My Best Friends Soon to be Ex-Wife

[HelplessMidwest]

Well, well well, where do I begin. Make it short i guess. My best friend and his wife have seperated and he moved 5 states away. Now I would have never acted on any of my feelings while they were together and would never have hoped for them to be apart from eachother. So I was NOT the culprit of their breakup. Plus who knows they may still get back together.

Here is the dilema, I've had a crush on her ever since I met her, (Thru him) but ofcourse being the good friend that i am, knew that this was just a hopless waste of time due to them being the happiest couple out of all my married friends. Plus they have a 2 year old son. And I figured my "Crush" would go away.

 

So, they decided to call it off he'd move back home and she'd stay with thier son, and theyre gonna joint custody meeting half way to give him up. I tried to get my Best Friend to stay, even offered to help him out. Hell, I hated to see him leave, ya know!

 

Now were down to like 3 days till liftoff for him to leave for home, and I am specifically given details to her cheating on him. I was devestated cause I felt like that was wrong on her part.. Plus I was in a Catch22 I had to tell my best friend, plus i was hurt due to the fact that i have hoped for something to possibly fly between her and I, She has Denied everything, and quite honestly her husband and I both dont quite know what to think. I've never seen her so angry. But doubt remains.

 

Well now its been a month since He moved, and I've stayed in contact with him but feel like im going behind his back. I've asked his "wife" out on a casual date for my birthday, and if she can find a sitter were gonna go out. I plan on telling her everything that i feel for her. But i dont want her to tell him and have that explode all three of our relationships. He's never been anything but honest, as far as marriage is concerened. So has she. And I have never in the slightest way flirted subconciously or conciously with her, Infact I always tired to stay out of their way. I still feel like im in the wrong for feeing this way even while they were married. But I dont care anymore I figure He's already looking for women back at home cause he's told me but i dont care to inform her of this, untill later maybe. I just think that she deserves someone to spoil her and be there for her whenever she needs it.

 

I dont know what to think or do, plus what if she was cheating on him in the first place. Then not only do I have the BestFriend pissed off her not really recipicating the fact, and the "New" Boyfriend angry, but I'm left with a broken heart on my birthday. What should i do, I've never been really outspoken with my past relationships and have kind of taken a break from the scene for the last 2 years. This is the first time i've ever felt like Opportunity Knocks and I should not this opportunity pass me by. I think Im gonna Go for it. If i dont, I may never get a chance at this again... Being how she is the only one i've thought about for the last 3 years. I think its time she knows how i feel, and she should respect the fact that I never tried to come between them while they were married. What should i do?

[Darkangelism]

I don't think it is wise to date your friend's ex wife so soon, if she dates a few guys in between it may be ok, but it could ruin your friendship, and friends are more important then any crush, you can also meet another girl.

[HelplessMidwest]

I think your absolutley right about the too soon issures, but even when i was dating other people i knew she was not happy and she has kind of flirted with me in the past but i just blew them off as her personality, I have butterflies in my stomach all day long just thinking about her, and my best friend not being here, and the thought of feeling like im going behind his back. But she also gave me a hug the other day no kissing or nothing. Totally platonic, but she seemed miserable, and unhappy. I told her i want to talk to her and suggested my Birthday being a good opportunity for us to get together, and she even said if we cant go out that i should come over! Im hopless, I hate being a shy person and i've made a decision that im gonna go for it (its my b-day) and atleast if I do, I'll find out how she truly feels. May make us better friends for that to atleast be out and in the open.

[reservoirdog1]

I think you're asking for trouble, one way or another. At best you'll likely mess up your friendship with your best friend, whether it works out between you and his ex or not. He may tell you that he's OK with it but, more than likely, he actually won't be.

 

And, even if you don't... you know that she probably cheated on him during the marriage. For all you know, she cheated more than once. And if that's the case, what's to stop her from doing the same thing to you?

