considering breaking-up after boyfriend gets lapdance - long post

[ma2b]

when you say how does that underpin my importance? how does what? the lap dance?

In his eyes he would be thinking and wanting to have a lap dancer in his bed instead of me?? lol. I don't know... I guess by letting another woman touch him like that makes me feel less important, yes. I feel very disrespected.

When a man has flirted with me, sometimes I feel like flirting back, for some fun! but never would... And thats just flirting.. And if I did flirt with a man, or danced up against one, i would feel guilty as hell, i simply just wouldn't do it out of respect for my partner.

I don't really know what I'm going to do now. He only got home about an hour before I posted this, so when i posted it i was still very much emotional. Now I am a little calmer. I think I will sleep on the couch tonight and see how I feel in the morning. I know this is selfish of me, but I feel the only way I will be happy is if he agrees that he will never have a lap dance again, and I don't think this should be a big deal for him, it's not like I'm asking him to stay locked in the house or not to see his friends. I'm sure he can go the rest of his life without a stripper rubbing him up! but how will I ever know if he does or not.. I just don't know if I can trust him...

[ma2b]

shakz.. for $20 if she is dancing on and around you she would still be touching you?

and he said it was $70 for a standard lap dance but his friends paid the $100 so he could touch? I didn't know you were allowed to touch them? He said he didn't, and I don't know whether to believe him or not. He said they went into a private room for it.. What else would they do extra ?? How much more physical can a lap dance get??

[Shakz]

shakz.. for $20 if she is dancing on and around you she would still be touching you?

and he said it was $70 for a standard lap dance but his friends paid the $100 so he could touch? I didn't know you were allowed to touch them? He said he didn't, and I don't know whether to believe him or not. He said they went into a private room for it.. What else would they do extra ?? How much more physical can a lap dance get??

 

You don't want to know, Sweetie. Technically, you are not allowed to touch them, and they are not allowed to touch you on purpose. Hence, the private room. All apologies. By on I meant over.

Edited June 12, 2010 by Shakz

[ADF]

Frankly, I think a woman is within her rights to insist her man not get lap dances. It isn't quite the same thing as, say, looking at porn. All men look at porn. However, lap dances involve contact with a living, breathing human being, which puts it in a different category.

 

That said, if you recogize yourself as an extremely jealous and insecure person, that is something you need to deal with. It is not fair to expect your partners to endlessly appease emotions you yourself know are unreasonable.

 

You say you don't want to be a single mother. Sadly, it sounds to me like you're headed there anyway. If you are 5 months along and this guy has yet to make a firm commitment to you, I doubt very much he will.

[ma2b]

yeah.. I knew it was pretty bad.. he looked guilty as soon as he got home! I thought maybe he had ****ed some girl he'd met at a club... This isn't as bad as that.. but, still.. I can't believe he called me a sook now. I knew a private room must be a lot more than just the lap dance he was saying it was.

[Citizen Erased]

I find it to be inappropriate but there are far more important things at stake than what you're worrying about. You're pregnant, you owe it to your child to work on your relationship. Unless he paid her for a whole lot extra in the private room, be adults and work through this.

 

Your insecurity will only eat at you, he has no excuse for his actions but really, he shouldn't have to tip toe around you because you use your insecurity as an excuse to be...well, insecure. How do you expect to have a happy, healthy relationship with someone when your relationship is like that?

 

Counselling, now. You both have things to work on.

[ma2b]

ADF, That's what I said to him, a living breathing person is a whole lot different from porn. I don't care about porn.. but he said it is just like 3D porn?? Stupid hey.

 

And CitizenErased. I think we will try to work it out. But, only if he agrees lap dances are def out of the question and whether of not I can believe him. If I wasn't pregnant I would say good bye to him straight away! But, since I am, I am going to try to make it work, but at the same time I am not going to live a life with someone who disrespects me for the sake of my child. I would rather move on and be a happier person for my child.

[Citizen Erased]

And CitizenErased. I think we will try to work it out. But, only if he agrees lap dances are def out of the question and whether of not I can believe him. If I wasn't pregnant I would say good bye to him straight away! But, since I am, I am going to try to make it work, but at the same time I am not going to live a life with someone who disrespects me for the sake of my child. I would rather move on and be a happier person for my child.

I agree and damn right you should, if he proves untrustworthy after you have set very clear boundaries after this, to go your separate ways. I really hope it works out for your guys, if you both put in the effort it definitely can.

