Stuck!

[WhyHope]

I guess living in a limbo sucks

 

She said she is done with the marriage, but not filing and keeping you hanging. And continues with her online flirting with her partner which messes with your head.

 

No, for me, flirting (even if its one-sided) and her not stopping it, is highly inappropriate and disrespectful towards you and the marriage.

 

 

If it was OK with me, do you think I would even bring it up with her? Now, is it fair to call this a trust issue? As in, I do not trust her when I should have; a normal person would have been ok with that. ???

[WhyHope]

Just found out smth - people pray for me. I might sign my biggest client tomorrow. Could be an "overnight" transformation. Please, please please, let this work out!!! (I have a hobby, cant disclose what though - law-related; my true love in this field of work; its exciting, glamorous and just plain cool. For the past two years, I slowly was trying to break into the field. It is almost impossible to. If tomorrow/this week everything works - this client will be my huge break). ))))

[Windsurf66]

If it was OK with me, do you think I would even bring it up with her? Now, is it fair to call this a trust issue? As in, I do not trust her when I should have; a normal person would have been ok with that. ???

 

No, i do not think a normal person will be ok with the spouse passively encouraging flirting from others. Its playing with fire within the marriage; it might just burn down one day.

 

But then again, having been going through LS for a few years (I been reading for a few years but only posted recently), the definition of normal is perhaps subjected to several interpretations

[trippi1432]

Well, let the OP judged and decide for themself whether the help is what they need

 

You give own your views and advice, and mind your own business

 

You know, I was about to agree with you Windsurf66....up until the insult. That already speaks volumes about you.

 

WhyHope - Good luck with your client tomorrow....I'm going to go mind my own business....good luck with your marriage as well....I'm sure that you are getting the best advice anyone can give you now.

[WhyHope]

You know, I was about to agree with you Windsurf66....up until the insult. That already speaks volumes about you.

 

WhyHope - Good luck with your client tomorrow....I'm going to go mind my own business....good luck with your marriage as well....I'm sure that you are getting the best advice anyone can give you now.

 

Trippi! Can't we all be friends? Listen, windsurf, Trippi loves you but not in love with you! Move out! Stop y'all!

 

Here is one for you: I told SIL to stay out of my marriage. and told her H that he should have a talk w her about it. He actually kinda flipped... Whatever. So anyway - they deleted me from their FB accounts... hahahaha I have no problem with her behaving that way, but him?!

 

Speaking of which - they had problems a couple of years back... She pushed him to move out, he put a deposit on the apartment she came running over. She was driven by... u guessed it - MIL. Now, he is this perfect little H. Who does not necessarily talk back but spends a lot of time w his kid - his D snowboards - so they are gone every weekend. (Does he spend time with the child or just gets away from his W??? That is the question! )))

[trippi1432]

Trippi! Can't we all be friends? Listen, windsurf, Trippi loves you but not in love with you! Move out! Stop y'all!

 

LOL!! Yeah, isn't that what we all get...that 'lil love you but not in love with you spill.

 

Here is one for you: I told SIL to stay out of my marriage. and told her H that he should have a talk w her about it. He actually kinda flipped... Whatever. So anyway - they deleted me from their FB accounts... hahahaha I have no problem with her behaving that way, but him?!

 

Speaking of which - they had problems a couple of years back... She pushed him to move out, he put a deposit on the apartment she came running over. She was driven by... u guessed it - MIL. Now, he is this perfect little H. Who does not necessarily talk back but spends a lot of time w his kid - his D snowboards - so they are gone every weekend. (Does he spend time with the child or just gets away from his W??? That is the question! )))

 

Wow, sounds like the MIL is running both marriages here. No wonder your BIL flipped...go against the grain and agree with you...the MIL might cut something off.

[WhyHope]

Wow, sounds like the MIL is running both marriages here. No wonder your BIL flipped...go against the grain and agree with you...the MIL might cut something off.

 

And here I am. As u know by now, a stubborn bastard who will not dance to someone's song. (Except to my W's... Damn it!!!)

 

I love her. I love her to death... About 2 moths ago (after the 1st separation) we were at a family gathering. I was in a crappy mood. W and SIL were sitting together and laughing, w SIL pointing out that I have a "long" face... That and some other little things is what pointing me to think that to them its nothing but a game; a way to make me into what they want. (Listen, as I stated before, I do need to change some things, but to be made aware of my flaws in THIS way... Cruel and unusual punishment. Either way, I will never have ANY respect towards my IL. NONE.

