Knowing the spouse

[jj33]

Actually Ann I never blame the OW EXCEPT when she knows and befriends the W. I see NO justification for that. None at all. To me that is just a line that there is NO reason to cross. To me in that case there is good reason to say both people betrayed the W.

 

No matter how CC spins it, she has befriended his spouse. By the time you do someone a favor that leads to dinner or lunch in return you are friendly enough not to cross that line even if you dont consider yourself a friend (well at least she realizes she is no friend).

[Ann_Igma]

Actually Ann I never blame the OW EXCEPT when she knows and befriends the W. I see NO justification for that. None at all. To me that is just a line that there is NO reason to cross. To me in that case there is good reason to say both people betrayed the W.

 

I have said similar. I think that part of me would still have SOME negative feelings against the OW no matter what, but if I hadn't known her, they'd have been a LOT less severe - more akin to 'Argh! She knew he was married, that's just not right!' and probably not much further than that (admittedly, after those first few weeks of whirlwind and severely extreme emotions).

 

And if the W in this situation finds out, and her thinking/feelings are in any way similar to mine, EVERY friendly interaction she's had with this OP since the A started is going to cause her pain and push her anger towards the OP that much further.

[CarbonCopy]

Ok, I've calmed down. I was totally stressed out at work yesterday, angry at MM, and had a bad headache so I wasn't thinking clearly.

 

I'm NOT telling her. Nor do I think I ever would. But I am considering ending the affair. It's becoming too much and I really don't need this drama.

 

And 99% of me DOESN'T want him for myself. 1% does. So mostly no, I don't want him.

[BB07]

Ok, I've calmed down. I was totally stressed out at work yesterday, angry at MM, and had a bad headache so I wasn't thinking clearly.

 

I'm NOT telling her. Nor do I think I ever would. But I am considering ending the affair. It's becoming too much and I really don't need this drama.

 

And 99% of me DOESN'T want him for myself. 1% does. So mostly no, I don't want him.

 

I don't get it............if he means that little to you and you are 99% sure you don't want him, why play with people's lives like that? Why put yourself through the pain and heartache?

[JustJoe]

CC, with all due respect, you haven't got the courage or the integrity to tell her the truth. Even if (which I doubt) you end the affair, she will probably find out, at some point, and will remember how you interacted during the affair. So get ready for the fallout.

[whichwayisup]

Ok, I've calmed down. I was totally stressed out at work yesterday, angry at MM, and had a bad headache so I wasn't thinking clearly.

 

I'm NOT telling her. Nor do I think I ever would. But I am considering ending the affair. It's becoming too much and I really don't need this drama.

 

And 99% of me DOESN'T want him for myself. 1% does. So mostly no, I don't want him.

 

Glad to hear that you won't be telling. And happy to hear that you are going to end the A as well. There is no point in continuing, even more so since you have no interest (1 percent) of wanting him for yourself.

 

If you truly want it over, you'll do it. Let go of ego, feelings, and him. Focus on healing and moving on with your life so you can find the love you deserve with a single man who can offer you more than being second fiddle.

[Dexter Morgan]

Is anyone here friends with their AP's spouse? How did you handle that?

 

I'm not best friends or anything like that with my MM's wife, but we're getting together soon just me and her to catch a bite to eat. I pray I don't say or do something I'll regret...

 

how can you even look her in the face?

[Dexter Morgan]

It's a looong story that I'm not going to explain here, but no. I don't hate her, dislike her, wish harm on her, anything. I actually LIKE her and if I wasn't seeing her husband I can kind of sort of see us becoming close.

 

so basically if you like her she is a great person. so you are screwing the husband of a good woman.

 

if so, what were your MM's pathetic excuses for bedding you down?

[translucentsoul]

Oh, CC, I'm in a similar situation, although my A is over.

The MM and I decided early on that we'd never tell her, no need to harm people.

I'm in the situation of meeting her through work duties soon.

I've seen photos. I know what he sees as the missing bits in his R, I know where I was when it started. They are separated, physically.

He doesn't necessarily want to divorce, so it's sticky and complicated.

we are basically friends who got carried away.

So, given that, if I could NOT meet her, I'd opt that way.

 

After a year, can you change the outing to a beer or coffee and bring other folks along?

Tell her she owes you nothing, pay all favors forward, whatever.

But, if you must go, I'd end it first, since you are considering it anyway.

 

Then, keep talk focused on work/however you know each other.

and keep it short.

 

She might be angling for a confrontation/verification.

I'd avoid that.

Buddhist philosophy suggests that too much truth can hurt the innocent.

She falls there, don't you think?

 

Good luck.