 

Good luck. And I really do suggest you both attend counselling together. Him sitting there saying you're overreacting is childish and not productive at all and I can't see him changing that mindset when it's just you and him going at it.

[ma2b]

I would love to have counseling. However I don't think he would agree to seeing someone, and I also don't think we could afford it. It's very sad to think out relationship has came to this when it was really great once upon a time. Thanks for your posts :

)

[TaraMaiden]

when you say how does that underpin my importance? how does what? the lap dance?

No, not that.

How does

"constantly going to think I'm not good enough and that I don't satisfy him...."

 

....underpin your importance?

If you continue to nurture and cultivate negative thoughts about yourself, you're not only going to end up believing them - you're going to blaze out an attitude that will convince him you're right. You have to turn that thinking around.....

 

 

In his eyes he would be thinking and wanting to have a lap dancer in his bed instead of me?? lol. I don't know... I guess by letting another woman touch him like that makes me feel less important, yes. I feel very disrespected.

That is understandable. That, I can see and understand. but don't you ever let yourself imagine, think or believe that you're not good enough and that you don't satisfy him.

When a man has flirted with me, sometimes I feel like flirting back, for some fun! but never would... And thats just flirting.. And if I did flirt with a man, or danced up against one, i would feel guilty as hell, i simply just wouldn't do it out of respect for my partner.

I think in many ways, women have a tighter control on their conscience. Not always, but generally. It's because sex, to a woman, byandlarge, signifies an emotional attachment. Men are more capable of separating sex from the emotional tie.

 

 

I don't really know what I'm going to do now. He only got home about an hour before I posted this, so when i posted it i was still very much emotional. Now I am a little calmer. I think I will sleep on the couch tonight and see how I feel in the morning.

Why?

To punish him, or to emphasise your own opinion? What's your motivation?

I'm just asking to help you think things through clearly....

 

I know this is selfish of me, but I feel the only way I will be happy is if he agrees that he will never have a lap dance again, and I don't think this should be a big deal for him, it's not like I'm asking him to stay locked in the house or not to see his friends. I'm sure he can go the rest of his life without a stripper rubbing him up! but how will I ever know if he does or not.. I just don't know if I can trust him...

 

And there it is.

The crux of the matter.

It's TRUST.

One of the three, fundamental underpinning qualities every relationship HAS to have.

Trust

Communication, and

Respect.

The tripod that supports the whole two-person thing.

If one of them is bust, damaged, broken or missing - the other two can't hold it up on their own.

You Don't Trust Him.

 

Now that - is a big deal.

[DenverBachelor]

Jesus Christ, he went out with the guys and they goaded him into a lap dance which he felt guilty about and told you about it.

 

A) He didn't buy the dance for himself)

B) He can't lose face around his guy friends.

C) She's a dancer. That's what they do. It's not like it meant anything to her or him.

 

If your mind is that wrapped around this, you need to grow up more. This is life, and if you think what he did is an offence worth breaking up over, then you're beyond the most prudish of prudes.

 

That's almost like me getting mad at a girl for going to her gynaecology appointment because she has a male doctor.

 

You're really wound up tight over something that should be handled with, "BF, I'm not putting out tonight because I'm mad at you," and then off to business as usual the next day. Even that reaction is a bit extreme.

[DenverBachelor]

.

You Don't Trust Him.

 

Now that - is a big deal.

 

He's more justified to break up with her than she is breaking up with him.

 

I'm going to be honest and tell you what happened and you're going to act like this? I don't need it. There are more level-headed people out there.

[Els]

Jesus Christ, he went out with the guys and they goaded him into a lap dance which he felt guilty about and told you about it.

 

A) He didn't buy the dance for himself)

B) He can't lose face around his guy friends.

C) She's a dancer. That's what they do. It's not like it meant anything to her or him.

 

If your mind is that wrapped around this, you need to grow up more. This is life, and if you think what he did is an offence worth breaking up over, then you're beyond the most prudish of prudes.

 

That's almost like me getting mad at a girl for going to her gynaecology appointment because she has a male doctor.

 

Errr no. You getting mad at a girl for being examined by her male doctor would be akin to her getting mad at her bf for having his penis/testicles examined by a female doctor. That was not what happened. A better example would be you getting mad at your girl because she was goaded on by the crowd into giving some other guy a lapdance, since we're talking about lapdances 'not meaning anything to either party' here. But as long as that's all cool...

[Hoovie]

I'm female... I think... (yep... wait)....