 

You remember me wanting a bigger house? I also want one that's as far as possible from both of their homes. (We r literally within walking distance of each others homes. Why? Another time when I just kinda agreed with W's choice to avoid conflict)

[txsilkysmoothe]

He is her partner. She has to talk to him. Past month - 1 phone call (cell obviously), no TXTs, but she has a Blackberry - blackberry messenger communication can not be tracked. She refused to delete him from her contacts. Here is a prime example for you - Friday, she calls me at 5:45 - she is on her way to pick up the kids. Daycare, at best is 15 mins away from her work. At 6:15 she gets a phone call from daycare. She gets home at like 6:40. At 6:30 she got a phone call from him. Possibly met for coffee? Yes. Possibly he called her about some work related stuff? Yes. She stopped by somewhere to do smth between work and daycare? Yes... But I AM running around all paranoid. If I ask her - I am crazy in her eyes. Why do I have the need to ask? Because initially she never explained anything to me. And even after promising to cease all inessential contact w OM, she continued to contact him. (I caught her and confronted her). Self-confidence for me??? Sure, that is gone w her.

 

 

Seriously? She left at 5:45 to pick up kids. Are you sure she was leaving from work or was it possibly some other location? SHE CALLED YOU! Why would she do that knowing it would provide this timeline for you to analyze. Are you saying you know the daycare was calling at 6:15 because she wasn't there yet? What if there was a wreck that held her up? What if daycare called after she left there, maybe because she left something and had to go back? What if she spent 10 minutes talking to daycare staff? If she had just left him after meeting for coffee, is it likely he would then call her at 6:30? I'm asking "do you really know the facts surrounding this incident?" You are nickel and dime-ing her time. She leaves work, picks up kids at daycare and is home in under an hour. It sounds reasonable to me.

 

When this whole thing started I did not drink (at all) for 3 1/2 months. Then reacted to something she did and went out to my friend's house... Showed up at 2 am... Do I need to drink? NO... Haven't had a drink in 2 months...

 

Money - need to make more. I am under 6 figures, she expects me to make enough to cover all of the expenses in the family. I have to agree with that. I want a new house, I want her to work less.

 

Contacting her - BOTH I have been texting/calling constantly. My bad days? 10-12 phone calls a day. Lately - past 2 weeks. May be 1 or 2. (Before all of this started between the two of us we had about 6-7 a day). Content - I try to find out where she is and with whom... I know she is annoyed by that. I still ask ... Past week - none of that.

 

All three of the above can break up a marriage. You call 10-12 times a day to see what she is doing? She isn't doing anything except answering your calls. She doesn't have time. It's a good thing she has a high level position, otherwise you would get her fired. And, your incessant calling makes it clear (to her) that you're not getting any work done either - hitting on one of the other problems between the two of you.

 

Does she want to quit working and be at home with the kids?

 

Had you built up your business over the last 3 years, might she not be working with this guy today?

 

I feel like you are slowly revealing parts of the story that are particularly unflattering to you. I'll ask again. Do you drink too much? Has your drinking interfered with your business success? Does she think you are an alcoholic? How long has she been complaining about your drinking? Has anyone else suggested that you are an alcoholic?

 

I really don't mean to defend her. I don't know if she is cheating with this man or not. I think it is possible if she has lost all hope in the marriage. If she is or has, can you get past it?

 

This is very sad for you and your family. I'm sorry for you and encourage you to take one day at a time. One way or another, it will work out. Try to be open to more than one resolution.

[Gunny376]

As I said since having joined LS I've only seen less than two or three lasting reconciliations.

 

I'm sure that there are possibly could be more? Just not posted here. Once they found the answers to the questions and the solutions to the problems ~ have reconciled they just never bothered to to post such.

 

If the DW is having an EA or PA matters not? Life goes on. Whether she stays or goes, you reconcile or not? Matters not. Life still goes on.

 

You did just fine before you meet her? You'll do just fine if and when she's gone.

 

What if God forbid she were to die tomorrow? Would your grief be any greater or less than if she left you?

 

I understand that you love her and that she's the so-called "Love of your Life" ~ and that's exactly your problem. There's no such thing. No such creature exist.

 

The women that have posted to your thread themselves have told you that your behavior makes you look weak, unattractive, beta-male, to women in general.

 

When it comes to reconciliation? Where women have become detached and/or WAW (Walk-away-Wives) and in my general interaction with women over the last thirty plus years? One thing and one thing only works.

 

Decisiveness

 

That is to say (without being an @zzhold about it ~ just stating the facts) that you should be staunch in your opinions, your position. In short you need to "man-up"

 

Whether this one woman ~ your wife ~ your one true love stays or goes? Matters not. There's no shortage of women in the world (and for women ~ wake up call! There's no shortage of good men in the world)

 

What you have is a really bad case of "One-ittis" ~ that is to say you've got it into your head that this is the one and only woman for you. That she's the one and only and the best that you can ever do?

