do they ever come back?

[melanie101]

Hello All.

 

I was with my boyfriend for 3 years. We lived together for almost 3 years as well. We talked marriage early on in our relationship. He often made comments that "we should just sign the [marriage] papers" as neither of us wanted an elaborate wedding.

 

Exactly 1 month ago he broke my heart. I arrived home in the evening and he seemed somewhat distant with me. I pressed him as to what was wrong and at first he didn't want to talk to me about it. Finally, he said he's not happy. We discussed this further and he came to the conclusion that we should break up because I guess it was the relationship that was bothering him. We didn't fight, we laughed together, were affectionate. I don't know what happened and he couldn't explain it to me either. He said he was feeling "numb". So, he left with his toothbrush.

 

The next day, I was so devestated, I went home from work early only to find him sitting in our apartment with 5 garbage bags filled with his belongings. He was sitting on our bed with his head in his hands crying. I told him that "I don't even know why we are breaking up". He said that the entire night he thought he'd made a "horrible mistake". He is not an overly emotional guy, so crying is not something I see often with him. He even cried for the first time on the phone with his mom about us.

 

We talked/cried for about 1 hour and then I left. He said he "needed to gain perspective" and "wanted to be alone". That was how we ended things. This has been consuming my mind every single day for 1 month.

 

I have not contacted him AT ALL since the day after we broke up. So it's basically been 1 month of NO CONTACT. I have also not heard a peep from him. That part has been really hard on me. I thought for sure that he would reach out to me.

 

Every week has gotten easier for me. The first week I was a hopeless mess. Now, I'm able to have moments of joy in my day. That being said, I can't stop wondering what will happen with me and him. Do they ever come back?

 

Can anyone comment as to what they think happened here? I don't really have closure on this break up. He told me at the end that he loved me so much and would do anything for me, and yet he still broke my heart? Is this Grass is Greener syndrome? He is 28 and I am 27. My birthday was 4 days after he broke up with me and I didn't even get a happy birthday Relationships are so messed up.

[summerl0vesyou]

*hugs* first of all...it sounds so painful.

Honestly I have no idea why he left, if things had been so "good"... sometimes people get stuck in a rut, they get scared.. maybe he needs time to see what hes missing, or possibly he just feels that his soul may fit better with another, and cant even verbalize that to himself.

 

BUT...yes they do come back sometimes...especially if its MEANT to happen. do you believe in fate? if you were meant to be joined and have it last, he will be back. if not, as painful as it is, you will have to move on. it is so incredibly hard, but right now you have to assume he is NOT coming back. That doesnt mean he wont. but you cant live your life waiting for a day that may never come.

 

Hes taking this chance to explore himself, and what he wants. DO the same. This is your chance to find out things you havent been able to for the last 3 years of your life. Reconnect with old friends. Try a new fitness thing (yoga? pilates? running? who knows!). Try a new restaurant or club with friends or family. Try to keep busy. Im sure youve heard all of this before but truly, its the best thing to do...and honestly, it always seems that once i turn my head away, they do come back. It must be something in the air that shows them that they are truly losing you. lmao

Be strong <3

 

and....if you love him- accept that he wants to be happy. if it isnt with you...unfortunately then it isnt. if he comes back and allows you to be his happiness, thats wonderful. but you can find happiness too, i promise.

[melanie101]

Thank You Summerlovesyou.

 

Your post brought tears to my eyes. I 100% agree with and appreciate your advice. This has been by far THE MOST confusing time of my life, but I have to admit, I feel like I am growing and getting stronger every day. It's just so weird to have someone you spent every day with just vanish... a distant memory. I'm so proud of myself for not contacting him as I want to remain a dignified woman in all of this. I have a very gentle spirit and am not quick to anger, but I have had moments of anger where I almost made contact. *sigh*.

 

Do people honestly reconcile and have a fulfilling, long-lasting relationship with their ex? So many people are pessimistic, and believe me, it's easy for me to understand why. I also understand why people have the desire to reconcile, especially if the relationship had lots of love.