 

 

Not ok. I wouldn't be ok with it either. He wouldn't like a manly sweaty man rubbing his body parts all over you... would he?

 

He should have turned down the trip to the strip club, since he had no money and stay home with his very pregnant lady. Or found a way to make some much needed money because lap dances are cheaper than babies.

 

You should have just lap danced him... and not bed danced him.

[spyyder]

I know someone (my friend's cousin) that went through almost the EXACT situation! She was pregnant (can't remember how many months) and her boyfriend got 2 lap dances in a strip club but he did pay for it himself.

 

One of his reasons (perhaps the same for your guy) is that his wife started to lay back on the 'aesthetic' department as the pregancy put her out of shape. Many woman these days really take care of their bodies during pregnancy so that once the baby comes out they can retain as much of their beauty as possible. The ones that don't take care of their bodies tend to be the ones that become victims of adultery.

 

Another reason is that he use to make many business deals in clubs, so he found it awkward when a client was getting a lapdance and he just had to watch. So I guess its similar to your guy, as your guy felt pressured into getting it.

 

Let me tell you that being a single mom is not a great thing! All the single moms out there that say its great, and start to embrace it are lying real bad! My friends's cousin did eventually get a divorce with her husband and life now is a real struggle for her. Without a dad, the wife doesn't have any romance in her life, the daughter grows up without a fatherly figure (probably = slutty daughter) and she doesn't get the support she needs. A single father would have a hard time too, but much easier than a single mom. Also remember that in the real world, getting into a long term relationship is difficult for a single mom as very few guys out there would go out with a woman with a child. This is because we want kids of our own and being with someone else's kid isn't the same, too much drama, no security (it will always be YOUR child) and you feel like your taking care of someone elses responsibility, and you miss the whole operating room/ baby delivery experience. I know that on TV you see it all the time, but I can tell you that most guys would rather date a woman with a prosthetic arm AND leg, than one with a child... harsh but true.

 

All I have to say is that you need to prevent from getting a divorce. ONLY consider it when your 100% fed up. Before that, make him promise you that he'll never do it again, and keep a tight leash on him for a few months (he did do what he did, so don't feel bad). I myself am a VERY jealous person so I can try to understand how upset you are. But unfortunately for you, your in a tough situation as your pregnant with his child so there is that level of dependancy. I can tell you that getting a lapdance is something you can forgive and forget. If he actually cheated on you (had sex with someone else) then yes thats something to get a divorce for..but not this its not bad enough.

 

It was just a lapdance, something you can forgive and forget. Are you going to allow some lapdancing skank ruin your life?

 

Good luck.

Edited June 18, 2010 by spyyder

[Els]

One of his reasons (perhaps the same for your guy) is that his wife started to lay back on the 'aesthetic' department as the pregancy put her out of shape. Many woman these days really take care of their bodies during pregnancy so that once the baby comes out they can retain as much of their beauty as possible. The ones that don't take care of their bodies tend to be the ones that become victims of adultery.

 

This is what infuriates me. She isn't 6 months postpartum and still not losing weight. She is currently PREGNANT. No matter what she does she is going to LOOK pregnant. Each and every man should seriously think about this before they go in and have a kid with a woman. 'She was pregnant, I wasn't getting enough sex/she didn't look good/etc so I had to get my kicks elsewhere' is the lamest excuse I've ever heard. I hope one day these guys come to really love a woman, get their face punched in protecting her from a bunch of thugs, and have her cheat on them with the excuse, 'He looked like frankenstein, I needed to lay with a man whom I found attractive'.

[Adunaphel]

I find this thread upsetting.

Ma2b said she is very jealous and insecure.

Her bf knew that.

So it's one more reason to *avoid* going to a strip club or at least to decline the lap dance.

 

Ma2b, I am a female, I would react the same way you did. Well, I'd probably react even worse.

My bf would not consider going to a strip club such a big deal. But after we talked about it and I let him know how I feel about them, I would be very disappointed, in the least, if he went to one.

 

It is great that your bf were honest about it, but not hiding it is the very minimum he could do. It's not like you should suck up everything just because your partner is honest about it.

 

I wonder whether he did not realize how much a lap dance would affect you. You said that him going to a strip club was not a problem, so perhaps he just assumed a lap dance was okay, too.

 

I would not break up with him over a lap dance...expecially not if he had no idea how much it would affect you.

His reaction is much more important.

Can he understand your point of view?

Is he willing to put your feelings above pressure from your friends in future?

Can you be sure this is not going to happen again?