 

Be you a man or woman? Go down to the local nursing home and check out all of the men and women there? If your a man? All the women pretty much look the same and if your a woman? All of the men pretty much look the same.

 

Why hasn't she filed? Because she knows your an @zz of an attorney and that you along with your attorney will clean her plow ~ and since she's the bread winner ~ that you will ruin her financially.

 

In the Great Recession and such when more and more women are the bread winners and earn more than their husbands? Guess who's having to pay out alimony to whom?

 

And I'm guessing that she's co-signed on the student and law loans to boot! Along with the mortgage, the car loans, the credit cards.

 

Then there's the question of custody? Women are granted custody of the children 90% of the time. But in the 10% of the cases where the men seek custody? They are granted custody 90% of the time. (That is to say you should be spending 10 times as much time with the children, documenting such, having people that can testify to such witness it)

 

The fact that your 6'1'' and 180 lbs and an attorney ~ that gets you a woman's attention for the first ten minutes. Generally women have summed up you qualities within the first five or six minutes or so.

 

For women even if a guy is a HGX10 (Hot Guy X's Ten) he can totally ruin it by what he says or doesn't say, does or doesn't do. (LOL which is why many women will get with such a guy and just tell them to keep their mouths shut ~ aka ~ don't ruin it by talking)

 

You keep ignoring me in my advice ~ and I'm going to spell it out to you as though you were a four year old.

 

STFU!

 

Leave her be! Let her go and do her on thing with whoever and whatever (she's obviously an addict for the attention of men ~ may not mean anything ~ she just an addict for their attention ~ she's always gotten it, and her self esteem needs it to keep it going.)

 

The worse case I've witnessed of an "Attention Whore" was a woman that was married to a man for forty years and had three sons with. Back in tha' day she was a HB10 (Hot Babe X 10 ~ we're talking Playboy Centerfold of the month material)

 

She just couldn't handle getting older, fatter, etc. And went out and was scroggin any and everything that she could find. After being together for forty years of marriage? They ended up getting divorced.

 

Forget that!

 

Men? Supposedly peak sexually at age 18?

 

Women begin peaking as early as twenty-something to their mid forties or better (varies with the individual)

 

The nerve endings in a woman's vagina aren't fully developed until around age 35.

 

Then there's the menstrual cycle. If you ever were to read up on it? The various different hormones, dosages of such, throughout the course of one month alone would help you better understand women ~ and all the more be more compassionate and understanding of them.

 

I would really recommend that you go and see you PCP (Primary Care Physician) and have him refer you to a psychologist (not because your crazy ~ but because this mess is driving your so called crazy)

 

Who after an in-take? Will confer with your PCP ~ who can come up with the right kind of medication to calm and settle your happy @zz down, and then between the two will call you back within a month or so to adjust the dosage your medication.

 

I'm telling you the anxiety drugs along have worked wonders for me. They don't make me "stoned" nor feeling drugged out, nor anything other than "balanced"

 

I'm not PO'd at the world and everyone in it, I don't go off over any and every little thing, I'm more sociable, agreeable, friendlier, smile more, laugh more. I'm 90% more back to being the 100% of me than I was before I went through the last thirty years of what I've been and have gone through.

 

You've been through and are going through some SERIOUS stress! Professionally and in your personal life. And your mudding the two glasses of water of such by combining them in with one another.

 

I would even dare say that you've got PTSD ~ in that you've delayed the stress of getting married, going through college, getting into A law school (People that don't know of such is there's such a thing a a first, second, third, fourth and fifth tier law school and even a non recognized ~ certified ABA law school)

 

Then there's the stress of getting your private practice off of the ground ~ and that can take years upon years to build your "rep"

 

At the very least go and see your MD ~ and explain your situation to him and get him you on some anxiety/mode suppressors. They're non addictive and will help you to come to and see you situation with more clarity.

 

You will sleep better, eat better, obess less, and will get off of the DW's back.

 

Once your on them ~ she will see the positive changes in your thinking, your attitude, your aprroach toward her.

 

Hell I'm not even currently in a relationship ~ and since having been forced to seek professional help and get on AD and anxiety drugs for depressionm anxiety and PTSD ~ my co-workers have seen a 180 in my attitude, my work, my everything.

[Windsurf66]

And here I am. As u know by now, a stubborn bastard who will not dance to someone's song. (Except to my W's... Damn it!!!)

 

I love her. I love her to death... About 2 moths ago (after the 1st separation) we were at a family gathering. I was in a crappy mood. W and SIL were sitting together and laughing, w SIL pointing out that I have a "long" face... That and some other little things is what pointing me to think that to them its nothing but a game; a way to make me into what they want. (Listen, as I stated before, I do need to change some things, but to be made aware of my flaws in THIS way... Cruel and unusual punishment. Either way, I will never have ANY respect towards my IL. NONE.