 

Thank You. Do you believe in Fate? Everything happens for a reason?

[ADF]

Your ex-BF is hiding something from you. Any time someone breaks off a relationship out of the blue, you can be sure of one thing: the out-of-the-blue part is on your end only. I don't know what the whole truth is in your case, but I'd bet any amount of money you haven't heard it.

[Ilovecake]

I'm sorry for your pain.

 

To answer your question. Do they ever fully come back on board? Rarely. Does it work out after they come back? More times no than yes.

 

It's hard to forget when someone breaks your heart. Once a person leaves like that if they do come back their act of leaving will always be in the back of your mind. Usually the person that was left will walk on egg shells anticipating the person leaving again and once someone left chances are the will leave again. But yes sometimes they come back.

 

Most importantly you can't make them come back. All you can do is wait it out and see what your ex decides. The more you try to contact him or convince him to come back the more likely you are to push him away so as badly as you want to take action and do something to fix it you simply can't. Unfortunately it's completely out of your hands.

Edited June 13, 2010 by Ilovecake

[Citizen Erased]

I went back to my ex...it didn't change anything and we split again. I did at one point love him but we were so different, I felt like I was being suffocated by our relationship and where we were heading. And when I came back, nothing had changed, and he did resent me for breaking up with him. Of course, that's natural. I was so devastated by the breakup that I thought I'd made a mistake but in reality I was just mourning the end of a large part of my life. He was still never going to be my future.

 

You can care about someone and perhaps stay with them but if it's not right, nothing can change that. If that is how he feels, you deserve the chance to find someone that will never feel that way about you and your relationship.

[KafkasLastWords]

Hello All.

 

I was with my boyfriend for 3 years. We lived together for almost 3 years as well. We talked marriage early on in our relationship. He often made comments that "we should just sign the [marriage] papers" as neither of us wanted an elaborate wedding.

 

Exactly 1 month ago he broke my heart. I arrived home in the evening and he seemed somewhat distant with me. I pressed him as to what was wrong and at first he didn't want to talk to me about it. Finally, he said he's not happy. We discussed this further and he came to the conclusion that we should break up because I guess it was the relationship that was bothering him. We didn't fight, we laughed together, were affectionate. I don't know what happened and he couldn't explain it to me either. He said he was feeling "numb". So, he left with his toothbrush.

 

The next day, I was so devestated, I went home from work early only to find him sitting in our apartment with 5 garbage bags filled with his belongings. He was sitting on our bed with his head in his hands crying. I told him that "I don't even know why we are breaking up". He said that the entire night he thought he'd made a "horrible mistake". He is not an overly emotional guy, so crying is not something I see often with him. He even cried for the first time on the phone with his mom about us.

 

We talked/cried for about 1 hour and then I left. He said he "needed to gain perspective" and "wanted to be alone". That was how we ended things. This has been consuming my mind every single day for 1 month.

 

I have not contacted him AT ALL since the day after we broke up. So it's basically been 1 month of NO CONTACT. I have also not heard a peep from him. That part has been really hard on me. I thought for sure that he would reach out to me.

 

Every week has gotten easier for me. The first week I was a hopeless mess. Now, I'm able to have moments of joy in my day. That being said, I can't stop wondering what will happen with me and him. Do they ever come back?

 

Can anyone comment as to what they think happened here? I don't really have closure on this break up. He told me at the end that he loved me so much and would do anything for me, and yet he still broke my heart? Is this Grass is Greener syndrome? He is 28 and I am 27. My birthday was 4 days after he broke up with me and I didn't even get a happy birthday Relationships are so messed up.

