Knowing the spouse

[CarbonCopy]

Is anyone here friends with their AP's spouse? How did you handle that?

 

I'm not best friends or anything like that with my MM's wife, but we're getting together soon just me and her to catch a bite to eat. I pray I don't say or do something I'll regret...

[Crow9726]

Let's see...you're already having illicit sex with her husband behind her back yet you're worried you might SAY something you regret???

 

What a piece of work you've turned out to be.

[crazycatlady]

Is anyone here friends with their AP's spouse? How did you handle that?

 

I'm not best friends or anything like that with my MM's wife, but we're getting together soon just me and her to catch a bite to eat. I pray I don't say or do something I'll regret...

 

I was in the reverse of your position....and I'm not judging you but....how can you do that to her? Do you dislike her? Hate her? No respect for her? Think she is stupid? I don't get it.

 

And I would like to get it. Honestly, I'm not being mean here. I want to understand. I doubt your answers would actually fit my situation but who knows. Getting close to traveling back to visit family and as the time comes closer knowing I'll see her when we both know I know....(I saw her when she didn't know I knew and she was very good at acting like nothing was going on but then so was I ). I'm a little...I guess nervous. I like to think I'll keep my cool, managed to with my H, but who knows.

 

CCL

[CarbonCopy]

I was in the reverse of your position....and I'm not judging you but....how can you do that to her? Do you dislike her? Hate her? No respect for her? Think she is stupid? I don't get it.

 

And I would like to get it. Honestly, I'm not being mean here. I want to understand. I doubt your answers would actually fit my situation but who knows. Getting close to traveling back to visit family and as the time comes closer knowing I'll see her when we both know I know....(I saw her when she didn't know I knew and she was very good at acting like nothing was going on but then so was I ). I'm a little...I guess nervous. I like to think I'll keep my cool, managed to with my H, but who knows.

 

CCL

 

It's a looong story that I'm not going to explain here, but no. I don't hate her, dislike her, wish harm on her, anything. I actually LIKE her and if I wasn't seeing her husband I can kind of sort of see us becoming close. It's a complicated situation and believe me, I've tried to put off our little hangout for as long as possible (it's been a YEAR since she first said we should get together!), but she always kept bringing it up and I just couldn't say no anymore. I know it's messed up in so many ways and that I'm a horrible person. I don't think she knows or suspects anything, but she could surprise me.

[jj33]

You have to cancel. Even if its the day before say something came up.

 

I understand that you dont want to hurt her feelings by saying that you dont want to hang out with her. You dont want to make her feel badly and how many times can you put her off...

 

But lets face it, if she knew what was going on, she would be far angrier that you sat there and chatted with her all the while having an A with her H.

 

There are so many white lies you can come up with. Just text her. If she tries to reschedule tell her you will get back to her and dont. Just tell her its a crazy time.

 

Yes her feelings will be hurt. She will feel rejected. But its better than going. Because the chances are great that one day you will be found out. And she will REALLY hate you then because she will have thought you were her friend and you are not her friend by a longshot.

[jj33]

And if she has been asking for a year, you can bet she suspects something.

 

Noone asks for a year if the other person does not try to arrange something.

[fooled once]

It's a looong story that I'm not going to explain here, but no. I don't hate her, dislike her, wish harm on her, anything. I actually LIKE her and if I wasn't seeing her husband I can kind of sort of see us becoming close. It's a complicated situation and believe me, I've tried to put off our little hangout for as long as possible (it's been a YEAR since she first said we should get together!), but she always kept bringing it up and I just couldn't say no anymore. I know it's messed up in so many ways and that I'm a horrible person. I don't think she knows or suspects anything, but she could surprise me.

 

Wow - I just don't understand how you can pretend that you are even someone she would like to know. Maybe she is doing this get together to let you have it?

 

You and her H - HER H - are really excellent as gaslighting. I just don't know how you can look in the mirror knowing the damage you are doing to someone, someone who obviously doesn't realize how disrespectful you are, how your behavior is ugly and how you really don't care about her.

 

Please tell her - please let her know that you aren't someone she needs to waste her time getting to know or care about. That is the least you could do, considering you have no plans (from what I can gather) to stop screwing her husband.

 

I bet you and him will have a big laugh at how dumb she is and how clueless she is How incredibly sad for her.

[fooled once]

Sorry forgot to answer the question...

 

No, I didn't know his wife and there is no way I could have gotten together with her knowing what I was doing.