 

Consider yourself warned, dude.

[lboogie]

Well let me start by saying this from what it sounds, you already have in mind what you are going to do. From the reply that you made to the other person's opinion.

 

The only that I can say is think twice about it, because you will definitely be opening up a can of worms and basically it boils down to if you can handle them or not.

 

Matter of fact I have a girlfriend that was just in a similar situation...she had a real good friend of hers that was involved with this guy and they had a child together. Well the friend and the guy didn't continue to see eachother after a while. Well my girlfriend decided that she liked the guy and he liked her so she became involved with the guy and she lost a really good friend over that. Now the guy has left her and she doesn't have that good friend that she once had, so basically she lost both way.

 

Do whatever you feel is right but just think about all the pros and cons that will come along with it.

[jmargel]

You have to follow whats in your heart. You need to take things SLOWWWWWWWWWWWW with her. Don't gush out all your feelings to her like that at once. It'll be WAY too much for her to handle. She needs someone to talk to & be there for her. She's just now getting out of a marriage, give some time to let things calm down. Go out & do things with her and if its meant to be it'll happen naturally. If you want to scare her off then tell her how much you love her, etc.. I'm sure that'll get her running very fast.

 

These things take time, and no you aren't back stabbing your friend if what you said is true. The cheating part I would be concerned about. Over time once she reveals to you that she did cheat & why, then you know she might be ready for something more. Don't bring that situation up right now. Just try & have a good time and NOT RUSH THINGS!

 

Trust me, if you want this to work, post here about how much you love & want her.. But don't do that to her. She'll think you are insane.

 

Let us know how it goes.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Now were down to like 3 days till liftoff for him to leave for home, and I am specifically given details to her cheating on him. I was devestated cause I felt like that was wrong on her part.. Plus I was in a Catch22 I had to tell my best friend, plus i was hurt due to the fact that i have hoped for something to possibly fly between her and I, She has Denied everything, and quite honestly her husband and I both dont quite know what to think. I've never seen her so angry. But doubt remains.

 

Does she know you it was 'you' who told her husband that she was cheating? If so, I'm surprised she would even consider a friendship with you regardless of whether the information you received was accurate or not!

 

I apologize if I misunderstood your post.

 

Sounds to me that your loyalties have been wavering all along. Perhaps its just more convenient for you to shift sides now that your best friend has been somewhat removed from picture. Even if she does agree to start dating you, I'd be worried it would result in a short-lived "rebound" relationship on her part. In the end, you could end up losing both friends.

 

I'm with the others on this one. If it were me, I wouldn't cross that line. At least not when it comes to 'friends.' Particularly given this scenario!

[Benedict]

This situation stinks, man. And YOU can still get out of it! You referred to this guy not as a friend, but as your best friend. That is worth considering in all of this.

 

The thing that bothers me about this is that you have two good friends - one of them your "best friend" - and they are in a really bad place and hurting. Trust me, I've been there; I know. But you are thinking olny of yourself and what YOU can get out of this. Man, that just ain't right! Don't sell out your best friend. Believe me, no matter what face you want to put on it, HE will feel sold out. And even if it works out that you and the soon to be ex get together, eventually she will look back and come to the conclusion that you swooped in when she was feeling low and vulnerable. And then she'll drop you like a bad habit... or worse.

[HelplessMidwest]

Thanks for the responses guys and gals, To clear up some confusion yes she knows that it was me that revealed to him about her cheating, but she has denied it all the way. Also she and I are friends too, its not like i want to mess that up. I dont think I'm gonna tell her everything, I take everyone's opinions seriously, i've just been caught up in the moment. I've just always been one of the nice guy types that never speaks up or says what he means till its too late. Plus I absolutely do not want to be rebound in that way. I just want her to know that im there for her whenever she needs someone to talk too. Someone that doesnt even know us told us very detailed info about the cheating part, but the source was never revealed, nor the person she "cheated" with.

