Knowing the spouse

[Dexter Morgan]

So exactly why are you homewrecking????

 

because its all in good fun. i mean, as long as she had no desire to be with him long term, it was ok to toy with this woman's life.

 

ya ya, I know, the husband is the most to blame, and that is absolutely correct.

 

still doesn't give people a free pass to despicably mess with people's lives just so they can have their fun.

 

 

Piece of work. To think that this guy is putting his M at stake with someone that gives a flying rat's ass about him. WHOA!

 

well, that is his own problem. he is a cheater afterall.

[road]

When they look up "class act" in the dictionary who's picture will be seen?

 

Why the OW that is banging her friends husband that's who.

[stillafool]

I never saw myself having a future with him so I don't really care if I "blew" anything.

 

 

So you screwed your friend's husband just for the sport of it. Wow!

[Dexter Morgan]

So you screwed your friend's husband just for the sport of it. Wow!

 

I think the above sums it up quite nicely.

[Mimolicious]

because its all in good fun. i mean, as long as she had no desire to be with him long term, it was ok to toy with this woman's life.

 

ya ya, I know, the husband is the most to blame, and that is absolutely correct.

 

still doesn't give people a free pass to despicably mess with people's lives just so they can have their fun.

 

 

 

 

well, that is his own problem. he is a cheater afterall.

 

Yes, I agree. After coming to these boards I have seen a lot of OW truly fall in love and get all wrapped up, so I kinda have grown to understand that sometimes ish happens and men fall in love with these OW and send their W's to go F themselves. This MM could be cheating with an agenda but little does he know.

[feckinghopeless]

Dear Carbon Copy. I have never commented on a forum in my life but felt compelled to sign up just to say something on this. I'm in a fairly gruesome situation myself and really TRULY feel for you. I'll bet the deep breath of relief was pretty dang deep when you survived your dinner comparatively unscathed.

 

Being in a horrible place, as you are (or were) i have been reading threads on this site all day looking for moral support and some sympathetic guidance. It's been a godsend. Like most things, advice is what we seek when we already know the answer but wish we didn't! i.e. stop it. people are being hurt. including you, and it just isn't worth it.

 

Like you, i wouldn't consider me and the MM to be a match made in heaven, but i kid myself that it keeps us both a little saner and happier than we would be without eachother. Somehow because there are no ultimatums or 'ever lasting love' nonsense you think it can't hurt anyone. its 'an understanding' of sorts. it's a lie of course. I love him, it crept up on me when i wasn't paying attention and now i can't bear the notion of losing his presence from my life).

 

There were some unkind and judgemental remarks made in response to your plea, all of which were fully justified in their own way. But i can understand your position exactly i think. I thought it might help to hear a word from someone who's walked a mile or ten in your shoes?

 

Firstly. I was enormously comforted that there was another person in this ghastly situation. I don't know the exact dimensions of your relationship with your married man, but since it seems unavoidable i'd better give you the short and ugly version of my own. There are notable similarities.

 

the 'MM' to my 'OW' is actually not married, but they have two small children which makes it every bit as bad in my opinion. We are co-workers at the same organization but not at the same location. we met briefly and got into an amusing (and purely friendly) banter over work email regarding a work matter. i had just got out of an unpleasant relationship and was not interested in 'another emotional beating' in any way shape of form so kept him well and truly at arms length emotionally. months later we re-connected and became friends on the dreaded Facebook. One night he got a little pizzled and started pouring his heart out to me on instant messaging. things weren't good in his relationship and he obviously needed to offload. this was a total stranger at the time. I resisted getting too involved, but eventually i confess the flattery got to me. It felt so good to have someone say kind and complementary things about me, to confide in me, to be held in high estimation by someone again.

 

Before i knew it i was embroiled in an emotional affair... i was horrified at the prospect of doing anything that would hurt anyone or do any more damage to his already disentigrating relationship but i kidded myself that i was just moral support and that having 'someone' to confide in in return balanced the books. everyone a winner. no one got hurt. wholly selfish, deluded and a dozen other cardinal sins besides!) i hoped, and more than once stated as much explicitly when speaking with the 'as-good-as-MM' that while i wanted him in my life, there was no way in hell i wanted any part of 'an affair'. Of course i was in one as it was but refused to see it.

 

while i was in early stage denial that this was anything other than 'friends' - i might add that we'd only ever met the once in person at this stage! - it was hardly a booty-call affair....

 

The 'BW'? (the wronged party in any case) needed extra help at work and i stupidly (but it was done in genuine generosity of spirit) agreed via the MM as a third party to help out as a one off. stupid stupid stupid. suddenly out of nowhere i was consumed with guilt and shame, i'd done 'NOTHING'... just having affection for her partner and having an intimate friendship with him was enough to eat away at my consience. me and the BW met briefly. we exchanged niceties. it nearly killed me.