 

Melanie, I am so incredibly sorry Reading your story made me incredibly sad because I understand completely what you are feeling. My ex and I were together for over 4.5 years and were so happy, about to move in together and talking engagement when basically the same thing happened. I came to his apt one day and he was distant and sad with tears in his eyes and said he just wasn't happy. We have had a little over 2 months of NC. I felt myself growing stronger every week for a while but a few days ago was what would have been our 5 year anniversary and it really set me back. It gets better, there are also dips where it feels like it's getting worse again but that is temporary.

 

As for whether it ever works out that people get back together and have fulfilling relationships... yes it does but I think it's important to remember that just because it has happened and does happen for some, that doesn't mean it's going to happen. Holding on to that idea is dangerous... and something I am trying to stop myself from doing too.

 

I know one couple that was together for 5 years, split up for about 6 months and are now happily married and expecting their first child. Another couple I know was together for 6 years, broke up because he didn't think he ever wanted to get married, but with her gone he realized he couldn't be without her and they are getting married in September. A third couple I know was together for 6 years, he broke up with her for a month, then they got back together for a year, he broke up with her and said this time it was for good and they wouldn't work... 4 months later she called him and said she missed him and he told her to get over him and move on... well 3 months after that he came back to her and said what a huge mistake he'd made etc. and it was all up to her. It took her some time but she took him back and they got married a month ago. They've never been happier and he says he needed that time to realize that she is really the one forever because forever is a long time.

 

I also know couples that have broken up and gone on to find other partners that they are very happy with so the story can end in many different ways. Stay strong, keep your head up and remember, this too shall pass.

[melanie101]

Wow Kafkaslastwords.

 

Amazing post. I can't believe you are going through this as well. It's almost exactly the same situation as me! My boyfriend was visibly upset and shaken about breaking up with me. That is why I'm so devestated. There are definately worse days than others, but I do feel myself getting stronger, like you. It is empowering. My sorrow has changed. It is not the same as it was the first week he broke up with me. It is still present, but in a different form.

 

Can I ask you something? You seem to know of a lot of couples that have reconciled. Did they all go through a period of No Contact while they were broken up? Did the dumper return wanting to reconcile?

 

I know it is dangerous to hold onto this hope. It's amazing how love does not disappear though. I still love him as much today as I did a year ago. That is my burden to bear, I guess.

[love009]

Hello All.

 

I have not contacted him AT ALL since the day after we broke up. So it's basically been 1 month of NO CONTACT. I have also not heard a peep from him. That part has been really hard on me. I thought for sure that he would reach out to me.

 

Every week has gotten easier for me. The first week I was a hopeless mess. Now, I'm able to have moments of joy in my day. That being said, I can't stop wondering what will happen with me and him. Do they ever come back?

 

end quote

 

When my ex left..and I didnt hear from him after living in each others pockets fo 8+ years it was the hardest so although people like to tell you to move on or oppucpy yourself with things...its the hardest to know that each day has gone by and he has not needed you.. I feel for you..

[melanie101]

Thank You for being so understanding love009. You are right, that has been so hard for me to come to grips with. We were always together and communicating and to go cold turkey like this has really played with my mind. *sigh*. I hope one day I will feel so much better than I do now. How long ago did your boyfriend break up with you?

[collegemommy]

I'm so sorry you are going through this!! Big HUGS to you!!

 

I haven't read everyone else's responses. I have found that if I read them, I change what I was going to say so I've stopped reading until after I post.... so I'm sorry if I sound like everyone else.

 

Do they ever come back? Yes. Sometimes they do come back. If you read any of my previous posts, you can read about the train wreck of a break up I had around Easter. I went through 6 weeks of hell but my ex and I got back together about a month ago. Is our relationship perfect? Not even close BUT we are working hard to repair what damage has been done.

 

I didn't go through no contact during my breakup. I wish I had listened to the advice I got here (especially from ilovecake-she really knows what's up and tells you like it is!). No contact would have made things so much easier and not looking at facebook would have been even better.

 

Anyway, continue with the no contact and let the chips fall as they may. If it was meant to be, it will find a way.

