I never in a million years thought I'd be starting a thread like this.

[2sunny]

SG -

 

go to al-anon, it helps.

 

YOU cannot help him. he has an addiction that would never allow him to drink just one drink.. YOU cannot make this different for him - he needs to ADMIT to a problem first in order to do anything about it (which he's unwilling to do).

 

i totally get it. i drank a gallon of vodka every day - and no one ever knew i was drunk. my tolerance was so high - i operated at a "normal" level. got all my daily tasks done early and proceeded with my priority for the day - drink more, lay low, fly under the radar so no one notices how drunk i was.

 

i couldn't make it stop... there was no "cut back" button at that point... much less a stop button. i would shake too much without it so i had to constantly have more.

 

several days in the hospital and some sever physical problems forced detox on me. off to rehab right after when my family realized from the dr. what had been the cause of losing use of my left side. even then - i stood there saying "i'm fine." i had no sense of reality - no sense of how i could possibly stop. i had pushed away anyone who got between me and my drink. i was mean when i didn't intend to be.

 

i recovered. a ton of hard work, one day at a time. many days i didn't think i could do it at the beginning. my strength came from somewhere i didn't recognize at all. i haven't had a drink in almost 2-1/2 years. if i ever do - i am bound to be dead within a day. evidence shows me that clearly.

 

IF he drinks at all - you can do him no use. even IF he stops now - he has a long road to getting recovered.

 

you cannot help him or wish him well. he has to admit there's a problem (most can't or won't). then he needs to take action on what needs to be done in order to recover.

 

al-anon can help you understand what to do for YOU. you didn't cause it, you can't change it and you certainly can't cure it for him.

 

you need to take care of you. let him go. a normal drinker can have ONE drink and not even think of having another - this never looks this way with a problem drinker. from what you described - he is beyond that.

[Star Gazer]

you need to take care of you. let him go. a normal drinker can have ONE drink and not even think of having another - this never looks this way with a problem drinker. from what you described - he is beyond that.

 

I think I just need to be certain of this, that he is a problem drinker - whatever that means. What if he drinks every day, but only gets buzzed like once or twice a week? Does that... make it less of a problem? Maybe I'm exaggerating or not remembering correctly?

 

Or maybe it's just his biology that makes him appear intoxicated when he's really not? Because sometimes he'd only have 2-3 glasses of wine (that I'd observe, anyway), and he'd become visibly intoxicated, whereas his twin brother, or even myself at 75 pounds lighter, could have the same amount and appear dead sober.

 

The night before we broke up, his SIL said she had been watching him, and he seemed fine to her. But to me, he was clearly visibly intoxicated.

 

His friends and family will never know IF he has a problem, because he does it when he's home and mainly alone. His parents will NEVER know, because he'll have at most 2 glasses at dinner with them (and then go home, alone, and have more).

 

I can't help but feel like I'm just being uptight, and that I'm just judging him based on my own drinking (which is pretty light).

[2sunny]

I think I just need to be certain of this, that he is a problem drinker - whatever that means. What if he drinks every day, but only gets buzzed like once or twice a week? Does that... make it less of a problem? Maybe I'm exaggerating or not remembering correctly?

 

Or maybe it's just his biology that makes him appear intoxicated when he's really not? Because sometimes he'd only have 2-3 glasses of wine (that I'd observe, anyway), and he'd become visibly intoxicated, whereas his twin brother, or even myself at 75 pounds lighter, could have the same amount and appear dead sober.

 

The night before we broke up, his SIL said she had been watching him, and he seemed fine to her. But to me, he was clearly visibly intoxicated.

 

His friends and family will never know IF he has a problem, because he does it when he's home and mainly alone. His parents will NEVER know, because he'll have at most 2 glasses at dinner with them (and then go home, alone, and have more).

 

I can't help but feel like I'm just being uptight, and that I'm just judging him based on my own drinking (which is pretty light).

 

it can never be compared to a normal drinker. the craving in the problem drinker is what cannot be controlled at that point.

 

doesn't matter at this point what he is or isn't. what he's going to do or not do. that is for him to decide and act on - or not.

 

look SG - he did you a huge favor. to live with him would be a hellish life. he knows it - he lives it himself. he probably liked you enough to spare you the pain of what his drinking would cause to you. be grateful he broke up. it's never pretty... only full of pain and deception. the fact that he hides ot from loved ones is a HUGE red flag. when you noticed - he got rid of you. i bet he's done this before...

