I never in a million years thought I'd be starting a thread like this.

[Ariadne]

Yup, you're SO right. That's another reason why I thought he'd always be there. I thought he was my support system. But he kinda... just... bailed.

 

Nah, I think that he just clashed with your personality and didn't feel at ease anymore.

 

It was more than being snappy one day.

[sb129]

That he doesn't care? Maybe, maybe not... doesn't make it hurt any less.

 

No- that he hides his emotions so well it appears that he doesn't care.

[Ariadne]

But, but... if SHE can do it, so can we! Right? Right...??

 

Well, that's what I thought when I saw the program a few years ago.

 

But hey, at least you know that love is blind, or beauty can be found everywhere.

[Star Gazer]

No- that he hides his emotions so well it appears that he doesn't care.

 

I kinda, really don't think he does. I wish you could have seen the difference between last Sunday and yesterday. It was like night and day. Like that all he needed was 6 days, and he was already over it. Not an ounce of sadness. Just more of a, "Yeah, sucks. But it is what it is," attitude.

 

It breaks my heart to think he could just give up that easily...

 

...but in reality, he checked out a LONG time ago. He just never fought for us. It's as though he didn't care enough about the relationship to make sure that I was understanding what was happening...

[sb129]

...but in reality, he checked out a LONG time ago. He just never fought for us. It's as though he didn't care enough about the relationship to make sure that I was understanding what was happening...

 

That in itself makes me lose respect for him.

 

Because he should have respected you enough to let you know how he was feeling a long time ago.

[Ariadne]

...but in reality, he checked out a LONG time ago. He just never fought for us. It's as though he didn't care enough about the relationship to make sure that I was understanding what was happening...

 

To be fair...

 

He wouldn't have asked you to move in with him if he didn't think it could work out.

 

He probably had the doubt, especially with the nice trips, etc.

[Star Gazer]

Because he should have respected you enough to let you know how he was feeling a long time ago.

 

Agreed. But I don't think he knew how... I really don't. In his mind, any effort to bring it up would be met with anger, snapping, etc. He took the path of least resistance, thinking it would be easier, maybe even better for our relationship.

 

He didn't know better, just as I didn't. Now we do. It's up to both of us to see where we go from here...

[Ariadne]

To be fair...

 

He wouldn't have asked you to move in with him if he didn't think it could work out.

 

He probably had the doubt, especially with the nice trips, etc.

 

(But then again her lease was up so maybe he thought he had to).

[Els]

But...that's what's KILLING me! It took THIS for me to wakeup to what the eff I was doing!!! Why couldn't I have recognized that I was going downhill sooner? Before the last straw hit his back??

 

Honestly, this is just... so hard.

 

Star, you can't pin all of that on yourself. Sure, you made a mistake, and it's really great that you've realized that now and learnt something from it. But the key issue is, he didn't even bother to tell you! Someone who truly loved you and knew how to communicate would have sat you down and talked to you about that much sooner. Would you have watched your loved one do that for months, be unhappy for months, and not say anything other than a 'Be nice!'???

 

Please don't blame yourself for this. I think the major issue lay with him and not you. Had you not made this mistake, there are countless other mistakes that you might have made, that would have led to this same result.

[anne1707]

Star

 

I'm stunned - this is not the news I was expecting to hear from you. (((Hugs)))

 

As others have said, do not put all the blame on yourself. Even if you had "changed", not only should he have said something, he should not have been pressuring you in to doing "his thing" so much that there was no time for you.

 

I am not surprised at your ability to reflect on what has happened and to see where it was going wrong - learn from this (and not just about you but about what kind of man really deserves you) and enjoy being 100% you.

[SadandConfusedWA]

I think that you are being way to hard on yourself here. Some of the changes you talk about are completly normal in a LTR.

[hardtocope]

SG, almost the same thing happened to me recently, so I understand the shock, surprise, pain, gut-wrenching realization that this is really happening and it's over, etc. Mine was acting the same way with the same little comments and complaints and with my reactions. I too keep thinking back on all of the little things that happened, I think what could I have done differently? How could I have been so stupid to have lost this? But mine checked out from the relationship long ago also, I just didn't know it. What I don't understand is why didn't they either address the issues in a meaningful way if they cared instead of building of resentment and finally going nutso. Which tells me again, that they really checked out and stopped the love, the real love, a long time before for whatever reason.

[Star Gazer]

Even if you had "changed", not only should he have said something, he should not have been pressuring you in to doing "his thing" so much that there was no time for you.

 

I agree that he should have said something, BUT, to be fair, he never ever ever pressured me in to doing "his thing" so much. Never. And he never would have. I always had the option of keeping up my life (he did, he kept up on his things, that I don't do). I could have made time to do my things. It was totally my choice not to. I just....fell into him and his life.