[jj33]

Great post Fooled. It is SO unfair to be around the spouse.

 

So so unfair it makes the act of the A itself look almost neutral by comparison.

 

Carbon you have gotten yourself in a bad situation but you cant gaslight this woman more than she is already being gaslighted. Well you can but its really cowardly and unfair. There must be another alternative.

[CarbonCopy]

Hm, this is hard. I'll try to explain as vaguely as possible.

 

Last year my friend and I did a favor for her and her husband. They wanted to pay us for what we did but we said no, we wouldn't take their money. Instead we suggested maybe they could treat us to dinner and they said that was great. The dinner kept getting postponed (busy schedules, people got sick, etc). The dinner was gradually forgotten. Then she started bringing it up again. Lots of stuff happened earlier this year and my friend found out about the affair. Needless to say she wants nothing to do with them, so I had to make an excuse as to why she wouldn't be able to go (because I couldn't say to his wife, 'Sorry, she doesn't want to see you or your dirtbag husband'). And he's not going to the dinner, so it'll just be me and her. So no, I don't think she suspects anything.

 

For the record, we're not FRIENDS nor have we ever been. We're FRIENDLY. I have to see her on a weekly basis and I've known her/spoken to her long before I ever got involved with her husband, which is why we're friendly. I have no plans to become her friend or confidant.

[bestplayer]

Hm, this is hard. I'll try to explain as vaguely as possible.

 

Last year my friend and I did a favor for her and her husband. They wanted to pay us for what we did but we said no, we wouldn't take their money. Instead we suggested maybe they could treat us to dinner and they said that was great. The dinner kept getting postponed (busy schedules, people got sick, etc). The dinner was gradually forgotten. Then she started bringing it up again. Lots of stuff happened earlier this year and my friend found out about the affair. Needless to say she wants nothing to do with them, so I had to make an excuse as to why she wouldn't be able to go (because I couldn't say to his wife, 'Sorry, she doesn't want to see you or your dirtbag husband'). And he's not going to the dinner, so it'll just be me and her. So no, I don't think she suspects anything.

 

For the record, we're not FRIENDS nor have we ever been. We're FRIENDLY. I have to see her on a weekly basis and I've known her/spoken to her long before I ever got involved with her husband, which is why we're friendly. I have no plans to become her friend or confidant.

 

but you do have plans to continue being her husband's mistress ?

[crazycatlady]

It's a looong story that I'm not going to explain here, but no. I don't hate her, dislike her, wish harm on her, anything. I actually LIKE her and if I wasn't seeing her husband I can kind of sort of see us becoming close. It's a complicated situation and believe me, I've tried to put off our little hangout for as long as possible (it's been a YEAR since she first said we should get together!), but she always kept bringing it up and I just couldn't say no anymore. I know it's messed up in so many ways and that I'm a horrible person. I don't think she knows or suspects anything, but she could surprise me.

 

I don't think you are a horrible person. It might be she knows and plans on confronting you in person about it.

 

That said, the worse thing was the fact it was a betrayal by both people for me. And you are doing the same thing to her. Not to as great as a degree as happened to me, but still its just wrong. If she is someone who you could get along with....stop doing this to her. Becuase when it comes out, and its going to some what or another, the fact that its someone who she knows and possibly likes...that's going to hurt so much more.

 

But I truly don't think you are a horrible person. What you are doing might be horrible, but you aren't. I don't always think those two things are linked. I wouldn't go...cancel it, or be a bitch or something so she won't want to be your friend and it maybe won't be as great a hurt when she finds out. Its going to hurt, but maybe not as much.

 

CCL

[bananalaffytaffy]

How shameful.

Either cancel or plan on sitting down with her to let her know you are banging her husband.

Wow. You must not believe in karma.

Edited June 12, 2010 by bananalaffytaffy

[CarbonCopy]

I don't think you are a horrible person. It might be she knows and plans on confronting you in person about it.

 

That said, the worse thing was the fact it was a betrayal by both people for me. And you are doing the same thing to her. Not to as great as a degree as happened to me, but still its just wrong. If she is someone who you could get along with....stop doing this to her. Becuase when it comes out, and its going to some what or another, the fact that its someone who she knows and possibly likes...that's going to hurt so much more.

