Stuck!

[trippi1432]

WhyHope - Sorry to hear this....I guess things came down to a stalemate?

[WhyHope]

WhyHope - Sorry to hear this....I guess things came down to a stalemate?

 

Yeah, I have continued to initiate R talks... Couldn't help it... So that's where we are at now... We even talked to the kids already. I am so lost. Does she want D? ("If you move out - I won't file...)

 

IMAGINE - desertion is not an issue

[spriggig]

...Does she want D? ("If you move out - I won't file...)

 

I came up against this too, my wife keeps dragging her feet on the divorce, but has shown absolutely zero signs of wanting to come back to me. My best guess is that she doesn't want to be the one to pull the trigger. She wants you to do the dirty work so her hands stay clean.

 

When we sat down to tell our son, she looked at me and asked "So, I have to tell him?" I said "This is your thing" but I meant hell yes, you have to tell him! YOU cheated, YOU want the divorce, YOU have to tell him!

[LisaUk]

I came up against this too, my wife keeps dragging her feet on the divorce, but has shown absolutely zero signs of wanting to come back to me. My best guess is that she doesn't want to be the one to pull the trigger. She wants you to do the dirty work so her hands stay clean.

 

When we sat down to tell our son, she looked at me and asked "So, I have to tell him?" I said "This is your thing" but I meant hell yes, you have to tell him! YOU cheated, YOU want the divorce, YOU have to tell him!

Stupid cow. Man I hope these people get what is due to them. At work I am hearing all about how unhappy a collegue is in her marriage - get this, she married him to CHANGE him but he hsan't changed and she can't be bothered to go to counselling! SHeesh.

 

Sorry to thread jack Why hope

[trippi1432]

Yeah, I have continued to initiate R talks... Couldn't help it... So that's where we are at now... We even talked to the kids already. I am so lost. Does she want D? ("If you move out - I won't file...)

 

IMAGINE - desertion is not an issue

 

WhyHope - Is the wife bringing the D word up or are you? If I recall correctly, you had an inclination that your wife and in-laws were trying to get you to change...(a little "Stepfordy" in my opinion). What has been her reasons for not doing MC with you????

 

I came up against this too, my wife keeps dragging her feet on the divorce, but has shown absolutely zero signs of wanting to come back to me. My best guess is that she doesn't want to be the one to pull the trigger. She wants you to do the dirty work so her hands stay clean.

 

When we sat down to tell our son, she looked at me and asked "So, I have to tell him?" I said "This is your thing" but I meant hell yes, you have to tell him! YOU cheated, YOU want the divorce, YOU have to tell him!

 

Yeah, I told my ex that he had to tell our son too....

 

Stupid cow. Man I hope these people get what is due to them. At work I am hearing all about how unhappy a collegue is in her marriage - get this, she married him to CHANGE him but he hsan't changed and she can't be bothered to go to counselling! SHeesh.

 

Sorry to thread jack Why hope

 

You know, it always seems that the "You won't change", "he won't change" or "she won't change" always becomes the culprit of relationships. The irony is people don't change....but they can "adapt" to each other if the relationship is a healthy one.

 

On the other side of that, if there is emotional abuse, substance abuse...etc....those are major and take more than just adapting to the behavior. It takes recognizing the behavior on the part of the person with the issue and modifying it.

 

"She married him to change him" is almost the same as "I thought marriage would change us" which is what my ex gave me upon leaving. I guess he just meant me.....<shrug>.

[WhyHope]

TRIPPI:

 

We both talk about it. She says now - let's do 3 months of separation and then I will work on M. I kinda talked her into setting the time limit. No MC - "I don't need to pay someone to tell me how to feel"

 

I am so torn inside. This is not even funny.

 

I love her. But I am the one who pushed this so far. I can't believe the situation I am in.

 

I guess I have to hit rock bottom in order to get off my knees.

 

Am I afraid that she is just trying to "let me go easy"? Yes. And I hate it.

[tnttim]

Why hope, you are textbook how I ruined my chances at reconciliation. Wake the f*ck up and start living a resemblance of a life.