 

Well, just got off the phone, she's been calling me to make sure that things are still on and were gonna go to Texas Roadhouse to eat. Too much of a public place to drop those sorts of feelings on the first date. Plus i bet she ends up telling Her Ex that we went out. I'll let ya peeps know, but the damn butterflies need to stop.

 

P.S. I also dont feel like im trying to get the best of her at her lowest low, Im not that kind of a person either. Thats what stinks about the whole situation, is what others think of it, usually stops everyone's emotions instead of telling people what they really think.

[lostforwords]

Dood it sounds to me like your full intentions was to tell your best friend about her so they would keep thier split permanent thus freeing her so you can have a go with her..... however it backed fire and your going to see if you can have a chance of getting your foot in the door..... IMO.... your not a best friend at all, you should have approached her and told her you knew what she was doing but give her the option of telling her husband instead of you. Your wanting to basicly climb into bed with her while its still warm from him.... and im figuratively speaking.... i really dont know if you two have slept with eachother yet.

[HelplessMidwest]

Thats not at all the case, Im torn between telling him i'm even going to dinner with her. There never was nor has since been anything to suggest she did cheat on him is that clear. It was all hearsay. I've watch them go from the happiest couple to the unhappiest. He has had health problems didnt want to stay here has no body but a few friends and her and thier son. All his family lives way out of state and they mutually broke up.

 

Im not trying to crawl into the warmspot on his side of the bed, If i end up in " her Pants" as everyone in here seems to think then so be it. But that wont happen on a first date cause i wont let it. Im to shy to even probably bring anything up to her. The reason i told him in the first place was because the people that told me "DIDNT want to get involved even though they Said enough" and i felt as HIS Best friend i better ask him. So i did this was only the second time i had asked him anything about it. I ASKed him if he thought she was cheating, then told him was i was told, AND I DONT WANT TO START anything. People Guys and Girls alike need friendship so be it if its with my best friends EX.

 

I think that a lot of people in here are viewing this as im TRYING to get one over on her and im not. I have a hard time expressing how i truley feel to anyone. And this is the reason why. People are always quick to be negative, about all situations. My dad has known all of us, he even said he thinks it stinks, but that I shouldnt let my feelings for either one of them interfere with moving on with my life. And when she's ready she'll move on with hers, and he'll move on with his. Its just that we were all such good friends that this sucks, and i hate to see anyone in pain.

 

Plus my feelings are burning with confliction as to how to handle these eggshells im trying to carry across this mine field.

[lostforwords]

OK... somrwhere in your original post i misread something...... so you say you do have the very best intentions at heart.... and you will be going thru with your own feelings first and foremost.... My very good friend started dating my exhubby.... and at the time... reassured me she would never be or get involved between him and I whether it be about kids etc.... at some point she felt it neccessary that she had to.... now we dont even look at eachother because of this.... hard feelings??? oh god very much so.... i felt then and still do now betrayed. Even though she had good intentions of helping him move along with his life.... unfortunately, now him and I are both battling our true feelings because he is in a relationship that he feels not only obligation as well his not wanting to hurt her. he is feeling pulled from both sides.... so i did the best thing anyone could do and that was to remain absolutely amicable to him and carry on as if there is nothing. its not that i want to, i have to. before you decide to persue your feelings.... think further down the road..... and honestly do you think its fair to yourself that if a marraige that has split wont have a chance of reconciling? I swore up and down to my friends at the time i would NEVER get back with him, ever, now after everything is said and done... i regret it somewhat. good luck

[Iamhappy]

Good God!! How do you sleep at night?!!!

 

The level of self-deception here is unbelievable.

 

I am in complete agreement with lostforwords. You are no friend to this man.

 

You remind me of Brutus - making nice with Caesar, plotting to destroy him behind his back, betraying him and then the knife.... It's not enough that you stuck it in your friend's back, but you have to give it a good twist too?!!