 

But I truly don't think you are a horrible person. What you are doing might be horrible, but you aren't. I don't always think those two things are linked. I wouldn't go...cancel it, or be a bitch or something so she won't want to be your friend and it maybe won't be as great a hurt when she finds out. Its going to hurt, but maybe not as much.

 

CCL

 

Yes, you're right. As I said before, we're not *friends* but we're friendly with each other. If she does find out... yeah, it would be devastating. I just plan on having this one dinner with her and that's it. I DON'T WANT to do it, but she's been going on about it for so long and I've used up every excuse that I could. Plus I can't be a bitch to her - I have to see her every week and it would just make things way too awkward. I plan on having no contact with her after this. Her "debt" to me will be owed and it will be over.

 

I don't know your story. Did your friend betray you by getting involved with your husband?

 

Banana: I believe in karma. I'm sure I'll get what's due to me when the time comes. I fully expect it.

[2sunny]

Yes, you're right. As I said before, we're not *friends* but we're friendly with each other. If she does find out... yeah, it would be devastating. I just plan on having this one dinner with her and that's it. I DON'T WANT to do it, but she's been going on about it for so long and I've used up every excuse that I could. Plus I can't be a bitch to her - I have to see her every week and it would just make things way too awkward. I plan on having no contact with her after this. Her "debt" to me will be owed and it will be over.

 

I don't know your story. Did your friend betray you by getting involved with your husband?

 

Banana: I believe in karma. I'm sure I'll get what's due to me when the time comes. I fully expect it.

 

 

so the solution to all of it would be to end the A before you go to dinner with his W.

 

either go with a clean slate or create the clean slate while you're with her by being honest when you meet with her.

 

end it - or admit the truth to her.

 

simple solution really as either way you are DOING the right thing.

 

 

and do you notice that her H - your MM - has purposely left himself out of this gathering? hmmmmm, what a wimpy guy.

[D-Lish]

I can comprehend how a woman could carry on an affair with a man when the wife is just an anonymous subject, but I cannot understand how one could carry on an affair with a man and then look his wife in the eyes and pretend to be her friend. That's pretty horrible and it's incredibly cold.

 

There is no reason for you to follow through with the dinner, you CAN gracefully bow out with an excuse. Keep making excuses until she stops asking.

 

It's BS to expect us to believe you have to follow through with this meeting, when you don't have to. Personally I think you want to go to this dinner- maybe it's curiousity about what he sees in her, or something else.

 

Not cool, bow out.

[White Flower]

And if she has been asking for a year, you can bet she suspects something.

 

Noone asks for a year if the other person does not try to arrange something.

This is my feeling as well.

[White Flower]

Is anyone here friends with their AP's spouse? How did you handle that?

 

I'm not best friends or anything like that with my MM's wife, but we're getting together soon just me and her to catch a bite to eat. I pray I don't say or do something I'll regret...

I could never be friends with the MM's W. I am not of the belief that I am aiding him in betraying her; he is simply betraying her as the vows were his to break, not mine.

 

But if I were her friend I too would be betraying her. I saw her once at a function and made sure she didn't see me. Not my cup of tea and I have sworn to myself to never be in her vicinity again. Having said that, I do try to understand the mindset and wonder how I would play things out should she try to befriend me as I think your MM's W is doing with you.

 

MM's exOW was very close to his BW for a few decades. She and her H vacationed with them, and she had sex with him while both their spouses lounged by the pool. He never told me this but I can do the math. All their kids were friends and there were many a sleepover...which probably led to double sleepovers if you know what I mean. It was too much for most of us to keep straight, I'm sure. Anyway, you get the picture.

 

When he formally ended the A with her I was privy to her upset emails since he never deleted them from his email account. She was not only outraged that he ended it with her, but she wanted to also hurt his BW by telling her everything. This is where it gets kind of complicated. She wanted her A to be a secret as long as she had her MOM (married other man) but as soon as he ended the A suddenly she wanted the BW to know everything.

 

So while you 'don't want to say or do something you might regret' what could happen is you could fall into the trap of getting closer to your enemy, as the saying goes. That is what BW is doing by asking you to lunch, possibly, and you could do it back too but in the end you'll want to hurt her or WILL hurt her by participating in a double betrayal. I'm glad I don't have that added pressure in my already crazy pressurized situation. Please think about this.

[BB07]

CC.......if I were you, I would NOT do this lunch with her. It's wrong, wrong, wrong for a lot of reasons. You keep saying that you've put her off, but she doesn't want to take no for an answer. Sounds a little fishy to me. Maybe she wants to size up her competition and maybe so do you.....possibility?