 

The reason you hate this and you feel like sh&t is because she is running your life. Every single post is a woah is me post, or a she did this post. This is far from living life on your terms. Your stbxw will walk all over you as long as you let her, and you are welcoming her feet on your head.

 

Here's a list of what you do, and you think she thinks, then what she really thinks.

 

I talk to her when I can because she will think I want this work.....she thinks, wow this guy will do anything I ask, how boring, I wish he would make a stand.

 

Whenever she needs me I am there because I love her.....she thinks, this guy has no self esteem, and he won't do a damn thing unless I tell him. He also comes off as very needy.

 

I tell her I want this to work out because then she'll know I still want her back..........She thinks, he thinks he knows what is best for me, but sorry I only know that, there he goes again being pushy and telling me what I need to do. I wish he would just leave me alone.

 

You see no matter what you do right now, it will construed as wrong in her head. Right now you represent nothing but pain and resentment to her. She wants to have a fun, and happy life.

 

Give her what she wants, a separation. Don't let her know that you'll be there waiting because then she will never come back.

 

You have to start living a life centered around you and what you want for yourself.

[WhyHope]

Why hope, you are textbook how I ruined my chances at reconciliation. Wake the f*ck up and start living a resemblance of a life.

 

The reason you hate this and you feel like sh&t is because she is running your life. Every single post is a woah is me post, or a she did this post. This is far from living life on your terms. Your stbxw will walk all over you as long as you let her, and you are welcoming her feet on your head.

 

Here's a list of what you do, and you think she thinks, then what she really thinks.

 

I talk to her when I can because she will think I want this work.....she thinks, wow this guy will do anything I ask, how boring, I wish he would make a stand.

 

Whenever she needs me I am there because I love her.....she thinks, this guy has no self esteem, and he won't do a damn thing unless I tell him. He also comes off as very needy.

 

I tell her I want this to work out because then she'll know I still want her back..........She thinks, he thinks he knows what is best for me, but sorry I only know that, there he goes again being pushy and telling me what I need to do. I wish he would just leave me alone.

 

You see no matter what you do right now, it will construed as wrong in her head. Right now you represent nothing but pain and resentment to her. She wants to have a fun, and happy life.

 

Give her what she wants, a separation. Don't let her know that you'll be there waiting because then she will never come back.

 

You have to start living a life centered around you and what you want for yourself.

 

You are right. Difficult to walk away though. In her book - anyone will be a step up compared to me. Nice to hear.

 

She still says 3 months is what she is looking at. She will get her 3 months. I on the other hand NEED to refocus. No more sulking. It is what it is. New week, New day, new life...

 

If it does not happen - so be it. I still have awesome friends and great kids!

[What_Next]

WhyHope you now have a plan, now I suggest to go out and get to it. That is the ONLY way you can work on your marriage. Read over my thread for some concrete examples of what does NOT work and what DOES work. Good luck and turn to LS for moral support if you need it.

[bestplayer]

DEVELOPMENT: I am looking for a place. Will move probably this week. Comments? (It was her moving w kids vs. me moving out)

 

my friend , i think this is a postive development for you . It clearly looks like right now all your marriage needs is distance between you & your wife .

I can see you have a problem with maintaining NC with your wife & that is fatal . For sometime forget her & your marriage , just concentrate on you & your kids . I think what has complicated your situation is your constant dependency on her for your happiness & that is not a trait woman find attractive . She has been asking you relentlessly to leave her alone , may be temporarily ,yet as you admit , you are still bringing up relationship talks again & again .

You need act like a man here , move out , stop all contacts with her except about kids , so that she may realize that she can miss you too .

 

I think gunny's advice sounds good for your situation .

 

 

Best of luck

[WhyHope]

my friend , i think this is a postive development for you . It clearly looks like right now all your marriage needs is distance between you & your wife .

I can see you have a problem with maintaining NC with your wife & that is fatal . For sometime forget her & your marriage , just concentrate on you & your kids . I think what has complicated your situation is your constant dependency on her for your happiness & that is not a trait woman find attractive . She has been asking you relentlessly to leave her alone , may be temporarily ,yet as you admit , you are still bringing up relationship talks again & again .

