Kiss from Ex

[redpoppy]

Hi Guys. Not sure if this belongs here but wasn't sure where it did belong!! I've been divorced for 2 years after having been brilliantly happily married for 33 years. He divorced me and is now living with another lady. I don't want to say much more but can you tell me is it right that he should kiss me on the lips when saying goodbye? Is this right in any circumstances with an ex to an ex? It's only just happened, but happened twice. I'm not with anyone and i think he knows this whereas he has his lady living with him in his house.

[tojaz]

Whats right or wrong can only be defined by the people living it. After 33 years you would know better then us, trust your instincts. Or, better yet, lay it out and ask him. I know for me, I don't kiss friends. So if I kiss anyone, it means something and it means something if someone kisses me and thats not something I share with anybody else. Boundries!

 

TOJAZ

[redpoppy]

Thanks Tojaz. When we were separated not yet divorced but still taking out our grandchildren every Saturday afternoon together, i remember he always kissed me goodbye on the cheek. I remember getting cross about it as we weren't divorced and the next time he tried to hit my cheek, i turned my head so that it was on the lips...........hmmm He also texts me not often but when i least expect it, just a nice friendly text hoping i'm ok and i always reply that i am and i hope he is too!!!!

[trippi1432]

Thanks Tojaz. When we were separated not yet divorced but still taking out our grandchildren every Saturday afternoon together, i remember he always kissed me goodbye on the cheek. I remember getting cross about it as we weren't divorced and the next time he tried to hit my cheek, i turned my head so that it was on the lips...........hmmm He also texts me not often but when i least expect it, just a nice friendly text hoping i'm ok and i always reply that i am and i hope he is too!!!!

 

Hi RedPoppy - I agree that there should be boundaries....you are the ex with a strong running of emotions for the Husband, but unsure of his intentions. I am assuming that he did not leave you for the lady friend that he lives with, perhaps she came along after the fact; however, what I see is someone getting hurt here if this continues.

 

After 33 years of marriage, I'm sure you are both at a very mature age....but this sounds like a game going on. Don't get caught in the middle and become the OW to the lady friend or vice-versa as the case very well could become on a recon. Someone is going to get hurt very bad...and it could very well be you (I speak from experience)... I don't look at this as a case of friends...there are 33 years of the history of a marriage here...that's more than friends.

[tojaz]

Thanks Tojaz. When we were separated not yet divorced but still taking out our grandchildren every Saturday afternoon together, i remember he always kissed me goodbye on the cheek. I remember getting cross about it as we weren't divorced and the next time he tried to hit my cheek, i turned my head so that it was on the lips...........hmmm He also texts me not often but when i least expect it, just a nice friendly text hoping i'm ok and i always reply that i am and i hope he is too!!!!

 

Adding that context adds a bit of meaning in my eyes. Switch it up next time. When he tries for the kiss, let him land on the cheek and see what his reaction is.

 

Tojaz

[redpoppy]

Thanks Guys for your input. It was a difficult time. I left him whilst going through the worst depression of my life. I just had to get away from my life, not really him but my home which i didnt understand cos it was my sanctuary but it was also my prison. Anyhow we remained seeing one another all the time cooking holidaying weekends in each others company night visits, yet living in separate places. Whilst this was going on and i couldnt work out what was wrong, i kissed my husband on the lips in front of all his family and that night he first went off with the ow who had let him know she wanted him. He had thought i was demeaning his feelings by the kiss because i had said, that will get them talking. We sometimes don't say the right things and i certainly shouldn't have said it. Long story cut short, he confessed to the relationship, i reacted with great upset and he came back to me. We were having a wonderful 2nd honeymoon when he said the door is still open but you just have to stop cleaning, i've got used to not living like that any more!! I went inside my shell again and just knew i couldnt go home. He eventually went back to the ow behind my back and when he asked me for a divorce i had a complete mental breakdown. I was then diagnosed with suffering with severe ocd. Had it all my life but never knew. Thought i was going mad. Thought i was a horrible person. He couldn't believe i hadn't known i had it and said he couldnt just 'dump' her a second time. He was too worried i would push him away again and he chose to go with her and we eventually divorced 3 years after the breakdown. He moved out of our marital home and bought his own bungalow and then shortly after, she sold her home and moved in with him. I have no idea if they are happy. I only know i cut off all ties with him as i was hurting so much, then gradually the texts and now the kisses!!