 

You remember me wanting a bigger house? I also want one that's as far as possible from both of their homes. (We r literally within walking distance of each others homes. Why? Another time when I just kinda agreed with W's choice to avoid conflict)

 

Yes, cruel and insulting, towards you as a husband....if your wife went along with it, it simply shows her disrespect towards you and the marriage

 

So how does things goes now, your wife continues with the flirting and pushing you to move out, you continue with the questioning and staying put in the house, until one of you files for divorce?

[Nomad1]

WhyHope > It is clear that you are devastated by this. You seem to have lost the plot. You are making things worse by your obssessiveness with the breakup. It is clear that things will get worse. Accept that your wife does not share your aspiration to pursue the marriage. She's gone. Stop living in the past. Of course you are hurt. Carve out a private space to lick your wounds. Let her be. Get someone to pick up the kids and drop them off. Zero contact is the only answer in your case. Think about how you will feel when she is openly seeing or living with another man. That will happen my friend.

 

This whole thing seems to have dented your self-concept. Re-read your posts. You have said over and over that you are successful, good looking....and the alfa male etc. Why do you feel the need to reassert this? My guess is that you are beginning to doubt your self-worth and you are doing a good job of diminishing your worth in the eyes of everyone else, particularly your STXW.

 

Here is something I read a while ago here on LS. It went something like this:

 

A wise man once said to his grandson: 'there two wolves inside the minds of everyone of us. One represents the epitome of negativity, eg jealousy, anger, greed, malice and insincerity. The other represents all the positive attributes one hopes to have. The wise man said that they are all in constant battle with one another. The grandson asked, so who wins in the end. The wise man replied: 'the one you feed the most'.

 

Whyhope > about time to throw in the towel. Start looking forward. Become really successful in your career, if that is what you construe as a measure of your worth. Start a new page.

 

You probably won't like what I have written. It is meant as a wake up call from someone who has been through what you are experiencing and came out at the other end.

 

Good luck man.

 

Nomad1

[tojaz]

She is unwilling to sit down and talk. "We talked too much already". If we talk - her point is - "I am done. I want you to move out". Do you want divorce? Lately the answer has been "yes". But no movement on her side. You can't imagine how tired I am of this situation. She talks to my friends and her point is - listen, he is not changing. I am here. I want him to move out and prove me wrong. But, damn it - she is the one that has and EA, NOT me. No matter what I did, I did not force her to say "I do". For crying out loud, I wasn't the one that proposed. She suggested that we get married. I did not break my vows.

 

Remember your audience WhyHope, most of us know all too well how frustrating and painful this is.

 

Words mean very little in a situation like this. They cannot be trusted unless you have the ability to read between the lines and gauge her actions, you will drive your self mad trying to make sense of it all. Look at the contradictions in your own words... shes done, she wants divorce, she wants you to prove her wrong. That added to the fact that she hasn't moved forward with filing papers tells a very different tale.

 

This like most divorces, is a power struggle. She has a list of demands and doesn't want to budge, and you have a list of demand and you don't want to budge. Just like i said before, stalemate. So if what your doing isn't working.... time to try something else! Ignoring what she has said and knowing what YOU want, what have you been doing proactively to try and save your marriage?

 

Ask yourself the questions that your not asking her. WHY does she want you to move out? WHY is she involved in the EA? What is she getting there that she isn't getting from you? Thats where you need to be looking if your still in the fight.

 

Id doesn't matter to her if you did it right, or who proposed, or how much history is between you, because in her mind that has all been rewritten to support her decision. The moral high ground is a nice place to be, but it doesn't count for anything with her. It can just as fast turn into "I never loved you" or some other such nonsense. The only thing that she is going to see is what you are doing right now before her eyes, and even that may not be seen a lot of the time.

 

To tell you the truth, it was just a BS statement. I have NEVER hit her (drinking, not drinking) - and do not plan on ever doing it. Did I want to? Last fight that she escalated in front of the kids - heck yeah that thought crossed my mind. I told her about it. MY KIDS WERE INVOLVED! Of course I reacted and felt that. But she is also the mother of my kids - so no, under no circumstances smth like that would have happen. Alcohol - I drink (past?) I like to do it with a couple of my close friends. We do get plastered. We act like we are 20 again. But we try to do it AWAY from families; and away from people - i.e. mountain cabin; fishing trip... Is it bad? Its immature. Cheating - NO, no EAs, no PAs. Flirting? Yes. Inappropriate? May be. But I never let it get into my home.

 

Did you flirt with your wife present? Or let word of your flirting get back to her? HONEST ANSWER!....

 

TOJAZ

[skywriter]

WhyHope,

 

Could the answer be in your first reply?