 

he's not the man you thought he could be. at least he spared you the pain. you will hear in al-anon things that make sense. it will help - have you gone yet?

[Star Gazer]

Thanks Sunny.

 

look SG - he did you a huge favor. to live with him would be a hellish life. he knows it - he lives it himself. he probably liked you enough to spare you the pain of what his drinking would cause to you. be grateful he broke up. it's never pretty... only full of pain and deception. the fact that he hides ot from loved ones is a HUGE red flag. when you noticed - he got rid of you. i bet he's done this before...

 

A couple weeks ago, when I came home to him trying to cook while intoxicated, it occurred to me that I was building a life with this man, and I was scared about what I envisioned for the future. I asked him, "When we have a little 2 year old toddler running around, are you still going to be like this? Am I going to have 2 children to take care of?" His response? "No, I won't be like this by then." In my mind, I was thinking it was just a PHASE. I was convinced that he was just going through a "funk" because his twin brother was getting married, and he was worried about how that would affect him and his relationship with his brother.

 

you will hear in al-anon things that make sense. it will help - have you gone yet?

 

I am doing a double whammy today. I'm going to see my therapist first (who I saw when I lost my dear grammy). I contacted her to deal with this "loss," because it came as just a big of a shock as that loss. Then about an hour later I'm going to the Al-Anon meeting (it says it's for newcomers). I suspect I'll be emotionally drained tonight...

[Star Gazer]

Can an alcoholic be physically fit? Like, run almost every day?

[2sunny]

Can an alcoholic be physically fit? Like, run almost every day?

 

yes, even though i drank that much every day - i walked with a friend 3 miles every morning. it justified in my mind that i was keeping up with being healthy. :lmao::lmao:

 

i was deceiving myself. it helped me to not admit i had a problem.

[2sunny]

Thanks Sunny.

 

 

 

A couple weeks ago, when I came home to him trying to cook while intoxicated, it occurred to me that I was building a life with this man, and I was scared about what I envisioned for the future. I asked him, "When we have a little 2 year old toddler running around, are you still going to be like this? Am I going to have 2 children to take care of?" His response? "No, I won't be like this by then." In my mind, I was thinking it was just a PHASE. I was convinced that he was just going through a "funk" because his twin brother was getting married, and he was worried about how that would affect him and his relationship with his brother.

 

 

I am doing a double whammy today. I'm going to see my therapist first (who I saw when I lost my dear grammy). I contacted her to deal with this "loss," because it came as just a big of a shock as that loss. Then about an hour later I'm going to the Al-Anon meeting (it says it's for newcomers). I suspect I'll be emotionally drained tonight...

 

this is good for you. explain to the therapist and ask for information about the disease.

 

also - participate in your al-anon meeting. tell them why you are there and what the problem seems to be for you. ask for input, there are there to be helpful to the newcomer. vow to go to several meetings for clarity for YOU.

[Treasa]

SG, I'm not doing so well today. But I did want to tell you that I'm thinking about you, and that I tried to keep up with the flurry of posts today (goodness, you're popular!), and I don't think you can or should blame yourself for his drinking. That is HIS fault and HE has to own it.

 

Just like I shouldn't blame myself for my ex's problems. It's really hard, though, because we were together for six years and I still really love him. But I don't want to hijack again.

 

I'm just very thankful that your confidence and self-esteem are so much better than mine. Trust me, you don't want to be where I am right now.

 

I agree with LB that I don't think you've heard the last from him, but the rest is up to you.

[jenifer1972]

I think I just need to be certain of this, that he is a problem drinker - whatever that means. What if he drinks every day, but only gets buzzed like once or twice a week? Does that... make it less of a problem? Maybe I'm exaggerating or not remembering correctly?

 

Or maybe it's just his biology that makes him appear intoxicated when he's really not? Because sometimes he'd only have 2-3 glasses of wine (that I'd observe, anyway), and he'd become visibly intoxicated, whereas his twin brother, or even myself at 75 pounds lighter, could have the same amount and appear dead sober.

 

The night before we broke up, his SIL said she had been watching him, and he seemed fine to her. But to me, he was clearly visibly intoxicated.

 

His friends and family will never know IF he has a problem, because he does it when he's home and mainly alone. His parents will NEVER know, because he'll have at most 2 glasses at dinner with them (and then go home, alone, and have more).

 

I can't help but feel like I'm just being uptight, and that I'm just judging him based on my own drinking (which is pretty light).

