Why would a happily married man cheat?

[gigi421]

I have a married friend who recently revealed how much he likes me—how he thinks of nothing but me and is basically “smitten” (his word). Apparently he’s felt this way since he met me, but just now told me. I know he wants a dating type relationship; he has tried to take me on dates and he has tried to kiss me. However, he has said it’s not about sex with me. I feel like he’s already having an emotional affair because he calls and texts me A LOT and stops by my house to bring me little presents (CDs, milkshakes, etc). It's like he's trying to court me.

 

What’s strange is that he says he is happily married and that there’s nothing wrong with his marriage. There’s none of the typical “we’ve grown apart” or “we don’t have sex." He’s been married 10 years and has never cheated. There are absolutely no plans for divorce. He also has two kids.

 

I know he has a sense of entitlement. I tried to convince him how guilty he’d feel if he cheated, but he said, no, he felt like since he worked hard to give his family a good life that he deserved it. But why does he want it if things are good at home? Should I stop being friends with him?

 

Can anyone lend some insight into why a happily married man (or woman, I guess) would risk everything to cheat? Does anyone else know people who’ve cheated while in a good, rewarding relationship? I know we’re seeing this trend with celebrities. I don’t get it.

[ADF]

Because he can?

 

Seriously though, there are many reasons happily married have affairs. There doesn't necessarily need to be a problem within the marriage. For men at least, the fact you love your wife has nothing to do with your attraction for other women. Nothing whatsoever. Men crave variety. We all have the urge to sleep with many different women, regardless of how much we love the woman we're with.

 

Most of us--well, a lot of us--don't cheat because we know how hurtful it would be to our partner, how it could ruin our relationship. But some of us are either too arrogant, too selfish, or too short-sighted to do the right thing when we're tempted.

[somedude81]

It's a term commonly called the "Seven year itch"

 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/building-great-marriages/201001/how-avoid-the-seven-year-itch

 

"About three years ago, the U.S. Census Bureau issued a press release entitled “Most People Make Only One Trip Down the Aisle, But First Marriages Shorter.” There were a number of interesting highlights reported in the press release, but the one that piqued our interest the most was: “On average, first marriages that end in divorce last about eight years.” This phenomenon has often been called the “Seven-Year Itch.”

[ComputerJock]

Just call his wife and tell her what is going on, I'm sure his behavior will change towards you. Don't say "I don't want to get him in trouble." because his wife needs to know what kind of scumbag he is. If you don't then you are just as bad as him.

[gigi421]

I don't know his wife--never met her. I have no way of contacting her and I wouldn't tell her anyways. I don't think it's my place to disrupt a marriage when nothing physical has happened. And he's my friend--I wouldn't do that to him. It be similar to if I told my girlfriend's husband she was cheating on him--would never do it because my loyalty is to her--she's my friend.

 

I met him at his work and he would come hang out with me and friends sometimes. I trusted that he just wanted to be friends for several reasons: 1. he was always honest about his relationship with his wife 2. he was always very appropriate with me, friendly but not flirtatious and 3. i really wanted to trust him because i like him as a friend so much, so i may have ignored some signs.

Edited June 13, 2010 by gigi421

[Woman In Blue]

He’s been married 10 years and has never cheated.

You only know what he's TELLING you. Married men who act like drooling little teenage fools and chase after other women by texting them and bringing them little gifts are hardly saints. So anything he says at this point is suspect.

 

But why does he want it if things are good at home?

The simple truth is that there are TONS of men who just can't be happy with what they have. They always have to have more. He's just one of the many who always has to have more. I honestly doubt you're his "first" since the day he got married. In fact, I HIGHLY doubt it.

 

Should I stop being friends with him?

I think you're intentially trying to be naive. Would you like it and think it was innocent if your husband was sniffing around another woman, acting like a teenager and texting her and bringing her gifts? Would you like it if he told this woman that "he wouldn't feel guilty for sleeping with her because he's been such a good husband and father to you and the kids?" Stop playing naive. That only works when you're 15 years old.

 

Can anyone lend some insight into why a happily married man (or woman, I guess) would risk everything to cheat?

He's enjoying the thrill of the chase, make no mistake about it. Some men thrive on that. They also enjoy the thrill of the conquer, which you're well on your way to becoming. And lastly, they also like having TWO women in their lives to fill ALL their needs. Men who do this are selfish pigs and you're selling yourself pretty short if you agree to provide that for him.

 

Aim higher. ALOT higher.