 

"I, for some reason, do feel that all she is doing is teaching me a lesson."

[WhyHope]

Seriously? She left at 5:45 to pick up kids. Are you sure she was leaving from work or was it possibly some other location? SHE CALLED YOU! Why would she do that knowing it would provide this timeline for you to analyze. Are you saying you know the daycare was calling at 6:15 because she wasn't there yet? What if there was a wreck that held her up? What if daycare called after she left there, maybe because she left something and had to go back? What if she spent 10 minutes talking to daycare staff? If she had just left him after meeting for coffee, is it likely he would then call her at 6:30? I'm asking "do you really know the facts surrounding this incident?" You are nickel and dime-ing her time. She leaves work, picks up kids at daycare and is home in under an hour. It sounds reasonable to me.

 

My point about bringing that up was to show HOW paranoid I have been. There were other situations where she was caught in clear lies and that's what affected the trust. I totally agree with you though - there are a number of ways to spin it.

 

All three of the above can break up a marriage. You call 10-12 times a day to see what she is doing? She isn't doing anything except answering your calls. She doesn't have time. It's a good thing she has a high level position, otherwise you would get her fired. And, your incessant calling makes it clear (to her) that you're not getting any work done either - hitting on one of the other problems between the two of you.

R u my wife? On the more serious note - you are a hundred per cent right. That's exactly why I am trying to LC - not for her to "turn around" in a conventional way, but more for me.

Does she want to quit working and be at home with the kids?

She went back and forth with that. I think she would be happy if she knew that she DOES NOT have to work.

Had you built up your business over the last 3 years, might she not be working with this guy today?

Absolutely.

I feel like you are slowly revealing parts of the story that are particularly unflattering to you. I'll ask again. Do you drink too much? Has your drinking interfered with your business success? Does she think you are an alcoholic? How long has she been complaining about your drinking? Has anyone else suggested that you are an alcoholic?

No it has not interfered with my work. On the other hand (I thought at least) that I have admitted that I do have a problem with it. Would I deal with it if she wasn't pushing? Probably not. Just being honest.

I really don't mean to defend her. I don't know if she is cheating with this man or not. I think it is possible if she has lost all hope in the marriage. If she is or has, can you get past it?

Yes, I can.

This is very sad for you and your family. I'm sorry for you and encourage you to take one day at a time. One way or another, it will work out. Try to be open to more than one resolution.

I am trying. Thank you. My point right now is that no matter what happens with us, I have to change.

[Gunny376]

WhyHope,

 

Could the answer be in your first reply?

 

"I, for some reason, do feel that all she is doing is teaching me a lesson."

 

A lesson in objectivity perhaps?

[WhyHope]

 

Did you flirt with your wife present? Or let word of your flirting get back to her? HONEST ANSWER!....

 

TOJAZ

 

YES. She saw me flirt

[WhyHope]

A lesson in objectivity perhaps?

 

I truly hope so. But if its not. Listen, I know what I want in this D - 50% physical custody.

 

Someone mentioned as to how I measure my self-worth. Definitely not money, or status. To me family, friends are more important than anything. They are what defines me as a man and as a human being. My friends are good, loyal, kind people, who will do anything and everything for me. I can rely on them. But even they knew that they can easily be "forgotten" when it came to the family (they would and do understand).

 

For my wife, professional accomplishments are important (Again, don't get me wrong, she is not into money or anything) - she just wants to be comfortable and worry-free.

 

GUNNY, I am trying. I am giving her the space that she wants. Trying to do that. I know that if I stick with that, she will slowly "melt" and be a little kinder and more receptive with each passing day. Will I get my "old" wife back? I sure hope NOT! Just like I don't want to wish my "old-self" onto her. We have to build a better relationship.

 

Decisiveness - where in particular should I NOT stick to my guns?

[tojaz]

After she talks to MIL or SIL - forget it - she is a completely different person.

 

Why_Hope, This I can relate to 100% Take a look at my thread "Pressure" may be some things there you missed from my own tale.

 

TOJAZ

[WhyHope]

Why_Hope, This I can relate to 100% Take a look at my thread "Pressure" may be some things there you missed from my own tale.

 

TOJAZ

 

I definitely will. Let me reflect on today: 1 phone call - who is picking up the kids; tried to be as pleasant on the phone as possible; actually just nice. She was snappy. Texted her - about the kids later on in the day - offered to get them if she was running late. Joked - was not really received in any way by her. Got home at 7 - she was already gone - had a community meeting. I chilled with the kids. Now, all day I was feeling anxiety, but as I went out with them I "made" myself have fun. Not even for them, for myself. and... It worked - we 3 had a great time - invented 2 new games - no-fit-ball and buttball. No-fit-ball: Basketball played with a huge rubber ball that looks like its not gonna fit into the basket. And it did. My D had a blast. Meanwhile, the little one would run up from behind, toss the soccer ball at my butt and I would "butt it" away. He laughed so hard for good 40 minutes. I did too, at him. Afterward we went "lightbug catching". That was cool too. Bath, book, and sleep (I do that in 20-30 minutes flat - 10pm latest; when she does it, kids may be falling asleep by 11 at best. No whining no crying). Now, the reason I did all of that for "me" - I felt if I was doing it for them or God forbid for her - it would have felt fake for me. I know, confusing, but that's how I felt. Worked out great. My anxiety? Gone.

