I never in a million years thought I'd be starting a thread like this.

[Green]

BTW, TB is freshly single. Maybe you kids can rekindle the magic! (JK, but, you could still wing for each other... )

 

They should atleast have sex and let the perverts among us know about it

[Treasa]

That's my problem...I have one friend.

 

I guess I got so scared of him leaving me (his problem is that he broke up with me instead of communicating, so this is the fourth break up in six years) that I went from being positive and confident to being needy and always questioning him.

 

I guess I did give up my hobbies, too. I used to be a runner, but the LAST time he broke up with me he said I was neglecting him because I was spending all of my time exercising - which was true - so when we got back together I went in the complete OPPOSITE direction and stopped exercising. And put on a lot of weight that I had worked very hard to lose. *sigh*

 

At any rate, what I want back is my fitness. I want friends, but feel too insecure to make any, and want to be positive, but right now it's so hard because I'm so busted up over this breakup. Having anxiety problems sort of hinders things.

 

Geez, now I'm hijacking again. I just wanted to say I feel your pain and am sorry for what happened. And was hoping to make a friend, I guess.

[Star Gazer]

That's my problem...I have one friend.

 

I guess I got so scared of him leaving me (his problem is that he broke up with me instead of communicating, so this is the fourth break up in six years) that I went from being positive and confident to being needy and always questioning him.

 

I guess I did give up my hobbies, too. I used to be a runner, but the LAST time he broke up with me he said I was neglecting him because I was spending all of my time exercising - which was true - so when we got back together I went in the complete OPPOSITE direction and stopped exercising. And put on a lot of weight that I had worked very hard to lose. *sigh*

 

At any rate, what I want back is my fitness. I want friends, but feel too insecure to make any, and want to be positive, but right now it's so hard because I'm so busted up over this breakup. Having anxiety problems sort of hinders things.

 

Geez, now I'm hijacking again. I just wanted to say I feel your pain and am sorry for what happened. And was hoping to make a friend, I guess.

 

You can consider me a friend. Lord knows there's two LSers who have provided me just as much comfort as my RL friends.

 

My boyfriend never discouraged me from exercising; in fact, he encouraged it. But in my mind, I felt like he was criticizing me (for my weight gain), rather than encouraging me to do something I used to enjoy. But, what was confusing and frustrating for me was, that, if I was working out in the evening (in the exercise room he made for me [and I see now I took for granted ]), he'd come in and want to talk or hang out with me as I was working out and huffing and puffing. Over time, I took his behavior to mean, "I'd rather you been downstairs hanging out with me and making dinner/watching TV." So I just...stopped.

 

You want to get back into running, and make friends... Well, why not try to do both at the same time, and join a running club? Or a marathon training club (like Team in Training)? Or a woman's bootcamp class?

 

Feel free to PM me anytime.

[Treasa]

Well thank you. I was hoping you'd say that.

 

I actually am getting back into martial arts, and that's where some of my friends are, but I feel ashamed because they've all gone up in rank, so I feel too shy to engage them in hanging out right now. But I'm working on it. And once I get back into good enough shape to run, I'll start running again. Maybe 20 more pounds, or I'll kill my joints.

 

That's really messed up that you felt criticized for weight gain and yet criticized for exercising at the same time. That's HIS problem. That sounds like controlling behavior. Maybe he felt threatened by you being beautiful and in shape and thought he might lose you to someone else? But at the same time, wanted to "keep" you by subtly putting you down. I'm sure he didn't even do it consciously. Did he have self esteem issues?

[Star Gazer]

That's really messed up that you felt criticized for weight gain and yet criticized for exercising at the same time. That's HIS problem. That sounds like controlling behavior. Maybe he felt threatened by you being beautiful and in shape and thought he might lose you to someone else? But at the same time, wanted to "keep" you by subtly putting you down. I'm sure he didn't even do it consciously. Did he have self esteem issues?

 

Nah, you've really got it all wrong. I'm not trying to sound protective of him or defensive of him, but he was the farthest thing from controlling or threatened. He was really proud of me. My weight gain didn't bother him in the superficial/vain sense. If anything, I think he wanted me to be in better shape just so that I could keep up with him (running, skiing, and hiking high elevations). I wasn't an equal partner for him when I was out of shape. My size didn't matter; it was my fitness that was the issue.

[Treasa]

Ah, I see. People misunderstand my recent ex, too. You know him better than anyone.