 

I like the part where you pretend to be concerned about other people's feelings and what they might think. That made me laugh out loud. Self-centeredness disguised as a concern for others always makes me laugh out loud.

 

You are not fooling anyone but yourself. You want to be with this woman so badly that you helped move the soap opera along. In the world of theater, that's called deus-ex-machina. Here, that's just you being a d**k.

 

You claim that you hate to see anyone in pain, but I'm thinking you just hate to see yourself in pain. If you had any sort of respect at all for your so-called best friend and this woman, you'd give them time to sort themselves out.

 

That burning you're feeling...try a cold shower.

[HelplessMidwest]

I guess everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but you all seem REALLY hurt emotionally yet here i sit the one that hasn't had any emotional ties for about 2 years yet everyone seems to be experts. Anyone take into account that 2 people may just not work together either. Jesus people I ask for advice and get a kick in the arse. And the Brutus comment and the "pretending to be a friend" comment. I guess theres just details of the 3 years that we have all three known each other that None of you know and would take to much time to really go into. But when people are unhappy and have been for quite some time, don't you think that going separate routes may be the best for both party's.

 

And as for me, yes ME DA M IT the self -centered s*** that I am. She and I had a great time tonight that only lasted 2 hours 1 hour waiting to be seated. Never brought up anything about the past few weeks except to apologize for not bringing the "cheating issues" up to her attention first, instead of my BEST FRIENDS. And you can say what you all want he is my best friend even if things seem otherwise in your eyes. I would still on the drop of a hat go drive to get him if he needed it, and yes in due time he will be informed of how i feel about his ex, And that i went out with her. Then went on to discuss some political issues, and talked about our jobs. Our other friends, movies. Then we had a shot of alchohol and called it a night. I went home she went home. No Kiss, no attempt, just a friendly hug. And the knowledge that atleast were still friends.

 

I think that if i had told her my feelings things would have been totally ackward, and i may have lost her as a friend. And my best friend and I probably will still have a sh 1 t storm of and argument, but what can i say. He's told me that he's looking for women, going out all the time.

 

So my date ended actually better than expected. I didnt think she'd show, I figured that I wouldnt be able to talk with all the emotions i've been having lately. But i pulled it together and the night was very soothing to my soul.

 

Later Peeps

 

Thanks again for the "Advice"

 

PS.

If you cant be self-centered on your birthday when can ya be.....

Is a self centered person the type to give you the shirt of thier back......

 

Go ponder

[Fritz]

Regardless of whether or not your intentions were good/noble or "pulling a et tu Brute?", I think as others have said it would be wise to take things very slow or not at all. Its just too soon and I doubt your best friend would be very happy about it. As well, perhaps your not being on the market for two years has clouded your judgement?

[Darkangelism]

You posted, so don't complain about what we tell you. If you pursue something now, don't be surprised if your best friend isnt your friend anymore.

[lboogie]

Hey like I said before it seems that you didn't want advice in the first place, your mind was made up all along.

 

I can only guess that you expected for someone to understand your point or view and thoughts about the situation, but being on the outside looking in...it's not at all like that. Personally I feel it's easier to see the "BIG PICTURE".

 

Now let me say this much that's your bestfriend now, but if anything happens with his ex. that will no longer be your friend to worry about him being your bestfriend.

 

I am so glad you date went well as you would say, but hey you have to make your own bed and sleep in it.

 

Good Luck! remember one thing, what it done in the dark always comes to light.

[amerikajin]

My advice? Stay the hell out of this. I would agree with lostforwords: you've already done quite enough.

 

If you're still reading this, I hope you have the audacity to respond to this one question: you said you were given details about an affair (which she denies).....where's your proof?

