Can feelings grow over time?

[rynj]

I have been on a couple of dates with this guy, we both attend the same University, and I like him, but I know right now my feelings for him isn't the same way as he has for me. Do you think feelings can grow over time, we've only recently met? About a month. I was crying and the thought of loosing him as a friend really hurts. He's a great guy, probably all the things I want in a guy, but for some odd reason that feeling isn't there. I have never dated a guy before, and I am a virgin (we had oral sex once, some people have different definition of a virgin). Ive only went a date with one other guy. I want to suggest to him to be friends and I think he feels the same way. I told him he can date anyone and I don't want me to be in the way, and that he and I can only be friends if we both just enjoy each others company, but I do care about him a lot.

 

At first he was hesitant about being friends, but he said that he agreed that we hardly even know each other. He also said that maybe underneath it all hes hoping that something will change, but the fact that we both just met and hardly know each other eases the pain and might allow us to be friends.

 

Can feelings grow over time, or does it have to be there right from the start?

Edited June 12, 2010 by rynj

[ADF]

Can romantic feelings develop over time? Absolutely. And they sometimes do.

 

Frankly, I think people put way too much emphasis on instant attraction, on so-called "chemistry," on how they "just clicked" with someone, blah, blah, blah. As strong as these reactions may be in the moment, they can fade just as quickly, and are a poor guide for determining long-term compatibility.

 

That said, if this man is attracted to you, he shouldn't try to be friends with you right now. In in heart of hearts, he wants more. He is only accepting the "friend" role because it's the best he can get, and he is going to try and use that role to position himself for get more in the future.

 

Don't let him torture himself like that. If you really aren't interested, he needs to break off contact with you until he finds someone else. Then, maybe, you and he can be friends.

[Feelin Frisky]

Yes. Feelings can change. But I think in your case your best hope may be in seeing if he'll start to chase you rather than the other way around. To do that you have to overcome your swirling emotions and learn to mature a little faster. To me that means having a "land on your feet" air about yourself, other interests, perhaps more grown up dress, perhaps other males around you. If he never reverses his indifference, it just is one of those not to be things that leave a little wound on a long life where most every older person has secret scars and wounds. Life is not built on fairness--it evolved on competitiveness and selfish pursuits. Best wishes for getting through it only slightly scathed.

[Cracker Jack]

They certainly can. And in this situation, I could see it happening.

 

Now if you guys had known each other for a yr or so, and you asked this, then I'd be more reluctant to say your feelings will change--but it's still early in this situation, so there's plenty that could happen.

 

And I agree with ADF on the friendship part. That's where it gets tricky.

[that girl]

Yes, I think feelings can grow. Though I have to say, I can count on one hand the number of times a woman wasn't interested after a few dates and later became interested. Friends suddenly realizing they want more is more common in my experience.

 

I get that he is a great guy, but do you find him physically attractive? Have you kissed him? Did you like kissing him? A guy can be great and I don't think chemistry has to be immediate, but you shouldn't be beating yourself up over not being attracted to this great guy. A guy can be great and not be the guy for you. No one expects guys to be attracted to women just because they are super nice.

[Woggle]

Stop this before you break his heart. Feelings will not develop from your end and in time you will do something to crush his heart and he will be on here bitter because he got dumped for being nice.