confused about seperation

[LOSTINSPACE]

I'm new to this website. I was searching the web for any help for what I'm dealing with. I've been married 5 years, been together with my husband 8 years. Lately I feel like I'm trapped. My husband through the years has taken me up and down constantly. I've tried and tried to get him to go to the doctor for his mood swings, but he would tell me "yes dear I'll go, I want to get better" coarse it never happened. We have a 1-1/2 year old son and I know it puts stress on him too. I finally had enough and I wrote him a letter stating that I was tired of dealing with the constant mood swings and that I wasn't sure if I loved him anymore. I also told him I wanted to seperate. Well this definitely opened his eyes. But now he's trying to be some person he's not to try and keep us together. He keeps asking questions like do I still love him, will I be there when he gets better. He's repeats constantly that he dosen't want to seperate. He thinks that if we do it will be over. I feel like I need some freedom from taking care of him and everything he puts on us. Also to find out if its just his mood swings, or if I just want to be alone, or if I've just fell out of love with him. He never does anything for me, never goes anywhere with me and never shows effection unless I'm mad at him. Were going to talk more about the seperation today, but he won't just do it. No matter if thats what I need. How can I deal with the fact he won't let me go, so that I can make sense of what I feel? I don't plan on going and running around. The point is to be alone. What should I do to explain to him that I need this seperation for the both of us to get better?

[Benedict]

...stick to it!

 

Only you can decide if you are indeed at that point of wanting separation. You have made the call, and you have told him. Now that you are at that point, I would say to not reneg on that statement. It will take away any power you have to help effect a change in your marriage.

 

Some might call it blackmail: "do this or I go!". But you are deciding what you are able to live with - and what not. If he has failed to follow through on things he has said he would do in the past, then he needs to know that is not acceptable! He is free to do (and not do) what he wants; that is free will. But if he expects to maintain a marriage and family with you, there are responsibilities he must address.

 

If you told him you would leave if he doesn't do "X", then you stay, even though he NOT done "X", you will have affirmed for him that he can just do whatever with no consequences.

 

My advice (and everyone else feel freet o tell me I am wrong) would be to separate, like you said. Let him know there are certain concrete things that must happen before you will consider coming back. That gives him the opportunity to show his commitment. Then, set about helping him to do what he needs to do. Maybe even a specific time, say three months. Tell him there needs to be improvement in those days, not just seeking out help. Sounds like he might be manic-depressive, but I am no doctor.

 

Good luck, hon

[xalysabethh]

no real advice i just hope things go well i just got done with a seperatin with my husband they can be hard we have decided to work ont hings but it was a hard few months

xalysabeht

[Misshavoc]

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[LOSTINSPACE]

Thank you for the reply. It took some fighting but I finally got him to move out. I still see him everyday cause he watches our child during the day, but that will soon end too. I think he still thinks even after 5 days that I'm just gonna tell him to come back. But I won't do that, I'm happy without him there. I feel kind of guilty that I am, but with him gone their is less stress on me. I still have some stress, because i keep thinking about whether or not I want to be with him in the long run. Coarse him writing down his feelings everyday for me to read dosen't help me forget. I guess I just need to stick with this for awhile and maybe the answer will just come to me. At least I hope it will....

[Jules]

AMEN! Someone who feels the same way as me. I'm seriously considering seperation now. I just want to get away. Be alone. Have some peace! Thinking by being apart will help us to appreaciate each other more. Then again, it just may be the beginning of the end.

 

GOOD LUCK! Jules

[JulieAnna]

Jules, you and me both. I don't know what me and my husband are going thru - the last time we spoke on Friday night it was me running out the door and away from two hours of him verbally assaulting me and insulting me.

 

I've only been married 3-4 months and I'm separated (I guess). I was hesitant to get married but caved in to the pressure. Then realized I made a huge mistake.

 

I haven't moved in with my husband because of my fears of his bad temper (and many other issues). He expected me to move in and become a typical wife who'd take care of him, clean house, cook, take care of his son, etc. Some things he said after we got married made me take a cold look at the fact I think he married me just to fill a void - he didn't marry ME as a person.

 

Thus my refusal to move in until we clarrified some issues and he made me feel a bit more secure about giving up my life has resulted in him hating me and telling me I betrayed him and let him down.

 

I saw his high strung personality emerge as well as a bad temper AFTER we got married. He kept it under control the 7 months we dated.

 

We saw a counselor and she told him he needed to stop being angry at me and try to love me and "date" me again. She said he needed to work on building up my trust. She told me to set a date as to when I'd move in with him.

 

Nevertheless, I set a date but he's done nothing - he's become ruthless and pissed even more so that I haven't moved in. You see, I have embarrassed him in front of his family and neighbors. They all want to know why I am not living with him.

 

So he's torturing me and says until I move in he won't love me. That's a marriage off to a good start! He hates my guts and tells me I'm a horrible wife!!!

 

I don't know where this mess took a turn for the worse but as hard as I try to deal with making things work and plan on moving in with him - he destroys my trust daily with his insults.

 

I'm giving up - I guess we're separated. I dunno since he won't talk. He's pulled his silent treatment acts on me before and I always come crawling back to him apologizing and wanting to work things out.

 

Not this time.

[journey3]

Stick to your guns! I think in time it will come to you. Especially when he's not around everyday. I wish you all the best!

 

Kathy

[amish]

My opinion:

 

Separation = Kiss of death for a marriage

[JulieAnna]

I agree that separation is the kiss of death for a marriage. Last week we were at a church counselor and he was professing his undying love for me and how he wanted this marriage to be forever.

 

Now he's cut off my cell phone (he got the phone for me) and has cancelled me and my son from his health/dental insurance plan.

 

It's his tactic of "I'll show her!". Luckily I kept my own cell phone and can eventually get insurance elsewhere.

 

It's just the meanness of it all - he intentionally wants to hurt me and insult me just because I haven't moved in to his house and been a wife to him and HIS son. Forget my son - he's never been important.

 

My son wants me to get a divorce - he never liked him to begin with and always told me "There's another side to that man - he can't be trusted".