I never in a million years thought I'd be starting a thread like this.

[norajane]

Ahhhh, Sh*T....Star....I just read this thread straight through and my heart goes out to you !!!

 

 

Half the people in this world are bat sh*t crazy and THEY manage to have relationships so don't even think of carrying this cross alone. Something about him always read false and I think you were so ready to love and trust that you imbued him with strength that never existed.

 

I too commend you for making this post and please know that you have my friendship and admiration through this terrible time.

 

Complete agree - you do not have to be "perfect" and behave "perfectly" to have a good relationship.

 

And completely agree this thread took a lot of guts and introspection, and I can't say enough how much I admire you for that.

[Toki]

It's always a bit like swallowing glass, it's going to hurt no matter what anyone says.

[JamesM]

SG, I am sorry for all the pain and confusion that you are going through. It is not easy. You wrote out your feelings so expressively that I felt all of your pain, frustration, and even resignation in your post.

 

I also admire and commend you for your candidness. It was not easy, I am sure.

 

You and I may have disagreed on threads here on LS, but I have always felt that this was the one as did you.

 

And I do not want to give you a false hope, but it still may be.

 

You have discovered something that many people do not discover until they are married and many times unhappily too late. You became someone other than yourself in this relationship and if things continued that way, then you would have woken up one day wondering what happened.

 

As difficult as it sounds now, this may turn out to be for the best. And when you "find yourself" again, you may actually become attractive to Skiman or someone who will appreciate you for being you. Changing for someone as you know intellectually doesn't usually lead to personal happiness. The best person for us is the one who causes us to be more of our own person and such a person does not "require" us to conform to what their standards are but loves us for what we already are.

 

Perhaps as we are typing this, Skiman is having that same realization. Perhaps you became what he saw as a "no longer fun" because inside unbeknownst to yourself, your unhappiness was coming out.

 

Again, I truly am sorry for this pain you are having. Breakups are never easy, but when we have set our hearts to the future and made many plans, then such a breakup is devastating.

 

Hang in there. You always have your LS "family."

[Star Gazer]

I just got back from my second run for the day... another 5K, just like that. BAM! And my time was decent too. I haven't run in months, I don't know where this energy is coming from.

 

Oh, and I did it on the treadmill in the gym (a pretty fancy one) at my apartment complex. There are a few baseball players who live here, one in my particular building. He was in the gym when I was in there. He started laughing as I started belting out Lesley Roy's "Going, Going, Gone" and Pink's "So What?" as I ran. Those are some damn good running tunes.

 

I feel manic.

[Star Gazer]

Alright, word of advice...stay AWAY from romantic comedies, romance movies, romantic songs for at least a month, if not more. Action adventure, and mystery. Takes your mind off things and doesn't make you cry.

 

I know, I know... it's just that I don't have cable right yet, and I can't find my iPod speakers, so I have been putting in DVD after DVD just to have some background noise (didn't want to be trapped with my own thoughts for over a week!). But I purposefully haven't chosen any where it's like a fairytale (Notebook, for example). Now I'm watching The American President.

[Star Gazer]

Ahhhh, Sh*T....Star....I just read this thread straight through and my heart goes out to you !!!

 

 

Half the people in this world are bat sh*t crazy and THEY manage to have relationships so don't even think of carrying this cross alone. Something about him always read false and I think you were so ready to love and trust that you imbued him with strength that never existed.

 

I too commend you for making this post and please know that you have my friendship and admiration through this terrible time.

 

Thanks, Mel.

 

See, thing is... yes, there are people who are bat sh*t crazy, and unattractive, and unintelligent, and they manage to have happy relationships. And then there's me. Kinda makes me laugh, actually!

 

What do you mean that "something about him always read false"?

[AlwaysConflicted]

It's amazing how often these breakups blindside us. It's not your fault that you could see the hidden signs. Guys fall into that sinkhole all the time. My girlfriend broke up with me a month ago because I failed to see hidden signs. Sure she mentioned stuff every now and again, but it was always with a smile and done in a jokingly way. How the crap was I supposed to know she was being serious if she was smiling through the whole process?

 

Anyways, don't take all the blame here. He just kept it all in and exploded after it became too much. A super common occurrence for us men. We can't always express our feelings too well.

