I never in a million years thought I'd be starting a thread like this.

[Hot Carl]

But nothing that's pressing. I can wait a long time to get it, which I might need to do (right now, I couldn't bare to see him again).

 

Don't wait, Star. Do it now while the wound is open. Give him all his stuff and take all of yours. If you wait until after healing has started, you'll have to deal with the pain of re-opening. "No contact" means none now and no plans to in the future.

[Star Gazer]

Don't wait, Star. Do it now while the wound is open. Give him all his stuff and take all of yours. If you wait until after healing has started, you'll have to deal with the pain of re-opening. "No contact" means none now and no plans to in the future.

 

I don't have any of his stuff. He was never ever at my apartment. I moved my life into his.

 

I just can't bare to go over there again right now. I really can't.

[Star Gazer]

Bingo! He had a case of the willies!! Boohoo. :sick:

 

What does that mean?

[CLC2008]

What does that mean?

 

It means he had a case of the heebeejeebees.

[sweetjasmine]

Oh no, SG, I'm so sorry.

 

I don't think he does.

 

There were several times where he'd been drinking in the past 6 weeks, and he'd be super mushy towards me, with all the marriage/forever talk. I expressed that I didn't think he had the ability to lie like that when buzzed/drunk, and he agreed. But he equated it to saying, "I love you, man!" I don't get it.

 

He said that he'd just been going with the flow, in a "non-relationship", and that he could just continue going along with the flow, and maybe even being happy, but ultimately realized that he didn't want to just go along with the flow... he didn't want to walk on eggshells around me anymore.

 

I don't get it, either. If he was going with the flow, why did he keep talking about marriage, your wedding, what to name your first son, etc.? That doesn't make any sense. That's not walking around on eggshells. Even if he felt pressured, why would he keep talking about it? If you're being pressured to do something and you're not comfortable with it, you don't bring it up all the time and talk about how great it would be.

 

Do you think he really was going with the flow and just leading you on? It doesn't really sound like it from what you wrote. It kind of sounds like a justification he made up after the fact. And if he was just 'going with the flow', it was very cruel of him to keep talking about your future and have you officially move in with him.

[Hot Carl]

I don't have any of his stuff. He was never ever at my apartment. I moved my life into his.

 

I just can't bare to go over there again right now. I really can't.

 

"bear"... I can't bear to go there...

 

Find a way to get the ties all severed, Star. Send someone to do it if it's too difficult for you. Don't leave this part there to live in the back of your mind. It's really for the best.

[Leia]

I'm terribly sorry to hear about the break up BUT absolutely thrilled that you're handling it very well.

 

I think you should get back into making jewellery ... I need new ones!

[Star Gazer]

It means he had a case of the heebeejeebees.

 

Great, I gave him the heebeejeebees? I prefer to think he just found me to be a royal biotch.

 

Do you think he really was going with the flow and just leading you on? It doesn't really sound like it from what you wrote.

 

Nothing sounds like him at this point. I'm just as confused by this as everyone else. Trying to explain what happened to my friends and my mom is even more difficult...

[norajane]

I'm so very sorry, Star. I know this must hurt terribly, and feel so confusing.

 

 

But...that's what's KILLING me! It took THIS for me to wakeup to what the eff I was doing!!! Why couldn't I have recognized that I was going downhill sooner? Before the last straw hit his back??

 

Honestly, this is just... so hard.

 

On this, I agree with HC and sb. He wasn't the right man for you, because all of what you described is actually very normal and nothing that couldn't have been improved with honesty and communication. HC is right - this guy couldn't go the distance, and that's why he bailed.

 

And that's why he's not right for you. There would have been other straws, any straws, if it hadn't been the ones he said. It's not the straws. A man who wants and can go the distance wouldn't let straws pile up, and wouldn't want to lose you so easily. A man who wants and can do the distance would have done something, anything, to try to work things out instead of just giving up.

 

I'll bet this isn't the first time he's done this, and it won't be the last. He's not as introspective as you. Of course he's impressed at your ability to acknowledge the straws he threw out there for you - because he can't do the same. He could never write a 5 page letter acknowledging his issues and behaviors that create problems in his relationships.

 

You're a strong woman, and you will heal from this and be stronger. But don't feel you messed up the best relationship ever. You didn't mess it up - as sb said, it takes two to tango and you shouldn't absolve him of his responsibility in this. And you didn't mess up the best relationship ever. You just lost yourself in the best relationship you'd had SO FAR. There is better to come with a better, stronger man.

[Lovelybird]

Star you literally answered your questions, I am seeing you in a different light now, good job.

 

Your boyfriend sounds like a "nice guy", who fear to hurt you with little confrontations, fear to say no to little things until he cannot take it and walk out on you. It is ironic how they don't see the hurt of walking away much more painful than little confrontations. But actually this kind of people are many. It is their issues, not yours. You already see your own that you lost part of yourself in the relationship.

 

He has the responsibility to let you know his true feelings just as you have responsibility to keep true to yourself and not losing her in the process.

 

You will have better relationship according your posts here.

[CLC2008]

Great, I gave him the heebeejeebees? I prefer to think he just found me to be a royal biotch.

