curiousnycgirl Posted June 16, 2010 Share Posted June 16, 2010 Nope. Totally takes two. But, the blame game is futile. What's important now is working on yourself, and how you can personally improve from the relationship/break-up. It's all just learning lessons on our quest to the ONE. He got you closer than ever before, so after all the work you're doing now, maybe the next one WILL be the ONE. WORD! From JB's mouth to G-d's ear! Star like so many of us strong, open and honest women you are very giving and trusting - you love fully and believe in the ones you love. This guy tried but just couldn't cut it. My heart goes out to you - always. I know you will bounce back, your insights and self reflections are amazing - and I am floored at the difference in you now vs your last break up. You are like a totally different person, far more poised, and composed you've come a long way baby! Link to post Share on other sites
jenifer1972 Posted June 16, 2010 Share Posted June 16, 2010 There's almost nothing worse in life than having the rug pulled out from under a person like this situation. I am getting a gut feeling that his drinking may have been more of a problem than he let on, that he was hiding something, because when you mentioned it, it seemed to be a turning point. I am wondering if he broke up with you before you could see a dark side of himself that he felt you might find to be a dealbreaker? He was just so disingenuous about how he was really feeling, that it makes me wonder what else he was being less than forthright about. I don't think you should be too hard on yourself about losing yourself for awhile. We all do that when we fall in love. It is kind of a brain fog! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted June 16, 2010 Author Share Posted June 16, 2010 I am getting a gut feeling that his drinking may have been more of a problem than he let on, that he was hiding something, because when you mentioned it, it seemed to be a turning point. I am wondering if he broke up with you before you could see a dark side of himself that he felt you might find to be a dealbreaker? He was just so disingenuous about how he was really feeling, that it makes me wonder what else he was being less than forthright about. I was unhappy because I lost myself and gave up everything I loved in order to put the relationship first, and also because (in my eyes) he was choosing to put his desire to get buzzed or drunk before our relationship. Whether my opinion about his drinking was right or wrong, that was how I felt. And so, I picked on him alot. I really did. 95% of that was me picking on him for his drinking, because I was getting increasingly worried and scared - for him, for us, for me. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 16, 2010 Share Posted June 16, 2010 I was unhappy because I lost myself and gave up everything I loved in order to put the relationship first, and also because (in my eyes) he was choosing to put his desire to get buzzed or drunk before our relationship. Whether my opinion about his drinking was right or wrong, that was how I felt. And so, I picked on him alot. I really did. 95% of that was me picking on him for his drinking, because I was getting increasingly worried and scared - for him, for us, for me. You probably are going to have a bunch of realizations in the upcoming weeks... Sorry you're hurting but I have to say, you seem strong and your though process is very clear and honest. You're not blaming him for everything and it's a tough thing to do - To admit your own downfalls and mistakes, .. And share them online. Hugs.. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted June 16, 2010 Share Posted June 16, 2010 SG- glad you are running- thats going to help you in so many ways. Don't overdo it though! You don't want that pesky knee injury to rear its ugly head! Will be really interested to hear how Al Anon goes. Keep it up. Link to post Share on other sites
CLC2008 Posted June 16, 2010 Share Posted June 16, 2010 I was unhappy because I lost myself and gave up everything I loved in order to put the relationship first, and also because (in my eyes) he was choosing to put his desire to get buzzed or drunk before our relationship. Whether my opinion about his drinking was right or wrong, that was how I felt. And so, I picked on him alot. I really did. 95% of that was me picking on him for his drinking, because I was getting increasingly worried and scared - for him, for us, for me. You picking on his drinking = "she's trying to change me" And, if he has a dependency to drinking, in essense, HE probably felt like the rug was being pulled from under HIM. And, he panicked.... Interesting dynamic, isn't it? Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted June 16, 2010 Share Posted June 16, 2010 You picking on his drinking = "she's trying to change me" To simplify it even further it means "She is getting between me and my drink and my drink is more important" To someone who has a drinking problem they cannot fathom what life without would be like and when they are faced with having to do without they freak out.. When I was drinking I never lied about my drinking until someone tried to get me to stop.. I told them I had stopped all the while I was hiding and drinking on the sly. If I had told the truth then I would have had to admit that I had a problem.. denial.. Bottom line is that he wasn't going to give up his drink and she was trying to get him to.. so she lost.. as all SO's do in similar situations... Link to post Share on other sites