You need act like a man here , move out , stop all contacts with her except about kids , so that she may realize that she can miss you too .

 

I think gunny's advice sounds good for your situation .

 

 

Best of luck

 

She keeps repeating over and over that this is the only way to fix this. It should work; we will try again... MIL is behind all of this..

 

I actually want to move out - need to clear my head; I was never this way. I do depend on her. Plus she does make WAY to many decisions (to me it always looked like I am compromising to appease her). I know that I do not have to MAKE all of the decisions in our lives, but darn, I have to start making some )))

 

Will she be happy with that???

 

Love the new technique of "validating her feelings and agreeing with how she feels" - she has literally nothing to say after that... "I am sorry that you feel that way" - is awesome.

 

Ironed out some things today. She almost started another argument in front of the kids - I simply said that I want to take son fishing - "Its too dangerous"... (What am I taking him deep sea fishing for Great White Sharks???) To that I stated that she is being very unreasonable - she started going off in front of the kids (actually informed D) and I simply quietly got up and left. Later on IU demanded an apology. Got a half-hearted one - along with BS - that this is how I feel towards you; I am also sorry that we don't get a long; sorry that I have nothing towards you - I proceeded with I am sorry that u feel that way...

 

I refuse to be a doormat. As simple as that. I thanked her for the apology and wished her Good Night. She actually said good night back 2 me.

 

While she is setting a 3 month time frame on the S - I am not sure that that is what I want. I know it will be difficult without the kids; but I have to make sure that I have changed and addressed the things that need to be addressed. I want to be me again.

 

Everyone - I guess I will be here often - Will be kind of lonely pretty soon! )))

 

Gym 5 times a week at least (Did that when moved out at first)

 

Strict schedule in general. Will also make sure that she understands how D will look like - my days w kids - I am doing with them what I feel like doing wt consulting with her... Hmmm, My aunt 4 states away, has been wanting to see us... Weekend getaway w D6!!! (Aunt has an awesome house right on the lake)... And separation agreement WILL get signed. I want 50% of physical, no matter what - she is willing to give it now - I should grab it! Plus, I will go over all of the financials with her - let her at least know what will be at stake...

 

In general - plan on enjoying weekends by myself and w kids. Week - work - 2 times will be here putting kids to bed... Will take them to daycare 3 times a week. (Or is that two much???)

 

So far I can tell you that one GREAT thing that came out of all of this so far - I know that I am a good dad - my kids love me unconditionally. I have started spending more time with them. My friends love me unconditionally - and I found out (actually confirmed) who my true friends are.

 

Life is short. I can't be in limbo anymore. I will fix myself - if she does not come around. Well... Its her loss. Shame that the kids will have a broken home, but...

Edited July 6, 2010 by WhyHope

[WhyHope]

Off-topic: HOW DA HECK DO I TURN PM function on??? (I am stupid! Duh!)

[Corporate]

WhyHope, which law school did you go to? Your marriage survivied law school, but not this?

[Corporate]

Off-topic: HOW DA HECK DO I TURN PM function on??? (I am stupid! Duh!)

 

It will be on once you become an established member.

 

How do you become an established member? Once you have certain number of posts and certain days here as a member. How many? Yo no se.

[What_Next]

WhyHope wow, what a great new attitude. It sounds like after some time of bouncing off the walls you finally have a plan in mind.

 

I wish I could get out for a while actually. For me the financial aspect of things prevent that.

 

I am going to watch your progress very closely.

[WhyHope]

WhyHope wow, what a great new attitude. It sounds like after some time of bouncing off the walls you finally have a plan in mind.

 

I wish I could get out for a while actually. For me the financial aspect of things prevent that.

 

I am going to watch your progress very closely.

 

Honestly, I feel that it is time to man up. Yes, I love her, but I can't let her walk all over me. She wants to have a "weekend" dad for her kids - so be it. What I can not do is appear that I am trying to APPEASE her. I have to do it for myself - whatever I will be doing. If she wants to join me - she may, upon meeting certain conditions.

[Tea]

I've been gone too long

 

i've read the posts and don't really have the time to address each of them. You have gotten some pretty good feedback.