[tojaz]

Thanks Guys for your input. It was a difficult time. I left him whilst going through the worst depression of my life. I just had to get away from my life, not really him but my home which i didnt understand cos it was my sanctuary but it was also my prison.

 

Ok, that has my attention. So are these issues resolved for you?

 

 

I only know i cut off all ties with him as i was hurting so much, then gradually the texts and now the kisses!!

 

Reason I ask is, it sounds like in his mind it could have felt that he was driven to OW. (Doesn't make it right) but that he would still have feelings for you but couldn't cope with having you disengage from the marriage. Perhaps he has seen you in a better light now that time has passed?

 

TOJAZ

[redpoppy]

Thank you Tojaz. Yes i've addressed and addressing my ocd problems and have openly helped to raise money for the charity and also appeared in several publications re my disorder to further help others recognise they might be suffering and where to get help. He knows this, as he knows i've not been in any relationships since our divorce and the breakdown. The kisses made me feel that he 'respected' me and what i had gone through. I asked for his help with my car as i had no one else to ask and he fixed my dead battery for me. As my car stays at my daughters house, I heard through her that it was fixed and i text him to say thanks and was a bit jokey but then he didn't even respond to that. It puzzles me to say the least. It's his birthday tomorrow and we've been wishing each other happy birthday for the past couple of years. If he's happy with her then i just want to leave him alone but if he isn't then i want to do everything i can to fight for him...........

[tojaz]

Thank you Tojaz. Yes i've addressed and addressing my ocd problems and have openly helped to raise money for the charity and also appeared in several publications re my disorder to further help others recognise they might be suffering and where to get help. He knows this, as he knows i've not been in any relationships since our divorce and the breakdown. The kisses made me feel that he 'respected' me and what i had gone through.

 

Well, it is quite lucky you both have remained in contact so that he was able to see that. If he has a healthy respect for what you have gone through, then he can be understanding of the situation. Possibly ready to listen to some of it.

 

 

I asked for his help with my car as i had no one else to ask and he fixed my dead battery for me. As my car stays at my daughters house, I heard through her that it was fixed and i text him to say thanks and was a bit jokey but then he didn't even respond to that. It puzzles me to say the least.

 

Mixed signals, I can fully understand, have been coping with something similar from my ex. Friendly contact, but when I reciprocate in kind, no response. Wish I had an answer for you, but my best guess would be fear. You say you had left and reconciled and left again, he may be afraid that if he gets too close, he may be in store for the same. Nothing hurts more then to have hope built up only to have it dashed once again.

 

 

It's his birthday tomorrow and we've been wishing each other happy birthday for the past couple of years. If he's happy with her then i just want to leave him alone but if he isn't then i want to do everything i can to fight for him...........

 

Well, thats the hard part. Hes probably not going to just stand up and tell you. I have many people who tell me to go and see my ex, find out whats on her mind, and I have many things i would love to shout from the roof tops, but I dont because of fear and the memory of the hurt I just went through.

 

Being you are the one that effectively ended the marriage, I would say that it would be put on you to make the first move. Just a simple gesture, such as offering him your cheek instead of your lips like I said before. Followed by "Sorry, but I dont kiss unavailable men, but if you were single......" That sounds blunt, but us guys are dumb and sometimes need a knock in the head to get the idea.

 

TOJAZ

[redpoppy]

Thank you once again Tojaz both for your time and your understanding. Yes i know he's fearful as i hurt him very badly. I ran away when i should have trusted him but my own fears were such that i rejected myself before i got rejected but all this i could only see with hindsight and the finding out of what was wrong with me. We met up for a drink after he had been 'seeing' her for almost a year and my breakdown and we talked a bit and he told me 'he wasn't in love with her' i said oh thank god. It was hard becase we were both hurt so not a lot of things got said but i know the strength of his love for me and mine for him before the ocd got too much to bear. Another thing, when we were having divorce mediation to help us, he told the counsellor that his 'partner' would be moving in with him but that he didn't know where it was going!! non commital or what. It gave me hope and yet it was him that instigated the divorce and him that did the 'true' rejection in the end.