 

It really does sound to me as though you have told your best friend about an affair not having any degree of certainty as to whether it happened or not (unless of course it happened with you). It also seems as though you did that with the express purpose of creating friction between them, leading to marital troubles. I'm not saying their marriage was great (it probably wasn't), but without actual photos or other hard evidence of an affair, what business is it of yours to get involved in the private affairs of their marriage.

 

>>>Anyone take into account that 2 people may just not work together either. Jesus people I ask for advice and get a kick in the arse.<<<

 

Yes, and did you ever take into account that their marriage is none of your damn business? Did you ever consider that maybe the "details" of her affair weren't true? Did you ever consider that going behind your friend's back and hooking up with his wife is about the worst thing you could do to a best friend? You know, I find your little morality play odd. You were acting on your conscience and doing your duty to tell him about his wife's "affair" - something you probably can't prove (again, unless it was you)....yet you haven't the guts to tell him that the first guy she's going out to lunch with after him is YOU!

 

Stop lying to yourself, cause you sure as hell aren't fooling any of us.

[HelplessMidwest]

**

[HelplessMidwest]

Um the proof that I was given as to this Affair and the people that told me were contacted in person by me and my bestfriend, we went right up to the person that told me and asked them to give up thier source. They would not, they would just give the details that they were given being WHILE BOTH OF US WERE GONE on Vacation since we went together with their son mind you she had the house to herself. And that people including her parents had caught her.....now why would someone that you dont even know that well, just aquainted with start something like that AND HAVE THAT detailed of knowledge. They told us how to catch her, where to catch her, ... as for causing friction, YOU think I was gonna be able to sit on that knowledge WITHOUT Telling my best friend regardless, I Am his friend.

 

See this is what im talking about when someone is almost sitting here not knowing what to do or how to act or how to feel because of the OBVIOUS MORALITY PLAY that im TRYING here. You cant Imagine that I would be truly conflicting over this issue even having these feelings for her? If I WAS A jack A s s then i would have told her everything instead i think im gonna wait till the time is right for all parties... But as to keep flaming me about it shows Your ignorance on the subject at hand. YOUR not in the situation, and Your not gonna have all the details that we have about EVERYTHING cause quite frankly it isnt posible to know everything. Im not Lying to anyone, everyting in here is exactly how feel. Im not gonna be the reason they DONT get back together nor was I the reason they EVER SPLIT.

 

Why does everyone in here suspect that I "May" have already had an affair with this person, Because guys and girls are friends, they cant go out for Lunch. I've taken his wife out before on numerous occasions. We were all great friends, and it wouldnt have been anything to go out to eat with her. ITS JUST FOOD People, its not soylant green. Nor is it out of the ordinary, I used to meet them or her or him all the time for lunch.

 

As for getting involved how do you NOT get involved when you work with your bestfriend and theyre quitting theyre job to move home. I mean everything snowballed over the course of about 2 weeks where the last week they were splitt living separatley till he moved. He was moving on the same day regardless of whether she was cheating or not. Before He even knew about it. And THE FIRST Day he told me that things werent going so good i asked him LIKE ANYONE of you would have done, If he thought she was cheating and left it at that, I asked Him again the day i was told differently, and then ASKED him again, hey do you think.....?.....NO was his answer, atleast at first then he said, he didnt think she was. SO then and only then did i tell him. And it wasnt motivated for my own regard, I wouldnt even talk to her, I was hurt yes but it wasnt that i cared for her at that point it was that she would "Lie" about it even after he had possibly busted her......trust me the names of the people and everything Matched up, except that she was NARCed on to begin with.

 

Guess I'll stop lying to myself, and the forumn members....because thats what Im all about is being a Lier, I think some of you are lying to yourselves, trying to ridicule others, giving advice that makes you feel like a know it all. Well you knew everything, you could tell me how this is gonna end up, and then save me some heartache over the whole matter. Why is it so hard to believe that I do Genuinely feel guilty about the whole situation.? If i didnt feel guilty, I wouldnt even be here typing and sitting at home, I'd be out PhuKing everything under the sun and with our without a heartbeat, or atleast alchohol for blood.. But Im not. Instead Im trying to just keep the friendship that i had intact with both of them.. NO Im not gonna say anything to her more than i have already. To try and not be a dick to either of them. And yes I will tell him about his wife and my obssession someday. Dont know when, and who's gonna make that choice. ME not you or anyone else in here.