 

I don't agree with you moving out. I did agree with your letter. I am actually disgusted that she would threaten taking the kids with her if she moved b/c she found your weakness. She knew that would prompt you to move. Remember what I told you about those buttons? You're transparent and she is using it to her advantage. In the end, she is getting what she wants.

 

At this point, I do believe that she wants to do as she pleases. Go out and get a feel for the single life. This whole "three month" thing smells afoul. Perhaps you're right in that she's just letting you go "easy." And, you are acting exactly as she sees fit. You are back to the initial point you were before your first post: moving out because she wants you to under the guise that it's for your marriage.

 

Well, while I was somewhat sympathetic at first, her complete refusal to even go to a MC and then threatening to move out with the kids just to push you out is very selfish on her part. Her keeping the status quo makes life easy for her. She comes home to the same routine except she has you out of her hair now and she could do as she pleases without the stresses of living in a new place and working out logistics. she got you to worry about that so she could live her life with her OM in peace while she "contemplates" the marriage.

 

Don't move out. You have not left her alone, but you could certainly hold your ground and make her leave to contemplate her "self" while you continue the routine life with the kids. Kids furniture stays in the marital home. Let her figure out all the other BS. Don't care if people gasp at how awful you are for not leaving and making her leave. She's the one that wants to be single. You are self-employed are are more stable.

[WhyHope]

I've been gone too long

 

i've read the posts and don't really have the time to address each of them. You have gotten some pretty good feedback.

 

I don't agree with you moving out. I did agree with your letter. I am actually disgusted that she would threaten taking the kids with her if she moved b/c she found your weakness. She knew that would prompt you to move. Remember what I told you about those buttons? You're transparent and she is using it to her advantage. In the end, she is getting what she wants.

 

At this point, I do believe that she wants to do as she pleases. Go out and get a feel for the single life. This whole "three month" thing smells afoul. Perhaps you're right in that she's just letting you go "easy." And, you are acting exactly as she sees fit. You are back to the initial point you were before your first post: moving out because she wants you to under the guise that it's for your marriage.

 

Well, while I was somewhat sympathetic at first, her complete refusal to even go to a MC and then threatening to move out with the kids just to push you out is very selfish on her part. Her keeping the status quo makes life easy for her. She comes home to the same routine except she has you out of her hair now and she could do as she pleases without the stresses of living in a new place and working out logistics. she got you to worry about that so she could live her life with her OM in peace while she "contemplates" the marriage.

 

Don't move out. You have not left her alone, but you could certainly hold your ground and make her leave to contemplate her "self" while you continue the routine life with the kids. Kids furniture stays in the marital home. Let her figure out all the other BS. Don't care if people gasp at how awful you are for not leaving and making her leave. She's the one that wants to be single. You are self-employed are are more stable.

TEA - we are both self-employed. To me - I am done being in limbo. Whether she wants single life or wants to get some "alone" time - doesn't matter by now. I need sanity back in my life. What she is doing - she is pushing my buttons and I am pushing hers.

 

She WILL get an apartment "just" for the time I am looking for mine. I do NOT want to uproot the kids and I do NOT want to deal with screaming and yelling in front of them. I will move back in in 3 months. That's just the way I am. This will not be one of those - "I am not ready to be with you just yet". NO - I will move back in and have her file/not file - but it will be an end to all of this - one way or another.

 

My changes - will be in place by then - if she does not accept them - then she should file.

 

I do believe that she is not looking at her EA as anything bad.

 

Is she tired? Heck yes. The last time I moved out and did not leave her alone - her single life actually STOPPED. I feel that a lot of the things that she is doing right now are done to push my buttons. Out of spite almost.

 

MIL and FIL - seem to be pretty sure that this is the only way to work this out. They feel that she will come around. W says the same thing. So far, she has not seen any concessions - improvements from me. Time to prove all of them wrong. If that's not enough - her fault.

 

I AM REALLY TIRED. I Love her, but I am beat. I need rest. TEA, a lot of the things that she has said upto this point point to the fact that all she wants is to put this behind us by NOT talking about it. She does want to keep the family together.