 

Should i send a flirty text tomorrow on his birthday or just let him know that i respect and admire him just like i always did. I love him too but don't think it would be right to say so right now.

 

You are very kind to keep answering. I will go and see if i can find your story and see if i have any thoughts on your situation.

[PWSX3]

My former wife left me over a year ago, I started dating someone soon after our divorce.

April my G/F broke up with me, two weeks later I get an email from my former wife inviting me to sit with her at her church.

I replied asking what was going on? In nicer words then that of coarse.:D:D

 

To make it short she heard we had broke up, she has never been happy since the divorce & wants to get back together. :eek:

 

I feel it takes two to make a marriage & it also takes those two to break it up as well. Might not be even sided but both parties have a part in it. So my question to you is; do you see any changes in your ex that he is growing as a person?

Do you see any changes in how he is trying to better himself??

 

You have already shared that you are looking at yourself & that you want to better yourself.

So if you don't see changes, would you be willing to take him back knowing who he was & would that fit into the new person you are becoming???

 

Sorry lots of questions, but I feel after a divorce there should be change & it should be positive because if it's not then getting back together won't work.

 

As for his B-day, you could just wish him a happy B-day & be done with that.

 

I was also wondering if you are wanting to get back together have you thought of sending him a letter/email explaining what was wrong on your part, what you are doing to correct it, etc???

Like tojaz said; us guys are a little slow & sometimes we have to be reminded about things. Maybe he doesn't see you are interested in him. Maybe he thinks you are just being nice.

 

I agree with Tojaz, if you really want to get back with him you need to lead since you were the one that left, but like you said; if he is happy with this other girl (which I doubt he is if he is kissing you) then you need to give him the space.

[tojaz]

Thank you once again Tojaz both for your time and your understanding. Yes i know he's fearful as i hurt him very badly. I ran away when i should have trusted him but my own fears were such that i rejected myself before i got rejected but all this i could only see with hindsight and the finding out of what was wrong with me. We met up for a drink after he had been 'seeing' her for almost a year and my breakdown and we talked a bit and he told me 'he wasn't in love with her' i said oh thank god. It was hard becase we were both hurt so not a lot of things got said but i know the strength of his love for me and mine for him before the ocd got too much to bear. Another thing, when we were having divorce mediation to help us, he told the counsellor that his 'partner' would be moving in with him but that he didn't know where it was going!! non commital or what. It gave me hope and yet it was him that instigated the divorce and him that did the 'true' rejection in the end.

 

Should i send a flirty text tomorrow on his birthday or just let him know that i respect and admire him just like i always did. I love him too but don't think it would be right to say so right now.

 

You are very kind to keep answering. I will go and see if i can find your story and see if i have any thoughts on your situation.

 

No thank you necessary Redpoppy, I've been on LS for quite awhile and have received a lot of help from the fine folks here. I'm not out of the woods yet, not even close, but I do my best to share the things that I have learned with the hopes of helping others here. If you want to see my threads, better pack a lunch, there is a lot here. If you click my name to the left all my posts are listed under statistics if you want to know my tale.

 

I don't think flirty is the right approach. You have said that he backed away from your jokey texts. I would look at it more subtly, being cautious of his fears and sensitivities, like easing in to a hot bath. Just finding some ways to communicate and to spend some time with him, without pressure should get the ball rolling. While I do not believe my own ex is necessarily looking for reconciliation, I have noticed that when i try to be friendly with her, she tends to run, so slow and steady is the order of the day see my thread "pressure" for more on that if you like.

 

TOJAZ

Edited June 14, 2010 by tojaz

[tojaz]

 

I was also wondering if you are wanting to get back together have you thought of sending him a letter/email explaining what was wrong on your part, what you are doing to correct it, etc???

 

Great post PW. The letter is a good idea, something I have been considering myself, not so much to enable a recon as to give me the peace of knowing I made known how i experienced our marriage, our break up, and our life together in general. May not be a bad idea at all, so long as you are strong enough to handle it if the response is not what you would like.