 

No, don't be silly.

 

If that's true, my cousin's boyfriend would have suffocated her with a pillow by now. Maybe he will one day, who knows.

 

But I digress.

 

You two moved rather quickly, and had your entire future mapped out in a matter of months. He hasn't really had the opportunity to digest any of it, since the course of your relationship was at full speed ahead from day one. When reality got closer, he had doubts. Maybe those doubts consist of whether or not you are the right woman for him. Maybe those doubts consist of whether or not he is the right man, for YOU.

 

You don't know, at least not right now. So, let the dust settle and try to focus on taking care of YOU.

 

[Art_Critic]

Find a way to get the ties all severed, Star. Send someone to do it if it's too difficult for you. Don't leave this part there to live in the back of your mind. It's really for the best.

 

The multi colored dog seems to really know his stuff..

 

He is right SG.. send a friend of yours to get your law books and exchange the rest of the stuff..

 

I had a GF one time that when we broke up stole a toolbox of mine on purpose so she had a reason to get back in touch down the road..

I didn't know it was her till 3 months later when she called up and said it was at her house..

 

I certainly didn't need her in my life at that point anymore and really it was a bit much..

[sb129]

 

And that's why he's not right for you. There would have been other straws, any straws, if it hadn't been the ones he said. It's not the straws. A man who wants and can go the distance wouldn't let straws pile up, and wouldn't want to lose you so easily. A man who wants and can do the distance would have done something, anything, to try to work things out instead of just giving up.

 

And you didn't mess up the best relationship ever. You just lost yourself in the best relationship you'd had SO FAR. There is better to come with a better, stronger man.

 

Agree with NJ here- esp with the bolded part.

 

The more I think about it, the more I think that your ex has quite a bit to answer for, and he has several faults of his own.

I think giving up was the easy way out for him- at some point in most LTRs things can get rocky, and bailing out at the first sign of unhappiness is by far and away the easiest way out- because then you don't have to look in the mirror to see your own part in things.

 

You have (sadly) been forced to look in the mirror, but that can only be a good thing IMO.

[Star Gazer]

Your boyfriend sounds like a "nice guy", who fear to hurt you with little confrontations, fear to say no to little things until he cannot take it and walk out on you. It is ironic how they don't see the hurt of walking away much more painful than little confrontations.

 

He said that he didn't raise the issue(s) or really try to make me understand how he was feeling because he didn't want me to "bite his head off," and argue with him. He said he just chose to walk on eggshells and "go with the flow," because it was easier to do that. He basically said that if he ever tried to raise an issue, I turned it around on him. I have no recollection of him ever raising ANY issue, and I really, really picked my battles with him, so I'm really confused about what he means by this.

[Star Gazer]

A man who wants and can go the distance wouldn't let straws pile up, and wouldn't want to lose you so easily. A man who wants and can do the distance would have done something, anything, to try to work things out instead of just giving up.

 

That's what hurts so badly right now... he let me go so easily. He literally just gave up. He says he tried, with the few, "you need to be nice to me" comments. But really, he just let me go. Just like that. And he's so calm about it. It's like he's just not phased. He says it sucks, but he'll be okay. Granted, I know I will be too, but it's like he just doesn't care.

 

Makes me wonder if he ever really did.

 

What a fool I was, on so many levels......

[sb129]

I would also like to commend you for starting this thread SG.

 

That took guts.

[sb129]

That's what hurts so badly right now... he let me go so easily. He literally just gave up. He says he tried, with the few, "you need to be nice to me" comments. But really, he just let me go. Just like that. And he's so calm about it. It's like he's just not phased. He says it sucks, but he'll be okay. Granted, I know I will be too, but it's like he just doesn't care.

 

Thats not necessarily YOUR fault SG.

 

Its the way HE is.

 

Maybe he just isn't a fighter like you are.

[CLC2008]

Men are from blah and women are from blee.

 

[Star Gazer]

Its the way HE is.

 

Maybe he just isn't a fighter like you are.

 

I'm watching Jerry McGuire, when he shows up at her doorstep, upset because he didn't have her to share his big day with: "I miss my wife."

 

He'd never do that, I don't think... I, on the other hand, would have been the one saying, "You complete me."

 

Ugh.

 

And now my iPhone is like corrupted or something, it had to be manually restored. I lost ALL of my contact information and photos.

[Star Gazer]

Thats not necessarily YOUR fault SG.

 

That he doesn't care? Maybe, maybe not... doesn't make it hurt any less.

[DenverBachelor]

First of all, sorry for your loss.

 

That being said, when I went through the break-up last year during October, I sincerely thought my life was at an end. I had given this woman everything I knew how to give, yet when she broke up with me I felt that I had not given enough or something she needed. I blamed myself 100% for the break-up.

 

If losing her, her family and mutual friends wasn't enough, I had a restraining order placed in my hands for things I didn't do nor would I ever do. It is quite interesting to be in a position where the carpet is pulled beneath your feet while feeling the sky pours above you.

