Is an extramarital relationship a real relationship?

June 14, 2010

If a BS and WS choose to reconcile - truly reconcile - then believe me, your description is completely and irrevocably wrong. The situation as you described would not be a "real relationship", but a truly reconciled marriage is. That is where there is real value and courage - not in "acting like a prison warden"... and I've got to say, that I personally find the comparison both disgusting and rude .

You obviously didn't read what I wrote...I was stating I could not do it so to me it had no value. It doesn't and that is what I would have felt like. That doesn't mean it has no value to someone else and I respect that. My point was the differences in personal perspectives and opinions. If I had a dime for every time someone said something about my relationship that I thought was rude or disgusting I'd be rich by now. I accept it for what it is-their opinion. They are seeing it from their perspective and I'm seeing it from mine...same as I've expressed above.

My previous posts over the months will back up my thoughts on my lack of ability to be able to give a reconciliation a go...they will also back up my support of BS and WS who are making a go of it. I send PMs to BS who appear to be having a hard time...I want them to know that I respect what they're doing and hope as much as they do it works out for them.

June 14, 2010

Just wondering whether the 'No' camp consider the A any more real/valuable if the affair parties have a child together. It happens. Just curious.

Pretty good question.

To me, it would be interesting to see which family the MM chooses...his W and their kids or the OW and that child.

How many MM actually FILE for D to be with the OW and the child then?

How many try and HIDE the child and OW from the W and his kids with her?

How many get SERVED D papers by the BW?

I would again think that actions would strongly hint at where the MM places his "value".

I can only think of one case here on LS where the WH got the OW pregnant. The BS filed for D. Then she stopped posting.

Oops, just remembered another. The OW posted here about her MM getting kicked out and their struggles after she got preggy. I do not think they (the OW and the MM) lasted long. And it was very unhealthy for her based on her posts.

Personally, its just my gut reaction, my money is that very few if any MM up and leave their W and kids for the OW, pregnant or not. So the child is real but the R between MM and OW is not real enough to leave.

June 14, 2010

Just wondering whether the 'No' camp consider the A any more real/valuable if the affair parties have a child together. It happens. Just curious.

I still say no, and from experience. The child is real, but the R generally never involves MM in any meaningful way in the child's life.

My brother was the child of an MM and my mom. MM's family loved my brother. He spent many a summer with them in MM's home state until his illness prevented it.

My brother was abandoned by his father after his parents broke up. MM's family cared for him, even up to the end. MM's W stayed with him right up until my brother passed a few years ago. It was said that his grieving for his abandoned child was too much for her (triggers). My brother was nearly 25 when he died.

Don't get me wrong, some MM do step up to the plate and take care of their children born in As. But that has nothing to do with the A. That is a man taking care of his child. OW is separate from the child, right? Having the child in no way validates the A, it just means that unprotected sex occurred.

June 14, 2010

If H had a child with XOW, then I would expect him to be a part of that child's life. He would have a relationship with XOW as the mother of his child and obviously a relationship with child. If that had happened, and we had reconciled, then I would that in time, I could also be included (XOW permitting) as the child would have siblings. Any man who fathers child should step up to the plate, without question.

But, any other relationship with XOW, then no, but while an A is in progress, yes it is a relationship, not one I would be comfortable with as a woman. I don't knowingly share my man.

June 14, 2010

I've been called many things, in this life, but sweet isn't usually one of them>

Yeah....I think I called you something else in another thread.

LOL

June 15, 2010

You obviously didn't read what I wrote...I was stating I could not do it so to me it had no value. It doesn't and that is what I would have felt like. That doesn't mean it has no value to someone else and I respect that. My point was the differences in personal perspectives and opinions. If I had a dime for every time someone said something about my relationship that I thought was rude or disgusting I'd be rich by now. I accept it for what it is-their opinion. They are seeing it from their perspective and I'm seeing it from mine...same as I've expressed above.

