Is just yelling abuse?

[samsungxoxo]

My 10 year-old cousin is going through issues getting along with her peers at school.

I'm not sure if this was abuse. Her parents are now separated and the mother is into meeting and dating other guys online. It's been heard the father is probably with another woman now.

 

Anyways, when her parents were together her father used to yelled at both her and the mother often. He never hit either one of them but when shouting, it caused his daughter to cried in fear. Was this abuse?

[Malenfant]

My 10 year-old cousin is going through issues getting along with her peers at school.

I'm not sure if this was abuse. Her parents are now separated and the mother is into meeting and dating other guys online. It's been heard the father is probably with another woman now.

 

Anyways, when her parents were together her father used to yelled at both her and the mother often. He never hit either one of them but when shouting, it caused his daughter to cried in fear. Was this abuse?

 

yes, yelling can definately be abuse. so can talking softly.

with a very small child its more about the tone, so yelling randomly would frighten a little kid.

 

for an older child, yelling nasty things or just saying nasty things is abusive.

 

people who yell when they're angry have issues. it comes from frustration. its also very rude and nasty and insensitive to push yourself on others in this way.

[Feelin Frisky]

Not enough info to judge. To say "yes" totally let's everyone else off the hook as if they are just little lambs peacefully grazing in the grass. I had a sister who wage passive aggression against me for my entire childhood. Even today my mother in her 70's does not know what that means and I certainly didn't have a clue until adulthood. It always made my sister look like the innocent passive victim of my anger when in fact I had no arguments or issue with my other 6 younger siblings. My mother and father beat me and bought her lies and sneaky traps hook line and sinker and after a day of being carefully aggressed I smacked her in the arm and my uncle saw it and punched me full force in the stomach. He justifies his assault on me, a minor at the time and him a strong adult. I wish I would have called the cops and they had laws as strict as they do now about domestic violence--then he wouldn't have had a career in the police department in which he retired as a lieutenant. He would have had a police record of a much different kind.

 

Yelling is as far as we can go when someone in the family continually crosses us. My own experience taught me well not to make judgments on half a story.

[Green]

Anything can be abuse. I think if you want to help your cousin you should just talk and listen to her. Labeling what she is going through as "YOU ARE BEING ABUSED WHEN YOU ARE YELLED AT" isn't going to help her out.

[Taramere]

My 10 year-old cousin is going through issues getting along with her peers at school.

I'm not sure if this was abuse. Her parents are now separated and the mother is into meeting and dating other guys online. It's been heard the father is probably with another woman now.

 

Anyways, when her parents were together her father used to yelled at both her and the mother often. He never hit either one of them but when shouting, it caused his daughter to cried in fear. Was this abuse?

 

Yes - it's emotional abuse. Whether you hit a child physically, in anger, or scream at them you're giving them the same hostile message. A fairly robust child might take that kind of thing in their stride, whereas a sensitive one may become extremely anxious in response to the yelling - as your cousin does.

 

However, telling your cousin that her father is abusive probably wouldn't be the best way to approach this. Regardless of how much poor parenting there is, children don't take well to criticism of their parents. It sounds as though there were problems in your aunt and uncle's marriage that resulted in a lot of stress being displaced by your uncle.

 

Your cousin needs to know that the yelling resulted from her dad being in a stressed frame of mind. That is spoke of what was going on for him personally, and didn't reflect on who she is.

 

Do you know what kind of things he yelled at her?

[Shakz]

I think, like FF said, not enough info to make a judgement. Still, raising your voice to someone is a sign of losing control, although it may not necessarily be abusive. She may have cried in fear, but it might have been the hieghtened emotionality, not any specific threats. And as someone else intimated, a whisper can be as violent as a punch to a sensitive child. We need a little more info.

[Ronni_W]

Anyways, when her parents were together her father used to yelled at both her and the mother often. He never hit either one of them but when shouting, it caused his daughter to cried in fear.

Regardless of the label, it was psychologically-emotionally traumatizing. If, in the future, your cousin starts "acting up", you might suggest to her mom that some counseling could be helpful. Or, you might just suggest that, anyway.

 

'Abusive' is defined as: "(being) characterized by physical or psychological maltreatment" [WordNetWeb.princeton.edu], and also as: "Improper treatment or usage" [WikiPedia.org].

So, yes, yelling loud enough to cause crying and fear in a child certainly qualifies as abusive, esp. if that is being done to control or show 'power over'. It's not a question of "who else did what else?" Each adult is responsible for her or his own self-management and behaviour, regardless of what the next person is or is not doing.

 

As Taramere says, though, there is nothing positive that can come out of telling or confirming for a child that they were/are being abused. Much more effective to find ways to help them deal with their actual situation, emotions, etc.

 

 

Even if a child was (somehow) goading an adult, that child still is innocent and cannot be blamed or held responsible if the adult loses self-control and becomes abusive-violent-dysfunctional.

It's different when the same types of dynamics are played out peer-to-peer. In the case of children being allowed to mistreat other children, it's the adult caregivers who are failing at their jobs and who are responsible for correcting the situation, protecting the child(ren) being bullied and guiding the 'offending party' to more appropriate and socially acceptable ways of being and doing.

Edited June 15, 2010 by Ronni_W

[samsungxoxo]

'Abusive' is defined as: "(being) characterized by physical or psychological maltreatment" [WordNetWeb.princeton.edu], and also as: "Improper treatment or usage" [WikiPedia.org].

So, yes, yelling loud enough to cause crying and fear in a child certainly qualifies as abusive, esp. if that is being done to control or show 'power over'. It's not a question of "who else did what else?" Each adult is responsible for her or his own self-management and behaviour, regardless of what the next person is or is not doing.

Thank you for the insight. As for now, the parents are separated and I heard the child is seeing school counselor. I'm not going to get involve in this as it's really the parents' job to set an example to their kids. If not, then oh well the kid will grow up one day and seek help if needed.

[samsungxoxo]

Do you know what kind of things he yelled at her?

Nope.. I don't. One time while all of us were in a family reunion, the mother as well as her mother (my aunt) used to talk about what type of ill-tempered was the girl's father. He was a yeller every time he would either be stress-out or had an argument with the mother. The girl would be running towards her mother or grandmother in tears.

[Major]

Yelling is definitely abuse. I think it can be more destructive than hitting. Especially if derogatory things are said to a person. Whether it's a man, woman, or child. When someone truly loves another person, what a person says is taken to heart. Especially with children. Many adults have dysfunctional views of who they are and who others are, based on how they have been shaped by emotional and verbal abuse, not to mention physical abuse. I think verbal abuse is far reaching and more permanent than physical because the physical can only last so long (depending on severity). However, verbal and emotional abuse shapes the psyche of a person and the effects extend beyond the moment because the person internalizes what was said and it stays in their mental rolodex "sort of speak".

Edited June 19, 2010 by Major