 

And.......you do not have to go, it is a choice regardless of all the reasons you are saying it's not.

 

BTW..it's normal for an OW to be curious about the BS but curiosity sometimes kills the cat you know.

[crazycatlady]

Yes, you're right. As I said before, we're not *friends* but we're friendly with each other. If she does find out... yeah, it would be devastating. I just plan on having this one dinner with her and that's it. I DON'T WANT to do it, but she's been going on about it for so long and I've used up every excuse that I could. Plus I can't be a bitch to her - I have to see her every week and it would just make things way too awkward. I plan on having no contact with her after this. Her "debt" to me will be owed and it will be over.

 

I don't know your story. Did your friend betray you by getting involved with your husband?

 

Banana: I believe in karma. I'm sure I'll get what's due to me when the time comes. I fully expect it.

 

Carbon - its better then that...it was my sister. Its a very long story, I can probably search out and find the thread about it if you would like. H and I have dealt with it...sis and I have not....yet. Distance makes it easy to put off. Anyway this is your thread.

 

I have said I owed someone dinner before and it be a year or so before we finally get together. Its happened a couple of times. Usually its someone I see now and then and am like "Oh yeah we must have dinner". So she might just really want to have dinner with you just because she wants to be friends.

 

Its a tough situation you are in. I think you really need to think about what you are wanting. And if this is the person you really want to be...and if he's worth hurting her for....since you know he.

 

CCL

[lilagirl]

Is anyone here friends with their AP's spouse? How did you handle that?

 

I'm not best friends or anything like that with my MM's wife, but we're getting together soon just me and her to catch a bite to eat. I pray I don't say or do something I'll regret...

 

Hi CC.

 

I have had to see my MMs BS numerous times. Its always been hard. Everytime, it has been unsuccessful in that She picked up on inside jokes and eye screws. He and «i had been friends for years before EA started - so a strong bond isn`t that unnatural, but...

 

I quite like her, and she quite likes me. I try to keep conversation superficial, and light. I would suggest adding addtional people to the mix, so that you don`t need to be focused on her the whole time.

 

Just relax and be yourself. You will be tempted to want to talk to her more than you should... At least I am... I find it intriguing to get the other side of the story from a different perspective. But I know its not fair or right, so i try to stay away.

 

Be careful. Hiding in plain site is not easy

[CarbonCopy]

Lilagirl, thanks so much for your response. I will definitely try to keep things as light as possible, although it will be hard. She's the type to talk A LOT so getting things out of her would be easy if I really wanted to, but I won't. I'm sure everything will be fine, but ugh.

[Silly_Girl]

Be prepared for a smack in the face when she finds out about you and her H. I suspect that, out of everything, this event, this female bonding between she and you will stick out in her mind as being the biggest betrayal and kick in the gut for her, where you're concerned.

[whichwayisup]

Be prepared for a smack in the face when she finds out about you and her H. I suspect that, out of everything, this event, this female bonding between she and you will stick out in her mind as being the biggest betrayal and kick in the gut for her, where you're concerned.

I completely agree with this. 100%.

 

After this meeting with your MM's wife, you HAVE TO WALK away and distance yourself. Now, you're knowingly befriending the MM's wife. It's just so wrong. When this all blows up one day, I hope you take your ownership in your part in this as it WILL be double betrayal. Don't put all the blame on your MM if a D Day occurs..

[MizFit]

I completely agree with this. 100%.

 

After this meeting with your MM's wife, you HAVE TO WALK away and distance yourself. Now, you're knowingly befriending the MM's wife. It's just so wrong. When this all blows up one day, I hope you take your ownership in your part in this as it WILL be double betrayal. Don't put all the blame on your MM if a D Day occurs..

 

I agree with what you and Silly Girl have said.

 

I know my feelings on WS responsibility and OW/OM responsibility are very different to most on here, but one of the things I firmly believe is the R between MM and his W is his. I have nothing to do with it and I won't. I bordered on it last summer when he invited me to a charity function and I went...I'm glad when I was there I made the decision to stay well clear and put my interest elsewhere. I think by going and starting a relationship you are crossing a line with her, but also one with him. I'm not sure if you're looking for a LTR with him, but I don't think this will do you any favors. Twisted as it may be he would respect you more if you kept your distance...maybe not, but I think he would-it is his R, not yours.