to trust or not to trust

[sybil]

hi my name is sybil i am 45 years old. i have been with my current boyfriend for 2 1/2 years. at first i never minded him being friends with his ex-girlfriend but as things progressed i did. then he called off his friendship with her to keep up together. then her dad died and he had promised me he wouldn't see or talk to her anymore and that if she did call he would tell me. well, he broke his promise and didn't tell me she had called, a mutual friend told me. he also was planning on going to his funeral behind my back. his reasoning was "because i didn't want to upset you" right! well since then, it's been over a year now, i have found it hard to trust him. i want to so much, but i don't want to be made a fool of. most of the time i don't say anything and i try to deal with my suspcion on my own, but sometimes i get this "bug" up by butt and question his where-a-bouts. then after i have the answers i want i feel relieved, but i also kick myself for letting myself down and giving in to my suspcions. i hate this emotional roller coaster. since then, i wonder still if he is telling me the truth or not. i want to trust him and believe him so much, but that little voice in my head that says "he's lying" etc. keeps me acting in a way i want to stop acting. i love him, i really do, he don't even know half the time that i wonder and want to question him but i don't. i hate this feeling. anyone else been there done that and made it back from a deceit? this is the only real problem we have and half the time he don't know we have it, so i have to say this is the only real problem i have in our relationship, and it is tearing me apart to the point of questioning myself if i can ever trust him again. i don't think he's lied since, if he has he's been good at it. any ideas? thank you sybil

[Tony T]

I know it was a major issue to you but you need to know that many, many people choose to keep their mouths shut about things rather than cause problems. While it may have been wrong in your eyes (and probably his too), he decided not to tell you he was going to the funeral because he knew how you felt and he didn't want to upset you. Technically, in my opinion, he was not obligated to tell you about this funeral if that was all there was to it...unless you have an agreement to share each other's minute by minute daily schedules.

 

By the same token, being the great guy he is, he wanted to show his respects to the deceased by attending the funeral. That is that. PERIOD. He did not go there to initiate an affair, he did not go there to flirt...if you've ever been to a funeral, they are not really condusive to anything romantic at all.

 

So while he did do something behind your back, I think you should consider those circumstances and, for the sake of your mental state, JUST PLAIN FORGET IT.

 

In the future, you will know intuitively if he is cheating on you. Ultimately people will tell you. If all aspects of your relationship are going well, just forgive the poor ole guy for what he did. He was just trying to keep the peace.

 

Now, you can ask most people that read the posts here, I can be pretty to-the-point with people who do things wrong or stupid and if I thought for a second your guy was untrustworthy I would tell you. But the most trustworthy people in the worth hold back details and do harmless things on the QT to spare somebody's feelings or keep the peace. We learn that technique as children and it usually works well for us as we get older.

 

My vote is to cut your guy some slack, consider the circumstances of his transgression, forgive him, and for God's sake and yours stop obsessing about this and build a better life together.

[Taressa]

Hi Sybil,

 

I think you've got a good man who felt trapped in a sticky situation. I believe going to the funeral was the right thing; it's nice he would be a friend to his ex at one of her lowest moments.

 

I also believe he was very deceptive in not telling you. Better take this as a signal that you need to develop some trust in him so that he can have the freedom to do the things he needs to do. Now is also the time to tell him you will not tolerate deception in the future.

 

You sound like good people with a good base. Just take this incident as a signal to go to work on the un-pretty parts in your relationship.