 

Over half a year later, I've come to terms with the mistakes I made during the relationship while also understanding what she contributed to the break-up. It is never one-sided. No relationship that fails is ever one-sided. However, one of the most fundamental things I picked up from the experience was how important it is to communicate and not hold back lies. I lived quite a few lies during my time with her (drug use, passive-aggressiveness towards her quirks, etc.) There would be a long laundry list of things but in the end, I realized that we were both unhappy. When I say "end," I mean months after the relationship ended.

 

I do believe in God and I do believe that life exists to give us experiences to better understand ourselves, the universe, love and what it means to lose. One of the hardest things I've had to understand in my life is the purpose of lose and why we have to deal with it. I've lost great women, great pets, family, grandmothers and grandfathers -- that's the ****tiest thing about getting older.

 

It's a real kick in the ass to realize that, had I known then what I know now, the relationship could have lasted longer. But that doesn't excuse her mistakes and it doesn't excuse her decision to end it. Everyone seems to have some tolerance to the struggles in a relationship and eventually some threshold is reached where one person in the relationship chooses to "let go." Now whether in the big scheme of things that decision is right or wrong, we'll all never know -- but what we do know is that when someone calls it quits, that love goes South and everything changes.

 

We all want the same things and we all want love and we'd like to think that something special could last for eternity with someone else -- but in the end, this life walk really is a solo event where people come into our lives and eventually leave in some fashion or another. However, we always come back home to ourselves and then we have to sort out the lessons, trials and tribulations of the long-winded experiences we shared with another and reflect on them in solitude. And yeah, it's damn hard to say, "Goodbye, it's been fun!"

 

But in the end, you can only carry the hatred for so long. Coming to peace with their decision is something we have to do and although acknowledging that it is over is the most amazingly difficult thing we can do, it isn't really a decision on our part -- we must do it.

 

The only thing I can tell you is that nobody is immune to that sort of pain -- being human means having to experience the greatest loss we'll ever experience. You go to bed with someone for years and one day you wake up alone. It absolutely sucks on a scale of magnitude so above and beyond anything else but it happens to us all.

 

You'll have to rediscover who you were before the relationship and integrate the lessons (and there will be some really hard realizations as you do this) of the relationship that failed. However, and I'd like to make this my main point before finishing up this post -- the failure of the relationship isn't a reflection of failure on your behalf. There were some lessons you needed to learn from this and it will be a long path until you absorb all of them. But I can guarantee you that some day, in the far future, you'll look back at the relationship and smile and say, "hey you know what? I learned something really amazing about myself. I shared something really special with this person. And nothing, not time, death or anything else in this world can erase that from the universal collection of experiences.

 

Nothing lasts forever but it doesn't really have to because, in my honest opinion, everything is one great big circle that does come back to every point at some time. Hopefully the next time we reach those points, we'll be a little wiser and a little more appreciative of the experience and not take any one second for granted that we shared with another person.

[Lovelybird]

He said that he didn't raise the issue(s) or really try to make me understand how he was feeling because he didn't want me to "bite his head off," and argue with him. He said he just chose to walk on eggshells and "go with the flow," because it was easier to do that. He basically said that if he ever tried to raise an issue, I turned it around on him. I have no recollection of him ever raising ANY issue, and I really, really picked my battles with him, so I'm really confused about what he means by this.

I have no idea what he meant by saying that, but I guess he isn't being honest with you. He stored up little resentments and didn't let you know about them. Some things can be trivial, such as where to eat.....some things can be major, such as when to marry. Not saying you were pressing him, but if he is a typical "nice" guy, he would guess or sense what you would like him to do, then do it ignoring what he really wants (because this is the only way he thinks would work for a relationship), then blame you for it. He may assume it is your fault for not knowing how he is unhappy, but all the time it is his responsibility to let you know his boundaires. He needs lot of growing to do in order to have a good mature relationship. and if I am in your situation, I think one thing I can improve about myself is to pay more attention to lover's needs, and balance that with mine, even so, I cannot be a mind reader.

 

Some people just aren't good at communication and being vulnerable. It is very difficult for them to open up and fear being hurt if they do. Being said that, it is still their responsibility to learn how to do so.

[SarahRose]

Awww sweetie, my heart breaks for you. Please don't put the blame on yourself. He is a grown up and he should have been a little less cowardly and a little more honest about things.

[melodymatters]

Ahhhh, Sh*T....Star....I just read this thread straight through and my heart goes out to you !!!

 

 

Half the people in this world are bat sh*t crazy and THEY manage to have relationships so don't even think of carrying this cross alone. Something about him always read false and I think you were so ready to love and trust that you imbued him with strength that never existed.

 

I too commend you for making this post and please know that you have my friendship and admiration through this terrible time.

[norajane]

I'm watching Jerry McGuire, when he shows up at her doorstep, upset because he didn't have her to share his big day with: "I miss my wife."

 

He'd never do that, I don't think... I, on the other hand, would have been the one saying, "You complete me."

 

Ugh.

 

And now my iPhone is like corrupted or something, it had to be manually restored. I lost ALL of my contact information and photos.

 

Alright, word of advice...stay AWAY from romantic comedies, romance movies, romantic songs for at least a month, if not more. Action adventure, and mystery. Takes your mind off things and doesn't make you cry.