Edited June 13, 2010 by Woman In Blue

[Woman In Blue]

I trusted that he just wanted to be friends for several reasons: 1. he was always honest about his relationship with his wife 2. he was always very appropriate with me, friendly but not flirtatious and 3. i really wanted to trust him because i like him as a friend so much, so i may have ignored some signs.

I ask this seriously - are you like, 19 years old? That would explain alot.

 

Any adult woman with even a little life experience knows damned well that married men don't want to be "friends" and spend time "hanging out" with women just for the hell of it. They usually have an agenda. This isn't rocket science.

 

And if he REALLY wanted to be your "friend," he'd be inviting you and your boyfriend or spouse over to his house for dinner or drinks with he and his WIFE. You know, because you're his "buddy." Bet that hasn't happened, has it? I'd be willing to bet she probably doesn't even know you exist.

[gigi421]

Oh, I know what's happening is wrong. And I'd possibly be more upset if

my husband was doing sweet things for another woman than if he was sleeping with her. And I'd be surprised if his wife knew about me or any of the other people he hangs out with when he gets off of work. He has met my boyfriend, though interestingly, my BF and I were arguing and considering breaking up when he revealed how he felt.

 

I disagree that all men who are married wouldn't want to just be friends with a woman. I know of many cases where this is indeed the case, and have started seeing it a lot more as I get older. I think it's less common when the people are younger, but as they get older they truly value the friendship they have with another, no matter the gender. (I'm 30 and he's 36, so we may sound like teenagers, but we're definitely not!)

 

I just wondered why someone would try to cheat when they're happy in their current relationship. I know when I'm satisfied with someone there's no way I could cheat because I have no desire to...

[that girl]

He wants to cheat because he wants to have sex with someone else (you), doesn't think he'll get caught and he doesn't really care that much about his relationship.

 

He's also selfish, not only because he wants to cheat on his wife but because he thinks you should lower yourself and get involved with a married man.

 

Stop talking to him outside of necessary work communications. You are not going to fix him, but you are unintentionally encouraging his selfish behavior by continuing to talk to him.

[Lovelybird]

Why do you want to know if he is happily married or not?

 

If he isn't happy with his wife, would you go for it?

 

If you will, check out the OW forum, that would give you insights in real life.

Edited June 15, 2010 by Lovelybird

[jenifer1972]

I think the question is beside the point. The point is, he is trying to RUIN YOUR LIFE with this nonsense and I hope you don't take the bait.

[jnj express]

What is happening is that he is bored with his mge.----mge. is hard work, and after the early years, and hot passion wears off----to many marrieds, it is the same old thing, with the same old body, and run the kids here, and fix this, and pay the bills---etc., etc., etc.

 

If that is where he is, he needs to spend his time taking his wife on dates, making his mge., more exciting, doing things for his family-----The time he is spending chasing you SHOULD BE SPENT WORKING ON HIS MGE.

 

You should have ONE LAST TALK WITH HIM---tell him he needs to go back to his mge., and that you are cutting all contact with him. That is what YOU should do, if you are a proper decent human being----if he is bound and determined to cheat----you can't do anything about that, but you DO NOT HAVE TO BE A PARTY TO IT.

 

Stop being his friend, he actually is a scumbag, for what he has done already, he is not the great wonderful guy you think he is----if nothing else think about what him cheating will do to his kids.

[LSNoob]

You say if your friend cheated on their BF/husband, you will be ok with that??

So if your friend kill someone or do something bad, you will be ok with that?? So you won't do the right thing? You are a slave? A weak person? Don't have the power to stand up and say what is wrong what is right? If anything that tells us a lot about you, if you see your friend cheating and you won't tell the husband, then you are a cheater and no different.

 

As for that poor wife, yes you should tell her, don't be so selfish. You know she have a lousy husband and she deserves so much better. Prob just like your man, he deserves so much better.

 

As for married men and friendship, nope they don't go out make friends. AND IF some of them do, like you say, then the friendship will start like "hey this is my wife Sara, and I'm Peter nice to meet you" and you most likely gonna be seeing Peter with his wife Sara 99.9% of the time. Not comes by buy your presents, buys you milkshake, you give him milkshake or whatever. That's wrong, YOU KNOW IT very damn well, I know you know whats going on, and you want it to keep going that way. AND you are loving that attention so so so much. But you try to come out as the innocent lil girl (awww how cute and innocent =[ ), which in reality you are just loving the attention from that loser.