 

She came back a little after 10. I was already in our bed. She came up and asked whether I was sleeping there, I said yes. It looks like she will be sleeping somewhere else. I did not react in any way (before I would at least question where and why not in the bed). She went outside to clean some kids toys - I offered to bring out a flashlight (I came out for a smoke) - she said "I don't need anything" "I am fine" - kinda snappy. Again, I did not react or question. NOW, the bad - SHE changed a light bulb yesterday... Why bad? I noticed it 2 days ago and planed on doing it - but it slipped my mind. (Goes to one of her "gripes" - I don't do things when asked and put them on the back burner. ) Plus, she seems to try to do EVERYTHING herself now; she is not asking me to do anything around the house. NOT good. But, gotta take it and NOT react negatively. Just change my approach to things. Less talk more action. On the other hand she seems P.O.ed, which is actually not bad - I would rather hear that than "IDLY" which to me reeks of indifference. Thin line between love and hate?

 

Her mood - identical to that of MIL's mood. That one barely said "Hi" to me today. Only "H" came out! hahahaaha. I guess I am not doing what they wanted me to do? (move out) I decided (and guess as anyone will be going back and forth on this later on - but gotta hold on to the emotional roller coaster) that I will act the way I want to. If they want me to move out to "smoothly" divorce - tough luck. Not happening - I am living with my kids until Court orders me otherwise. If they just want to change me - same thing - I can willingly change without sacrificing my time with kids.

 

Overall - the day was good. I was definitely more controlled. Things learned today: Believe 1/2 of her actions and none of her words. No more spying on her - if I am willing to accept her - no reason to waste time on snooping - I have other things to do. Kids are priority number one. Work priority number two. Me - priority number three. Then may be W. DID NOT ASK ONE SINGLE QUESTION TODAY ON HER WHEREABOUTS AND/OR PLANS. Huge accomplishment.

 

BTW, she always tells me that she "never asks" me where I am at - "I am confident enough in myself" are her words. That actually kinda stung. Am I not worthy of her concern? Not really - she ALWAYS knew where I was - I told her. That's the other 180 that I have to do - mystery is key. She has to start wondering about me.

 

This was long. But I decided to use this as my journal. helps. LOVE the feedback though. Even negative. It helps - I need a slap once in a while.

[WhyHope]

She just came in - grabbed a pillow and headed downstairs. No words exchanged. EFF it. I am tired of "making up". I will be cordially nice, but will not step over myself to do anything. BTW - women - I can not recall ONCE in our relationship when she said "sorry". I always was the first to "budge". Hated conflicts. She did make up, but not by admitting anything, but by just being nice and trying to get on my good side.

 

 

I do have to change myself - I do deserve (EVEN I for crying out loud) MORE!

[Windsurf66]

Good for you, keep up with what you are doing for a few weeks. If they still ask you to move out even after u have stopped questioning your wife, then something evil is definitely up with those people

[trippi1432]

I guess I am not doing what they wanted me to do? (move out) I decided (and guess as anyone will be going back and forth on this later on - but gotta hold on to the emotional roller coaster) that I will act the way I want to. If they want me to move out to "smoothly" divorce - tough luck. Not happening - I am living with my kids until Court orders me otherwise. If they just want to change me - same thing - I can willingly change without sacrificing my time with kids.

 

Yes!!!! Good for you!!!!

 

Overall - the day was good. I was definitely more controlled. Things learned today: Believe 1/2 of her actions and none of her words. No more spying on her - if I am willing to accept her - no reason to waste time on snooping - I have other things to do. Kids are priority number one. Work priority number two. Me - priority number three. Then may be W. DID NOT ASK ONE SINGLE QUESTION TODAY ON HER WHEREABOUTS AND/OR PLANS. Huge accomplishment.

 

WhyHope, it is possible to put yourself first....when it comes to your well-being, that is what helps you to put your kids first in your part of your life. You have to take care of you to take care of them.

 

BTW, she always tells me that she "never asks" me where I am at - "I am confident enough in myself" are her words. That actually kinda stung. Am I not worthy of her concern? Not really - she ALWAYS knew where I was - I told her. That's the other 180 that I have to do - mystery is key. She has to start wondering about me.

