Knowing the spouse

[jj33]

I have to agree.

 

I dont judge people for being in affairs.

 

But to befriend the MMs wife because you are too much of a coward to either cut off the A or find a way not to be around her.

 

That really crosses the line.

 

Think good and hard about what kind of person you are.

 

You have no idea how low you will be stooping if you do this.

 

Take a step back and think what if someone did this to your sister.

[CarbonCopy]

I am NOT her friend. We see each other every week. We know each other. We're casually friendly when we see each other. That's it. Never been friends, never will be. I know it probably sounds like I'm making excuses, but she is NOT MY FRIEND and after this dinner I'm not saying anything other than "hi" to her again.

 

And it's weird, but my MM doesn't care if I speak to her or not. He was invited to dinner, but *I* suggested it should just be me and her (since my friend wasn't coming and I didn't want to have dinner alone with them). I'm sure he would have come.

[MizFit]

I am NOT her friend. We see each other every week. We know each other. We're casually friendly when we see each other. That's it. Never been friends, never will be. I know it probably sounds like I'm making excuses, but she is NOT MY FRIEND and after this dinner I'm not saying anything other than "hi" to her again.

 

And it's weird, but my MM doesn't care if I speak to her or not. He was invited to dinner, but *I* suggested it should just be me and her (since my friend wasn't coming and I didn't want to have dinner alone with them). I'm sure he would have come.

 

I know you're not her friend...but you're crossing a line. I hope you're ready for the fallout...it may not happen for a fair while, but it will happen.

[jj33]

Hm, this is hard. I'll try to explain as vaguely as possible.

 

Lots of stuff happened earlier this year and my friend found out about the affair. Needless to say she wants nothing to do with them, so I had to make an excuse as to why she wouldn't be able to go (because I couldn't say to his wife, 'Sorry, she doesn't want to see you or your dirtbag husband'). And he's not going to the dinner, so it'll just be me and her. So no, I don't think she suspects anything.

 

 

Noone can make you face up to what you are contemplating.

 

But doesnt it strike you as odd htat your friend wont come because of hte affair but you are going boldly where noone else wants to venture.

 

I can only assume you have other motives but sitting here on the sidelines it doesnt sound very nice (what you are doing).

[2sunny]

to sit at a meal and PRETEND that you are being her friend is beyond being mean to her.

 

go. go and be the betrayer that you know you are.

 

pretend to be interested in her life and what she finds important enough to talk about.

 

IF she is anything like me - you won't need to say a thing - your body language will tell her everything your words will never say. yes, there are MANY ways to read communication.

 

you will give her everything she needs to know and that you will never say.

 

go - she will learn from you. some lies don't need to be spoken - they are obvious.

[BB07]

CC......you are totally ignoring all the advice given to you about NOT going. You aren't making any comment on it. In spite of what you are saying, you DO have a choice and the wise choice is not to go.

 

You are playing with fire and IMO, it's a low down thing to do. Your curiosity is gonna bite you in the azz and when it does....you will only have yourself to blame.

[bentnotbroken]

I am NOT her friend. We see each other every week. We know each other. We're casually friendly when we see each other. That's it. Never been friends, never will be. I know it probably sounds like I'm making excuses, but she is NOT MY FRIEND and after this dinner I'm not saying anything other than "hi" to her again.

 

And it's weird, but my MM doesn't care if I speak to her or not. He was invited to dinner, but *I* suggested it should just be me and her (since my friend wasn't coming and I didn't want to have dinner alone with them). I'm sure he would have come.

 

 

This scenerio gets even more disgusting with each posting.

[CarbonCopy]

This scenerio gets even more disgusting with each posting.

 

I honestly think if I became good friends with his wife and she was somehow ok with the idea of him having someone else (me) -- he'd LOVE it. So yeah, it's weird.

 

And whether I go to dinner or not, she's still going to be hurt if she finds out. She knows me, my family, and I know their's. I'm not some random girl he met in a bar -- we've known each other, SHE knows me and it's going to suck either way. But yeah, hanging out with her will make it worse.

 

Not many people have answered my question, though. I appreciate all the comments saying I'm a horrible, twisted person who is intentionally trying to sabotage his wife, but... yeah. Not really helpful. Has anyone dealt with this personally and what did you do?

[bentnotbroken]

I honestly think if I became good friends with his wife and she was somehow ok with the idea of him having someone else (me) -- he'd LOVE it. So yeah, it's weird.