People judge so much in these situations, but until you are there, you haven't walked this road.

[bentnotbroken]

Oh, CC, I'm in a similar situation, although my A is over.

The MM and I decided early on that we'd never tell her, no need to harm people.

I'm in the situation of meeting her through work duties soon.

I've seen photos. I know what he sees as the missing bits in his R, I know where I was when it started. They are separated, physically.

He doesn't necessarily want to divorce, so it's sticky and complicated.

we are basically friends who got carried away.

So, given that, if I could NOT meet her, I'd opt that way.

 

After a year, can you change the outing to a beer or coffee and bring other folks along?

Tell her she owes you nothing, pay all favors forward, whatever.

But, if you must go, I'd end it first, since you are considering it anyway.

 

Then, keep talk focused on work/however you know each other.

and keep it short.

 

She might be angling for a confrontation/verification.

I'd avoid that.

Buddhist philosophy suggests that too much truth can hurt the innocent.

She falls there, don't you think?

 

Good luck.

People judge so much in these situations, but until you are there, you haven't walked this road.

 

 

Of course you would avoid that. Wouldn't telling too much truth only matter to those who have something to hide? I don't know if the wife is a Buddahist or not. But why should her life be based on someone else's beliefs?

 

And there is no reason for anyone to walk this road, and lives are destroyed by it....I would say damn straight people call it like they see it, judge, or condemn it as wrong; whatever you want to call it.

[wheelwright]

I honestly think if I became good friends with his wife and she was somehow ok with the idea of him having someone else (me) -- he'd LOVE it. So yeah, it's weird.

 

And whether I go to dinner or not, she's still going to be hurt if she finds out. She knows me, my family, and I know their's. I'm not some random girl he met in a bar -- we've known each other, SHE knows me and it's going to suck either way. But yeah, hanging out with her will make it worse.

 

Not many people have answered my question, though. I appreciate all the comments saying I'm a horrible, twisted person who is intentionally trying to sabotage his wife, but... yeah. Not really helpful. Has anyone dealt with this personally and what did you do?[/QUOTE]

 

Yes I dealt with this. I avoided the BW totally while the A was in flow. Then he decided to reconcile with his W, and a social occasion came up which I attended. I did not befriend her. I would not have gone while the A was in flow. I thought it was the future - and that was bad enough. Seeing her when I knew what I did about her H and the feelings, sex etc. I could not have entertained a tete a tete under any circumstances.

 

I just went because I knew it would be inevitable we would meet eventually, and I felt a coward to avoid it once the A was over.

 

xMOM however had no such foibles. He just didn't get it. After DDay he did, of course.

 

If you think your A can come to any good in the long run, you have possibility on your side, which is small given what we read here.

 

If you think meeting with your AP's BS can come to any good - well, I think you are very wrong.

 

Really, don't go. Make an excuse. If you don't understand now, you will in the future. It's not right.

[CarbonCopy]

I don't get it............if he means that little to you and you are 99% sure you don't want him, why play with people's lives like that? Why put yourself through the pain and heartache?

 

What are you talking about? I love him and he means so much to me. But I know he'd never leave so I don't really let myself entertain the idea that he could ever "be mine." Under different circumstances I'd LOVE to be with him, so I can't and I try to not think about that.

 

Oh, CC, I'm in a similar situation, although my A is over.

The MM and I decided early on that we'd never tell her, no need to harm people.

I'm in the situation of meeting her through work duties soon.

I've seen photos. I know what he sees as the missing bits in his R, I know where I was when it started. They are separated, physically.

He doesn't necessarily want to divorce, so it's sticky and complicated.

we are basically friends who got carried away.

So, given that, if I could NOT meet her, I'd opt that way.

 

After a year, can you change the outing to a beer or coffee and bring other folks along?

Tell her she owes you nothing, pay all favors forward, whatever.

But, if you must go, I'd end it first, since you are considering it anyway.

 

Then, keep talk focused on work/however you know each other.

and keep it short.

 

She might be angling for a confrontation/verification.

I'd avoid that.

Buddhist philosophy suggests that too much truth can hurt the innocent.

She falls there, don't you think?

 

Good luck.

People judge so much in these situations, but until you are there, you haven't walked this road.

 

Thanks, translucentsoul. And I think she mentioned one of her friends might be coming so that should make it less awkward. I just want to be done with it.

[awkward]

I hope this isn't going to be a confrontation. When she told you she was bringing a friend, did you pick up any vibes or get a bad feeling in your gut?

 

My advice would be to not go under any circumstances but I see that you feel you need to do this. Good luck and let us know how it went.