 

I do agree with you that you gave up some of yourself and maybe elevated him a bit too much.

 

But you are very strong, and you are very brave. The insight you have is just a bonus to all your other gifts.

 

I'm glad you're focusing on yourself. I have a feeling he's going to be regretting his decision. I hope you keep us all updated.

 

Your running escapades are making me want to get back into shape so that I can get back into running. My longest distance ever was a half-marathon, but I used to do a lot of 5Ks. I loved those.

 

I think we need to reclaim our own strength and sense of who we really are.

[Steadfast]

Please forgive if I'm not up to speed here Star...I read your opening post and a few after that, then felt moved to comment. Correct me if you're in a different place now.

 

You do realize that blaming yourself or buying into his 'reasons' is a phase, right? It's one of the early ones, followed by a whole bunch more. It's an emotional tumble; the more you care, the harder and higher the waves.

 

Early in a relationship we all tend to put our best foot forward. Not too clingy, not too distant, cool, easygoing, hotter than hell and one heck of a good catch! But, eventually, we turn into what or who we really are. Mind you, there is nothing wrong with self-improvement, spotting our faults and weaknesses then doing what we must to correct them, but no matter how caring, wonderful, smart and sexy we make ourselves to be...we're still people. Our bodies sometimes make ugly noises, we get irritable, we have our moods and our dislikes. Everyone Star; you, me, everyone.

 

The difference between imitation and real love has to do with the reason and motivation behind every action. If the partner is more interested in what he can get than what he's giving -and vise versa- then it's imitation. Real love grows...real love is fed by trials and problems...real love seeks no independence. If he loved _you_ he'd be there. It's as simple as that.

 

Thus, you, and I, deserve better. You have demonstrated you're capable of true love, he (so far) has proven that his isn't. Maybe it'll be with someone else, maybe he'll never find it. Maybe he doesn't know how.

 

Just remember the words of Winston Churchill; "When going through hell, keep going!"

 

Be well-

[Treasa]

Early in a relationship we all tend to put our best foot forward. Not too clingy, not too distant, cool, easygoing, hotter than hell and one heck of a good catch! But, eventually, we turn into what or who we really are.

 

In my case, I became the opposite of who I really am and how I was raised to be.

 

Know what really kills me? I'm an intelligent, strong, confident, talented woman. Why did I ever give a guy this much power over me and my feelings? Why did I become needy and clingy and scared when deep down I know who I really am and what I deserve?

[TouchedByViolet]

Well, in the near future guys are going to have an awesome single lady on the market!

[Hot Carl]

Well, in the near future guys are going to have an awesome single lady on the market!

 

It's about time! This is great news! Who?

[Ariadne]

I'm remarkably calm..

My friends are all surprised

I may still be in the thinking phase

it hasn't hit my heart yet

 

But it will SG...

 

One day you are going to be driving your car and listen to your favorite song, or see some pictures from Hawaii, and you are going to be.. Skiiiiiman!!!!!

[CLC2008]

I think we also have to remember, that men and women love differently and at different speeds.

 

They say men fall in love faster, and I think they do, they say it's "fast and furious" for men. So, that might explain why he was so gung-ho with moving in together, getting married, etc., initially.

 

But, what is that based on really? That initial euphoria. Perhaps it is based on visual cues (a similar example is the "Fantasizing" thread in the General Relationships section). The euphoria subsides and then he starts evaluating the relationship, without the blinders on.

 

Perhaps for him to get to that final stage of real love, it's only when he is sure he is a happier with you in his life than not being with you.

 

Unfortunatly, he's going to have to determine that for himself Star, which is why it is SO important that you continue living your life on your own.

[txsilkysmoothe]

I'm so sorry that you're hurting. I admire your strength and determination to recapture your own life.

 

I do think you're being overly hard on yourself. Everyone deserves a chance to realize and correct their mistakes. He didn't give you that opportunity. It's disheartening to know that love is so fragile. It seems he become overwhelmed by the progression of the relationship. By talking to you, he could have slowed things down to his comfort level and everything would have been fine. Instead, he decided unilaterally that there was no solution and that the relationship had to end.

 

Again, my sympathy and support.

[northstar1]

I have to agree with SG that running is one of the best things to help navigate a breakup. I joined a running club after my last breakup which helped me ; get back in shape, get out and burn off stress each day, meet new people, and do a half marathon.

 

For anyone who is going through a breakup, I would highly suggest looking up the types of running groups in your city, it's truly a great community to join when you are going through a tough phase.