 

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

Great post PW. The letter is a good idea, something I have been considering myself, not so much to enable a recon as to give me the peace of knowing I made known how i experienced our marriage, our break up, and our life together in general. May not be a bad idea at all, so long as you are strong enough to handle it if the response is not what you would like.

 

TOJAZ

 

I agree, the letter would be a good idea...considering that there were medical issues RedPoppy that you have overcome.

 

Today was Melodie Beattie's devotional for June 13th, I think it has some relevance:

 

We want to travel baggage-free on this journey. It makes the trip easier.

 

Some of the baggage we can let go of is lingering feelings and unfinished business with past relationship: anger; resentments; feelings of victimization, hurt, or longing.

 

If we have not put closure on a relationship, if we cannot walk away in peace, we have not yet learned our lesson. That may mean we will have to have another go-around with that lesson before we are ready to move on.

 

This is where I feel the letter is appropriate in your particular case.

We may want to do a Fourth Step (a written inventory of our relationships) and a Fifth Step (an admission of our wrongs). What feelings did we leave with in a particular relationship? Are we still carrying those feelings around? Do we want the heaviness and impact of that baggage on our behavior today?

 

Are we still feeling victimized, rejected, or bitter about something that happened two, five, ten, or even twenty years ago?

 

It may be time to let it go. It may be time to open ourselves to the true lesson from that past experience. It may be time to put past relationships to rest, so we are free to go on to new, more rewarding experiences.

 

We can choose to live in the past, or we can choose to finish our old business from the past and open ourselves to the beauty of today.

 

Let go of your baggage from past relationships.

 

RedPoppy, my ex has both an OCD and a drinking problem....I recently found out that I have some mental health issues of my own....for me, my relationship is pretty much over and I have no interest in writing him a letter as I could not see a recon in our future. Nor would the letter do any good as he only sees what is wrong with me and fails to admit any wrong-doing on his part....pretty much, I failed him.

 

However, seeing that you have realized your issues and overcome them, a letter might be worth exploring....same with you Tojaz. Granted, expectations of a new relationship may be totally different than the old one, that is the baggage that needs to be let go off. Let go of what used to be there, any of the past hurts....the problems and just be open about what you have learned.

 

In my case, I know it is time to let go and move on without my ex....but with the changes in your cases, it appears that a letter might be in order for what you have learned and overcome.

[redpoppy]

Hi Guys. Ok i went along with my fealings and my knowledge of my ex and text him a birthday message first thing in which i sent a birthday kiss to the man i loved admired respected and loved and wished him many many happy returns. Did he reply? yes he did - very short and sweet, straight back at me with Thank you day off today yippee !!! Then we met up when he came to visit our daughter and we sat around the table having a drink together, a chat and when he left, i got another kiss on the lips........... Is he just being a friendly ex or is it more?

[redpoppy]

Oooops meant to say my text read:- sending a birthday kiss to the man i love respect admire and miss not love mentioned twice lol

[PWSX3]

Then we met up when he came to visit our daughter and we sat around the table having a drink together, a chat and when he left, i got another kiss on the lips........... Is he just being a friendly ex or is it more?

He is getting his cake & eating it too!!!!!

He has a girlfriend at home, & also getting a little affection from his ex.

When I was married I had a few female friends that would kiss me on the lips once in a while.

 

Looking back, I feel I was not secure with myself, I was looking everywhere for acceptance. I had my wife at home, but still getting that attention from others.

 

No I AM NOT proud of what I did specially looking back, but at the time the "ONLY" thing I was concerned about was "ME".......I'm sure if you tell him no more he will treat you a LOT different.

[trippi1432]

Oooops meant to say my text read:- sending a birthday kiss to the man i love respect admire and miss not love mentioned twice lol

 

Again, this is why you need to lay it out.....why is he fine now with kissing you on the lips and being all "sweet".....

 

My ex made this sweeping, last ditch effort to show me that he cared a long time ago....even to the extent of the swoop me up in his arms and give me a passionate kiss, not long after we split up (but was living with another woman). Sorry, didn't work with me.....I made him call his other woman to tell her where he was...of course she didn't answer. I do think that she knows about it as she will not allow him to come to the house by himself ever again.

