I never in a million years thought I'd be starting a thread like this.

[2sunny]

Like I have said-I do not know the big book, I do not know all the steps..I don't use NA/AA in my counseling..I advise it and let them see for themselves.

 

You may like counselors who are really into those programs, a lot of those in recovery do. I am just not into them, my supervisor already knows that and doesn't think it effects my ability as a counselor, nor do I need to preach it. I advocate and advise to attend meetings but do not provide information on the premisis or anything else. [b]That's probably why you are getting the impression I don't know the steps or anything..because I basically don't. I don't need to for the work I do.[/b]

 

and this alone makes you terribly unqualified to work with those who are seeking recovery. you simply don't know what you're talking about.

 

it's obvious you don't have info about becoming recovered... so why work in this field. why post here and give out tons of false info? info that is purposely harmful - even after i've told you over and over?

 

why would you risk the lives of others seeking to get well knowing you are completely unqualified? that's irrational in any job!

[xpaperxcutx]

Wow, SG, I'm so sorry to hear about your breakup. I haven't noticed your thread until today when I signed on.

 

I agree with everyone that you're shouldering too much of the blame and guilt. Your ex shares half of the blame as much as he had shared half of the relationship.

 

Do take care and find yourself again. As much as I know you may have loved him, I think your ex did have some flaws in his character. But you can't change him unless he wanted to be changed.

 

As much as there is a lesson to learn here, I'm glad you looked within yourself to discover the things about yourself that you're happy/ unhappy with.

 

Take care okay?

[sb129]

Oh dear. What a shame that this thread has derailed.

Hope you managed to get some good support out of it SG.

 

Hope you are doing OK.

 

LB- with all due respect, can you please pull your head in?

[2sunny]

I don't need to know the steps word for word to be an addictions counselor..and

 

1) I haven't worked them or been through them so I really couldn't bring my own experience anyway. I don't really try..

 

2) I don't feel that effects my job or ability. I'm not purposely trying to harm anyone either. I will not say anything more about NA/AA if that is upsetting anyone.

 

3) You are just one of those narrow minded people in recovery who do not believe they can be helped by someone who has not been trhough it..that happens.

 

4) If not being in recovery REALLY DID disqualify someone to be an addictions counselor then a lot of us would be out of a job. Why did they hire me then if I'm SO disqualified? Doesn't make much sense to me...

 

you contradict your ability to help others in recovery at each turn.

 

1) if you haven't been through the process that is the recovery program - then how would you expect to help?

 

2) sure it affects your job. you just said you aren't qualified with experience or the knowledge that you need to be helpful to them.

 

3) i am not narrow minded. statistics show that best results are those that help if they have worked a program to be recovered. who know what needs to be done and how to effectively help another in THIS particular disease. i also did individual counseling while i was becoming recovered.

 

4) what credentials does the place you work for have? i bet none, so there are no restrictions or qualifications. they are soley there to make money. sure they hire folks for less pay due to inexperience. for experienced in the field - they have to pay more. it's no service to the folks wanting to recover. you've stated yourself you have little knowledge of recovery and what that actually entails yourself. happens all the time. you are the proof in that by your own typed words.

 

make sense now?

[Taramere]

Star, the stand out about what's happened here is that you just didn't see it coming. I think that's very hard to take when it happens. You think back to things that may have been clues and wonder why you didn't pick up on it. However, things that with hindsight may have seemed like strong clues are often also things that you often have to tolerate in any relationship. If we jump on every problem or every incidence of "we don't seem to be connecting right now" as an indication that a relationship may be on the wane, then we are being insecure.

 

It's kind of a no win, really. Much as we judge ourselves according to how our relationships pan out, it doesn't really make much sense to do that. Of course there are things we can do to improve and protect relationships we're in, but there are also many variables beyond our control that can impact seriously on them. If you take responsibility for a relationship break up, people congratulate you on your maturity....but they don't necessarily appreciate the price a person can pay long term for shouldering that kind of responsibility. After I had a particularly horrible break up, I took so much responsibility for it that I ended up storing up a multitude of problems for myself in the future....a lot of which involved behaving in some very irresponsible ways. Perhaps as a sort of rebellion for having tried far too hard to be the adult in a relationship with a childish man.

