spectre742 Posted January 30, 2004 Share Posted January 30, 2004 a bit of a dillema. I have been with a great girl for two years. We have a lot in common and have a lot of laughs and are quite happy together. Problem is a story she told me when we started dating. We were talking about past encounters and experience and she totally floored me. She, sad and divorced, after a "married too young" situation, took a trip alone to Mexico. There, she met a group of men on vacation on the plane who happened to be staying at the same hotel. They hung out together and she ended up having sex with all four of them- taking turns. She regrets it and says it was a mix of alchohol and attention she never had. She is the absolute last person I could ever see this happening to. She is kind of shy, very dedicated and on the ball- I honestly never trusted anyone more than her. I honor her honesty, although I wish I never found out. It seems that this little memory comes back to haunt us. It is a very bad image for me to imagine and it hurts her to know it bothers me. Other than this we get along great. I need some advice! Link to post Share on other sites
Nameless Posted January 30, 2004 Share Posted January 30, 2004 The past is the past. Every couple has some sort of problems from the past that they regret. So in your case, just work through it or something. I hope it isnt too rude for me to ask this, but did she check if she acquired any std's yet? Link to post Share on other sites
Author spectre742 Posted January 30, 2004 Author Share Posted January 30, 2004 she has been checked and is completely clean. She did use condoms when it happened. Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted January 30, 2004 Share Posted January 30, 2004 let her be a person. you guys sounds like a great couple, and you sound like a great guy. you sound like the kind of guy who understands that all humans all complex, and make mistakes, and it sounds like you have the strength to forgive and understand this woman. if you start obsessing over the image, replace with one of her being loving, sweet, and caring instead. this is up to you - this can either ruin your lives together, or enhance your basic understanding of each other as living, changing, humans. we all have dark pockets, i think. i'm sure you have some. it's terrific that your girl can be honest with you about them. Link to post Share on other sites
One N Jen Posted January 30, 2004 Share Posted January 30, 2004 Look, we all have done things that we regret in life, I exspecially have, and if I could take it all back, I surely would. Alchohol is nasty crap, and it makes people do the unmentionables..I myself, have done stuuuuupid stuff, drinking. Later in life I found out that I was allergic to alchohol...thank god....cuz i could not go through life having people tell me of the awful things I did the night before.. Let it go. Dont talk about it, cuz its not going to change the fact that it was a momentary time in her life, that she probably would LOVE to forget about. Look at it this way , at least she shared, she must have trusted you to some great extent to share a deed like that. Oh ,,,by the way... have done anything completely wrong, or bad, or out of the ordinary.. put yourself there, when you are dwelling on the past... I promise, you will forget all about what she is living with... Live in your own doings, forgive her, as she obviously has forgiven herselff, if she can share it with the man she loves.. Keep on trucking...good luck jak Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted January 30, 2004 Share Posted January 30, 2004 ... and just want to pose this counter-scenario: if you heard about a guy who had had sex with four women at once, would you be as alarmed? Obviously part of it is the fact that she's your girlfriend, which is a special connection. But ask yourself if you really would react to a woman in that situation the same as you would react to hearing about a man in the reverse scenario. Correct me if I'm wrong but I think the prevailing (though not universal) reaction would be "well of COURSE he went along with them -- the opportunity of a lifetime!" But when it's a woman we question what was wrong with her. And I include myself in that. But it's worth bearing in mind when in a position to pass judgment. Link to post Share on other sites
One N Jen Posted January 30, 2004 Share Posted January 30, 2004 Ya know, I gotta give ya a high five on that! Man did I used to pry into the past until I made myself so uncomfortably miserable that I hated me so much that I hated him. My past stinks, but ya know what , I would not be here, happy, and madly in love, if I would not have gone through and done what I had back then... Hay, we get what we give, and as long as honesty is the biggest key to the convo, let er rip, if ya cant share, get out of preschool, ya know...heeh Link to post Share on other sites