 

MC - I feel that she has a plan in her head on how to change me - MC would be a waste of $$$ to accomplish that. (Stupid, I know, I am looking at a ton of EXTRA money that I would not have to spend if I stayed)...

[Corporate]

It will be on once you become an established member.

 

How do you become an established member? Once you have certain number of posts and certain days here as a member. How many? Yo no se.

 

By the way, you're welcome for the above response.

[SRV]

TRIPPI:

 

We both talk about it. She says now - let's do 3 months of separation and then I will work on M. I kinda talked her into setting the time limit. No MC - "I don't need to pay someone to tell me how to feel"

 

I am so torn inside. This is not even funny.

 

I love her. But I am the one who pushed this so far. I can't believe the situation I am in.

 

I guess I have to hit rock bottom in order to get off my knees.

 

Am I afraid that she is just trying to "let me go easy"? Yes. And I hate it.

 

 

I am sorry I will be blunt with you, you are and have not been decisive that's why you are stuck in this rut. You are reading the numerous pieces of good advise given here by the various posters and not embracing or chosing a direction on which way to go. You seem to be in a power struggle with your wife, you are not listening to her, this is slowly but surely slipping away from you without any chance of reconciliation.

 

Please go back and re-read all the posts and responses, you seem to be stuck in the same place. If you have any chance of reconciliation, I would suggest that you let her go like yesterday. And please stop talking about recon and the relationship with her. I can assure you, that if you don't and she gets the separation without you to badger her everyday about recon and the marriage, you will be history. Good luck!

Edited July 6, 2010 by SRV

[What_Next]

WhyHope, I do understand what Tea is saying and I think I also understand her perspective, but I thinmk right now you are following the proper course.

 

Getting some space and giving yourself time to rest and figure out your own headspace is not a bad thing and in fact might be a very good thing indeed.

 

A friend of mine offered to allow me to park our trailer on his property a while ago and at the time I was too caught in the "fix the marriage" B/S to see the value in that offer. I've often thought that it would have been a good thing.

[WhyHope]

I am sorry I will be blunt with you, you are and have not been decisive that's why you are stuck in this rut. You are reading the numerous pieces of good advise given here by the various posters and not embracing or chosing a direction on which way to go. You seem to be in a power struggle with your wife, you are not listening to her, this is slowly but surely slipping away from you without any chance of reconciliation.

 

Please go back and re-read all the posts and responses, you seem to be stuck in the same place. If you have any chance of reconciliation, I would suggest that you let her go like yesterday. And please stop talking about recon and the relationship with her. I can assure you, that if you don't and she gets the separation without you to badger her everyday about recon and the marriage, you will be history. Good luck!

 

I still do need a good kick in the azz u r right - I am waffling so to speak. Or have been.

[WhyHope]

Still riding the rollercoaster. Right now - its down way down. Can't seem to leave her alone/ What am I, crazy???

 

I really love her. Want everything to be OK.

 

Back to work! TEA, TRIPPI - may be some advice on HOW to make myself ignore her - I don't want to sulk or appear cold - how do I do it right?

[WhyHope]

WOW - I met TEA! No, not really - just spoke to a friend of mine (girl) from my previous job. SHE - successful attorney, HIM - successful DR; 2 great kids - same age as my kids. Her and her H - are my age. To me - they ALWAYS were the fairy tale couple. Guess what??? She is the WAW. And no - there is no OM. NONE! H has issues in her eyes, that are almost identical to mine.

 

Will meet with her tonight. (Phone conversation was borderline weird - it was like talking to my W...) But, we are friends and she is willing to help me, and I am willing to help her H (by talking to her). I know what and how he feels, and she knows what my W feels.

 

But this is crazy - I did not think that there were so many couples w "problems"...

[trippi1432]

Hi WhyHope - Sorry I have been out of the loop for a little while. I have been watching however....please be careful where you are treading, it could be a place you might not come back from.

 

You are vulnerable right now dealing with your own emotions. While your head may be helping her where her H is concerned and vice-versa, the road of good intentions may not always be paved of gold.

 

I will check back in a few days, but keep your wits about you, you and your children need that right now.