Boyfriend protecting my children or just had enough of me?

[bluesky]

What to do -

 

I recently ended my fourteen year marriage last August, about 3 years after I should have. My husband was interested in doing anything that would get him out of the house and away from myself and our children. For his time off, he'd always want to do "his" trips and I was always planning "family" time.

 

In August he went on a trip for his daughter from a previous marriage's orientation at college. He was flying to his ex-wife's home, driving with her to the college town & staying with her in a hotel while his daughter was in the dorm. My husband had seen his daughter 3 times in the prior 4 months (always flying somewhere, when he hasn't seen his daughter but once a year, if even that, since she was 2 even though our door was always open. She never called, never returned his calls). I told him enough was enough. We couldn't afford it & I wasn't comfortable with him staying in a hotel with his ex even if it was separate rooms. He told me he was going, and if I didn't like it...get out. So I did.

 

Believe me I had already done my share of crying over the way he treated me as a door mat. He never showed me any affection and we were truly "in it for the kids" (12 & 13 years old). I truly feel that I was "over" him by the time I walked out the door. It does not matter to me how he lives his life now, provided he takes good care of my children when they are with him.

 

I currently have shared custody of my children, meaning I have them one week, then my husband has them the next. as we live in the same town. Trust me, I never want to go back into that marriage. I never want to live that way again. I have as of yet to file for divorce as I am in the middle of other legal wranglings and must wait a few more months.

 

Since this time I've met a truly wonderful man, in early November, and have spent a lot of time with him. We share the same interests, dreams and goals unlike my ex & I. He's met my kids and although they all get along fine, my daughter still hopes her father and I will get back together. My son is pretty laid back and seems to like him real well.

 

Here is my dilemma - when my kids are gone we have a very special relationship and spend all of our time together. We haven't professed any "feelings" for one another and I continually check myself for "true feelings" as I do not want to be on a rebound and hurt him in the end.

 

However, he is very concerned about my children and their reaction to all that has happened. He knows he must accept me and my children (and occasional venting over my soon to be ex) and does not want to jeaopardize anything by moving too fast. As a result, once my children are home, we don't see each other at all. We talk on the phone in the evening and that is it. Every once in a blue moon he will come over for dinner or we'll all go skiing. End of story.

 

I am living two different lives. One as a single person in a very fulfilling "relationship" and then one as a single mom, all alone, every other week. My two worlds are totally different realities. It is really gnawing at me. It feels as though he pulls away when my children return each week. He doesn't seem to want me to break away for an evening and come see him. I tell him that it bothers me but I don't seem to get any meaningful response.

 

Also, just fyi, he's in his forties and has no children although he is wonderful with them. His previous relationship ended because his fiance was too "clingy" and smothered him.

 

Is he really being ultra considerate or is it just a good excuse to create separation? Am I getting right back into a relationship where I am wanted only when he wants me? Because it sure feels like it right now and I'm really hurting. It's opened up some really bad wounds from my past. Or is this just him trying to protect himself from a rebound and see what develops?

 

What to do?

[moom_of_3]

Just by listening to how you describe him, I have a great deal of respect for this man. It sounds like he is taking it slow for YOU and your kids. You said yourself that you have not even filed for divorce yet, and your daughter wants you and your ex back together. He is more than likely trying to take it slow so your kids can warm up to him. The best way I can think of desscribing it as getting into a hot tub. You put your feet in first to get used to the water, and go in a little at a time until you are totally submerged. Sounds like he is with you all the time when the kids aren't around because he doesn't have to worry about upsetting them with the recent break-up. You and your ex have been together their (you kids) whole life. They are going to need time to adjust to a different man other than their dad being around, and he is trying to make the transition as smooth as possible. Just my two cents. Good luck!!

[Arabess]

12 & 13?? Mine are around that age. I can't imagine ANY guy wanting to be around them. HAHA!

 

Seriously, he sounds like a really nice guy. For now, till the divorce has happened and the dust has settled....he is correct....he needs to lay low. While you are still legally married....it can be seriously used against you. He can even be sued to 'alienation of affection' in some states.

 

I think he is using good wisdom. Enjoy what you DO have with him for now and go into it slowly. It's wonderful that you've met someone who is good to you and the kids so early after the break up. You still need time to heal though and get your own life together. I think he is trying to give you space to do that.

 

He sounds like a keeper.