 

And whether I go to dinner or not, she's still going to be hurt if she finds out. She knows me, my family, and I know their's. I'm not some random girl he met in a bar -- we've known each other, SHE knows me and it's going to suck either way. But yeah, hanging out with her will make it worse.

 

Not many people have answered my question, though. I appreciate all the comments saying I'm a horrible, twisted person who is intentionally trying to sabotage his wife, but... yeah. Not really helpful. Has anyone dealt with this personally and what did you do?

 

 

Okay....FBS here. Didn't have dinner with her, but we were in social situations together and she knew...I didn't. I am not a too nice person when pissed off. I could have done the things NR talks about her husband did in her thread(with the gun and not batting an eye). Thank God, He was leading me and I listened. You should try putting yourself in her shoes with your knowledge. Better yet, imagine it is your child and when they find out they were being cheated on (and treated the AP with respect and honor) you have to console them and explain how people can treat others this way, with little regard for their lives or family.

[White Flower]

Not many people have answered my question, though. I appreciate all the comments saying I'm a horrible, twisted person who is intentionally trying to sabotage his wife, but... yeah. Not really helpful. Has anyone dealt with this personally and what did you do?

As I said before, it wasn't me but I know MM had an OW who was very close with his W. She even consoled her when she found out about another OW. He cheated on them both. I know, soap opera so we'll save that for another thread.

 

What I do know, second hand, is that his W never really found out about the longterm OW. 25 years right under her nose too. In their house, in their neighborhood, it was all over the place. They celebrated birthdays together, went dancing together, it was crazy but W never found out. If I really wanted to I could ruin two Ms today by forwarding a single email but what is the purpose of that? The point I am making is, you could be very successful at pulling this off. On the other hand, someone like me might come along, gather all the evidence and turn it in (unlike me). Somebody always finds out and so you need to look at the future and decide how the chips COULD fall and if this meeting with the BW is worth it. Keep us posted and hey, just because I wouldn't do it doesn't mean I am judging you. I'm only cautioning you.

 

Good luck.

[bentnotbroken]

I honestly think if I became good friends with his wife and she was somehow ok with the idea of him having someone else (me) -- he'd LOVE it. So yeah, it's weird.

 

And whether I go to dinner or not, she's still going to be hurt if she finds out. She knows me, my family, and I know their's. I'm not some random girl he met in a bar -- we've known each other, SHE knows me and it's going to suck either way. But yeah, hanging out with her will make it worse.

 

Not many people have answered my question, though. I appreciate all the comments saying I'm a horrible, twisted person who is intentionally trying to sabotage his wife, but... yeah. Not really helpful. Has anyone dealt with this personally and what did you do?

 

 

Weird isn't what I said...disgusting is the word I used. So because she is giong to be hurt one way or the other, let's just add insult to injury.

[jthorne]

Oh but people have answered your question. You just haven't liked the answers.

You can:

1. Fake explosive diarrhea and not go.

2. Go and tell her you're having an affair with her husband.

3. End the A and go with a clean slate (sort of).

4. Go and make the WS go as well, so you both can be just as culpable.

 

Don't kid yourself. When she finds out, she will be more angry that you went and put on a big front than if you'd bowed out and not gone at all.

[CarbonCopy]

The point I am making is, you could be very successful at pulling this off. On the other hand, someone like me might come along, gather all the evidence and turn it in (unlike me). Somebody always finds out and so you need to look at the future and decide how the chips COULD fall and if this meeting with the BW is worth it. Keep us posted and hey, just because I wouldn't do it doesn't mean I am judging you. I'm only cautioning you.

 

Good luck.

 

Thanks. I will give an update.

[jwi71]

I agree with what you and Silly Girl have said.

 

I know my feelings on WS responsibility and OW/OM responsibility are very different to most on here, but one of the things I firmly believe is the R between MM and his W is his. I have nothing to do with it and I won't. I bordered on it last summer when he invited me to a charity function and I went...I'm glad when I was there I made the decision to stay well clear and put my interest elsewhere. I think by going and starting a relationship you are crossing a line with her, but also one with him. I'm not sure if you're looking for a LTR with him, but I don't think this will do you any favors. Twisted as it may be he would respect you more if you kept your distance...maybe not, but I think he would-it is his R, not yours.

 

This makes absolutely no sense.

 

If the R you have is with the MM and not his W...then the R you have with the MM's W is ALSO unique and separate.

 

With the logic of "the MM's M is not mine" the opposite must also be tue...HER M with her H (your MM) is entirely hers and has NOTHING to do with you.