 

As for why your relationship ended, I can't answer that. I don't know the circumstances surronding your relationship. It just sounds like he needed to move on...you should and will too.

[S.Tee]

Hi melanie,

 

Like everyone else here, my deepest sympathy to you. Most cases are either been ill-treated, affair or heartbroken, but neither in your case coz your bf is such an innocent guy (he cried in which not his style) and yourself are in blank.

 

Both of you makes good couple only there are at times one partner need to explore himself (don't be surprised that even he unable to know why himself) coz marriage is a commitment and you do not simply test and divorce if it did not work. It is lifetime commitment.

 

Some people need months to find the truth. Maybe you meet someone along the period and then realize no one better than your ex, who knows? By then you have found the answer! This is the right partner and nothng comares to him/her.

 

However, I do not think you should just keep quiet. Still keep in touch with him (occasionally) just checking how is he been doing. Just share some good things that happened to you lately and hinted that you also agree for this temporary break-up. It is for your own good, both of you.

 

Simply, keep the relationship warm. In fact maybe he is also waiting for your call but do not have the heart to call you since he wished for this break-up. Do not have any expectations, if he is yours, then sooner or later he will be back.

 

Always keep trying several approach, simple yet effective approach. There is hope, lots of hope...good luck.

[melanie101]

S. Tee, Thank You for those kind words. You have a sweet spirit. I do have to tell you though that I'm not 100% comfortable contacting him right now. I understand what you are saying about leaving the door open, but I do not want to appear "desperate" or "needy". I want to maintain my dignity in all of this. Is this ok? If anything, I would like the initial contact to come from him. It's safe to assume that if he truly believes he made a mistake, he can be man enough to say so himself, right?

[northstar1]

I would suggest to keep NC and not contact him. All it will do, esp if he ignores you or is just neutral, will be to set you back

 

He ended it and so if he truly wants a 2nd chance, he will need to be the one to show up, explain the mistake and that he wants to try again.

 

I know NC is hard, one of the hardest things, but you simply cannot heal if you try and have a casual conversation with him or see how he is doing.

 

I know it's harsh, but NC is the best thing

[skydiveaddict]

agreed.................

[AlwaysConflicted]

It sounds like he isn't happy in general and the relationship is too much pressure on him.

 

He probably just needs to be alone for a while to remember who he is and what he wants.

[S.Tee]

S. Tee, Thank You for those kind words. You have a sweet spirit. I do have to tell you though that I'm not 100% comfortable contacting him right now. I understand what you are saying about leaving the door open, but I do not want to appear "desperate" or "needy". I want to maintain my dignity in all of this. Is this ok? If anything, I would like the initial contact to come from him. It's safe to assume that if he truly believes he made a mistake, he can be man enough to say so himself, right?

 

Melanie, good for you! You are one strong girl and that's the way it should be. You are facing the whole situation in a proper manner and if you are comfortable with that, go ahead.

 

But if you are still guessing how is he doing right now, it is OK just to say HI. Do not look desperate but in a friendly manner. Maybe also you can share that you also agree with the break-up and it is for both of you to explore the outside world and be open to other person. No hard feelings, just share the goods things happened to you lately. Be happy.

 

It is basically just keep in touch. It works!

[KafkasLastWords]

Wow Kafkaslastwords.

 

Amazing post. I can't believe you are going through this as well. It's almost exactly the same situation as me! My boyfriend was visibly upset and shaken about breaking up with me. That is why I'm so devestated. There are definately worse days than others, but I do feel myself getting stronger, like you. It is empowering. My sorrow has changed. It is not the same as it was the first week he broke up with me. It is still present, but in a different form.

 

Can I ask you something? You seem to know of a lot of couples that have reconciled. Did they all go through a period of No Contact while they were broken up? Did the dumper return wanting to reconcile?

 

I know it is dangerous to hold onto this hope. It's amazing how love does not disappear though. I still love him as much today as I did a year ago. That is my burden to bear, I guess.