 

 

No. Drinking ALONE is a big red flag, as is drinking DAILY and getting DEFENSIVE when someone mentions they should cut down. All signs of alcohol dependency. Some people have more of a liver enzyme called alcohol dehydrogenase - it metabolizes alcohol. That is one reason why some people of similar weight can "hold" their alcohol better. Also, the more you drink, the more the liver upregulates this enzyme, which is why people can hold their alcohol better if they drink frequently.

[D-Lish]

Can an alcoholic be physically fit? Like, run almost every day?

 

I was star, as a woman- I worked out everyday and drank every night. I just didn't eat very much. I find that a lot of true alcoholics don't eat much.

 

Being as sober as I have been for the past 16 months, I have put on 20 lbs.

[curiousnycgirl]

So how was it all Star? Have you been to the Therapist and Al-Anon? Have you gained new insights?

 

and more importantly - how are YOU doing this evening?

[Art_Critic]

I think this guy is a heavy duty manipulator if you ask me....

 

Well LB.. that is part of the definition of an alcoholic...

 

If we weren't masters of manipulation we would live and die alone with our bottle.

We have a disease that tells us it's okay to drink and okay to continue our behavior in order to preserve the drink..

 

Remember what Step 1 is.. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

 

Step 1 is designed to begin to tear down the denial system....

[stillafool]

I'm so sorry for you Star Gazer. I didn't read this entire thread but I'll bet he broke up with you to continue drinking. My gf's husband left her because he was an alcoholic and she was on him about it for his health. He told her she was no longer any fun and left. I'm so sorry for you because you didn't see it coming.

[Star Gazer]

So how was it all Star? Have you been to the Therapist and Al-Anon? Have you gained new insights?

 

and more importantly - how are YOU doing this evening?

 

Yes, I went to both.

 

With my therapist, unfortunately I only got to listen to her for 10 minutes, because I spent the first 50 telling her about the relationship (start to finish) and what's been going on, at lightening speed. I was, of course, able to include more than I've shared here - just because I ramble in tangents and share little tidbits, etc. We also talked about his family, and some other instances ("what we have here, is a failure to communicate"). For now, she's reached a couple conclusions:

 

1. He is absolutely, without a doubt, an alcoholic, and that I cannot change that.

 

2. He is uncomfortable with conflict and sees it as an unnatural part of a relationship.

 

3. As a result, he lacks conflict resolution skills. And so, while she's sure thee are some things I could have better (whatever those things may be, we'll discuss that next week), he didn't have the skills, ability, capacity, to resolve any concern or conflict with me. And when I had a concern, he'd shut me out. I remember raising an issue with him last summer, and his response was, "Okay Star," and he totally shut me out. And when I said, "See, you can't just shut me out like that. We're a team, we need to work on this together, and find common ground," he said, "Whatever you want, Star." It was frustrating... and so if I had another issue, I just didn't raise it, because I knew I'd get shut down again. The only issue I continued to raise was the drinking...because it was the big elephant in the room that couldn't be ignored.

 

1, 2, and 3 may be related. His method of conflict resolution may be to literally drown them.

 

As for Al-Anon, it was good. Really good. I was surprised at the number of people who experienced feelings just like I have... 3 women, in particular, 2 of which had left their husbands and another who just broke up with her BF too.

[Star Gazer]

I did read the whole thread. You can't prohibit me from commenting on a public thread, since there's nothing uncivil about my remarks.

 

Well, your "remarks" don't appear as though you've read the entire thread at all.

 

Please don't comment anymore. I'm asking you politely. Stay away.

[Art_Critic]

As for Al-Anon, it was good. Really good.

 

It sounds like your getting back on track..

Going to see your T was a good call..

 

Keep on keeping on SG...

[curiousnycgirl]

I'm glad to read that - So you'll continue going to both?

 

And what are you doing purely for YOU?

[Leia]

Glad you're seeing your therapist

[Star Gazer]

I'm so sorry for you Star Gazer. I didn't read this entire thread but I'll bet he broke up with you to continue drinking. My gf's husband left her because he was an alcoholic and she was on him about it for his health. He told her she was no longer any fun and left. I'm so sorry for you because you didn't see it coming.

 

That's another comment he made to me.

 

Admittedly, I was much more fun in the drinking sense when we first got together and our dates were more social. But after the novelty wore off, and we settled into a real intimate relationship, I didn't feel the need to lubricate myself anymore.