 

to my eternal shame, as the weeks progressed the relationship between me and the 'all-but-MM' started stretching at it's stitching despite frequent efforts on my part to slam on the brakes or erect emotional fencing. We all but never met in person (5 times in 6 months), and when we did there was a great deal of staring at our shoes and shuffling our feet. heartfelt hugs and meaningful looks was as wrong as it got. Looking back, even though it seemed 'okay', in someways that was maybe worse than just shagging him senseless?

 

The 'one off' assistance at the work of the wronged-party turned into a regular thing... i needed the money desperately and couldn't say no (well yes, obviously i could. But like you in a way, i just couldn't and still can't) not least because the only reason i'd have to decline was un-utterable... it wasn't devious or malicious... but christ almighty did i hate myself for this. time rolls on... technically, physically, there's still no wrong doing.. but my guilt is both real and probably visable...

 

She invited me to the works party. I swear i would rather have chewed my own arm off rather than go. For any of the many reasons that others have posted on your thread... but i so SO understand your unwillingness to find anOTHER excuse not to go. You feel it makes you look suspect in declining (yes, i know that's laughable under the circumstances) but i never ever wanted to do anything to hurt her, at the same time i didn't want to surrender my intimacy with her partner. selfish, selfish, selfish.

 

i had long suspected that she 'smelled a rat', and we are still in touch cordially but i have the righteous suspicion that she drew me into that, as well as phone conversations and emails etc. as a means of 'warding me off'... if that's true (and i believe it also is in your case) it shows extraordinary dignity in the face of an awkward circumstance (appeal to the OW rather than confront the MM?)... you've just shown in your own case how magnificently it works?

 

That isn't intended as patronizing toward the BW. Far from it. I'm in my own struggle with my own selfish need for his attention and trying to weigh up what does and does not consitute 'wrong-doing'... despite various assurances from many parties... nothing that makes me feel this guilty can be 'right'.

 

I'm just saying - be at peace. I know why you had to go through with the dinner, and it probably was a stitch-up on her part to a certain extent. You may not have seen it, but it was an unspoken, sub-text 'parlais' between two sister women.. 'back off'.. 'i'll ask you nicely just this once'.

 

You weren't evil to go. you were trying to keep up appearances and in so-doing, hopefully avoid her suspicion radar going off. This was sweet but naive since she'd obviously already cottoned on? no one died. lessons learned. But it wasn't as demonically sadistic as some on this thread have implied?

 

That said. You've had your warning... she's onto you. Back off (and god knows i understand that's easier said than done) or face the wrath when it eventually comes around? And believe you me it will. And it will be truly terrible, whether she suspected or not.

 

Easier to say it than do it. I know only too well.

 

Non-judgy-judgemental. Sometimes doing the wrong thing seems the only available way of doing the 'right' thing. You get stuck in a blind ally. I'm glad that there wasn't a monumental blow up confrontation though. For the sake of everyone involved!!

 

FH xxx

[NoIDidn't]

Wow, FH, that was pretty dead on.

 

Its so true about us women. We deal with the interloper first in a nice way - take away the wayward's candy, so to speak - and then deal with the one closer to home.

 

I can't say that the W in this case was warning her or not, but it did come off that she is on to them and that the gig is about up. Any future dealings between this W and CC may not be so nice once the truth comes out.

[CarbonCopy]

I don't understand why you think his wife knows anything? Our relationship is over anyway, but there was never ANY inkling that she knew or even suspected something was up. He and I were together over a year, and this whole "thing" has been going on for a year and a half. I doubt she suspects or ever suspected anything...

[Dexter Morgan]

I don't understand why you think his wife knows anything? Our relationship is over anyway, but there was never ANY inkling that she knew or even suspected something was up. He and I were together over a year, and this whole "thing" has been going on for a year and a half. I doubt she suspects or ever suspected anything...

 

so is this why you went out to eat with her and befriended her? So you could secretly sit there with some smug smile on your face and revel in the fact that you had her man?

[translucentsoul]

I'd give her credit for suspecting something was amiss.

Maybe she cannot put her finger on it, but intuition does its job well.

 

I suspect the W in my situation "knows," but they seem to have a don't ask/don't tell thing going. (as well as his suspicions she's at least having an emotional affair)

 

All the same, I'm glad the meeting gave some perspective.

I know I'd never go through this again.

Informed poly only from now on.

 

what a journey human life can be, eh? We never know what is on the road ahead.