 

From what you've written, I'm guessing he might be out of the picture for a while, months probably. Maybe you'll rekindle. He needs time to think, freak out that he made right/wrong decision, date a few wrong girls.

 

You seem mature about it all which is nice. Although, it may hit you harder in the next few weeks. Kinda of like the quiet before the storm.

 

Relationships are so darn hard. If he would have sat you down and said, "Honey, you really hurt my feelings sometimes and I've been unhappy" You would have totally tried to fix it. That's happen to all of us. If my girlfriend said that, I would have fixed the issue ASAP. I can't read minds and neither can you. We have enough drama in our lives, now we need to be detectives? F- that.

 

I feel for you. I'm around the same age and I know what that marriage pressure feels like. All my buddies are married. I barely have friends I can hang out with anymore since they all do "couple" activities.

 

It happens to all of us. Although I always feel more pain for those of us 30+. When you're in your teens and early 20's everything feels so emotional, but it's a different feeling in your 30's. It's more serious or so I think.

 

Best of luck.

[Star Gazer]

SG, I am sorry for all the pain and confusion that you are going through. It is not easy. You wrote out your feelings so expressively that I felt all of your pain, frustration, and even resignation in your post.

 

I also admire and commend you for your candidness. It was not easy, I am sure.

 

It wasn't easy, it was very scary. I'm still scared to read the responses. I suspect there will be some mean spirited, smug and snarky ones that pop up eventually.

 

You became someone other than yourself in this relationship and if things continued that way, then you would have woken up one day wondering what happened.

 

That already happened, actually. I didn't change FOR him, I just...let myself go. And more than just in the stereotypical sense (weight gain), but who I was at my very core... a very fun, vibrant, busy gal who prioritized her friendships and activities as much as she did her romantic relationship. Somewhere along the line, I started waking up and thinking, "I don't feel like myself, I don't feel like myself." Sometimes I felt like I was living outside of myself... watching me live a life with Skiman, and watching the life I let go of go on without me. It made me very, very sad... and resentful of him. Then I took out my resentment, and my stress from other things (work, finances, etc.), on him.

 

We each had our resentments. I was the only one expressing them, albeit in an unhealthy way.

 

I can have balance. I will make it so. I do hope someday that balance includes him, but if it doesn't, I'll be okay. But I'll still have regrets.

 

Hang in there. You always have your LS "family."

 

Y'all have been so amazing... Not to discount any of you, but those who I've chatted with privately have been especially amazing.

[westrock]

Sorry to hear about your pain.

 

He was not able to articulate any particular instances or give you any specifics of his unhappiness because he probably does not have any direct instances other than just a vague feeling of unease. The reason for this is that these feelings of unease are actually from his past. As we become more emotionally involved with someone, especially when there is talk of marriage, it unexpectedly stirs up our past unresolved issues.

 

As the talk of marriage started to become more serious and frequent, it sounds like he started to panic. He probably felt the pressure and did not know how to deal with it or communicate his concerns with you and the pressure just got too much for him and he over reacted thinking breaking up was the only option. This situation triggers the fight or flight response in people. Some people deal with this type of situation by turning towards their partner and communicating their concerns (eg. fight for the relationship). Unfortunately, some people over react and flee (flight response) not realizing there is another option. Nobody is perfect and everyone handles situations in different ways.

 

In situations like this, I always see two options, try to work out the issues, or move on. What would you like to happen?

[pandagirl]

Oh man, WTH?! I'm so sorry, SG.

 

After reading what you've wrote, this guy handled his emotions really poorly. Really, not very emotionally intelligent, is he? Unbeknownst to you, he was collecting a debt of grievances against you... without ever telling you! Does that makes sense in a relationship between two adults? Um... no. Can you imagine living a lifetime with that? Or raising children?

 

I think it's great that you've recognized you lost yourself in the relationship. It's something we've all been guilty of, but not necessarily aware of until it's too late. You'll be fine... great even.

 

Don't blame yourself for this. In the great scheme of things, the relationship issues he was harboring were solvable. But he didn't have the courage or ability or mind to talk to you about them. Instead, he kept on dropping hints about proposing. What kind of person can do that?