 

So, two years divorced....33 year history....who do you want to be....the loving side of the re-birth of a marriage you were happy with.....or the new other woman?

[tojaz]

Redpoppy, I think you were a bit to forward. I know you obviously know him better then I, but unless you are looking to share him, he has to know that he has to make a choice. Otherwise you can find himself stuck in limbo. I like the suggestion a smart good looking guy said...

 

When he tries for the kiss, let him land on the cheek and see what his reaction is.

 

Either way though, you put it out there and now the balls in his court, but its up to you to decide what and how much you give him while hes deciding. Your worth that kind of respect.

 

TOJAZ

[redpoppy]

Hi Guys thank you for more input. There is no way i would ever become the OW, it's just not me and i would not put myself in that position. I had it done to me and i could never do it to someone else, even the woman who did it to me!! I think my ex must know this. I only wanted him to know that my love has never faltered. What he does with it is now up to him and i will just carry on living my life and finding happiness in whatever and wherever i can according to my morals and beliefs. As you said Tojaz, the ball is now in his court and i will not be bothering him in any way, apart from when we meet by accident at our daughters or my parents! He is a decent and honorourable man which is why i asked the question in the first place. He will be trying to be decent with whatever is going on with him. Thanks again Guys.

[tojaz]

Yes Redpoppy, the ball is in his court, but that doesn't mean to stop playing. If that is where his head is at, then hes going to need some reassurance that it is safe, otherwise, I doubt he would stick his neck out. Your in a good place for this, meaning that you want to try but feel you will be ok without him as well. That is the best place to be. Keep us posted and best of luck!

 

TOJAZ

[redpoppy]

Very wise words Tojaz and yes i do feel at a good place within myself so just have to keep reinforcing this when an opportunity arises. I will definately keep you posted as i may need your male perspective on future happenings. Thank you very much to each and every one of you who has given me your thoughts on his sudden kisses. Pops

[redpoppy]

Hi Guys. Well I bumped into him again today at my Mums as it's her birthdy and he came around with a card and a gift, also Father's day card and gift for Dad. Our daughter and grandchildren were there and it was very busy so not much time for anything really. I took myself off out to watch the children play and when he went on with everyone, he did come over to where i was and kiss me bye again, only this time the kiss landed a bit off the lips whether by accident or intent i don't know. However, he's still kissing me when he hasn't done it in ages, it's kind of started up again. Does anything think an honest in depth letter about all i went through back then which lead to me leaving him and then his leaving me would be a good idea or should i just keep on smiling and accepting the kisss be they on the cheek on the lips or half and half???

[carhill]

If he isn't the kind of guy who feels up and/or kisses any woman he can get an opportunity with (I know plenty of guys like that, some married), then, somewhere, something has triggered an impetus for that action. It might be the Cheers effect, remembering the past good times, or it might be remnants of the chemistry you once had. IDK.

 

I can tell you I'd have no interest in kissing stbx in any way shape or form. Dead, done, gone. YMMV.

[tojaz]

Hi Guys. Well I bumped into him again today at my Mums as it's her birthdy and he came around with a card and a gift, also Father's day card and gift for Dad. Our daughter and grandchildren were there and it was very busy so not much time for anything really. I took myself off out to watch the children play and when he went on with everyone, he did come over to where i was and kiss me bye again, only this time the kiss landed a bit off the lips whether by accident or intent i don't know. However, he's still kissing me when he hasn't done it in ages, it's kind of started up again. Does anything think an honest in depth letter about all i went through back then which lead to me leaving him and then his leaving me would be a good idea or should i just keep on smiling and accepting the kiss be they on the cheek on the lips or half and half???

 

I like the letter idea actually. Would be very good for you to just get it all out on paper. I'm the type that is extra cautious with my heart lately though, so i would want him to tip his hand a bit so as not to open your self up to high hopes and more hurt. Find an opportunity to "run into him" and beat him to the kiss. Nothing more then what he has been giving you, but it could prompt him to speak his mind if he sees hes not the one taking all the initiative. If its a favorable response, send the letter.

 

TOJAZ