 

yes!!

 

This was long. But I decided to use this as my journal. helps. LOVE the feedback though. Even negative. It helps - I need a slap once in a while.

 

On the lightbulb...don't feel bad...she is the one not trying and making it feel like the end...she better learn how to change them by herself. Now if she had just come out of major surgery four days prior and was changing lighbulbs you would need your a@@ kicked (mine did that...jerk).

 

It's good though, letting her know to do things on her own....once in a while...offering to help is good, but don't push. You are doing well.

[WhyHope]

On the lightbulb...don't feel bad...she is the one not trying and making it feel like the end...she better learn how to change them by herself. Now if she had just come out of major surgery four days prior and was changing lighbulbs you would need your a@@ kicked (mine did that...jerk).

 

It's good though, letting her know to do things on her own....once in a while...offering to help is good, but don't push. You are doing well.

 

Trippi - when she came out of the surgery - I was the one holding the puke bucket, I was the one wiping her face, I was the one getting her baby food (she could not eat anything else). Her parents did not even show up. How quickly do we forget the good things. This house that we live in - we bought it as a fixer-upper. "We will repaint everything together, we will do this together". For two months BEFORE we moved in, I and my best friend were here everyday after work, (no dinner) and worked till 2-3 am. I gutted the whole place - floors, walls, EVERYTHING. Everything was put in brand new. Do you think I had a say on colors? Do you think "we" painted??? No, "we" bitched about the mess when "we" moved in. Two tears ago, I decided to remodel the bathroom upstairs and add another bathroom. I completed the first one (again, torn down to studs) in 8 days flat. The second one - complete built from scratch - 9 months. Her responses to that: I am so tired of having to use the downstairs shower. Why did it take 9 months to get it done? I don't think she ever said that she liked it. I was tired of working after work. I would actually take like months off. BUT it should not have bothered anyone - the door was always locked to it. Guess what? MIL mentioned recently in one of our conversations about what kind of an ********* I am - "it took you how long to complete that bathroom"??? BIL, FIL - NONE of them know how to do anything around the house - I do majority of the stuff their (construction related) - from laying tile to putting on a new roof. Guess what W said about my construction escapades in our house during one of the recent arguments - you can't even do that by yourself, you always need a friend helping you... I was fuming. (All of my friends are good at something - plumbing, roofing, framing. All do the work by themselves. I am a whiz with painting, demo, tile, kitchens. We "exchange" services - we HELP each other. I have helped rebuild 3 homes for 3 of my friends. All 3 have been here helping me out with MAJOR projects... VENTING!

 

Am I wrong?

Edited June 18, 2010 by WhyHope

[trippi1432]

Trippi - when she came out of the surgery - I was the one holding the puke bucket, I was the one wiping her face, I was the one getting her baby food (she could not eat anything else). Her parents did not even show up. How quickly do we forget the good things. This house that we live in - we bought it as a fixer-upper. "We will repaint everything together, we will do this together". For two months BEFORE we moved in, I and my best friend were here everyday after work, (no dinner) and worked till 2-3 am. I gutted the whole place - floors, walls, EVERYTHING. Everything was put in brand new. Do you think I had a say on colors? Do you think "we" painted??? No, "we" bitched about the mess when "we" moved in. Two tears ago, I decided to remodel the bathroom upstairs and add another bathroom. I completed the first one (again, torn down to studs) in 8 days flat. The second one - complete built from scratch - 9 months. Her responses to that: I am so tired of having to use the downstairs shower. Why did it take 9 months to get it done? I don't think she ever said that she liked it. I was tired of working after work. I would actually take like months off. BUT it should not have bothered anyone - the door was always locked to it. Guess what? MIL mentioned recently in one of our conversations about what kind of an ********* I am - "it took you how long to complete that bathroom"??? BIL, FIL - NONE of them know how to do anything around the house - I do majority of the stuff their (construction related) - from laying tile to putting on a new roof. Guess what W said about my construction escapades in our house during one of the recent arguments - you can't even do that by yourself, you always need a friend helping you... I was fuming. (All of my friends are good at something - plumbing, roofing, framing. All do the work by themselves. I am a whiz with painting, demo, tile, kitchens. We "exchange" services - we HELP each other. I have helped rebuild 3 homes for 3 of my friends. All 3 have been here helping me out with MAJOR projects... VENTING!

 

Am I wrong?

 

Heck no....if she doesn't appreciate you, I sure as heck will. :D:D:D I need an electrician and a painter right now.

 

On the surgery thing...kudos to you....I paid for my daughter to come in and help me as I knew my STBXH wouldn't...he left 9 days after my surgery. Just a few days before I had to intervene on him calling his own son a P**** because he wouldn't jump a ramp with his bike...yes, he had been drinking. My only regret about my impending divorce is that I don't get the chance to hold the phone above him to call 911 while he is in the middle of a heart attack.....