[Ariadne]

I just got back from my second run for the day... another 5K, just like that. BAM! I feel manic.

 

Sorry about what happened SG. But I think it's "great" that you are exercising and having this approach to forget all this misery.

 

AWAY from romance movies, romantic songs... doesn't make you cry.

 

Yeah.. and put fun songs when exercising. Something that will lift the spirit and forget the sadness, especially in the evenings.

[Star Gazer]

It's amazing how often these breakups blindside us. It's not your fault that you could see the hidden signs. Guys fall into that sinkhole all the time. My girlfriend broke up with me a month ago because I failed to see hidden signs. Sure she mentioned stuff every now and again, but it was always with a smile and done in a jokingly way. How the crap was I supposed to know she was being serious if she was smiling through the whole process?

 

EXACTLY! We have all of these little inside jokes. If I was sassing him (sarcastically), he'd say, "Don't make me beat you!" and raise the back of his hand. A TOTAL JOKE, I never thought for a split second he was mad enough to beat me, you know? LOL And another little joke we had was where we'd say, "Don't be mean! Be nice!" and we do it in a totally cutesy way. Say I grab his butt too hard, or he starts tickling me, or tries to hug me when he's all sweaty from the gym and I've literally just showered... we'd say, "Don't be mean, be nice!" and it would often end with a kiss! Like seriously, HTF am I supposed to put two-and-two together there?

 

Relationships are so darn hard. If he would have sat you down and said, "Honey, you really hurt my feelings sometimes and I've been unhappy" You would have totally tried to fix it. That's happen to all of us. If my girlfriend said that, I would have fixed the issue ASAP. I can't read minds and neither can you. We have enough drama in our lives, now we need to be detectives?

 

That's ALL I would have EVER asked for. I told him this, and he *kinda* acknowledged that he should have done that, but he said that on a few occasions he sternly said, "Star, you really need to be nicer to me." He did say that, but I didn't understand him to be that serious. Again, he said it in response to something not serious, and he also said it in the car. Not like sitting me down to talk about our relationship, but more like happenstance to a specific thing I said. For example, "Babe, can you please slow down? You're going WAY too fast." "No, I'm not Star..." "Yes, you are..." "Star, you really need to be nicer to me." Huh? I mean, okay...maybe I shouldn't have picked on his driving that day, but are those sorts of comments really supposed to clue me in that he's unhappy with me in general, that he is so unhappy he wants out?

 

I feel for you. I'm around the same age and I know what that marriage pressure feels like. All my buddies are married. I barely have friends I can hang out with anymore since they all do "couple" activities.

 

It happens to all of us. Although I always feel more pain for those of us 30+. When you're in your teens and early 20's everything feels so emotional, but it's a different feeling in your 30's. It's more serious or so I think.

 

I put the pressure on myself, and I think he does too. I'm not accepting all blame for him feeling marriage pressure... some of it was definitely circumstantial, and his twin brother getting married, and another couple friend of ours getting engaged, all last month, probably didn't help things.

[Ariadne]

Oh,

 

And it seems like when things got serious he got the cold feet.

 

It all happened when you officially moved in and that scared him.

 

Sorry about that, I know you had a lot of expectations with this.

[Citizen Erased]

Don't worry Star, anyone gets snarky with you on here you will have A LOT of people to back you up. Myself included. Its admirable of you to post this, everything you have done since last weekend is. One classy lady you are.

[Leia]

Don't worry Star, anyone gets snarky with you on here you will have A LOT of people to back you up. Myself included. Its admirable of you to post this, everything you have done since last weekend is. One classy lady you are.

 

I'm with CE!

[Star Gazer]

After reading what you've wrote, this guy handled his emotions really poorly. Really, not very emotionally intelligent, is he? Unbeknownst to you, he was collecting a debt of grievances against you... without ever telling you! Does that makes sense in a relationship between two adults? Um... no. Can you imagine living a lifetime with that? Or raising children?

 

Two of my close girlfriends are days from giving birth, both are single, with baby daddies who are arseholes in their own way. I helped one set up her nursery yesterday, and as we were talking about her baby daddy's arsehole-ness, I kept thinking... "Jeezus, Skiman would never pull the hijinks these guys are, but what if Skiman had dumped me out of the blue when I was pregnant and my hormones were making me snappy?"