CLC2008 Posted June 16, 2010 Share Posted June 16, 2010 To simplify it even further it means "She is getting between me and my drink and my drink is more important" To someone who has a drinking problem they cannot fathom what life without would be like and when they are faced with having to do without they freak out.. When I was drinking I never lied about my drinking until someone tried to get me to stop.. I told them I had stopped all the while I was hiding and drinking on the sly. If I had told the truth then I would have had to admit that I had a problem.. denial.. Bottom line is that he wasn't going to give up his drink and she was trying to get him to.. so she lost.. as all SO's do in similar situations... Agreed. That's kind of where I was going with it - but you explained it much better. I can't imagine being in such a position (StarG), I can only speculate how hurtful it must be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted June 16, 2010 Author Share Posted June 16, 2010 And, if he has a dependency to drinking, in essense, HE probably felt like the rug was being pulled from under HIM. And, he panicked.... While our talks about it had intensified in recent months, I had been regularly talking to him about his drinking since at least November. I'd hardly call that pulling the rug from under him... I also first asked LS about the frequency of their drinking to get drunk (to figure out what's common or normal) in December. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted June 16, 2010 Share Posted June 16, 2010 Wow SG.. you really have been dealing with quite a bit... He has got a real drinking problem and the only reason you guys broke up is because he is still in denial about it and he would rather lose you than quit. He also sounds like someone who needs to quit entirely and not moderate.. To an Alcoholic one drink is too many and a thousand isn't enough. You will gain so much from Alanon.. you will learn how much of this he owns and how to learn to give yourself a break with the guilt.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted June 16, 2010 Author Share Posted June 16, 2010 ...he would rather lose you than quit. I know. That's what's so devastating to me right now. But I didn't even want him to quit. I just wanted him to ease up a little, pace himself. Sometimes he would, I'd encourage him to slow down, and he'd be like, "Okay..." and he'd refrain from the last glass, or whatever. But he always seemed bummed about it. Whether he was bummed that I was saying something, or bummed that he "couldn't" have another glass, I don't know. And if I said, "I didn't mean stop entirely for the night, just...pace yourself," he'd get a big smile on his face and pour himself another glass. I keep kicking myself, like... why didn't I just NOT pick on him about this? Why couldn't I just let him do what he wanted to do? Why was I so uptight about his behavior, and picking on him like that? Was that because I wasn't happy with myself? Or was that because I was sincerely worried? Or both? I keep thinking that if I'd just kept quiet, we'd still be together. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted June 16, 2010 Share Posted June 16, 2010 But if you had kept quiet, you would have been compromising yourself and tolerating behaviour considered by most to be unacceptable. That would have worn you down over time (even more so than this has already). His drinking is his problem, not yours. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted June 16, 2010 Share Posted June 16, 2010 I keep thinking that if I'd just kept quiet, we'd still be together. Thats a compromise that is just unhealthy.. even for the strongest of people. You would have totally lost your self esteem and if you think you lost yourself in the past it would have been twice as bad if you had just put up with a drunk. You cannot live "counting his drinks". Would you want an active drunk for a father to your potential children ? Him being present and not in the bottom of a bottle is the only way to fly SG... Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted June 16, 2010 Share Posted June 16, 2010 SG.. the "what if's" and "if only I had done" are a losing battle in a breakup. Try not to let yourself go down too far on that path.. The Alanon meeting is a good thing.. You will come to understand that by being silent all you would have been was an enabler to his drinking and one thing to remember is that Alcoholism is a "Progressive" disease.. meaning it always gets worse and doesn't stay the same. Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted June 16, 2010 Share Posted June 16, 2010 You did the right thing in questioning him about his drinking. I would have questioned it too. At least he set you free. I have to respect him for this at very least. Sorry that you are hurting. Take time with yourself. Take care, Eve xx Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 16, 2010 Share Posted June 16, 2010 Wow, S_G, this is surprising (to me) and saddening. My sympathies. Someone I loved for a very long time once told me 'you don't really know what goes on behind closed doors' (alluding to her marriage). It was only once I got married that I came to fully understand what those words meant. You'll find your way through this. Best wishes Link to post Share on other sites