 

I understand that completely - I still love him too and it is awful. I won't sugar coat that part. I have read tons of posts on here and there are only a few I can relate to. I have gone to therapy since the breakup and we didn't have any hidden problems below the surface or anything like that. We were genuinely good together. The only thing is he had major issues with marriage because of his parents and I knew about that since day one... but chose to ignore it. He talked about how he couldn't wait to marry me all of last year and into the start of this year but when it started to become real, everything seemed to change. In my heart I don't believe that he just fell out of love with me.

 

Do you guys have any truly mutual friends? We have a few and I've found that is the toughest part. He hasn't been happy since we broke up and I hate hearing that but I also hate hearing that he is trying to date to cheer himself up. I'm able to laugh with friends now and enjoy parts of my life, not to mention actually concentrate at work which was a big problem at first. But the idea of dating actually disgusts me.

 

As for the people that got back together... the ones that are expecting a baby had no contact, and the ones that just got married had no contact. In both cases the guy broke it off and it seemed like it was final. The only couple that didn't have NC is the one that is getting married in September but they are a bit older and she left him because he said he didn't want to get married and she said marriage was important to her. It was a different type of breakup because it was about whether they wanted the same things out of life. I think NC is important for healing. I also believe that if someone really wants you back, they'll find their way back and contact you. I made it clear to my ex that I don't hate him and he was my best friend for the entire time we were together. As much as I'm a strong, independent, dignified female and hate to admit this... the ball is in his court.

[KafkasLastWords]

I should also add the 2 couples that had NC and were closer to our age and had to "realize" that they made a huge mistake and loved the other person ... well they actually didn't sit around waiting and they did date and get out there. At the end of the day, whatever is meant to be will be. It isn't something I want to do or am looking forward to (it's hard to stomach going from something meaningful and intimate to surface dating again) but it seems like actually exploring yourself and who you are without him is an important part of this process. Looks like we have to suck it up and attempt to get out there missy! I'm half laughing and half teary in saying that haha

[lvixen]

I agree with the person who said that he has something to hide! It's quite possible he was seeing someone else, or at least interested in someone else, or something along those lines. People don't fall out of love overnight, so him breaking up with you was probably something he was planning for a while.

 

Him crying doesn't mean jack! My ex cried when he kicked me out of his place too. It wasn't like him either (to cry). I still had contact with him after that and he treated me like utter garbage.

 

Stay NC. For most people it takes more than one month to get over someone, especially in a three year relationship.

 

It WILL get better for you.

[Ilovecake]

Melanie, good for you! You are one strong girl and that's the way it should be. You are facing the whole situation in a proper manner and if you are comfortable with that, go ahead.

 

But if you are still guessing how is he doing right now, it is OK just to say HI. Do not look desperate but in a friendly manner. Maybe also you can share that you also agree with the break-up and it is for both of you to explore the outside world and be open to other person. No hard feelings, just share the goods things happened to you lately. Be happy.

 

It is basically just keep in touch. It works!

 

Can you please explain how this will work to her benefit? You have been in several threads telling people to break NC. Why? Is it because you want to break NC with your ex so you are trying to justify it? Please be specific. Thanks

 

Contact in not a good idea!!!!

[Ilovecake]

I agree with the person who said that he has something to hide! It's quite possible he was seeing someone else, or at least interested in someone else, or something along those lines. People don't fall out of love overnight, so him breaking up with you was probably something he was planning for a while.

 

Him crying doesn't mean jack! My ex cried when he kicked me out of his place too. It wasn't like him either (to cry). I still had contact with him after that and he treated me like utter garbage.

 

Stay NC. For most people it takes more than one month to get over someone, especially in a three year relationship.

 

It WILL get better for you.

 

This is very true. My ex cried as well. The only time I saw him cry ever, though he already had a new girlfriend lined up, he still cried. Tears do not mean anything; it doesn't mean they're sensitive. A person would have to be pretty dead inside to feel absolutely nothing during a breakup, no matter what the circumstances. It's a sad thing, people cry then they move on.