 

I really hope he learns from this experience too, particularly if we have any chance of reconciliation. He's gotta learn to TALK TO ME.

 

I even said that during the breakup, actually. I said, "I pray to G-d that no matter what happens between us, that you learn to COMMUNICATE with whomever you're with, because no relationship can survive without it."

 

In the great scheme of things, the relationship issues he was harboring were solvable. But he didn't have the courage or ability or mind to talk to you about them. Instead, he kept on dropping hints about proposing.

 

Yup. That's it right there. Or at least hints about happily ever after... I mean, really... NO CLUE. I was CERTAIN of our future together.

[Star Gazer]

Oh,

 

And it seems like when things got serious he got the cold feet.

 

It all happened when you officially moved in and that scared him.

 

Sorry about that, I know you had a lot of expectations with this.

 

Well, I hadn't "officially" moved in yet. He pulled the plug just before that.

 

I wouldn't say I had expectations. I just wanted to be with him. I wanted a future with him. And I thought that would be, based on what he told me. And I thought that future would include a proposal, etc., because of what he told me.

 

But I will acknowledge that I'm sure he felt some pressure from ME based on miscommunication we seem to have had about whether I'd move in, and what that would mean. I think he thought his options were that I moved in officially and got engaged, or we were going to be over... Those weren't his two options, but we never really discussed that.

[Ariadne]

"I pray to G-d that no matter what happens between us, that you learn to COMMUNICATE with whomever you're with, because no relationship can survive without it."

 

I think what happened was that after New Year's he realized that things were not going to work out long term..

 

And "that" he didn't tell you and went with the flow. I think that's what he meant.

 

I'm not sure about the marriage talks, but I think that when you are in a wedding or being romantic those things can surge.

 

Then of course, when he had to really commit he couldn't do it.

[Ariadne]

I just wanted to be with him. I wanted a future with him. And I thought that would be, based on what he told me. And I thought that future would include a proposal, etc., because of what he told me.

 

Yeah, that sucks.

 

I have to say I'm pretty shocked. I thought you had a good thing going, and the guy seemed ok.

[Star Gazer]

I think what happened was that after New Year's he realized that things were not going to work out long term...

 

Not quite, I don't think. That's when we started planning our Kauai trip. Instead, I think that's when he started going, "Where did Star go? She seems...different. Not as pleasant to be around. Hmm... We'll see..."

 

And he was right. I recall around that time being pretty unhappy, but it was mainly work stress. I think we both thought it was temporary, but then it just evolved into the real me just being...gone.

[Ariadne]

She seems...different. Not as pleasant to be around. Hmm... We'll see..." And he was right. I recall around that time being pretty unhappy, but it was mainly work stress.

 

When things get stressful you tend to react with the people closer to you. I know that I'm not as patient with my son when I have a lot going on.

 

Don't blame yourself for this. I don't think you could have done any better because you are a nice person, intelligent, and very beautiful.

 

Maybe he just wants to stay single also.

[Star Gazer]

When things get stressful you tend to react with the people closer to you. I know that I'm not as patient with my son when I have a lot going on.

 

Yup, you're SO right. That's another reason why I thought he'd always be there. I thought he was my support system. But he kinda... just... bailed.

[Ariadne]

See, thing is... yes, there are people who are bat sh*t crazy, and unattractive, and unintelligent, and they manage to have happy relationships. And then there's me. Kinda makes me laugh, actually!

 

Top for me was when I saw this woman that only had a torso and arms. No legs. So she's moved around on a skateboard..

 

Well, "she" had a loving husband that adored her and two healthy beautiful children.

 

I give up.

[Star Gazer]

Top for me was when I saw this woman that only had a torso and arms. No legs. So she's moved around on a skateboard..

 

Well, "she" had a loving husband that adored her and two healthy beautiful children.

 

I give up.

 

But, but... if SHE can do it, so can we! Right? Right...??

[Star Gazer]

Don't worry Star, anyone gets snarky with you on here you will have A LOT of people to back you up. Myself included. Its admirable of you to post this, everything you have done since last weekend is. One classy lady you are.

 

I'm with CE!

 

Thanks chickies!