 

So go.

 

Look her in the eye and have a great time.

 

Whats the problem? You aren't interfering in HER M at all.

[NoIDidn't]

I think you just want to size her up since becoming involved with her H. I think that's the reason you aren't actually listening to any of the answers being given.

 

I haven't been in this position, but one of my friends has. The many OW her H has had have almost always befriended her. Her H was coming after me as well, but I could never do that to a friend.

 

What happened to the OWs? Once found out, they practically had to skip town, or leave the place of worship, or leave the job (they used to all work at the same place), and so on.

 

Not one can show up in the same place as the still intact couple without rolled eyes or fingers or whispering.

 

Is that really worth it to you?

[whichwayisup]

I honestly think if I became good friends with his wife and she was somehow ok with the idea of him having someone else (me) -- he'd LOVE it. So yeah, it's weird.

 

Don't speak on behalf of her. You don't know her and aren't friends. At all.

 

You have no idea what she's like behind closed doors and what her views are on her marriage with her H. Even if HE tells you, it's HIS verison of the truth, twisted to suit him best.

 

Anyway, I DO hope that was a joke and you don't truly believe this. But, just incase you do have a belief that she would be OK with it, give your head a shake to get rid of the affairyland fog/fantasy/disneyland.

[bentnotbroken]

Don't speak on behalf of her. You don't know her and aren't friends. At all.

 

You have no idea what she's like behind closed doors and what her views are on her marriage with her H. Even if HE tells you, it's HIS verison of the truth, twisted to suit him best.

 

Anyway, I DO hope that was a joke and you don't truly believe this. But, just incase you do have a belief that she would be OK with it, give your head a shake to get rid of the affairyland fog/fantasy/disneyland.

 

 

I say put on your big girl panties and tell her...see if she really is okay with what you propose.

[fooled once]

I am NOT her friend. We see each other every week. We know each other. We're casually friendly when we see each other. That's it. Never been friends, never will be. I know it probably sounds like I'm making excuses, but she is NOT MY FRIEND and after this dinner I'm not saying anything other than "hi" to her again.

 

And it's weird, but my MM doesn't care if I speak to her or not. He was invited to dinner, but *I* suggested it should just be me and her (since my friend wasn't coming and I didn't want to have dinner alone with them). I'm sure he would have come.

 

I honestly think if I became good friends with his wife and she was somehow ok with the idea of him having someone else (me) -- he'd LOVE it. So yeah, it's weird.

 

And whether I go to dinner or not, she's still going to be hurt if she finds out. She knows me, my family, and I know their's. I'm not some random girl he met in a bar -- we've known each other, SHE knows me and it's going to suck either way. But yeah, hanging out with her will make it worse.

 

Not many people have answered my question, though. I appreciate all the comments saying I'm a horrible, twisted person who is intentionally trying to sabotage his wife, but... yeah. Not really helpful. Has anyone dealt with this personally and what did you do?

 

And since you see her every week, when it comes out, she is going to blow your life apart, as she should. She is going to make sure that everyone knows not only were you screwing her husband, you had the audacity to sit and let her buy you dinner. AND, I would also bet that you are going to poke a bit into her marriage, get her to confide things to you and then you will run to MM and tell him what she said...and again, when this blows up, you will not only have crushed her by screwing her husband, but she will be humiliated because she told you something/anything about her marriage.

 

I have read a lot of horrible things on here, but this is right up there with the top 5 other horrible behaviors an OW has demonstrated. Just wow.

[CarbonCopy]

Don't speak on behalf of her. You don't know her and aren't friends. At all.

 

You have no idea what she's like behind closed doors and what her views are on her marriage with her H. Even if HE tells you, it's HIS verison of the truth, twisted to suit him best.

 

Anyway, I DO hope that was a joke and you don't truly believe this. But, just incase you do have a belief that she would be OK with it, give your head a shake to get rid of the affairyland fog/fantasy/disneyland

 

Uh, what are you talking about? That comment was in reference to him -- meaning I wouldn't be surprised if HE would love it if she and I would become friends and she would accept him having someone else. Where was I "speaking on her behalf"? You clearly misread what I wrote.

 

And since you see her every week, when it comes out, she is going to blow your life apart, as she should. She is going to make sure that everyone knows not only were you screwing her husband, you had the audacity to sit and let her buy you dinner. AND, I would also bet that you are going to poke a bit into her marriage, get her to confide things to you and then you will run to MM and tell him what she said...and again, when this blows up, you will not only have crushed her by screwing her husband, but she will be humiliated because she told you something/anything about her marriage.