I did read what you wrote. I found it rude and disgusting to imply that every BS treats their WS in the way that you personally felt you would have treated yours. Though your point may have been differences in personal perspectives, the implication was not that any BS would treat their WS differently from what you stated, but rather that their view of that treatment was different from your view. Totally different concept.

If you feel that I shouldn't say what I personally feel in response to your posts, I most respectfully disagree. You are certainly entitled to your opinion, as am I. And you are entitled to defend your opinion, as am I.

June 15, 2010

I did read what you wrote. I found it rude and disgusting to imply that every BS treats their WS in the way that you personally felt you would have treated yours. Though your point may have been differences in personal perspectives, the implication was not that any BS would treat their WS differently from what you stated, but rather that their view of that treatment was different from your view. Totally different concept.

If you feel that I shouldn't say what I personally feel in response to your posts, I most respectfully disagree. You are certainly entitled to your opinion, as am I. And you are entitled to defend your opinion, as am I.

You are certainly welcome to defend your opinion...I have never made any reference at all to you not being able to respond with what you personally feel, on the contrary. I responded with what my perspective and feelings are and you've taken issue with it. I have no problem with that...I have no problem with you, or anyone, stating their personal thoughts. We can only speak from our personal views and make personal comments, just as I did with what I said and you took offense to. So...on that note we do not disagree.

As far as the comment...many times feelings and thoughts and actions of OW are assumed and spoken of in not very flattering generalizations in these forums on a regular basis and seldom is anything said to counter that. An individual may come back with their stories or thoughts, but the gist of it comes out harshly. I know that I, personally, take it because even though it's often insulting to me personally it is a belief and a thought held by the poster. I make the choice to not take it personally and realize it is just that...it's not a reflection on me and there may be more to what's being said than what's on the screen in front of me. So...in short I often take offense at what's being said and how it's being said, but I respect the right and thought process of that individual who is lumping all OW/OM together.

Edited June 15, 2010 by MizFit

June 15, 2010

No fears, BB07, I never forget an insult, so there was no need to remind me.

June 15, 2010

Please know that not all reconciling relationships between a BS and WS are like you describe here, at least not in a permanent sense.

The prison warden scenario is not likely to create a true, lasting reconciliation, IMO. The power dynamics of the relationship would be too messed up.

Even as a fBS, I do agree that most A are real relationships...and it seems like most posters here agree that an A is a real relationship, just one that is steeped in deceit, in some cases.

Sorry SF...I didn't see your response till now! As I said, it's my perspective. If I'd taken my WH back I'd have felt like a warden and it's something I wouldn't do and would have no value to me whatsoever. I absolutely agree this is not the case with everyone...I was speaking of something from my own perspective that others may disagree strongly with me on.

June 16, 2010

I would think so. I can't picture a relationship being one-sided, especially not an intimate relationship. There would be no intimacy.

How could it be a intimate relationship, its a love triangle. He is going home to his wife every night! He is intimate with two women, he doesn't give a crap about anybody but himself, what will he lose if his wife finds out. What will he lose if his lover says enough?

Its all about him! He couldn't care less about a relationship, he is getting his rocks off.

Its the excitement and the fear of being caught.

June 16, 2010

Why is it that BS or MP can read body language but OP can't? Why is it, when we have true intimacy, we can tell when somebody is lying to us?

MM and I didn't have true intimacy in the beginning and even then I could tell when he was lying which put me on a journey to study facial expressions and treid and true ways of recognizing a lie when you see it. I'd already learned a few facts due to my lying exH but needed more obviously.

After calling MM out and repairing our R, there has been no lying and very little hedging since then. An intimacy developed. If you believe a man can be intimate with his W, surely he can be intimate with his lover. Not saying all MM have intimacy with their OW, but it does happen.

Don't fall into the trap of believing all OP are out of the loop and hopelessy ignorant! I could show you filing cabinets full of evidence showing the opposite!

And who wants to be in a relationship where you have to constantly know and look out for every sign that you're being lied to? That's just not a "real" relationship to me, sorry.