 

ETA: Does he use his personal cell phone to contact you? Does he check his email at home? Could she know and just be lining up her ducks?

[CarbonCopy]

I hope this isn't going to be a confrontation. When she told you she was bringing a friend, did you pick up any vibes or get a bad feeling in your gut?

 

My advice would be to not go under any circumstances but I see that you feel you need to do this. Good luck and let us know how it went.

 

ETA: Does he use his personal cell phone to contact you? Does he check his email at home? Could she know and just be lining up her ducks?

 

The friend that MIGHT come actually lives in the neighborhood that we're having dinner in and sort of just invited herself along. So she might not even come along. Hopefully the dinner isn't too long...

 

We only speak in person and on his cell. No emails or anything like that. I don't think she checks his phone.

[sugarbritches]

Is anyone here friends with their AP's spouse? How did you handle that?

 

I'm not best friends or anything like that with my MM's wife, but we're getting together soon just me and her to catch a bite to eat. I pray I don't say or do something I'll regret...

 

What are you afraid that you may say something like. I love the new boxer shorts you bought BoB he sure looks hot in them.

 

[awkward]

The friend that MIGHT come actually lives in the neighborhood that we're having dinner in and sort of just invited herself along. So she might not even come along. Hopefully the dinner isn't too long...

 

We only speak in person and on his cell. No emails or anything like that. I don't think she checks his phone.

 

Ok so the friend probably isn't there for moral support for her.

 

If she does suspect something (before or even after the dinner) and checks the cell phone records (calls/texts in/out), will it show tons of interaction with your phone number?

 

Are you sure you can sit there and have dinner with her without acting weird and making her suspicious? I am worried that this isn't going to go well for you.

[GreenEyedLady]

Is anyone here friends with their AP's spouse? How did you handle that?

 

I'm not best friends or anything like that with my MM's wife, but we're getting together soon just me and her to catch a bite to eat. I pray I don't say or do something I'll regret...

 

Why would you even do this?

 

GEL

[bittersweet memories]

Hm, this is hard. I'll try to explain as vaguely as possible.

 

Last year my friend and I did a favor for her and her husband. They wanted to pay us for what we did but we said no, we wouldn't take their money. Instead we suggested maybe they could treat us to dinner and they said that was great. The dinner kept getting postponed (busy schedules, people got sick, etc). The dinner was gradually forgotten. Then she started bringing it up again. Lots of stuff happened earlier this year and my friend found out about the affair. Needless to say she wants nothing to do with them, so I had to make an excuse as to why she wouldn't be able to go (because I couldn't say to his wife, 'Sorry, she doesn't want to see you or your dirtbag husband'). And he's not going to the dinner, so it'll just be me and her. So no, I don't think she suspects anything.

 

For the record, we're not FRIENDS nor have we ever been. We're FRIENDLY. I have to see her on a weekly basis and I've known her/spoken to her long before I ever got involved with her husband, which is why we're friendly. I have no plans to become her friend or confidant.

 

Hopefully your ex-friend will fill her in or will soon fill her in on whats up.

[Dexter Morgan]

Why would you even do this?

 

GEL

 

maybe its a power trip thing. knowing she can sit in front of her, look at her knowing she is bedding her husband down and can get away with it with a big smile.

[Dexter Morgan]

What are you talking about? I love him and he means so much to me.

 

dayum. I am looking at this all wrong. I need to be a cheating, lying bastard, so that I can have women wrapped around my finger.

[sugarbritches]

maybe its a power trip thing. knowing she can sit in front of her, look at her knowing she is bedding her husband down and can get away with it with a big smile.

 

 

That is just plain EVIL.

First I would never stoop so low as to bed another womans husband, second if I did stoop that low I damn sure wouldn't go eat with her.

I guess I don't have the sharing my man gene.

[MorningCoffee]

That is just plain EVIL.

First I would never stoop so low as to bed another womans husband, second if I did stoop that low I damn sure wouldn't go eat with her.

I guess I don't have the sharing my man gene.

 

And how is this attack on the OP and your posturing as a morally infallible being in any way intended as "Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner", as this forum is called?

[Dexter Morgan]

And how is this attack on the OP and your posturing as a morally infallible being in any way intended as "Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner", as this forum is called?

 

it falls into the "discussion" part.

 

as far as support.....support for what?

[jthorne]

I can't believe after all this feedback, the OP isn't even considering not going. Perhaps she really WANTS to go??

[Dexter Morgan]

I can't believe after all this feedback, the OP isn't even considering not going. Perhaps she really WANTS to go??

 

 

probably will make her feel good to sit there all triumphant in front of the betrayed wife.