your whole marriage and then some, time to Divorce her! BTW, who says that YOU have to be the one who leaves? She cheated, she leaves!

 

Trickle truth. Yeah, this is exactly what our MC said. I brought it up in one of our sessions, and that's when she admitted to the other things she did while we were dating. She has been steadfast about her story with her ex though. Maybe she is telling the truth. Who knows. I just want to get back to my old self again. I'd give anything to get there. This has been the worst year of my life. I'm tired of the angst and the depression that I feel on a daily basis. I hate the thoughts that I constantly have, and the images that pop into my head at random moments that I can't shake. I'm totally burnt out.

Edited June 13, 2010 by jesse22

[mark982]

bring up that you want her to take a lie detecter test, and see what kind of reaction you get.

[gullible]

Once one partner in a relationship feels they have to resort to snooping and spying, the relationship is dead. Frankly, I don't believe for one moment your wife is telling you the whole truth. I bet you don't know half the stuff she's really been up to.

 

I can relate to this. I have the same situation. I resorted to snooping and spying. Everyone on this board tells me the relationship is dead, but somehow I refuse to accept it.

[seibert253]

Don't trust your wife, tell her. " I don't trust you. You've lied to be before, and your lying to me again. I'm sorry, but I do not for one minute believe your story about your visit to see your ex. If I can't trust you, I can't stay married to you. I'm seriously considering D'ing you."

 

Leave it at that, then start your 180 cold and hard. (If you're not familar, read up on the 180 here).

 

You've put up with this long enough. She needs to understand there are consquences for her actions. I'm not saying pull the trigger and D her, but she needs to think you are. Otherwise she will never change.

 

Be straight up with her, don't hold back, and don't be afraid to hurt her feelings abit.

[gullible]

Leave it at that, then start your 180 cold and hard. (If you're not familar, read up on the 180 here).

 

What is a 180 and how do I read up on it? I clicked Search and could not find anything on 180.

[jesse22]

Don't trust your wife, tell her. " I don't trust you. You've lied to be before, and your lying to me again. I'm sorry, but I do not for one minute believe your story about your visit to see your ex. If I can't trust you, I can't stay married to you. I'm seriously considering D'ing you."

 

Leave it at that, then start your 180 cold and hard. (If you're not familar, read up on the 180 here).

 

You've put up with this long enough. She needs to understand there are consquences for her actions. I'm not saying pull the trigger and D her, but she needs to think you are. Otherwise she will never change.

 

Be straight up with her, don't hold back, and don't be afraid to hurt her feelings abit.

 

Regarding your first paragraph, I have said that to her almost verbatim. This is why I said we have discussed it -ad nauseum. She knows how I feel about it, and she denies anything emotional or physical. It almost got to the point where I wanted her to admit something to basically prove my suspicions to be right.

 

She knows I'm not playing games this time. I left for a while after I found out about the ex, and when she called me I told her I wasn't sure when, or if I was coming back. She knows that divorce was a definite possiblilty for her actions. I said some pretty hurtful things, and showed my backbone. Not my intentions, but made her cry on a few occasions.

 

I know it's different for everyone. I'm just wondering how long it will take, if ever, for her to prove to me she can be trusted.

[Hop_prophet]

I don't understand why you are convinced she is telling you the truth. She obviously has no issue lying to you in the past. If she was innocent she would be doing everything in her power to PROVE it. Like showing you those text and emails. Why would she hide them and hide the facebook screen if she was in contact with him for work related reasons? You have your blinders on. She has already shown you her true character but it seems you don't want to believe it. She is acting exactly like a guilty person and I think she is gaslighting you.

 

The only way to verify and gain some trust is the lie detector test. Put her in the car and spring it on her while driving to get it done. You don't even need to schedule the test as her reaction will tell you all you need to know.

[jesse22]

I don't understand why you are convinced she is telling you the truth.

 

I never said this. I may have suggested that she is being honest, but I am not convinced. As a matter of fact, my biggest fear right now is believing her and finding out 5 or 10 years from now, maybe when I'm healed and I trust her again, that she was lying the whole time.

 

She obviously has no issue lying to you in the past. If she was innocent she would be doing everything in her power to PROVE it. Like showing you those text and emails. Why would she hide them and hide the facebook screen if she was in contact with him for work related reasons? You have your blinders on. She has already shown you her true character but it seems you don't want to believe it. She is acting exactly like a guilty person and I think she is gaslighting you..

 

I know she has no issue lying, hence the lack of trust. As far as the texts go, she couldn't show them to me. She deleted them soon after sending/receiving them. I checked her phone the morning after they were texting, and they were gone. Searching the computer history, there were no emails. Just FB IM conversations that do not show up in a history search. I know she has shown her bad character. That's why she is in counseling. Can people change? Can she change? I don't know, honestly. I'm hoping so. If she didn't care, would she be going to counseling?

 

The only way to verify and gain some trust is the lie detector test. Put her in the car and spring it on her while driving to get it done. You don't even need to schedule the test as her reaction will tell you all you need to know.

 

If I ever get to this point, I will divorce her first.

[Hop_prophet]

Well then you are stuck in a catch 22. If she deleted all the evidence then the only real way to verify is the test at which point you will divorce. I just don't get the reasoning. The test seems necessary to me for you to continue the marriage. The trust is already broken so how does it hurt? Surely that is better than just taking her word for it and continuing without any validation.

 

If her intentions were not bad she would have no reason to delete those communications. The only reason you seem to think she isn't cheating on you is because she told you so. I don't want to add to your pain but it looks really really bad to me. Staying a toxic relationship like this will be worse for your children than if you sever the ties now.

 

Good luck. I hope I am wrong.

[lkjh]

Man the only reason to delete text messages are to hide something.

 

You can hire people that can retrieve deleted computer files. Nothing is ever permanently deleted

 

with that said I think 10 years from now you will find out more. She is a liar and you will never get the entire story

[jesse22]

Man the only reason to delete text messages are to hide something.

 

You can hire people that can retrieve deleted computer files. Nothing is ever permanently deleted

 

with that said I think 10 years from now you will find out more. She is a liar and you will never get the entire story

 

She admits that she deleted them to hide the fact that she was talking to him and met up with him. She knew it was inappropriate since we agreed that when we signed up for FB, we would not be in contact with any ex's.

 

Can you expand on retrieving deleted computer files? This all happened about a year ago and we have a new laptop now. I still have the old one, but it doesn't work. It powers up, but doesn't do much else. Is there a way to still get them?

[lkjh]

Get a computer guy, I have heard that they can retrieve anything. Contact a computer store and see if they recommend anyone. I know PI's usually have someone on staff

[on1wheel]

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but I am 2.5 yrs out from D-day, even had a 2nd child; yet NOTHING is the same as B4.

I just don't trust her, as you don't trust ur W. Guess what? We shouldn't, as our guts & their lies have told us who they really are.

If you stay, be prepared for daily suffering, wondering, fear & general misery. Of course that will be mixed with good times when ur able to forget, but there will be dark times.

I stayed for my 19 mth old babies sake. My W does almost anything she can to try & make it up to me, but I can never forget the things she did...period.

Whenever I forget about the lies & her A I really am happy, but it ALWAYS comes back; often @ the most inopertune times.

Stay or go my friend; either way has it's pro's & con's. Which path will bring you the most happiness?