 

The weirdest part of it all to me is that he has NO STRESS in his life. Even when we were the happiest clams on earth, I'd come home to an intoxicated boyfriend... one who acted like he'd had such a stressful day that he just HAD to relax with a glass of wine (or 4).

[Star Gazer]

I think you are upset because if anyone suggests that it may have actually had something to do with YOU that he broke up with you then it will hurt your self esteem...I completely understand that. Nobody wants to be dumped because their SO didn't love them or want to be with them.

 

Now you're just being mean. It's patently obvious. Is THAT how you treat people you counsel? Shameful. Please just leave this thread, LB.

 

And for the record, the first mile-long OP was allllllllllllllllllll about ME owning up to what I did wrong. Good job ignoring that. You're miles away from understanding anything resembling my situation.

[Leia]

Now you're just being mean. It's patently obvious. Is THAT how you treat people you counsel? Shameful. Please just leave this thread, LB.

 

And for the record, the first mile-long OP was allllllllllllllllllll about ME owning up to what I did wrong. Good job ignoring that. You're miles away from understanding anything resembling my situation.

 

Don't take this the wrong way but yeah, I was about to post that throughout this thread you owned up that you did wrong so I have no idea where LB got what she stated previously.

[Star Gazer]

I'm glad to read that - So you'll continue going to both?

 

And what are you doing purely for YOU?

 

Yes to both, because they seem to serve different purposes for me. Al-Anon was cathartic, and made me feel like I'm not alone in what I'm experiencing, whereas the therapist helped me understand what I'm experiencing.

 

Let's see... What am I doing for me? Seeing friends way more often (and I have a mini-vacay to see a BFF next weekend), running, redecorating my apartment, tennis, and lots of time watching what I want to on my DVR! Neener neener!

 

I'm very sad but I'm not like... defeated. If that makes sense.

[2sunny]

I don't know what that means...

 

I'm just going on what I see every single day. Maybe because I see alcoholics/addicts at their worst. Granted alcoholics do not display some of the hardcore manipulative behavior that addicts do, but they all lie and manipulate. That's just the reality of addiction.

 

LB -

 

may i ask? are you an alcoholic or an addict yourself?

 

if you are not - it's hard to explain to a normy how the disease affects most.

 

your recent comments make me think you aren't an alcoholic.

 

YES, they manipulate. yes they steal - most of all they steal other people's peace of mind. they steal time and emotions from the ones they love most. they can't participate in a relationship without focusing on when and how to get the drink. causing other's to believe they did something wrong - just as SG is thinking she may have done something to cause this - when, in fact, it likely had nothing to do with what she did or didn't do.

 

the fact is - he most likely just chose the alcohol over her. that is the NORM with an alcoholic.

 

hell, i stood there and chose alcohol over my own children - and i love them more than life itself... but i was active in my disease and wasn't thinking clearly at all - from drinking. i simply would have rather died than live without my drinking - i was too uncomfortable without the numbing effect it gave me. i lived to drink. it was my top priority except for my actions which were used to cover up the drinking. being sneaky and hiding is a major characteristic of excessive drinking. we must never allow others to actually find out the truth - for that would ruin the plan to continue drinking.

 

thank God i had a moment of clarity that i'll never understand - when they asked me to go get help.

 

if you don't understand this clearly i hope you will go to more AA meeting LB - for your job's sake and to gain a better understand of how twisted the mind can become when actively drinking too much. it is imperative for a job such as yours.

[Star Gazer]

Well, yeah it's 5:00 somewhere!

 

All kidding aside, he probably does have stress in his life but drinking relieves that..it's why he does it.

 

I don't know about that. He has lead quite a charmed life, from start to finish (well, start to present). The most stressful event of the past year for him was having to give his best man's speech.

 

2 weeks ago I was reading some article in a magazine about getting to know your mate even better by asking 4 simple questions. The first one it said to ask was, "What is the worst thing that's ever happened to you, and how did you handle it?" When I asked him that, he said that he's never had ANYTHING bad ever happen to him. In many ways, I think we struggled to relate because he just... had... no stress.

 

And I think that never having any stress, anything to deal with or handle or mourn or grieve, really did him a disservice.

[Star Gazer]

YES, they manipulate. yes they steal - most of all they steal other people's peace of mind. they steal time and emotions from the ones they love most. they can't participate in a relationship without focusing on when and how to get the drink. causing other's to believe they did something wrong - just as SG is thinking she may have done something to cause this - when, in fact, it likely had nothing to do with what she did or didn't do.

 

That really has struck a cord with me, Sunny.