 

Is that wrong? :rolleyes:

[Gunny376]

That's what I like about LS? It starts out with "Uh? Well, this and that ~ and then the details begin to get filled in.

 

I also find it amusing that the "Vets" of this board ~ Chrome barracuda, Woggle, and many others give out advice initially and its rejected ~ only to go down the road several months or even years and have the OP come back and tell us that we're right ~ not that we're always right? But we're seldom wrong.

 

I do not believe your DW is having either and EA nor a PA affair ~ I do believe she likes to flirt and the attention of other men? AKA an "attention whore" ~ (Sorry but there are just some women like that? You would have to be a woman to understand?)

 

With that said, its my guest that the MIL is the more dominant of the two in her marriage, that the BIL has to become a subservient and supplicating "Beta" male in order to stay so-called "happily" married to his wife. (Thus his reaction to your objections to your protests ~ he's been mentally and emotionally "cuckolded"

 

She's riding herd over her daughters, and their marriages ~ and your not getting with the program there 'Slick' and so you need to be gone and out of there.

 

Decisiveness? Taking complete and absolute responsibility for one's on destiny, life, contentment and happiness. Being and becoming self validating without the need of such from another.

 

Smoking and or other uses of tobacco is a weakness.

 

Doing drugs? Is a weakness.

 

Drinking? Is a weakness.

 

Becoming and being dependent upon another for validation of one's self and being? A weakness.

 

I know because I've had to overcome any and all of them. (The drug part was smoking some weed back in the Seventies in my teens and early teens)

 

But in each and every case? I told myself the same thing over and over?

 

"You know what? I don't need this in my life~ and I don't want it in my life?"

 

trippi1432 is a smart gal ~ its taken some time ~ as it does for all of us ~ but she's learning as she's goes through life ~ being smarter than the average bear, (Yogi Bear ~ probably way to young to even remember)

 

But she's beginning to learn that she and she alone is responsible for her own personal happiness, and contentment in life ~ and not that of some man.

 

You need to learn and do the same.

 

Hate to break the news to you? But your marriage is done, did and over with.

 

There's a chance to save it? If your willing to become a supplicating, subjugating, emotionally and mentally cuckold of a man, such as your BIL?

 

She's "bitch testing" you ~ and while a lot of women don't do this? A lot of them do. More so than not ~ and its their insecurities that drive them to do so.

 

I mean come on ~ a freaking light bulb? trippi1432 and the kind of women I've been with? Would have done it themselves to begin with. As in "Oh? The light bulb has blown ~ I guess I need to get and put in another one?"

 

Bro you can't bail out of this marriage quick enough ~ because even if you and her stay together? You will spend the next thirty years or better trying to pacify what cannot be pacified, satisfy what cannot be satisfied, attempting to please what cannot be pleased. Nothing you do will be good enough, nothing you say will be right, everything you say and do? Will be wrong ~ and everything you say and don't do? Will be wrong.

 

In short its a no win situation for you! I know its HELL because you've got kids with this woman. And divorce is a SOB if not a 'Mother-Trucker"

 

Were I you! It wouldn't be pretty and it wouldn't be fun for any and all involved. I'd be all over the SIL, MIL, BIL, FIL to not only get out out of my business but to get out of my life!

 

I'd be on them like a pack of starved hungry dogs on the trail of a sick three legged cat!

 

Now mind you that I'm way the other side of where your at ~ and I've got years upon years of experience at 53 than you do at 31.

 

But were it me? I'd be packing her bags and putting on the DMIL's porch. Changing the locks on the doors, barring the windows. (Mind you this is coming from a retired United States Marine that went to "Staff Call" at the Staff NCO (Non-commissioned officers club one Friday to a class, and stayed to have a couple of Black Velvets) came home at 2:00 in the morning ~ found my sword and Dress Blues and uniforms thrown out in the front yard?

 

Not a problem, the next day was Saturday? Wash day! I had some det cord stowed away in an ammo box, and rewired the laundry line with it! Next morning as the XHEX and I weren't speaking? And I nursed my hang over with some coffee, she was out hanging out the laundry on the clothes line.

 

Binda boom ~ binda bang!

 

Hooked the wires up ~ bras panties, slips, dresses, skirts went flying all over the place for two blocks around!

 

And yea I got called on the carpet. The battalion CO chewed me out BIG TIME! I got grilled about how I came about the det cord, (an explosive cord of line) by just about everybody?

 

I kept my mouth shut, invoked my Fifth Amendement Rights, denied everything.

 

At that point in our marraige ~ the XHEX and I had an undertanding!