Should we get married?

[Panther0704]

I am in a serious relationship of 2 years. My partner and I talk about our future together including marriage. Problem#1 is that I am divorced and have a child from my previous relationship. Problem #2 is that my current relationship is a long distance, one in which we see each other only on weekends, some holidays etc. My girlfriend wants to feel and be number one in my life and has asked that I put her ahead of my child. She has said that I should spend three weekends of the month with her and one with him. I want it to be fifty-fifty because they are both very important to me but she says because we see each other so rarely that she needs that time with me so our relationship can develop but then my child loses out. So what do I do?

 

Next comes the ex-wife thing, my girlfriend wants me to have nohing to do with her. She asks that I tell my ex to not contact me for an reason unless there is an emergency or a major decision that has to be made for my child. I have told my Ex that I trust her judgement and that she is the one that will make the majority of the decisions for our child. Keep in mind that my Ex-wife has primary custody of our child and until recently they lived in another state and I would see my child only when I could drive down or they would drive up to visit (usually once a month). My Ex is re-married and has two other children with her new husband who is a good step-father to my child. I have no problems not talking to my ex on a personal level because quite frankly I don't care about anything she has to say. But I do want to be involved with my childs life and since the ex has the majority custody I feel it is ok to get updates about my childs education, health etc. from her. My new girlfriend disagrees and says I should make appointments with my childs school teacher/Doctor etc to get info and that my child is old enough to relay information to me.(My child is 7) She says that these are only reasons for me and my Ex to talk. I try to assure her that we strictly talk about our child and the converstions are very short and to the point in fact we rarely talk at all, but my girlfriend doesn't beleive me and insists I do not talk to the Ex at all. My ex and I have always tried to keep the communication open regarding the needs of our child plus it seems like it makes it easier on the child instead of all the bickering. I don't know what to do? I love both my Child and my Girlfriend dearly and can't live without them but she knew I was a father before her and that I come as a package deal yet my girlfriend is my future and I would like to form a family with her one day! Someone please give me some advice? Is my girlfriend being unreasonable? Thanks

[lquidmetalspine]

OK. First off, It seems to me that the ONLY reason your girlfreind doesnt want you to talk to your ex is because she is insecure and might think that you would want to get back with her again sometime in the future. The other part about your g/f wanting more time, I have to say the only thing you can do is tell her that your child is as important to you as she is, that you want your child to be apart of your life as well as hers. All in all it just seems that your g/f is insecure, and is afraid of loosing you either to your ex or your child. But you need to talk to your g/f and tell her what you think of it all. And after you talk and its not something she would be ready to handle then you need to make a decision. Im not telling how to do things, just giving advice. But you have alot to think about. Good luck

[cdn]

Someone please give me some advice? Is my girlfriend being unreasonable?

Yes. And selfish, to boot.

 

Can't say I like the sound of any of this.

 

My girlfriend wants to feel and be number one in my life and has asked that I put her ahead of my child.

This request is inappropriate at best, and indicative of a real stinginess of heart at worst. Your daughter, not your girlfriend, should be number 1 in your life, assuming you are going to "order" all those who are significant to you.

 

Next comes the ex-wife thing, my girlfriend wants me to have nohing to do with her.

It is in your daughter's best interest to be parented by both her parents. That means you need to be able to communicate with your ex-wife. Sadly, in many divorces, this communication is shut down or seriously hindered. You (and your daughter) are lucky not to face this situation.

 

But I do want to be involved with my childs life and since the ex has the majority custody I feel it is ok to get updates about my childs education, health etc. from her. My new girlfriend disagrees and says I should make appointments with my childs school teacher/Doctor etc to get info and that my child is old enough to relay information to me.(My child is 7)

This is so ridiculous that it barely merits a response. But since you asked... Of course it is ok for you to get updates from your ex. No, it is not reasonable for you to have to make appointments with your daughter's teacher/doctor/best-friend's-mother to find out what's happening in her life. It is completely reasonable for you to discuss all of the above listed matters with your ex.

 

My partner and I talk about our future together including marriage.

I think you will be bringing a world of unhappiness on yourself if you and your partner do not first come to terms about your daughter's place in your life.

 

my girlfriend is my future and I would like to form a family with her one day!

I hope she will be more giving with her own child than she appears to be with yours. How will you feel having two children on such an uneven keel?

 

You know, I would like to believe that your gf is simply insecure and that this how she is manifesting her insecurities. And I suppose that if the only issue were that she was concerned about your interactions with your ex I could possibly believe that. But when you write that your gf would like you to see your daughter just 1 weekend per month and her the other 3, combined with the other things you've said, the pattern I see is not of insecurity but of control. What sort of relationship do you suppose your gf has in mind for you and your daughter?

[lostforwords]

I agree 100 % with cdn...... take a very firm stance with your girlfriend.... make it clear to her that your child is a part of your life no matter what..... but also reassure her that she is as well..... the time you spend with your child should be accepted by her. Dont let your girlfriend dictate to you how your relationship with your ex should be like as from what you have said I dont see any innaprpriate actions happening at all. Your girlfriend need sto accept this as well if not.... then it is her problem to get used to not yours. Trust me when I say your child is with you a lifetime... time should never be comprimised ever.... for nobody.

[FolderWife]

What good would getting married do? Your girlfriend is selfish, yes. She just wants to see you more is all. I know it's really selfish to expect a man to put her above his kid, but has she OUT RIGHT asked you to put her in front of your kid? Maybe she doesn't realize how close you are to your child; since you've allowed your ex to have all the rights, she probably doesn't realize that you really truely love your child, otherwise, you would see child more often...in her opinion, not mine.

 

She probably gets really lonely, and seeing you only on weekends is bad enough, but every OTHER weekend? I see why she wants you to see her. Has she suggested you have your child visit her with you? If you get married to her, she will be with you more often, so it may appease her, but on the other hand, she may get a little more selfish with you, simply because she doesn't want you around your ex. I doubt her not wanting you to see your child as often has anything to do with the child, and everything to do with your ex.

 

Are you allowed to have your child alone, or do you HAVE to be with your ex when you are with your child.