Can you trust him in future?

[TaraMaiden]

Without a dad, the wife doesn't have any romance in her life, the daughter grows up without a fatherly figure (probably = slutty daughter) and she doesn't get the support she needs.

 

And this is absolutely totally utterly crap too.

I know far too many single mothers to count and I promise you - as I live and breathe - the women who are far better off without their loser husbands/partners and going it alone, far outnumber those who are not doing so well. There is a huge support system in place for single mums, and their children are not all growing up dysfunctional slutty daughters or wayward hooligans.

 

 

Also remember that in the real world, getting into a long term relationship is difficult for a single mom as very few guys out there would go out with a woman with a child.

 

Also widly inaccurate. the amount of people in second relationships is very high. Much higher than you assume...

 

This is because we want kids of our own and being with someone else's kid isn't the same, too much drama, no security (it will always be YOUR child) and you feel like your taking care of someone elses responsibility, and you miss the whole operating room/ baby delivery experience. I know that on TV you see it all the time, but I can tell you that most guys would rather date a woman with a prosthetic arm AND leg, than one with a child... harsh but true.

Speak for yourself. Jeesh, where do you get all this baloney from? Are you for real??

 

 

It was just a lapdance, something you can forgive and forget. Are you going to allow some lapdancing skank ruin your life?

 

The skank is male.

Definitely male.

[spyyder]

And this is absolutely totally utterly crap too.

Speak for yourself. Jeesh, where do you get all this baloney from? Are you for real??

 

The skank is male.

Definitely male.

 

Yeah so because your a woman, who know everything guys want right? Pfffffff. I might have exaggerated with the prosthetic arm and leg thing, but myself and my mates would consider a woman with just a prosthetic leg more appealing than a woman with a child, as a child isn't something someone wants out of the blue and is something you'll have to deal with while your with the woman. Would you expect a guy to just suddenly start taking full blown care for a fatherless child he finds?

 

Your saying that you know many moms that got divorced and are different for the better. I'm sure thats true IF their guy was a bad guy. I'm not saying that... I'm saying that all this woman's guy did was get a lapdance and that isn't something you should split up for. Her guy isn't a BAD guy, so splitting up would be a mistake over something so small.

 

Her guy didn't cheat on her, and did something that can be forgiven and forgot provided that she ensures he doesn't do it again and makes up for what he did.

 

When I referred to the lap dancer as a skank I obviously meant to say that is she going to allow something small and meaningless spoil her life?

 

I sometimes can't believe things like this. When a woman cheats on her husband, nobody cares. When a guy JUST gets a lap dance then all of a sudden he gets women posting bad stuff about him online. I actually feel a bit sorry for the original thread posters husband that he's getting all this hate over something so small.

Edited June 18, 2010 by spyyder

[spyyder]

their children are not all growing up dysfunctional slutty daughters or wayward hooligans.

 

I've dated MANY girls, and the ones that were pretty slutty and difficult to make a relationship with were the ones who's parents were divorced.

 

A well known technique for guys in clubs to get laid on the night is to check if the girl's parents are still together. If they aren't then your chances of laying her in the next 2 hours greatly increases. Do I really have to say that a persons behaviour and personality is greatly impacted by their parents, by example. If your parents are divorced then you'll see the world as a place where its perfectly normal to get divorced. If your dad/mom cheated then you'll see the world as a place where its normal to cheat.

 

Yes I think you'll find many of the British hooligans that seem to flood Britain are from divorced parents, or at least dysfunctional ones. I would know as I'm originally British myself and partially grew up in london, manchester and birmingham.

[DenverBachelor]

I guess the bottom line is this:

 

If you're in a healthy relationship and secure with yourself and with your mate, then things like this just blow over. If you trust one another, then you're going to give some allowances. I go to a strip club and she goes to Vegas with the girls. If you're insecure and in a constant state of paranoia, then you're going to react like most of the women in this thread.

 

The simple fact is that if a guy is going to cheat on you and do things behind your back, he's not going to come home and tell you. If he's telling you he did something, he's being open and placing his trust in you.

 

But by all means break up with him and date a guy who's better at hiding intentions that really are malevolent. Then in a few months you can post about how to get your ex back since you broke up with him rashly.

[chrissylee]

I don't think you are overreacting. I consider lap dances cheating as well and my boyfriend knows that he ever has one for any reason I will leave him.

 

Everyone has different opinons are what is/isn't cheating and they desreve to be with a SO who will respect their views and not do something that will cross that line.