 

I have read a lot of horrible things on here, but this is right up there with the top 5 other horrible behaviors an OW has demonstrated. Just wow.

 

I don't talk about his marriage, and he never tells me anything about it either. I don't care to know and I don't plan on asking her any questions like that either.

 

I'm sure this will make some of you happy: I truly am considering telling her everything. I'm tired of all the madness surrounding this affair and I know by telling her it will put an end to this. And I fully accept any and all the consequences.

[whichwayisup]

You're right, I misread it..But..

she would accept him having someone else. Where was I "speaking on her behalf"? You clearly misread what I wrote.

 

That ain't ever gonna happen so don't wish/hope for it.

 

It's a pipe dream.

 

I'm sure this will make some of you happy: I truly am considering telling her everything. I'm tired of all the madness surrounding this affair and I know by telling her it will put an end to this. And I fully accept any and all the consequences.

 

Just own up to your own part in the A, don't put all the blame on him.

 

Are you telling because she deserves to know, or in hopes she'll kick him out and he'll be yours?

 

Why not just end it and walk away from him for good? Be strong, ignore him and go into NC mode. Why tell her to put an end to it all?

[fooled once]

Uh, what are you talking about? That comment was in reference to him -- meaning I wouldn't be surprised if HE would love it if she and I would become friends and she would accept him having someone else. Where was I "speaking on her behalf"? You clearly misread what I wrote.

 

 

 

I don't talk about his marriage, and he never tells me anything about it either. I don't care to know and I don't plan on asking her any questions like that either.

 

I'm sure this will make some of you happy: I truly am considering telling her everything. I'm tired of all the madness surrounding this affair and I know by telling her it will put an end to this. And I fully accept any and all the consequences.

 

tell her why? So she will kick him out? Or are you tired of being the hidden mistress?

 

Are you telling her because you want to be with her husband or to end the affair?

[BB07]

I'm sure this will make some of you happy: I truly am considering telling her everything. I'm tired of all the madness surrounding this affair and I know by telling her it will put an end to this. And I fully accept any and all the consequences.

 

Ahhhhh now we are getting to what it really been about all along.

[jj33]

 

Are you telling because she deserves to know, or in hopes she'll kick him out and he'll be yours?

 

Why not just end it and walk away from him for good? Be strong, ignore him and go into NC mode. Why tell her to put an end to it all?

 

This is really the crux of it.

 

Your motives are NOT clean.

[NoIDidn't]

This is really the crux of it.

 

Your motives are NOT clean.

 

It also explains why the advice given wasn't what was desired. Ulterior motives being made clear.

 

CC, I don't think you have thought this through at all. Telling her under these circumstances is going to unleash a wrath the likes you are not emotionally prepared to deal with.

[Ann_Igma]

I wanted to stay out of this thread because it's a bit too close for comfort, but I figure I'll at least try to get my point across to you for the sake of everyone involved.

 

I knew the OW in my situation. We were quite friendly.. Hell, she even spent a week as a guest in my house during her EA with my husband.

Mini backstory incoming:

 

When the affair came to light, I was of course devastated as you would be, but I also felt utterly humiliated. I thought back to every interaction I had with her during that time, and it made me felt ill. And the worst part? The worst part is that I DID have a suspicion during pretty much their entire EA, so our interactions had felt strained that whole time anyway. So I'd been putting this effort into trying not to be 'needlessly jealous of nothing' and trying to get along with her as well as I had before everything got weird.. How utterly stupid I was!!

 

 

The moral:

If you go to dinner with the wife and pretend everything is peachy keen, not only will you make her feel that much worse when the A eventually comes to light.. BUT you may also end up incurring extra wrath and backlash upon yourself. Obviously at the very beginning, it's easy for a BS to blame the AP, however wrong that is. It's a knee-jerk reaction and a coping mechanism as much as anythign else. However, I think the more the BS knows the OP and the more they have interacted, the worse that is - the more justified she may feel in trying to exact some revenge against you. Awful, I know, but for at *least* the first few weeks after finding out, most are not at all thinking rationally.

 

As far as your most recent post about outing the A, if you are serious about that, I would suggest doing it over the phone instead of face to face. Not so much because I think she'll have a violent reaction, but because I think it would just be a bit more compassionate that she is able to deal with her emotions and the shock in the privacy of her own home instead of surrounded by people in a restaurant.