 

Anyway, that's a different story completely...but I suppose it's just that I see in your posts this desire to take responsibility for things that may have gone wrong. Despite all we say on here about the importance of doing that - sometimes I wonder how much good it actually does us to dwell on the things that may have helped bring about a relationship's demise. Too often it can result in us questioning everything about ourselves...which is especially unhelpful when you're trying to recover certain aspects of your identity that you temporarily lost in the course of the relationship.

[curiousnycgirl]

Agree with Taramere here, sometimes if we think it is a

 

ll our fault then if we figure out what we did wrong we think we can then fix it. The challenge is understanding we are not at fault and that there is nothing we cando to fix it. When we truly believe that we can begin to accept the loss of what could have been, butg wasn't.

 

We are all guilty of this, those of us that lick our wounds, heal and move on are the ones who are open to whatever comes next. Star you are on your way to that end. Keep up what you are doing and moving forwarrdA

 

XXOO

[Art_Critic]

I know what to do for myself, but not him...

 

You have to let him deal with that part..

 

If you try, it will fail..

He has to want to quit, it has to come from him and only him.

He has to admit not only to others but himself that he has a problem with Alcohol and he needs help with it.

 

This falls into the category of you can't help someone unless they want the help and he doesn't want the help right now and may never want it.

 

You have to move pasted him SG..

Unless he admits that he has a problem and seeks help then no matter what you do it is fruitless..

Continue to go to some more Alanon meetings.. those can only help you understand how to gain some of your life back at this point but in the end you will have to just understand there was nothing you could have done to avoid this disaster and the only option you have right now is to move forward without him.

[norajane]

But did I do something to make him drink more?

 

Alcoholics do not need a reason or excuse to drink. They drink because that's what they do. You did not make him drink more.

[Taramere]

I'm just really tortured over this. I do feel like I majorly effed up. But I feel like he did too. I just wish I knew what to do to repair BOTH of us. I know what to do for myself, but not him...

 

Is that part of the reason for going to the AA meetings? I'm aware that AA provide support for families and partners of alcoholics, but were you also thinking that going along might help you to help him?

 

Remember the drama triangle, and how it tends to work out. When people take on that helper or rescuer role, often it pulls them into another person's drama to a point where they end up feeling so frustrated and stressed that they slip into persecutor or victim role...which is exactly what they didn't want when they set out to help.

 

This is a man who is now pushing you away. I don't doubt for a moment that he's pushing you away because you've tapped into a problem he might have. Running away from the fear of being found out. It's an enormous fear for anyone with addictive behaviours - and a fear they will act unconsciously on even before they've consciously recognised that they have an addiction. Having insight into the reasons for a person's behaviour doesn't, however, give you any power to help them change that behaviour. The best you can really hope for, from that insight, is that it will help you to detach and stop blaming yourself for their issues. Or beating yourself for not somehow "curing" them.

 

I remember soon into our relationship, my worst ever ex (horrible way to describe him, but it's just my memory of that entire relationship now) disclosed to me that he was on anti-depressants. Life was so much more simple for me back then, and it was actually a surprise to encounter someone on that medication (feels hard to believe now). Several months into the relationship, when I found out he was still on anti-depressants I felt like the most terrible failure. In my mind, if I were a good enough girlfriend he wouldn't be needing to be on that stuff.

 

A couple of years down the line, and I was on them myself. That's what taking too much responsibility for someone else's issues does for you. It wasn't his fault. He didn't ask me to take responsibility in that way. I did it to myself because I'm naturally geared towards rescuing. Which, also naturally, led me into that state where I ended up feeling very victimised and also wanted to persecute him.

 

What I learned from that is that it never does to try to cure someone else's issues. Even a professional counsellor can only really help them identify the thinking and situations that trigger them into self destructive behaviours. If you get too involved, you will inevitably end up amassing a whole load of issues yourself. In fact by the end of my involvement with that guy I had this horrible feeling as though he'd dumped all his issues on me and walked away free of them.

 

18 months of a relationship is a long time, but it's not so long that you can't walk away from this right now and be feeling like yourself again - ready for fun, and an involvement with a new man - in a matter of months. If you carry on investing time and energy in this negative situation, however, it's going to start impacting on other areas of your life.

 

What if it starts affecting your performance at work? This relationship has already caused you problems in terms of giving up your apartment to move in with him. It's hard to think how a situation like that wouldn't be sowing the seeds of problems in other areas of your life. I really think that you must focus on taking care of yourself right now...making sure this situation doesn't throw other areas of your life off track. Don't try to be rescuer to a man who's pushing you away, Star. It's really not worth it.