 

I mean, it all started by me always going to see him, not him coming to see me. We're about 20 minutes apart. I had a roommate, he owned his own home. It just made sense and was more convenient (for both of us) for me to go to him. It started with one thing at a time: not going to one thing here, then another thing there, then not going to tennis coaching for another thing, then dropping that other thing, then not doing weekend charity work because of skiing, etc., etc. Each individual decision didn't seem like that big of a deal, but eventually it all snowballed...

[Star Gazer]

SG, almost the same thing happened to me recently, so I understand the shock, surprise, pain, gut-wrenching realization that this is really happening and it's over, etc. Mine was acting the same way with the same little comments and complaints and with my reactions.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting, it does suck.

 

But I have to say, our situations are very different. Your GF was pulling back, hanging out with other people, spending less time with you, she was fighting with you and she was picking on you. In my experience, that's classic withdrawal behavior, and a sign that the end is near.

 

I had none of that with my boyfriend. The only issue was that he thought I was picking on him, not the other way around. He didn't pull back, spend less time with me, or anything else. There was literally NOTHING about his behavior that made me anxious or wonder what was going on.

 

THAT's why it was so truly out of the blue for me.

[anne1707]

I agree that he should have said something, BUT, to be fair, he never ever ever pressured me in to doing "his thing" so much. Never.

 

 

True - you did not say that he had done that. I am just annoyed that he did not act as he should have. You're a strong woman Star but your LS friends are also keen to be in your corner on this one and fight your case with you.

[Star Gazer]

You're a strong woman Star but your LS friends are also keen to be in your corner on this one and fight your case with you.

 

I do appreciate that, really.

 

But I don't want to deflect responsibility. I'm owning my part in this.

 

Should he have communicated his feelings with me? Absolutely. Did he? Not so much. "You need to be nice to me!" in response to telling him to slow down (or something similar) wouldn't clue in MOST people that he's unhappy in general (with the relationship or the person).

 

I guess the question I'll never get answered is whether he even has the capacity to communicate the way he should have. The more and more I think about it, he really kept it all bottled up. And the only bottles he opened were wine and beer bottles.

[romer]

Sorry to hear about that.

 

I felt just like you three months ago...time does heal. No contact and keep yourself busy. It works. I'm nowhere near "totally over it" but I can get through the day without thinking about him constantly, and I don't feel ice shooting through my veins whenever I do think about him and it's getting easier every day.

 

Hang in there.

[anne1707]

I guess the question I'll never get answered is whether he even has the capacity to communicate the way he should have. The more and more I think about it, he really kept it all bottled up. And the only bottles he opened were wine and beer bottles.

 

 

This is what is so sad for him. He does not seem to be questioning his role in the break up of your relationship. He is just losing himself in a bottle.

 

At least you are recognising that you played a part in this and therefore you will grow and be stronger for it.

[shadowplay]

Il have to read the first post in full, but I just read the first paragraph. You know I have my own issues with you and some of your behavior on LS, but I am still very sorry to hear this. Having gone through something similar recently, I know how painful this is when it comes out of the blue. It's really like a shock to the system. Nobody deserves that, and no matter how many times it happens, it never gets any easier. I have to say that I sort of had a feeling something like this might happen with your bf, though. While your relationship sounded fine, I always thought it was a bit weird how hesitant he was with the marriage talk/plans. I guess it's hard to see that stuff objectively when you're all in. I know some of the stuff people on here warned me about totally flew over my head because I was so in love.

[Star Gazer]

I always thought it was a bit weird how hesitant he was with the marriage talk/plans.

 

What? You're totally wrong about this. Have you even been following my threads, AT ALL? For effs sake, he wasn't hesitant - he was putting it out there on a platter for me, promising me forever, even a proposal within 6 months.

 

Shadow, I'm warning you now... if your comments to me are in ANY way going to be tinged by your distaste for me, please... just stay away.

[shadowplay]

What? You're totally wrong about this. Have you even been following my threads, AT ALL? For effs sake, he wasn't hesitant - he was putting it out there on a platter for me, promising me forever, even a proposal within 6 months.

 

Shadow, I'm warning you now... if your comments to me are in ANY way going to be tinged by your distaste for me, please... just stay away.

 

As I said, I haven't read the full first post. I was going based on my memory of a thread you wrote awhile back about whether he'd finally propose.

 

Try not to get defensive. My comment wasn't meant to be at all malicious. It was genuine. I remember reading that thread and getting the sense that something seemed a bit off.

 

I don't see what's wrong with me remarking on that now. A few people said the same thing to me after my boyfriend broke up with me (that they had noticed something off), and I appreciated them reminding me of that. It makes you realize that sometimes you can't see a situation with objectivity when you're emotionally invested. But it also gives you hope that in the future you'll be more aware of subtle things you might have missed in the past.