 

I'm telling you if you contact him and he acts weird or indifferent towards you it will ruin your week. You will feel worse then you have in a long time. You'll be dialing the phone nervous, expecting him to be happy to hear from you and then what if you get the cold shoulder? Just imagine how you will feel. Will it be worth the pain and humiliation? Keep your dignity. Let him wonder what you are up to. Don’t let him know you are rotting away pining for him, this will not make him want you back. I know this sounds harsh but I swear to you this is the reality.

[KafkasLastWords]

This is very true. My ex cried as well. The only time I saw him cry ever, though he already had a new girlfriend lined up, he still cried. Tears do not mean anything; it doesn't mean they're sensitive. A person would have to be pretty dead inside to feel absolutely nothing during a breakup, no matter what the circumstances. It's a sad thing, people cry then they move on.

 

I'm telling you if you contact him and he acts weird or indifferent towards you it will ruin your week. You will feel worse then you have in a long time. You'll be dialing the phone nervous, expecting him to be happy to hear from you and then what if you get the cold shoulder? Just imagine how you will feel. Will it be worth the pain and humiliation? Keep your dignity. Let him wonder what you are up to. Don’t let him know you are rotting away pining for him, this will not make him want you back. I know this sounds harsh but I swear to you this is the reality.

 

 

I couldn't agree more. Dignity and self-respect are so important in the healing process. Not to mention appearing needy and hung-up doesn't look good on anyone.

 

Since I know a lot of people seem to be interested in reconciliation stories... of the couples I do know that did actually get back together SUCCESSFULLY, both the dumper and the dumpee genuinely tried to move on and came back together out of wanting to, not loneliness. And frankly, they didn't pick up where they left off but, instead, started fresh... if that makes sense.

[melanie101]

Thank You everybody for your support. It's 5 weeks today since we broke up and No Contact.

 

Yesterday I had a melt down at my parents because I can't believe our relationship ended like this. I thought for sure he would have reached out to me by now. He was always telling me how "I was the best thing to ever happen to him", "I was the love of his life", "I was his soul-mate". Talk is cheap, I guess?

 

I'm feeling better and stronger today. It's funny how it comes in waves.

 

Kafkaslastwords, I read your story. How utterly upsetting. I'm so sorry. Our stories are incredibly similar, I don't even know what to say. I hope that you are starting to feel better. THANK YOU Thank you for the clarification on the stories that you know of the people who have successfully reconciled. It just shows me that there are many ways this could end for us. I hope whatever the ending, it's happy, be it with our ex or without.

 

Here is my question. Say for whatever reason, an ex returns wanting to reconcile. I've read that in order for this to happen he needs to provide a good reason as to why he left in the first place and why he is now wanting you back in his life. WHAT WOULD BE A GOOD REASON? How do I know if he is sincere or not? I would be crushed to be married with children and have him walk out on me again. How do i know?

[Nikki Sahagin]

I can relate to how you must feel. The first time my ex left me, he broke up with me randomly when I came back from work (although I did sense it coming.) Its such a surreal, shocking thing, its like walking upstairs and missing a step, you just feel sick, like the bottom of your stomach has fallen out. Its just such an incredibly tormenting thing, the pain of a loss and a loss which they chose and wanted and we will never understand. Even when my ex explained to me in detail why he left, I still couldn't 'understand', I just couldn't grasp it; I couldn't differentiate between the lies, the truths and the excuses. I just thought 'but...we love each other right?'

 

Its the hardest thing I think any of us ever go through; the most confusing, devestating and isolating experience - that is loss. I think back to that pain and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Its like your own private hell, and you can look out and see other people who have no idea what you're feeling.

 

It does get easier and it will. I think you should remain NC, although you must have many questions. Because he is not reaching out to you first - and he should.