jester Posted January 30, 2004 Share Posted January 30, 2004 a bit of a dillema. I have been with a great girl for two years I'm concerned that 2 years into a happy relationship you're still focusing on your gf's fling. We can tell you until we're blue in the face (post?) that it's ancient history, it doesn't matter and get a grip and move on with your life. But I don't believe that's enough. What are your real concerns? Are you moving towards marriage and are you concerned that your gf will suffer a moral relapse and cheat with group sex partners? Or do you believe , at some visceral level, that your gf is somehow unclean or soiled because of group sex in Mexico? The first concern is anxiety about the future , and there's nothing we can say, here, to get you to trust her. If you believe in "once a slut, always a slut," (I'm using this language ironically, jenny) , then my advice is let her go so she can fall in love with a man who's not going to obsess about an isolated misadventure in her life. She deserves more. The second concern is that your gf is somehow dirty or despoiled because of Mexico-- that she is not "clean" enough for you to marry. Again, the problem lies with you, not her, as you candidly acknowledge. If you can't overcome this "spoiled goods" mindset--and it has been two years--I recommend that you leave her. Blow these nasty thoughts out of your mind, friend. By doing so , you commit not only in an act of love, but also of kindness. I bet she would do the same for you. Think about it. Link to post Share on other sites
TineeTam Posted January 30, 2004 Share Posted January 30, 2004 It's her past. She didn't cheat on you. She was honest with you. Had she known you back then she wouldn't have done it. You should both be able to let it go. It is HER past and it shouldn't make any difference. Had she been with each guy on separate occasions would that have made a difference? Or is it just because she had an adventure and maybe lived out a fantasy? Look at it this way -- your gf is adventursome and open to trying new things -- take advantage of that and make some fun together! Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted January 30, 2004 Share Posted January 30, 2004 I don't like that image either. Like everyone said, though, the past is the past...if she'd known she was going to meet someone as wonderful as you, she would not have done it. Another thought: Could you maybe not think of it as a bad thing that she did this? Instead of letting the image make you sick, look on the bright side: She regrets it, so you know she isn't a slutty girl, or she might've enjoyed it. She regrets it, so she'll never do it again . She did it, so you know she's not a prude. Is there a bright side you can see? I see a few. Given, I wouldn't like this if my husband had done this, but I can't help what he's done. I was raised strict, so I don't even like that my husband drank beer ONE TIME. But I'm glad that he's already experienced that, and doesn't feel like he needs to experience it now. Now, he doesn't feel like he's missing something. See, there's a bright side to everything. To all you porn haters, here's your bright side: If he's looking at porn, at least he's not gay (sorry, I just had to say that) Link to post Share on other sites
Helpme2004 Posted January 30, 2004 Share Posted January 30, 2004 I agree the past is the past all that matters now is the present and your future together as couple let it go yeah it would bother me too but shes with you now be happy Link to post Share on other sites
quickmorph Posted January 30, 2004 Share Posted January 30, 2004 What's the big deal? What about if the same had happened to you? That once upon a time you had sex with 4 women. Would you think it was strange? Would she? Link to post Share on other sites
Dug Posted February 27, 2004 Share Posted February 27, 2004 I wish I could have bestowed alittle advice on your GF before she told you too much about that episode with other Lovers.....but...my ex-GF did a similar thing, but only it was over a 2yr period and with 15 stranger (guys). I never asked about her past, but she needed to confess it I guess. I have to admit that it was painful to hear....the real kick in the stomach came later when she started to tell me things about me that reminded her of those "lovers"....yeah...body parts...techniques, etc. My advice to anyone out there is to never tell your lover anything you can't tell your Mom. I can only hope your GF doesn't start having flashbacks about thoseother guys...and if she does fantasize about them, that she has the good sense to keep it to herself. Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted February 27, 2004 Share Posted February 27, 2004 "My advice to anyone out there is to never tell your lover anything you can't tell your Mom." Amen! Keep the skeletons in the closet. I wish I had known to keep my big mouth shut. I'm not even sure why I told what I did. New lovers don't really want to know what you did before them. Live and Learn. But you, Big Guy, need to realize you have somebody that's experienced it, and will never need to wonder or "sow her oats" later on. Be grateful is all I can figure out. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted February 27, 2004 Share Posted February 27, 2004 Either let the issue go or let her go. Forgetting crap like this that's irrelevant to the present is part of growing up. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted February 27, 2004 Share Posted February 27, 2004 Some people can handle that info. Others can't. You need to know your partner before you blab about your past. Dug, your case is egregious in that she not only recalled her past, but compared you. That just stinks. Most folks, one hopes, would have a good deal more sensitivity than to do something so unkind. Link to post Share on other sites
Sparky Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 Don't worry about the past. It can't be changed. LOL Hey! Maybe you can you this to your advantage one of these days! (wink! wink!) I'm not saying I'D do it, but it's just something to be aware of in the future. Like tell her to be careful not to drink too much. Link to post Share on other sites
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