 

You really 30yo??? =/ I swear I thought you be around 12yo or 13yo, wow, I be 22yo this year and I feel like I'm at least 10years older than you.

 

Now I know why people say "age is just a number". Damn that explains it.

[Rabican]

Because he wants sex?

Because the grass is always greener?

Becuase he wants his cake and wants to eat it too?

Becuase he wants sex.

Becuase you have big boobs?

Becuase he has fantazies about you?

Because he wants sex?

Because you have big DSLs?

Did I mention because he wants to have sex?

[carhill]

Man is hunter. Just because he's got one in the bag doesn't mean he doesn't want more

 

Ug...

 

The above is not sarcastic but rather reflective of my observations of adult males for the past 30+ years.

[Dexter Morgan]

Can anyone lend some insight into why a happily married man (or woman, I guess) would risk everything to cheat?

 

 

because some people are fickle, men and women alike. some people, no matter how happy their marriage is, no matter how much attention they get at home, aren't happy unless they f##k a new face once in a while.

 

sometimes its just that simple.

[Peitho]

Man is hunter. Just because he's got one in the bag doesn't mean he doesn't want more

 

Ug...

 

The above is not sarcastic but rather reflective of my observations of adult males for the past 30+ years.

 

If you seriously believe this, do you think women should be loyal to their men?

Or we should also continue hunting?

[carhill]

If my interactions with married women over the decades are any indicator, I'd say hunting is and has been equal opportunity, relevant to the genetic/socialized sexual roles.

[gigi421]

Wow! I had no idea people would think I was a terrible person for asking this question.

 

I've been called immature (I would disagree--I'm a teacher and have a Master's degree, and I make mature decisions each day), immoral (I just wanted some insight into a friend's thoughts. I'm NOT cheating on my bf with this person, nor would I), naive (I never said I didn't understand that this was wrong. Clearly, I get it. It's wrong.)

 

I was just curious why people in happy relationships would decide to cheat. I didn't realize how not liked I'd be by some.

 

This has nothing to do with me wanting attention either. I genuinely liked this person and get enough attention from my bf. I'm disappointed with the way things have turned out.

 

(And no, I don't have big boobs, as one poster, for some reason, suggested.)

[Feelin Frisky]

It's all relative. So he's "happily married". Does that mean everyone in the world who might say that means it exactly the same way? No. He may have a relationship with no contempt or controversy and thus call it a happy marriage. But as a man who has had a lot of infatuations myself, he may put you on a pedestal and not think about you as a sex object--more of an ideal that makes his heart flutter. I've read some other responses here and I find it sickening that some folks are so flat judgmental of something they can't know--I even read him being called a scumbag. He's an imperfect human just like everyone else and he may just love the feeling of loving someone new and different without thinking of his wife with rancor. It's a super compelling feeling to have infatuation sneak up on one. No one really sits down and rationalizes feelings they don't have yet and then makes a conscious decision to feel something like this. The feelings happen first and then must come the period of dealing with them. It may be early in his infatuation with you to be so detached.

Edited June 17, 2010 by Feelin Frisky

[Leia]

Happily married or not, he's thinking with his d**k!

[gigi421]

It's all relative. So he's "happily married". Does that mean everyone in the world who might say that means it exactly the same way? No. He may have a relationship with no contempt or controversy and thus call it a happy marriage. But as a man who has had a lot of infatuations myself, he may put you on a pedestal and not think about you as a sex object--more of an ideal that makes his heart flutter. I've read some other responses here and I find it sickening that some folks are so flat judgmental of something they can't know--I even read him being called a scumbag. He's an imperfect human just like everyone else and he may just love the feeling of loving someone new and different without thinking of his wife with rancor. It's a super compelling feeling to have infatuation sneak up on one. No one really sits down and rationalizes feelings they don't have yet and then makes a conscious decision to feel something like this. The feelings happen first and then must come the period of dealing with them. It may be early in his infatuation with you to be so detached.

 

 

Thanks for the response. I agree with a lot of what you say--it makes a lot of sense and is very insightful.

[Reality Drip]

People cheat for many reasons.

 

Married men cheat because they've been anchored down and bound for long enough that they have the pent-up urge to "conquer" again. They want to feel free.

 

Doesn't make him a horrible person. Makes him human. BUT..when the s*** hits the fan nobody is immune.

 

If CD's and milkshakes are important to you then hang around but my advice is to put your skates on and get outta there quickly.