 

Anyways, not trying to get off topic, just something I read in an earlier post that I thought was helpful

[TwilightSky]

I suppose I can't really offer advice to someone about this (romantic relationships in general). But, I can sympathize. That really "sucks." I guess part of the trauma would be me asking the questions "what if the next person I get in a relationship with does the same thing?" "If he played the masquerade of happiness so convincingly, who's to say the next one won't?"

 

Sorry if you found this irrelevant, I can relate to the theme of trust (which you're probably dealing with now).

[whichwayisup]

It sucks that he didn't have communication skills to open up and talk to you when he felt things were changing. It sucks that he hurt you. It sucks that it seemed like he led you on, like everything was great, all the meanwhile he was feeling the opposite inside.

 

Sorry you're hurting. Big hugs SG!

 

His loss, remember that. He let go and gave up on you.

 

Find "you" again and be happy.

[shadowplay]

It sucks that he didn't have communication skills to open up and talk to you when he felt things were changing. It sucks that he hurt you. It sucks that it seemed like he led you on, like everything was great, all the meanwhile he was feeling the opposite inside.

Sorry you're hurting. Big hugs SG!

 

His loss, remember that. He let go and gave up on you.

 

Find "you" again and be happy.

 

It seems like a lot of men do this, sadly.

[Treasa]

Star, I just wanted to see how you're doing today. I'm doing better today. I'm going to be going outside soon to work on my current martial arts level and then I'm going for a walk.

 

I just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you, and I'm here if you want to talk about anything. I'm sending thoughts of strength your way.

[Star Gazer]

Star, I just wanted to see how you're doing today. I'm doing better today. I'm going to be going outside soon to work on my current martial arts level and then I'm going for a walk.

 

I just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you, and I'm here if you want to talk about anything. I'm sending thoughts of strength your way.

 

I'm doing better too. I'm meeting friends for dinner, and have made plans to attend my first Al-Anon meeting tomorrow (because yes, I think his drinking has played a very large role in all of this - it's really, truly, what I "picked on).

 

I went for another run yesterday too, but had to take today off - I think I pushed myself too hard, and should have eased into it.

 

Good vibes coming right back at ya!

[Jilly Bean]

have made plans to attend my first Al-Anon meeting tomorrow (because yes, I think his drinking has played a very large role in all of this - it's really, truly, what I "picked on).

 

Interesting, Star.

 

If I'm not mistaken, didn't the ex, or the ex-ex, also have a bit of a drinking problem? I seem to remember this. Might be the guy who moved away? Military or something? Or do I have this all wrong? lol

[Star Gazer]

Interesting, Star.

 

If I'm not mistaken, didn't the ex, or the ex-ex, also have a bit of a drinking problem? I seem to remember this. Might be the guy who moved away? Military or something? Or do I have this all wrong? lol

 

Not military guy (I barely remember him ever drinking anything, he was super-healthy-fit guy), but yes... Not really an ex, just a guy I dated for a couple weeks. His drinking problem was quite apparent and obvious from the get go (belligerent, mean, etc.).

[alphamale]

how ya doing SG? hanging in there?

[Jilly Bean]

Not military guy (I barely remember him ever drinking anything, he was super-healthy-fit guy), but yes... Not really an ex, just a guy I dated for a couple weeks. His drinking problem was quite apparent and obvious from the get go (belligerent, mean, etc.).

 

Was that shirt guy?

 

I apologize if I am ascribing details to men who don't deserve it. I just remember you doing another post-mortem and the drinking thing coming up.

 

I think it's great you're being so self-aware and taking ownership. It will mean none of this pain will be in vain...

[Star Gazer]

Was that shirt guy?

 

I apologize if I am ascribing details to men who don't deserve it. I just remember you doing another post-mortem and the drinking thing coming up.

 

I think it's great you're being so self-aware and taking ownership. It will mean none of this pain will be in vain...

 

No, totally different guy. He didn't really have a nickname.

 

Originally, I accepted full ownership. Admittedly, I can now see that it wasn't ALL my fault.

[Jilly Bean]

Originally, I accepted full ownership. Admittedly, I can now see that it wasn't ALL my fault.

 

Nope. Totally takes two.

 

But, the blame game is futile. What's important now is working on yourself, and how you can personally improve from the relationship/break-up. It's all just learning lessons on our quest to the ONE. He got you closer than ever before, so after all the work you're doing now, maybe the next one WILL be the ONE.