CLC2008 Posted June 16, 2010 Share Posted June 16, 2010 Keeping quiet would have been the worse thing to do. You would always be walking on eggshells and for what? So that he could continue drinking? You can still love him, right or wrong, but that doesn't mean sacrificing your core values in order to keep him in your life and vice versa. The problem here, is that he loves his drink first. And I agree with alcholism being a progressive disease. I mentioned my best friend in high school in a seperate thread, man, I loved that girl (platonic) we were two peas in a pod best friends. But, her drinking became worse and it escalated to hard drugs, something I didn't want to be around. And, we were teenagers at that time. I still wonder from time-to-time how she is doing though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted June 16, 2010 Author Share Posted June 16, 2010 But you guys... he's not like a loud, obnoxious drunk or anything. He's like a very chill, boring drunk. If anything, you'd think he was stoned or something. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted June 16, 2010 Share Posted June 16, 2010 He's like a very chill, boring drunk. If anything, you'd think he was stoned or something. So was I... the drunker I got the quieter I became. Just because somebody doesn't become some monster and beat his wife doesn't mean he isnt abusing Alcohol to his and your detriment. On a good weekend I could put away a half a fifth to a fifth of Jack Black or Wild Turkey 101 and never raised my voice once.. Unless it was to get service at the bar You said yourself that he WASN'T present... well... there ya go... Drunk=Not present=Not functional enough to participate in a relationship Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted June 16, 2010 Author Share Posted June 16, 2010 Which came first, the unhappiness with me, or the drinking? Did I really cause him to drink like that? At our happiest (pre-nagging), he was still a drinker... Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted June 16, 2010 Share Posted June 16, 2010 SG.. the drinking came first... or I should say the unhappiness with HIMSELF... He wants to to think you are the cause but in reality it runs much deeper than that.. HIS problem.. not yours.. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted June 16, 2010 Share Posted June 16, 2010 Star My mother is (was? - I don't even know if she is still alive ) an alcoholic. I know she blamed it on my father when he had an affair and left her. However as an adult, I can look back at years before this and see that she had a drink problem. It was always there under the surface but to her, it was never, ever her fault. If there was something/someone she could blame it on, she would Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 16, 2010 Share Posted June 16, 2010 BF owns his alcoholism. That's his responsibility, as was ending the relationship. Acceptance is a path. Accept that you didn't 'make' him drink. He chose it, freely, as he chose to walk away from your LTR. He owns those choices. Hang in there Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted June 16, 2010 Share Posted June 16, 2010 SG.. **Hugz** Link to post Share on other sites
littlelisa30 Posted June 16, 2010 Share Posted June 16, 2010 I am so sorry for what you are going through. I probably know exactly how you feel. Sometimes it hurts to breathe in and out. My husband recently left me (very suddenly) a week and two days ago. It was totally out of the blue. He acted a little 'off' for a week before and then bam, just told me he doesn't want this anymore. I asked him for reasons too and they were all about how I did this and that and he just picked me apart. I know I didn't do all of those things and please dont listen to what your ex is saying about you. It is NOT your fault. Do not own his problems. It is something within himself. From what people are telling ME about the demise of my relationship, there may be another woman and that is why his feelings cooled so quickly. I don't want to believe it either. I'm glad you are taking care of yourself and you really sound like a strong confident woman. I am so sorry you have to go through this. It hurts and it is confusing and your world just shatters and you are left standing there in disbelief trying to figure out what went wrong. It is devastating and frustrating and it sucks. I just wanted to offer my hugs and my admiration for how well you are doing. Link to post Share on other sites
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