 

Guess nice guys fall flat on their faces and get stepped on crapped on and spit on by everyone that thinks theyre right or the ways things are supposed to be dont fit THEYRE Frames of mind

 

 

THought this would help me out, atleast to discuss this with someone that had had a similiar situation, in which it worked. I guess i was un-prepared for the onslaught of people ready to fry me at the stake

[lostforwords]

Well you knew everything, you could tell me how this is gonna end up, and then save me some heartache over the whole matter.

 

Ok.... how about this.... well considering shes cheated on her hubby she just may cheat on you. Considering her hubby regards you as a "best friend" and you him as well, maybe you shouldnt be offering your "shirt" and maybe you should do them both a favor and give them time to figure out what they need to do. Ofcourse they will see other people, whats to say 3 months down the road they both decide "Jees We still love eachother and know what its like to be with other people but want our family back" then your gonna post on here "Help she left me to go back with her exhubby." Your trying to justify your needs and wants of lusting after her and wanting to be with her by bringing up what hes doing has absolutely nothing to do with what your wanting to do. And Im wanting to also add that your loose term of "best friends" is a further tactic to imply you have his best intentions, when the only best intentions you have is to make yourself happy. Most likely because its still fresh, she was thinking of him the whole time, which is common, whether she has shown distance or not.

[amerikajin]

Okay, okay...that last post explains things a bit, and I apologize for making certain implications. The way you had characterized it initially, it just seemed as though you were out to snake her all along. I back away from that, having a better appraisal of the situation now.

 

I still think it's a terrible idea to get involved with her, though. Your best friend won't understand it at all. You're the last person he wants dating her, especially since he'll always be involved with his kids. Think about how messy you're going to make things if he has to see you - his best friend - living with the mother of his children. It's just an insane idea. The best way to help them both is to let them sort it out between themselves and to be supportive.

 

You shouldn't be faulted for having the feelings that you have, but you should definitely be faulted if you fail to control your impulses and act on them without giving care as to what happens to the people around you. I'm sorry, but this is just a bad idea. As tough as it is, move on and wait for something better, less complicated.

 

Peace, and good luck.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Better yet, Helpless...

 

Why not just pick up the phone and ask your best friend how he would feel about you dating his ex-wife, rather than seeking the opinions of anonymous strangers? Particular if you're not happy with the responses you've received so far.

 

Certainly, you would get a more direct opinion of the situation from him. But I have a feeling you already know what your friend's reaction might be, which is why you've been trying to avoiding him.

 

Be a man. Don't try slipping into the back door unnoticed. Ask you friend for his blessings so you can relieve yourself of all that anxiety.

[HelplessMidwest]

Decided to move this post to a new Topic since Things are smoothing out here

 

 

Go to the other post about decidng not to do anything best

[havNfun]

original poster,

you are a worm. Amazing how you so unconvincingly try to make yourself come across as so honest and innocent. Just the mere fact that you have been secretly thinking about and entertaining these thoughts of your "friend's" wife makes you A) NOT A FRIEND and B) MORALY RESPONSIBLE FOR COVETING her for so long even though you knew it was wrong. It doesn't make it right now just because the guy left: reason? BECAUSE you had the same feelings way before. Thoughts, feelings, these are volitions. Thought is its own type of action.

 

You give me the impression of being a parasite, smarmy, wimp who not only can't interest a normal, single, honestly pursued woman,

you must take the slime route of going after his. I don't care if they got separated or not. It is betrayal. Your perspective and tactics are cowardly and devoid of any good character.