 

Anyway, if you're going to try to pick a fight, I'm out of this thread. I was trying to give you some support and insight, but you're obviously not willing to take it. I suppose it was foolish for me to try, but it still seemed like the right thing to do.

[Star Gazer]

Anyway, if you're going to try to pick a fight, I'm out of this thread. I was trying to give you some support and insight, but you're obviously not willing to take it. I suppose it was foolish for me to try, but it still seemed like the right thing to do.

 

With this snarky nonsense, yes... just please stay out. Thanks.

[Treasa]

I'm a lurker much more than I'm a poster, but I've read a LOT of your threads, and I feel for you. My boyfriend of six years broke up with me completely out of the blue after I admittedly did something that made me look insecure and like I didn't trust him, but he also didn't actually discuss it with me. And in hindsight, it WASN'T THAT BIG OF A DEAL.

 

That was a month ago. I realized I also started to lose myself and started getting kind of snippy with him, and not being who he originally fell in love with. Someone who was confident and fun and happy. But he wasn't perfect either, and his lack of communication really made things difficult.

 

I don't know. It blindsided me so badly that I'm still struggling. I don't thin he even expected to break up with me. I sort of pressed him into making a decision because I became so needy.

 

You're doing so much better than I am. I've lost 23 pounds in the month since he broke up with me, and I'm barely functioning at work. I'm told that I'm so much stronger than I'm acting, and that I need to be more positive, but I'm hurting so badly.

 

Ok, and now I'm hijacking your thread. Probably because my thread about my breakup didn't go far due to someone saying something that upset me. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know I know how you're feeling, and you have my sympathy and good thoughts and wishes.

 

I hope this idiot realizes what he lost, and I hope you get the chance to either take him back or turn HIM down if he comes crawling back.

 

Let me know if you ever want to talk. We're similar in age and in some other things, although I didn't go to law school.

[Jilly Bean]

BTW, TB is freshly single. Maybe you kids can rekindle the magic! (JK, but, you could still wing for each other... )

[Star Gazer]

I'm a lurker much more than I'm a poster, but I've read a LOT of your threads, and I feel for you. My boyfriend of six years broke up with me completely out of the blue after I admittedly did something that made me look insecure and like I didn't trust him, but he also didn't actually discuss it with me. And in hindsight, it WASN'T THAT BIG OF A DEAL.

 

That was a month ago. I realized I also started to lose myself and started getting kind of snippy with him, and not being who he originally fell in love with. Someone who was confident and fun and happy. But he wasn't perfect either, and his lack of communication really made things difficult.

 

I don't know. It blindsided me so badly that I'm still struggling. I don't think he even expected to break up with me. I sort of pressed him into making a decision because I became so needy.

 

You're doing so much better than I am. I've lost 23 pounds in the month since he broke up with me, and I'm barely functioning at work. I'm told that I'm so much stronger than I'm acting, and that I need to be more positive, but I'm hurting so badly.

 

Ok, and now I'm hijacking your thread. Probably because my thread about my breakup didn't go far due to someone saying something that upset me. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know I know how you're feeling, and you have my sympathy and good thoughts and wishes.

 

I hope this idiot realizes what he lost, and I hope you get the chance to either take him back or turn HIM down if he comes crawling back.

 

Let me know if you ever want to talk. We're similar in age and in some other things, although I didn't go to law school.

 

Hi Treasa...

 

Don't worry about hijacking...we're experiencing the same thing, and it feels good to process these emotions with someone who's been in the same place.

 

How did you lose yourself? The more I think about all of this, the more I realize that I had started defining myself by my relationship. I was Skiman's Girlfriend. Then it turned into Skiman's Eventual Wife. I wasn't Star Gazer, Who Also Happens to Be Skiman's Girlfriend (the way it should be). Does that make sense?

 

But like your ex, my boyfriend wasn't perfect, and clearly didn't know how to communicate. I still can't get over the fact that he said I could expect a proposal within 6 months, and yet thinks I should have been aware of how unhappy he was. I mean, how do those compute?? Like you, I was and still feel blindsided.

 

I'm not sure I'm doing better than you are... I was a zombie at work last week; luckily they basically let me be one, so I could take care of myself. But this week, I just had to get back on the workhorse.

 

I have crying moments for sure, but for the most part I'm remarkably calm. My friends are all surprised at how well I'm handling this (and the conclusions I've reached in my OP, etc.), but THEY are a big reason why I'm not completely nonfunctioning... I don't know how I would have survived without their comfort.

 

And I also think I may still be in the thinking phase (problem-solver that I am), it that maybe it hasn't hit my heart yet. Actually, see, as I typed that, I choked up a little bit.

 

Physically, this was the first day I actually had an appetite. I lost 5 pounds last week, from not eating and having a racing heart.

 

My suggestion to you would be (1) seek out your friends, just be with them, doing whatever, to keep you busy, and (2) exercise.